You're dead. faqs of those left behind

[Sotired]

I'm in the midst of writing my suicide note. What do those left behind want to know??!!

I'm thinking about those closest to me and what they want to know/what would help them feel less pain and understand why I ctb.

Id like to hear from different point of views; - people who are ctb and
- those who have lost loved ones (particularly to suicide)

> What do you wish you knew before they ctb?
>What could they say in their goodbye to make you feel better?
> Do you want to know exactly how they ctb?
>Is there anything they can do before ctb to relieve some pain?

Please feel free to add your own questions in the comments.

 

[SamK]

I've lost loved ones to suicide. I am dealing with it now as will soon do the same but when they left no note, i was always wondering....

... Was there anything i could've done to have helped them ?
... How long had they planned it, was it impulsive after something going wrong, or was it planned for a long time?
....did they forgive me for not noticing/helping?
...........i wanted to know the method. I wasn't actually told what two of them had done to CTB but i still feel the need to know if it was peaceful.
.........I wanted to know what caused them to take that action- CTB.
..........for them to make loved ones feel better, i think placing emphasis on it not being impulsive, a painful method,
to reassure them it's not their fault and that you love them

Basically i believe suicide notes are best when they are a little long. I have been bereaved by suicide 5 times and with my closest loved one there was no note. She just drew a portrait of my face and it was found next to her body. I never understood why she did that. But a note would have been nice... an explanation, a reassurance i coudn't have helped her first, etc

 

[SamK]

I also think its nice to leave a little biography of your life.
Somone suggested this once.

...things like
what were your favourite memories?
what were your favourite places you visited
what were you spiritual beliefs?
what was your favourite (music, thing to do, who was your closest friend)
what are you proud you achieved in your life?
do you have any regrets?
who would you thank and what would you thank them for?
etc etc. i've started writing a little bio to leave for the children.

 

[Sotired]

I've lost loved ones to suicide. I am dealing with it now as will soon do the same but when they left no note, i was always wondering....

... Was there anything i could've done to have helped them ?
... How long had they planned it, was it impulsive after something going wrong, or was it planned for a long time?
....did they forgive me for not noticing/helping?
...........i wanted to know the method. I wasn't actually told what two of them had done to CTB but i still feel the need to know if it was peaceful.
.........I wanted to know what caused them to take that action- CTB.
..........for them to make loved ones feel better, i think placing emphasis on it not being impulsive, a painful method,
to reassure them it's not their fault and that you love them

Basically i believe suicide notes are best when they are a little long. I have been bereaved by suicide 5 times and with my closest loved one there was no note. She just drew a portrait of my face and it was found next to her body. I never understood why she did that. But a note would have been nice... an explanation, a reassurance i coudn't have helped her first, etc

I'm so sorry for your losses.
But I'm so thankful for your insight. Thank you for opening my eyes to things I can write to my loved ones so that I may comfort and provide more closure.
Xx

 

[SamK]

One more thing... if you have online friends and stuff, leaving instructions for people to be contacted might be useful. Addresses and email addresses of people/friends who are abroad if you have any.

then wishes.
With my loved ones, we often found people were arguing about the funeral. She told me for example , the music she wanted , and to be buried. But when she CTB the family instead cremated her and gave her a religious ceremony which she would have absolutely hated. Make sure you mention preferences if you have any :)
remember we might not worry about that but it helps to give them a lil bit of a guide, as planning funerals can be stressful. Even if you just write : cremate me, scatter in ocean, happier music, no wearing black '' etc.

 

[SamK]

I'm so sorry for your losses.
But I'm so thankful for your insight. Thank you for opening my eyes to things I can write to my loved ones so that I may comfort and provide more closure.
Xx

Thank you so much for caring! it makes me happy when people consider these things. I mean its the last thing you are going to leave, i agree its important to make sure you cover all bases. I'm so sorry it's come to this for you but you're more than welcome. xxx
The note, when you are gone, is going to be treasured. Consider photo copying it for other family members if you plan on handing it to more than one person
Also note, the police might take it to investigate your death
- they'll give it back, but you wont want to risk any pieces going missing, staple them all together or put them in some clear wallets

 

[Aaron Josef]

I just lost my brother to suicide.
I would ask why he didn't wait for me?
Under different circumstances.

 

[Sotired]

One more thing... if you have online friends and stuff, leaving instructions for people to be contacted might be useful. Addresses and email addresses of people/friends who are abroad if you have any.

then wishes.
With my loved ones, we often found people were arguing about the funeral. She told me for example , the music she wanted , and to be buried. But when she CTB the family instead cremated her and gave her a religious ceremony which she would have absolutely hated. Make sure you mention preferences if you have any :)
remember we might not worry about that but it helps to give them a lil bit of a guide, as planning funerals can be stressful. Even if you just write : cremate me, scatter in ocean, happier music, no wearing black '' etc.

