Zero escape from constant escape

[aquasaltstripes]

Death, taxes, and escapism.

YouTube, Twitter, Instagram: My whole life I've lived off distractions and I guess it's only now I'm starting to realize, or rather, fully accept, that it's really not all that different or better than being dead. You know those "book good, technology bad" Boomer comics with the drawings of the people glued to their screens all hunched over and hypnotized and zombie-like? Yeah, the execution is pretty cringy and preachy and melodramatic, but I would be clowning myself if I said I haven't wasted a quarter of my life doing just that.

Fun fact: Lately I've been learning how to cook. I've tried a new recipe every other day for several weeks now, and I won't lie, it's actually pretty fun and satisfying — addictive even. And that's where the whole "constant escape" thing comes in. I cook not so much because I'm *in love with the craft* and *yearn to explore the possibilities and combinations of flavor and texture* but because I can't seem to satisfy myself in any other way. "Can't manage your mental health? Stuff your face with as much shit as possible for that sweet, sweet dopamine. Quench your filthy bodily desires you stupid pig!" That's more or less my whole philosophy for the thing, anyway. Instant gratification, stress-/binge-eating with the added satisfaction of making the meal yourself, etc.

Same thing with drawing and writing. When I do do these things it's always only because I'm bored, can't express or communicate myself to others IRL, have zero social skills (I have severe autism and BPD), need a substitute for human connection as well as escape from how shitty the world and my life is. Yes, boredom, loneliness, discontent, misanthropy, despair — all artists create for at least one of these reasons. The problem is when those are the *only* reasons you create art, the only sources of inspiration you draw from. When art is purely a coping mechanism. I used to love creating, but now it rarely ever gives me fulfillment, which depresses me even more because it makes me wonder if I ever even enjoyed it in the first place or (again) because I feel it's my only choice/escape from my loneliness and mediocrity. I've false-started so many projects because I get depressed whenever I think about how my art is never gonna give me the catharsis or joy I crave, how I have no interesting life experience to pour into it and give it the depth and beauty I see in others' art.

My story's nothing new: I never had a partner. I have no friends: I had some in elementary school but lost all of them after moving too many times. I went nonverbal throughout most if not all of middle and high school, fumbled all attempts at friendship, and graduated without forming a single connection.

So. Sometimes I cook. I masturbate a lot. I scroll and swipe a lot. I lie in bed all day, snuggling my blanket, daydreaming about my imaginary boyfriend. Sometimes I browse through my former classmates' social medias and wallow in jealousy and self-pity. Climate change and inflation don't make things any brighter. The days go by and blur into nothing. And all I am I guess is just another loser who can't love or live a happy life or stop being tortured by childhood regrets or decide whether to CTB or accept this my eternal mediocrity. Still hanging on somehow.

So, long-winded ice-breaker: What's your story and your relationship with escapism?

Thank you if you made it this far btw <3

Apologies after the fact for grammar mistakes, tangents, excessive self-pity and -deprecation.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Wow- I'm like you without the cooking and social media part. I'm WAY too good at eating though.

Yes- at points in life, I've thought I ought to be making better use of my time. I'm more of a pessimist than you though to be honest. Perhaps because it lets me off the hook as it were! For starters- I'm not intellectually gifted enough in anything useful like science to come up with anything particularly useful! I'm creative- like you. If I'm brutally honest though- what has any genius human created that wasn't for the benefit of humans OR tried (and so far failed) to limit the damage we do? Ok- so- we haven't contributed much to our race. How 'great' do you think the human race is though?!!

When it comes to an individual sense of fulfilment though- I really relate. Until the past couple of years, my creative work was EVERYTHING to me. I worked my arse off trying to get a career in it. And it sort of worked but- not financially well enough. So now, I'm thinking failure is on the horizon. Partly because of that maybe- I have been starting to care less the past few years- which has ultimately lead me here because it was my purpose. Now, like you, I just get by on distraction. My creative work was of course my biggest distraction but- at least it felt more constructive to a degree. In some ways it's good- that pressure to succeed is waning. Still- I'm not sure what's left without it.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I find considering my personal experience using social media and the internet to escape is that the time where I can blur everything into numbness and apathy I am the happiest.

