Venting “You’re being selfish”

[Flick]

"You're being selfish. You're going to hurt the people around you, do you not care?"
I hear these words often enough, and it's infuriating.
what about me? What about my pain? Every single day, hour, minute. Every second of pain and hurt. Having it chip away at you, bit by bit.
I would think that, specifically for my situation with the people around me, they'll be okay. I won't say it wouldn't hurt, but I know they'll get through it. I know.
they can.
But I don't think I have that.
furthermore the lack of any support system.
Abandonment and loneliness seem to be all that's left.
How much pain is too much?
when is it fair for me to draw the line?
am I expected to suffer the rest of my life?
Spend the rest of my life miserable, for everyone else. I've already been doing that; I don't want to anymore.
When is it acceptable to call it quits?

 

[faust]

In some Eastern European countries with huge suicide rates (like Lithuania, Russia, Belarus) the subject of suicide remains a taboo. They are not doing anything about these numbers, they just ignore that like nothing happens. When you are talking to some people, they recognize this topic as a taboo as well so every time you talk about that they want you to shut up because in their understanding this is something not acceptable and amoral to mention so must remain a taboo. They think that ignoring the problem means solving the problem, but it does not work that way. That's the flip side.

Now the next aspect. When you tell people you want to leave, they first think not about you but which damage it will bring to them. If they think they are losing something, they will be convincing you to stay and will be using manipulations which will make you feel guilty about your intentions. Just because they can get something from you.

 

[Toptock]

Almost exactly the reason i don't talk to family. People feel like they have to "tough love" depression out of you like you're some middle schooler who needs a pep talk.
Personally i believe that the people who try to "reality check" it out of you (ie: the "You're not depressed," "you're being selfish" crowd) are idiots who do nothing but make it all worse to feed their already massive egos.
They think of us as damaged trinkets to pensively stare at during Thanksgiving.
Personally? I've gotten rid of these people.

 

[TheRaul95]

Reality can be harsh in one way or another

 

[mx5nb3]

Almost exactly the reason i don't talk to family. People feel like they have to "tough love" depression out of you like you're some middle schooler who needs a pep talk.
Personally i believe that the people who try to "reality check" it out of you (ie: the "You're not depressed," "you're being selfish" crowd) are idiots who do nothing but make it all worse to feed their already massive egos.
They think of us as damaged trinkets to pensively stare at during Thanksgiving.
Personally? I've gotten rid of these people.

Saw a great t shirt the other day:
'ego is not your amigo'. Seems ego leads to lots of insincerity

 

[FriendofDeath]

"You're being selfish. You're going to hurt the people around you, do you not care?"
I hear these words often enough, and it's infuriating.
what about me? What about my pain? Every single day, hour, minute. Every second of pain and hurt. Having it chip away at you, bit by bit.
I would think that, specifically for my situation with the people around me, they'll be okay. I won't say it wouldn't hurt, but I know they'll get through it. I know.
they can.
But I don't think I have that.
furthermore the lack of any support system.
Abandonment and loneliness seem to be all that's left.
How much pain is too much?
when is it fair for me to draw the line?
am I expected to suffer the rest of my life?
Spend the rest of my life miserable, for everyone else. I've already been doing that; I don't want to anymore.
When is it acceptable to call it quits?

Losing a close loved one to suicide is devastating (immediate family member) I'm still not sure why I didn't die the same day, because life has been hell, and who I was is much different from who I am now. Because I know the pain of this type of loss, it should keep me from trying to ctb. To some extent, I think it has. I don't want to put my mother through what I've been through. So I stay, and care for my cats.

But I've also come full circle - it's why ctb is an option - why should I live miserably, in physical, emotional and mental pain for everyone else? One of the things you'll hear often is to take care of yourself. You should not have to exist for everyone else - you should exist for you.

I've had suicidal tendencies most of my life - in my younger years I didn't want to hurt my parents and I still had some hope. As a mother, my mental well-being improved, and I wasn't considering leaving this earth or my child. Without him now, I am lost. I'm doing the best I can, for me and my mother at this point. But if in the future I am overwhelmed, I will have to be selfish, and I will have to make the best choice for me. I wrote this long story because I think it mirrors where you are at the moment. You are a worthy person. You need to take care of you. Does that mean you have to make a big decision right now? No. But do find a way to make yourself number one.

 

[Raminiki]

Your first concern is to yourself and your own wants, needs and wellbeing. If you force yourself to live for the sake of others, it will make you unhappy. If you have hope of things getting better, hang on and work towards that. If you've had enough, you have the right to end things on your own terms. You did not make the decision to live. You have every right to make the decision to die if you want to.

Self care is not selfish. If self care means ending your suffering by euthanasia, it is not selfish.

I understand that suicide greatly affects our friends and family. There was a suicide in my family and its shadow hangs over me. Only you can decide if you want to continue for their sake. But do not allow emotional blackmail to decide for you.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

 

[Bct]

It's ironic people who said "suicide is selfish" to the suicidal usually think about their loss first instead of suffering of the suicidal, let alone taking care of them so life could be more bearable. That's more egoist than someone who wants to end their own suffering.