Absolutely I agree. This is something I have considered in my letter. Basically advising my family what to tell others as a matter of my wishes (if they choose to follow them/doesn't matter, I'll be dead!).
And matter of burial... Ha! I prefer cremation to be spread out to the atmosphere and secluded night star saturated sky! But my family will prefer a grave to be visited and grieved upon. Once i ctb the body is not my own so whatever makes them feel better I accept and will encourage them so in my note.

 

[SamK]

I run a bereavement forum and here is what someone posted, its worth sharing with you all -

''I feel that this is important for dealing with our loss of a loved one or impending loss of our own life.

I do know that some of us have this fear that we will be forgotten after we have been gone for a while. We work hard to create a life for ourselves, and when we die it can be hard to let it all go and trust that we will not be forgotten.

So I feel that leaving a scrapbook is a wonderful way to celebrate your life or a loved one's because this is something special to leave behind to make sure we will be remembered. I feel that souls on the other side often wished they had made themselves better understood to their loved ones while they were alive.

Many people who are in their dying process shut down mentally when they've been told they are dying. They get very depressed and stare at the TV all day, waiting to die. If you are one of those people, you can go ahead and shut off that darn TV and use that time instead to make a scrapbook of your life. You're still here. You're still alive. Your mind still works, so make a scrapbook of you or have someone to make it with you, this will be special time for both of you.

I have some suggestions for you but again, this is your book, so do what symbolizes you the best.

You can talk about:
childhood memories
favorite toys
holidays
birthdays
special presents you got
special relatives
s friends and why they were special
favorite playtimes
books you loved
games you played
childhood pets.
You can talk about teen and high school memories.
College memories what the time were like back then, your favorite classes or professors, what they looked like, what you looked like, what you loved doing in class.
Divorces or breakups.
Children and grandchildren.
Careers or jobs.
Important accomplishments.
Obstacles you overcame.
Dreams and goals never fulfilled.
Fought for or believed in.
Hobbies.
Retirement reflections.
Places you lived.
Places you traveled.
Things that you would like your loved ones to remember about you.
Things you never told your loved ones.
The best times of your life.
The worst times of your life.
Significant friends.
Cars you have driven.
Things you built or created.
Listing resentments, people who have hurt you and why, and people you have hurt and why.

There are stores that are filled with scrapbooking and archiving materials and shopping for them might be a fun outing that will lift your spirits. But if you're not able to get out and buy supplies, ask someone to get them for you or order them online and have them delivered.

There are different ways how to celebrate your life or a loved one's, it does not have to be just a scrapbook. You don't have to go that route, but the point is to collect your thoughts, beliefs, and memories in a way that you would like others to enjoy.

It could be some kind of a journal book. It could be photos and other mementos in whatever boxes or bags you have handy. It could be making a record of your voice or a video, talk about anything that comes to mind. If you don't have the energy to do this yourself, ask a friend or family member to help you with this.




This is just something I thought I would like to share with all of you..... '' (NOT my post, but a members, and i think its great in our situations

 

[Sotired]

Thank you so much for caring! it makes me happy when people consider these things. I mean its the last thing you are going to leave, i agree its important to make sure you cover all bases. I'm so sorry it's come to this for you but you're more than welcome. xxx
The note, when you are gone, is going to be treasured. Consider photo copying it for other family members if you plan on handing it to more than one person
Also note, the police might take it to investigate your death
- they'll give it back, but you wont want to risk any pieces going missing, staple them all together or put them in some clear wallets

I replied to this already, but thank you for bringing to my attention about the note going to police. I'll make sure I have copies made. X

 

[Sotired]

I just lost my brother to suicide.
I would ask why he didn't wait for me?
Under different circumstances.

I'm sorry to you for this. Did he leave a note of any sort? Or know that you felt the same way?

 

[Aaron Josef]

I'm sorry to you for this. Did he leave a note of any sort? Or know that you felt the same way?

We both talked about it after losing a friend in 2017.
Now he left me, I've already mentioned this when I first got on here,sorry.

 

[millefeui]

Try to choose your words carefully, to prevent people from misinterpreting what you said. They will still likely misinterpret things as every person, in theory, interprets things in their own way, but still.

If I were to be the one left behind, all I would want to know is if that was the best decision the person could take. Will killing yourself bring you peace or any sort of comfort? That is something I would like to know. Anything else is fluff, for me.