Some people say boredom is an illusion. Others say idle hands are the devils plaything. I find both explanations quite bizarre in a society where technology encourages boredom. It does so by playing with our emotions and our brains. It rings the bell to make us hungry and wants to starve us so we always come back.

On a wheel ever spinning in space seemingly going nowhere.

Those addictions feed us and on us. They pull towards the future beckoning us to desire more. Consumerism is a deadly sin. So is technology. Not a sin against God but a sin against our better nature.

Escape? There can be no escape. The Gods won't allow it. The pyramid sits with its all seeing eye watching. Always watching. It casts light on our suffering and shadows bleed past it to open new windows of desire. Like a hole. No matter how deep and hard you dig and scrape at its depths or boundaries it grows bigger. Until it's gaping maw is ready to consume you.

Maybe that's what life has become. Intelligence life anyway. Nature itself is an amoral canvas that humanity paints upon with a brush dipped in the colors of his soul. Suggested sin, boredom, pleasure, desire, an endless cycle of chasing the shadows cast backwards by the future.

I don't even know if death will free me from this waking world. And in that I feel a primitive sense of dread. Like two sides of the same coin. Logic and emotions sitting in a cave. Boredom is the fire they warm themselves by. They gaze into it and chaos looks back promising escape.

I've considered plucking both my eyes out in the past. I wonder if blindness will free me from the depravity I feel. If I offer more of my body up as a sacrifice will I find the simplicity comforting? But perhaps spite and malice against time is the only thing keeping me going.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

Wow- I'm like you without the cooking and social media part. I'm WAY too good at eating though.

Yes- at points in life, I've thought I ought to be making better use of my time. I'm more of a pessimist than you though to be honest. Perhaps because it lets me off the hook as it were! For starters- I'm not intellectually gifted enough in anything useful like science to come up with anything particularly useful! I'm creative- like you. If I'm brutally honest though- what has any genius human created that wasn't for the benefit of humans OR tried (and so far failed) to limit the damage we do? Ok- so- we haven't contributed much to our race. How 'great' do you think the human race is though?!!

When it comes to an individual sense of fulfilment though- I really relate. Until the past couple of years, my creative work was EVERYTHING to me. I worked my arse off trying to get a career in it. And it sort of worked but- not financially well enough. So now, I'm thinking failure is on the horizon. Partly because of that maybe- I have been starting to care less the past few years- which has ultimately lead me here because it was my purpose. Now, like you, I just get by on distraction. My creative work was of course my biggest distraction but- at least it felt more constructive to a degree. In some ways it's good- that pressure to succeed is waning. Still- I'm not sure what's left without it.

There's this quote about how the human race, seen accurately, is not the sort of company you should be too sorry to leave behind. That comforts me at times, the thought of no more murderers, rapists, politicians, terrorists, bigots, etc. But of course there's gotta be just as many people who are the opposite, right?

A somewhat motivating thought I used to consult regularly (back when, y'know, creating art made me happy) was to create purely for small communities and the people around you who you actually give a shit about, as opposed to the world, which is maybe a little too shitty to give one's fucks for. You ever had that sort of fantasy? Like: "Oh! If only I could just make one person's life a little easier, if only just for a moment, to make them just feel a little less lonely, or give them a thought or feeling they never had!"

Money's another pretty big thing of course. And it's just ever so harder to make now with pieces of shit like Elon destroying Twitter and making it harder, especially for smaller artists, to get a chance to grow and such. But I think I get what you mean by art as escapism as being more "constructive." "Productive" is another word. Doing art does make me feel productive, which gives me that bonus of social validation from our workaholic culture and what not. But it makes me confused. What kind of art do you make, by the way? Art — or at least to me — is just escapism at the end of the day, and all that "celebration to the human spirit" stuff is just kind of a bonus or byproduct. But so, creating escapism for others is productive, but consuming escapism isn't? Becoming a big-time director or animator is admirable, but consuming the hard work of these people (watching TV all day) is pathetic and lazy? I dunno xP

 

[alonely]

I don't know what I would consider to be not escapism. Isn't everything we do kind of pointless? You spend your time doing things to pass the time and then you die. I dunno lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

There's this quote about how the human race, seen accurately, is not the sort of company you should be too sorry to leave behind. That comforts me at times, the thought of no more murderers, rapists, politicians, terrorists, bigots, etc. But of course there's gotta be just as many people who are the opposite, right?