Some also said something similar like "The world doesn't revolve around you." What a good argument. I don't matter anyway so if I die the world is still doing fine as is.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

You're also being selfish for wanting me to stay just to make you feel better.

 

[SpottedPanda]

Selfish sits fine with me. I've noticed it perceived as a derogatory slur almost. But long before I was suicidal, I learned to see it as a compliment.

I concluded that successful people always had the ability to be selfish. That's not to say they were inherently callous or incapable of selfless acts, just that a strong person has the ability to be selfish and uses that as a viable means to achieve what they wish.

At times in my life I've been weak, unable to be selfish at times. And that lack of seizing the moment for my own gain has led to no shortage of pain.

People were confused when I used to say selfishness is a strength, but I still feel that way.

 

[Flick]

It all only drives in the feeling of loneliness and abandonment

and really, trying to guilt a person out of suicide, how does that possibly do anything other than push them further away?
for me at least, the only change it would lead to is for me to stop mentioning it. Pretend it isn't there, so the other person won't have to acknowledge or respond to it (because that makes them wildly uncomfortable). Even though it is very certainly still there, waiting to resurface.

do they not think we _want_ to get better?
that we had 20 options but chose this?
that we haven't put enough thought into it to know?
For me at least, ctb is out of desperation, because nothing else makes sense.
After years of pondering, trying, fighting.
Life is a distraction, but trying to make it a big enough a distraction to block things out is exhausting.
sometimes, time is not enough.

 

[ugly_loser2008]

I kinda had the opposite experience. a buddy of mine killed himself last year and when he was planning he actually asked me if i wanted to kill myself with him. i was considering it and almost said yes about a couple of other buddies told me i should give myself another chance and i shouldnt just rush into suicide. of course like alwasy i made the dumbass decision and decided to give myslef another chance. at one point i was glad i did as things strated to come together again - got another job even though just pt, could actually pay rent again feeling like maybe things were going good. but as is always the case for me things turned to shit when i lost my job again cuz of virus, i had an accusation against me that has me going to court at some point and i'm sittin here thinking why the fuck didnt i join him? he's at peace and im still standing in shit. when i started planning again the same buddies that told me to give myself another chance started to sense i was planning again and asked me outright if i was planning to kill myself. when i told them yes, they didnt try to talk me out of it, i think they felt guilty for talking me out of it the first time.

 

[KibblesNBits]

Selfish sits fine with me. I've noticed it perceived as a derogatory slur almost. But long before I was suicidal, I learned to see it as a compliment.

I concluded that successful people always had the ability to be selfish. That's not to say they were inherently callous or incapable of selfless acts, just that a strong person has the ability to be selfish and uses that as a viable means to achieve what they wish.

At times in my life I've been weak, unable to be selfish at times. And that lack of seizing the moment for my own gain has led to no shortage of pain.

People were confused when I used to say selfishness is a strength, but I still feel that way.

People have a natural instinct to be biased towards the self. We evolved that way. People who strongly disagree with that are lying to themselves.

I kinda had the opposite experience. a buddy of mine killed himself last year and when he was planning he actually asked me if i wanted to kill myself with him. i was considering it and almost said yes about a couple of other buddies told me i should give myself another chance and i shouldnt just rush into suicide. of course like alwasy i made the dumbass decision and decided to give myslef another chance. at one point i was glad i did as things strated to come together again - got another job even though just pt, could actually pay rent again feeling like maybe things were going good. but as is always the case for me things turned to shit when i lost my job again cuz of virus, i had an accusation against me that has me going to court at some point and i'm sittin here thinking why the fuck didnt i join him? he's at peace and im still standing in shit. when i started planning again the same buddies that told me to give myself another chance started to sense i was planning again and asked me outright if i was planning to kill myself. when i told them yes, they didnt try to talk me out of it, i think they felt guilty for talking me out of it the first time.

Yup. Five or so years ago when I realized how disastrous my life had become and the danger I was in, people did the whole "Be positive!'' and "Things will get better!" schtick with me and back then I bought into it and held on for a few years thinking that had been rock bottom and that up was the only direction to go in. Boy, was I wrong! I didn't even know what rock bottom was until now. This past year, everything fell apart and my worst fears have been realized. The same false hope virtue signallers tried the "Chin up!" and "Things will improve!" approach with me again briefly until I kindly told them to go fuck themselves. The forced positivity brigade only works once. I won't be lied too again. Now, people don't even know what to say to me anymore. I think they finally realized I can't be saved.

 

[rhiino]

I didn't even know what rock bottom was until now.

I don't even think there is rock bottom. It can always get even worse.

 

[Whatsthepointanyway]

Selfish sits fine with me. I've noticed it perceived as a derogatory slur almost. But long before I was suicidal, I learned to see it as a compliment.

I concluded that successful people always had the ability to be selfish. That's not to say they were inherently callous or incapable of selfless acts, just that a strong person has the ability to be selfish and uses that as a viable means to achieve what they wish.

At times in my life I've been weak, unable to be selfish at times. And that lack of seizing the moment for my own gain has led to no shortage of pain.

People were confused when I used to say selfishness is a strength, but I still feel that way.