 

[Sotired]

Try to choose your words carefully, to prevent people from misinterpreting what you said. They will still likely misinterpret things as every person, in theory, interprets things in their own way, but still.

If I were to be the one left behind, all I would want to know is if that was the best decision the person could take. Will killing yourself bring you peace or any sort of comfort? That is something I would like to know. Anything else is fluff, for me.

Thank you for your input. I think you raise a very valid point and I will definitely try to reassure my family that my ctb was my answer to finding peace.

Can you private message me as to me misinterpreting my post? Thank you xx

 

[Lovemykids]

I also think its nice to leave a little biography of your life.
Somone suggested this once.

...things like
what were your favourite memories?
what were your favourite places you visited
what were you spiritual beliefs?
what was your favourite (music, thing to do, who was your closest friend)
what are you proud you achieved in your life?
do you have any regrets?
who would you thank and what would you thank them for?
etc etc. i've started writing a little bio to leave for the children.

I run a bereavement forum and here is what someone posted, its worth sharing with you all -

''I feel that this is important for dealing with our loss of a loved one or impending loss of our own life.

I do know that some of us have this fear that we will be forgotten after we have been gone for a while. We work hard to create a life for ourselves, and when we die it can be hard to let it all go and trust that we will not be forgotten.

So I feel that leaving a scrapbook is a wonderful way to celebrate your life or a loved one's because this is something special to leave behind to make sure we will be remembered. I feel that souls on the other side often wished they had made themselves better understood to their loved ones while they were alive.

Many people who are in their dying process shut down mentally when they've been told they are dying. They get very depressed and stare at the TV all day, waiting to die. If you are one of those people, you can go ahead and shut off that darn TV and use that time instead to make a scrapbook of your life. You're still here. You're still alive. Your mind still works, so make a scrapbook of you or have someone to make it with you, this will be special time for both of you.

I have some suggestions for you but again, this is your book, so do what symbolizes you the best.

You can talk about:
childhood memories
favorite toys
holidays
birthdays
special presents you got
special relatives
s friends and why they were special
favorite playtimes
books you loved
games you played
childhood pets.
You can talk about teen and high school memories.
College memories what the time were like back then, your favorite classes or professors, what they looked like, what you looked like, what you loved doing in class.
Divorces or breakups.
Children and grandchildren.
Careers or jobs.
Important accomplishments.
Obstacles you overcame.
Dreams and goals never fulfilled.
Fought for or believed in.
Hobbies.
Retirement reflections.
Places you lived.
Places you traveled.
Things that you would like your loved ones to remember about you.
Things you never told your loved ones.
The best times of your life.
The worst times of your life.
Significant friends.
Cars you have driven.
Things you built or created.
Listing resentments, people who have hurt you and why, and people you have hurt and why.

There are stores that are filled with scrapbooking and archiving materials and shopping for them might be a fun outing that will lift your spirits. But if you're not able to get out and buy supplies, ask someone to get them for you or order them online and have them delivered.

There are different ways how to celebrate your life or a loved one's, it does not have to be just a scrapbook. You don't have to go that route, but the point is to collect your thoughts, beliefs, and memories in a way that you would like others to enjoy.

It could be some kind of a journal book. It could be photos and other mementos in whatever boxes or bags you have handy. It could be making a record of your voice or a video, talk about anything that comes to mind. If you don't have the energy to do this yourself, ask a friend or family member to help you with this.




This is just something I thought I would like to share with all of you..... '' (NOT my post, but a members, and i think its great in our situations

Thank you

 

[willowtrees0]

when I wrote my suicide note I wanted it to be short and sweet because I know my loved ones will be crushed by my death. In school I learned that letters generally contained 3 parts (the intro, the main subject, the outro) you dont have to use this thats just the general. when Writing mine I made a rule to only write 3 paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each. I wrote different points

ex. - reassure nothing could be done
- explain what went wrong.
- remind them that you love them or that you will watch over them

I then wrote 3-5 sentences based on these. A big thing I see in suicide notes is people ramble. which is fine if thats how you want it but alot of times it leaves your family and friends scrambling to figure out the letter. pulling at things that arent there. You have to think this may be the first thing your family reads after your death so they will be a mess and you dont want to confuse them or write things that can be taken the wrong way.

You can write your note however you want. this was just how I wrote mine.

 

[millefeui]

Thank you for your input. I think you raise a very valid point and I will definitely try to reassure my family that my ctb was my answer to finding peace.