A somewhat motivating thought I used to consult regularly (back when, y'know, creating art made me happy) was to create purely for small communities and the people around you who you actually give a shit about, as opposed to the world, which is maybe a little too shitty to give one's fucks for. You ever had that sort of fantasy? Like: "Oh! If only I could just make one person's life a little easier, if only just for a moment, to make them just feel a little less lonely, or give them a thought or feeling they never had!"

Money's another pretty big thing of course. And it's just ever so harder to make now with pieces of shit like Elon destroying Twitter and making it harder, especially for smaller artists, to get a chance to grow and such. But I think I get what you mean by art as escapism as being more "constructive." "Productive" is another word. Doing art does make me feel productive, which gives me that bonus of social validation from our workaholic culture and what not. But it makes me confused. What kind of art do you make, by the way? Art — or at least to me — is just escapism at the end of the day, and all that "celebration to the human spirit" stuff is just kind of a bonus or byproduct. But so, creating escapism for others is productive, but consuming escapism isn't? Becoming a big-time director or animator is admirable, but consuming the hard work of these people (watching TV all day) is pathetic and lazy? I dunno xP

Have you thought about doing stuff for somewhere like Etsy? That can feel like creating for a small interest base- depending on how popular your stuff becomes. You also get stuck with the customer service side of things though- which isn't so great- problems if the postal service messes up, over-demanding customers etc.

I guess, ideally- it would be nice to do both- consume and produce art/ culture. I think over-doing either maybe isn't ideal. I've found that- people who are creative need to create in order to stay reasonably happy. But- if we have to do one thing all the time, it starts to lose it's appeal. Creating can start to feel like work then.

Personally speaking- I suppose I feel more like I've accomplished something when I'm creating- because- a lot of the time, we are still learning and developing our skills. Obviously- it's not great when it goes wrong though! Which is a lot. Practicality-wise it's a good thing for me too because it's my job- so- chances are- it means I have work- and I'd love to be able to support myself properly from doing something I at least don't hate. I hope you can find your way back to it. I hope I can too. I need the motivation now. Ironically, I'm 'bribing' myself to do it at the moment by putting music/ films on in the background. Another compromise really- do both at once!

 

[todienomore]

I can relate. If you want to just try something different, try fasting from all these ways you chase pleasure. Dopamine fasting. Its an interesting way to reconsider what you do on autopilot. Not eating for three days, not using any screens for a couple weeks, its really wild.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

I can relate. If you want to just try something different, try fasting from all these ways you chase pleasure. Dopamine fasting. Its an interesting way to reconsider what you do on autopilot. Not eating for three days, not using any screens for a couple weeks, its really wild.

I've heard of "dopamine detox" before, but it's my first time hearing that whole process called "fasting." I like it. Maybe because it makes me think a little more of discipline and monks and what not than just some silly buzz-term workaholic self-help gurus spread around to get fame and money and what not, haha!

Definitely a Herculean goal for me though. I oughta try it sometime, or at least set timers/limits or approach it all with a different mindset. And I guess it's not so much fasting from dopamine as from instant gratification — comfort zones, paths of least resistance, etc. May or may not go more insane in the process, but hey, you shots all the takes you don't miss, right? (Apologies for any strokes reading that induced.)

What're your experiences with this method though?

I don't know what I would consider to be not escapism. Isn't everything we do kind of pointless? You spend your time doing things to pass the time and then you die. I dunno lol.

That is true I guess haha! I guess if we continue to look at it that way: Eating is a distraction from hunger; drinking, a distraction from thirst; breathing, from suffocating; happiness from sadness; reality from drugs; vice versa, etc. Doesn't necessarily make those things less fulfilling or worth doing at least for people whose brains allow them to feel those things, but it's all perspective and such I guess. It's complicated, and writing about it just makes me more confused lol~

I find considering my personal experience using social media and the internet to escape is that the time where I can blur everything into numbness and apathy I am the happiest.

Some people say boredom is an illusion. Others say idle hands are the devils plaything. I find both explanations quite bizarre in a society where technology encourages boredom. It does so by playing with our emotions and our brains. It rings the bell to make us hungry and wants to starve us so we always come back.

