05 December Goodbye Countdown

[Looking4Answers2]

I've booked my hotel already for this day. I'm waiting this long because I have appointments between now and then and things I said I would do. Also to wrap up loose ends. See some places/people 1 last time before I CTB.

I've been trying to white knuckle it, and hold on...at least until after Xmas but that's progressively gotten harder. At one point there was a small amount of hope, but I found out that really someone was lying to me, or maybe themselves or both I don't know.

In the time I have left I would like to get to know anyone willing to chat about whatever.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do get that it's difficult to carry on existing when all that you wish for is to leave. It can certainly be tiring being here in this world and I hope that when the time is right, you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[jodes2]

Oh no :( another person disappearing forever :( I suppose it's too late for you to change your mind sorry you want to CTB I hope you find peace whatever you choose

 

[123hopeitspainfree]

I'm in the same situation as u I want to do a few things and see a few people before I finally do it I know it's not going to make shit easier on them if anything it might make it worse but I still feel it's best

 

[Looking4Answers2]

Oh no :( another person disappearing forever :( I suppose it's too late for you to change your mind sorry you want to CTB I hope you find peace whatever you choose

Theoretically speaking until I have expired its not to late.
But if I am honest...I don't see a lot to look forward to.

 

[jodes2]

Theoretically speaking until I have expired its not to late.
But if I am honest...I don't see a lot to look forward to.

I was the same for a LONG time. Too long. It randomly changed like 10 days ago when I got random inspiration that helped me reignite an old hobby. I know it doesn't happen often but it's possible I'm so sorry you feel like this still, I totally get it I've tried to CTB so often I've lost count because it was just too much for too long and sometimes the intensity is unbearable

 

[Looking4Answers2]

I'm in the same situation as u I want to do a few things and see a few people before I finally do it I know it's not going to make shit easier on them if anything it might make it worse but I still feel it's best

I am at the point that I am kind of tired of hearing stuff like
Don't give up
This to shall pass
You're so strong
We're here for you
Because in the end it doesn't male anything change...and it will not put food in my belly, a roof over my head, give me piece of mind, etc.

I've tried holding on for a few years, and things (in my life) are worse now than they were when I was previously at my worst mentally speaking...people who said they'd always be there for me have thrown me away and turned their backs on me...

So it may be selfish but I am doing it for me, I do not want to be battling depression and anxiety monsters and suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life, that is not a good existence, and I do not want to be a burden on anyone else.
I already have my SN, benzos, etc. Only thing I've gotta get are thc gummies but there are so many dispensaries here that, that is easy.
So just a matter of time and day of not letting SI win

 

[Looking4Answers2]

Back story
Pretty much everything in my life from work, spouse, friends, etc except my physical health (mental health for shit) is falling apart around me, friends have turned their backs on me except a very select few, spouse has f*cked off, my mom and sibling and my dog are the only thing I've got, my dad died during pandemic.

Was on different meds before...recently started up on lexapro

 

[Nirrend]

I've booked my hotel already for this day. I'm waiting this long because I have appointments between now and then and things I said I would do. Also to wrap up loose ends. See some places/people 1 last time before I CTB.

I've been trying to white knuckle it, and hold on...at least until after Xmas but that's progressively gotten harder. At one point there was a small amount of hope, but I found out that really someone was lying to me, or maybe themselves or both I don't know.

In the time I have left I would like to get to know anyone willing to chat about whatever.

Hi sweet @Looking4Answers2

I'm sorry to see that you are suffering that much.. ❤

I'm not doing chat because I use Tor and so, this is not working correctly... sorry ❤

Of course, when I'm connected, I'll send you all the love I can

Whatever you chose, loving you ❤

 

[Looking4Answers2]

Clarification of my plan.
Fast 8-12hrs (start around 9 or 10am)
Check-in to hotel in afternoon
1hr before SN take 6mg lorazepam and 25-75mg quetiapine.
Prep minimum 2x 25mg in 50ml water SN drinks. Although I have enough for 4 drinks.
Drink first drink between 6 and 7pm
Still debating how I am going to work in THC either via gummies or smoking

 

[actual_fox]

Sorry to see new users go so fast.

 

[Looking4Answers2]

Sorry to see new users go so fast.

Technically with my previous username I've been on here 2-3 months

 

[Looking4Answers2]

I just wanted to say for anyone thinking I'm rushing.
I've been in therapy like 4yrs, medicated on and off during that whole time, exercise, couples counseling, etc...this is not something I take lightly.

I had originally planned to do this earlier, but pushed it back in the hopes that certain things I hadn't given up on would change...sadly things have not changed for the better

 

[locked*n*loaded]

In the end, the true end, all we can do is what's best for us and in our own best interest, and no one can know that better than ourselves. I hear the OP's plight. It's unfortunate, but most of the time, things don't have a tendency to get better. They just don't. We're all hurtling toward the same end.

 

[freedomcalls]

I'm so sorry for how hard things have been for you

I tend to lose track of threads on the forum but if you want a compassionate listener between now and when you go, you are welcome to send me a chat message and we can keep in touch

 

[leeloosnow]

i really wish things were more "fair" for us, sadly life doesn't abide so logically. i commend your strength and practicality making it thru all that you have.

 

[Looking4Answers2]

The boatman will have to wait a few more weeks, my mom asked me for help with some stuff, and she is one of the select few (prob count on 1 hand) people who has always been there for me. So I will post-pone, help her out. Not until the new year will I cross the bridge.

 

[sevenkarmas]

The boatman will have to wait a few more weeks, my mom asked me for help with some stuff, and she is one of the select few (prob count on 1 hand) people who has always been there for me. So I will post-pone, help her out. Not until the new year will I cross the bridge.

Similar situation. I have planned almost every weekend for the last two months. Got "good" news on Friday, but everything collapsed this morning. I've made a pact with myself and God if it doesn't get better by January 1, 2023, I'll ctb within the week. The whole thing has been exhausting with ups and downs. I'm tired of riding the waves and then everything dropping out from under me. Even though I wake up every day dreading the day and can't fall asleep at night, I'll wait under after Christmas. I'll spend the holidays by myself and then ctb if things are not better.

 

[Cantbereal]

Hi sweet @Looking4Answers2

I'm sorry to see that you are suffering that much.. ❤

I'm not doing chat because I use Tor and so, this is not working correctly... sorry ❤

Of course, when I'm connected, I'll send you all the love I can

Whatever you chose, loving you ❤

What is tor?