Can you private message me as to me misinterpreting my post? Thank you xx

What I mean by possible misinterpretations is that... Hmm, imagine someone you know and care about kills themselves, and leaves a note behind saying this:

"My life was nonredeemable trash, there was nothing good about it". Maybe they meant that in general, life wasn't kind to them, and they only expressed their frustration in a very dramatic way... But maybe you or someone else could interpret that as the person who died saying that literally EVERYTHING about their life was bad, including the relationship and memories they had with you. That would hurt, wouldn't it?

Also, something I always keep in mind when writing my letter (it is more of an autobiography, actually) is to not blame others for anything. For example, my mother has been shitty to me so many times in life, but I am not mentioning that in the letter. I am not blaming her for say, not standing up for me when I told her a friend of her abused me when I was a kid. It was shitty, yes, but if I blame her for that... She might think I am blaming her for my death, which is not what I want. It is not anyone's fault that I will kill myself in a few years (...unless there is a God).

That is why I say choosing words carefully is important, but... Don't bother with perfection. Just do your best.

 

[Sotired]

What I mean by possible misinterpretations is that... Hmm, imagine someone you know and care about kills themselves, and leaves a note behind saying this:

"My life was nonredeemable trash, there was nothing good about it". Maybe they meant that in general, life wasn't kind to them, and they only expressed their frustration in a very dramatic way... But maybe you or someone else could interpret that as the person who died saying that literally EVERYTHING about their life was bad, including the relationship and memories they had with you. That would hurt, wouldn't it?

Also, something I always keep in mind when writing my letter (it is more of an autobiography, actually) is to not blame others for anything. For example, my mother has been shitty to me so many times in life, but I am not mentioning that in the letter. I am not blaming her for say, not standing up for me when I told her a friend of her abused me when I was a kid. It was shitty, yes, but if I blame her for that... She might think I am blaming her for my death, which is not what I want. It is not anyone's fault that I will kill myself in a few years (...unless there is a God).

That is why I say choosing words carefully is important, but... Don't bother with perfection. Just do your best.[/QUOTE

What I mean by possible misinterpretations is that... Hmm, imagine someone you know and care about kills themselves, and leaves a note behind saying this:

"My life was nonredeemable trash, there was nothing good about it". Maybe they meant that in general, life wasn't kind to them, and they only expressed their frustration in a very dramatic way... But maybe you or someone else could interpret that as the person who died saying that literally EVERYTHING about their life was bad, including the relationship and memories they had with you. That would hurt, wouldn't it?

Also, something I always keep in mind when writing my letter (it is more of an autobiography, actually) is to not blame others for anything. For example, my mother has been shitty to me so many times in life, but I am not mentioning that in the letter. I am not blaming her for say, not standing up for me when I told her a friend of her abused me when I was a kid. It was shitty, yes, but if I blame her for that... She might think I am blaming her for my death, which is not what I want. It is not anyone's fault that I will kill myself in a few years (...unless there is a God).

That is why I say choosing words carefully is important, but... Don't bother with perfection. Just do your best.

My gosh I apologise. In my insecurity I thought your original post was targeting my thread question, rather than answering it.

Evidence of my poor state of mind at the moment. I had your post screenshotted ready to argue back and then realized it wasn't personal to me at all I'm so fkd in the mind and ready to ctb.

Now that I see you're answering the question (not attacking me as I dumbly thought) I absolutely agree with the advice you give. Thank you for the insight to myself and to my question!! Xx

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

I've lost loved ones to suicide. I am dealing with it now as will soon do the same but when they left no note, i was always wondering....

... Was there anything i could've done to have helped them ?
... How long had they planned it, was it impulsive after something going wrong, or was it planned for a long time?
....did they forgive me for not noticing/helping?
...........i wanted to know the method. I wasn't actually told what two of them had done to CTB but i still feel the need to know if it was peaceful.
.........I wanted to know what caused them to take that action- CTB.
..........for them to make loved ones feel better, i think placing emphasis on it not being impulsive, a painful method,
to reassure them it's not their fault and that you love them

Basically i believe suicide notes are best when they are a little long. I have been bereaved by suicide 5 times and with my closest loved one there was no note. She just drew a portrait of my face and it was found next to her body. I never understood why she did that. But a note would have been nice... an explanation, a reassurance i coudn't have helped her first, etc

I think your portrait comforted her. People cant really tell anybody like family, its the best she could do to have you near.

 

[millefeui]

My gosh I apologise. In my insecurity I thought your original post was targeting my thread question, rather than answering it.

Evidence of my poor state of mind at the moment. I had your post screenshotted ready to argue back and then realized it wasn't personal to me at all I'm so fkd in the mind and ready to ctb.

Now that I see you're answering the question (not attacking me as I dumbly thought) I absolutely agree with the advice you give. Thank you for the insight to myself and to my question!! Xx

It is alright. Mistakes happen.