On a wheel ever spinning in space seemingly going nowhere.

Those addictions feed us and on us. They pull towards the future beckoning us to desire more. Consumerism is a deadly sin. So is technology. Not a sin against God but a sin against our better nature.

Escape? There can be no escape. The Gods won't allow it. The pyramid sits with its all seeing eye watching. Always watching. It casts light on our suffering and shadows bleed past it to open new windows of desire. Like a hole. No matter how deep and hard you dig and scrape at its depths or boundaries it grows bigger. Until it's gaping maw is ready to consume you.

Maybe that's what life has become. Intelligence life anyway. Nature itself is an amoral canvas that humanity paints upon with a brush dipped in the colors of his soul. Suggested sin, boredom, pleasure, desire, an endless cycle of chasing the shadows cast backwards by the future.

I don't even know if death will free me from this waking world. And in that I feel a primitive sense of dread. Like two sides of the same coin. Logic and emotions sitting in a cave. Boredom is the fire they warm themselves by. They gaze into it and chaos looks back promising escape.

I've considered plucking both my eyes out in the past. I wonder if blindness will free me from the depravity I feel. If I offer more of my body up as a sacrifice will I find the simplicity comforting? But perhaps spite and malice against time is the only thing keeping me going.

"Planned obsolescence" is one term that come to mind, if I understand it correctly. Make a product just good enough so you'll buy it but just shitty (or to-be shitty) enough to keep you buying more. You're right when you say consumerism is a deadly sin as greed and gluttony are deadly sins. I've noticed, however, that as I've been spiraling down the lovely rabbit hole of suicidal depression, so I've been spiraling down (or be less resistant to) consumerism. I assume this is not uncommon, being so depressed you no longer care whether you're feeding into our late-stage capitalist hellhole and being a brainless sheep. You need the dopamine to survive, and so you give in. Or something like that.

I'm very intrigued as to what/who you're talking about when you mentioned "the Gods" and "the pyramid" and offering your body as a sacrifice. Would love to hear you elaborate on those! My interest in those has been kind of growing lately ;>

Nature itself is an amoral canvas that humanity paints upon with a brush dipped in the colors of his soul.

Very poetic by the way :D

 

[aquasaltstripes]

Have you thought about doing stuff for somewhere like Etsy? That can feel like creating for a small interest base- depending on how popular your stuff becomes. You also get stuck with the customer service side of things though- which isn't so great- problems if the postal service messes up, over-demanding customers etc.

I guess, ideally- it would be nice to do both- consume and produce art/ culture. I think over-doing either maybe isn't ideal. I've found that- people who are creative need to create in order to stay reasonably happy. But- if we have to do one thing all the time, it starts to lose it's appeal. Creating can start to feel like work then.

Personally speaking- I suppose I feel more like I've accomplished something when I'm creating- because- a lot of the time, we are still learning and developing our skills. Obviously- it's not great when it goes wrong though! Which is a lot. Practicality-wise it's a good thing for me too because it's my job- so- chances are- it means I have work- and I'd love to be able to support myself properly from doing something I at least don't hate. I hope you can find your way back to it. I hope I can too. I need the motivation now. Ironically, I'm 'bribing' myself to do it at the moment by putting music/ films on in the background. Another compromise really- do both at once!

Balance balance balance. Simple but hard-in-practice stuff like this is easy to forget haha. I have thought about selling stuff but am nowhere near confident enough in my skills to put anything out. It's a cool goal to work towards though. I'll try my best to work on it. Wish you the best of luck too <3

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Death, taxes, and escapism.

YouTube, Twitter, Instagram: My whole life I've lived off distractions and I guess it's only now I'm starting to realize, or rather, fully accept, that it's really not all that different or better than being dead. You know those "book good, technology bad" Boomer comics with the drawings of the people glued to their screens all hunched over and hypnotized and zombie-like? Yeah, the execution is pretty cringy and preachy and melodramatic, but I would be clowning myself if I said I haven't wasted a quarter of my life doing just that.

Fun fact: Lately I've been learning how to cook. I've tried a new recipe every other day for several weeks now, and I won't lie, it's actually pretty fun and satisfying — addictive even. And that's where the whole "constant escape" thing comes in. I cook not so much because I'm *in love with the craft* and *yearn to explore the possibilities and combinations of flavor and texture* but because I can't seem to satisfy myself in any other way. "Can't manage your mental health? Stuff your face with as much shit as possible for that sweet, sweet dopamine. Quench your filthy bodily desires you stupid pig!" That's more or less my whole philosophy for the thing, anyway. Instant gratification, stress-/binge-eating with the added satisfaction of making the meal yourself, etc.

Same thing with drawing and writing. When I do do these things it's always only because I'm bored, can't express or communicate myself to others IRL, have zero social skills (I have severe autism and BPD), need a substitute for human connection as well as escape from how shitty the world and my life is. Yes, boredom, loneliness, discontent, misanthropy, despair — all artists create for at least one of these reasons. The problem is when those are the *only* reasons you create art, the only sources of inspiration you draw from. When art is purely a coping mechanism. I used to love creating, but now it rarely ever gives me fulfillment, which depresses me even more because it makes me wonder if I ever even enjoyed it in the first place or (again) because I feel it's my only choice/escape from my loneliness and mediocrity. I've false-started so many projects because I get depressed whenever I think about how my art is never gonna give me the catharsis or joy I crave, how I have no interesting life experience to pour into it and give it the depth and beauty I see in others' art.

My story's nothing new: I never had a partner. I have no friends: I had some in elementary school but lost all of them after moving too many times. I went nonverbal throughout most if not all of middle and high school, fumbled all attempts at friendship, and graduated without forming a single connection.

So. Sometimes I cook. I masturbate a lot. I scroll and swipe a lot. I lie in bed all day, snuggling my blanket, daydreaming about my imaginary boyfriend. Sometimes I browse through my former classmates' social medias and wallow in jealousy and self-pity. Climate change and inflation don't make things any brighter. The days go by and blur into nothing. And all I am I guess is just another loser who can't love or live a happy life or stop being tortured by childhood regrets or decide whether to CTB or accept this my eternal mediocrity. Still hanging on somehow.

So, long-winded ice-breaker: What's your story and your relationship with escapism?

Thank you if you made it this far btw <3

Apologies after the fact for grammar mistakes, tangents, excessive self-pity and -deprecation.

holy fuck i could have written this
well i couldnt have but like, you are me basically.

i know exactly what this is like. this is literally my life
well, except that im too uncreative and lazy for drawing or art.
i could not agree any more with what you said.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

holy fuck i could have written this
well i couldnt have but like, you are me basically.

i know exactly what this is like. this is literally my life
well, except that im too uncreative and lazy for drawing or art.
i could not agree any more with what you said.

Glad I could at least put this into somewhat decent words for another person haha ;D

 

[Ambivalent1]

The purpose of life is to distract yourself until you die while at the same time prolonging your life as long as you can for some reason. The distractions can be fun but they're without lasting value. Books, movies, etc only matter while you're engaged with it.

All we have is the present moment. Past and future are basically imaginings created by a bored part of the brain that is like a conjoined twin. One moment lived is the equivalent of a fully lived life.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

I guess we prolong our lives only 'cause we're hardwired to; if we weren't, our species wouldn't even really be here right now, would it?

But I really love that image, of the past and future as a conjoined twin, and I guess you, present you, as the middle child.

Y'know the quote: "The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead"? (From a show called Bojack Horseman, from a character named Mr. Peanut butter, btw.)

Also that whole meme with the caption "Everything is meaningless!" and the below is the pictures of one person all frowning and depressed by that sentiment and the other sticking their thumbs up and smiling. I guess whatever leads one to peace the most efficiently, whether that be towards death or life. The problem of course is when you're spit-roasted between these two poles, where you're never quite truly living but also never really dying and so you stagnate and distract yourself in the meantime.

It's like Buridan's Ass, the story about the donkey who's equally thirsty and hungry but can't choose between a stack of hay or bucket of water and so they die. But even if they somehow managed to eat and drink at the same time they'll still die eventually of old age either way right?

I guess none of this rationalizing or intellectualizing or running around in circles really does anything, but hey, it makes me think, keeps me occupied, and feel a little better — sort of — I'm too tired and dumb to care if it's fake.