I agree. Whether we like it or not, if you have people that will be hurt by your passing, suicide is a selfish act. It ends your own suffering and gives it to others. You have to accept that if you're going to ctb.

My sister committed suicide ten years ago and I've been suffering ever since. Now all my loving relatives are gone it's my time. I know I can go without causing too much pain. But I still feel guilty about the pain it will cause for my few remaining friends

 

[rhiino]

My sister committed suicide ten years ago and I've been suffering ever since.

I literally have tears in my eyes thinking of my brother that might end up in your position because of my suicide. This is so cruel.

 

[MeriDeath]

I believe the truth is that they are the ones being selfish. Because they don't think about you. They only care about themselves. If they were to care really, they would try and talk you out of it for the sake of doing this. Every decent human being knows pushing someone towards the edge when he's already feeling suicidal is just a pure cruelty. So yes. In a way they are right. The people around you will be hurt. But the one that's hurting everyday, is you. The one that's not hurting everyday is them. Now tell me who is the selfish In this story? My best advice is to just keep away from people because well..they don't understand. They never will. Unless they special like you.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

They say suicide is selfish because if affects those that care about you, but if they really cared then they wouldn't call you selfish. Losing a loved one is painful and everyone is allowed to feel that pain or any other upsetting emotions, but at the same time they should at least try to understand why someone would want to end their own lives as well. Except they don't do that.

Those that say suicide is selfish are often times the same folk who want nothing to do with a suicidal person while they are alive - the bullies who abuse you, the crowd who rejects you for not fitting in, the society that looks down on you for not meeting its expectations. Yet these are the same people who cry foul when we decide to leave.

 

[Black Swan]

I don't have anyone to worry about other than my cat. Would these people say the same to me? I wouldn't be surprised if they did because the fact that you have some relatives existing alone is the reason for them to assume these people truly care. Even when they do, they do it for wrongest reasons possible. I'm not even talking about the family you were raised in...

My mother is schizoid like me, she and my schizoid father were actually unknowingly the reasons why my life is ruined while their lives were and still are miserable too because of their childhood traumas (lots of suicidal people have them too and they also don't know about it). She's absolutely indifferent and frozen even though maybe she's not consciously hateful towards me (but it doesn't matter if it's conscious). I don't feel anything towards her other than pity because if she was aware of her trauma and how her life was ruined, she wouldn't be able to handle it too.

But what I had said to me as an argument in my stupid conservative country is that because I'm female my life is worth because I can have a child. Imagine who a deeply traumatized child of deeply traumatized parents would raise... That's so offensive and sad how unaware these clueless men are.

Two last posts and most of the posts in this thread - they couldn't be more accurate... Some part of me still thinks it's really pity most of the people will never know the truth and that many voices here I so unheard....

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

"You're being selfish. You're going to hurt the people around you, do you not care?"
I hear these words often enough, and it's infuriating.
what about me? What about my pain? Every single day, hour, minute. Every second of pain and hurt. Having it chip away at you, bit by bit.
I would think that, specifically for my situation with the people around me, they'll be okay. I won't say it wouldn't hurt, but I know they'll get through it. I know.
they can.
But I don't think I have that.
furthermore the lack of any support system.
Abandonment and loneliness seem to be all that's left.
How much pain is too much?
when is it fair for me to draw the line?
am I expected to suffer the rest of my life?
Spend the rest of my life miserable, for everyone else. I've already been doing that; I don't want to anymore.
When is it acceptable to call it quits?

I want to say to people "You're Being Selfish" to want me to stay in this hell so YOU aren't miserable.

 

[SoIntoYou]

Your spirit is SOVEREIGN. You get to decide what to do with your life. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise.

 

[Lost1804]

Losing a close loved one to suicide is devastating (immediate family member) I'm still not sure why I didn't die the same day, because life has been hell, and who I was is much different from who I am now. Because I know the pain of this type of loss, it should keep me from trying to ctb. To some extent, I think it has. I don't want to put my mother through what I've been through. So I stay, and care for my cats.

But I've also come full circle - it's why ctb is an option - why should I live miserably, in physical, emotional and mental pain for everyone else? One of the things you'll hear often is to take care of yourself. You should not have to exist for everyone else - you should exist for you.

I've had suicidal tendencies most of my life - in my younger years I didn't want to hurt my parents and I still had some hope. As a mother, my mental well-being improved, and I wasn't considering leaving this earth or my child. Without him now, I am lost. I'm doing the best I can, for me and my mother at this point. But if in the future I am overwhelmed, I will have to be selfish, and I will have to make the best choice for me. I wrote this long story because I think it mirrors where you are at the moment. You are a worthy person. You need to take care of you. Does that mean you have to make a big decision right now? No. But do find a way to make yourself number one.

I was thinking this same thought. I'm sorry you have suffered the same loss as myself.
Losing someone close to suicide is soul destroying. Some can move forward from it. Some can't.
I sometimes used to ponder the question... Who is worse, the person who wants to end their life, or the people who truly love them and want them to stay?
Plenty of people will dismiss a suicide as selfish, thoughtless, sick, and not want to know.
But some of us genuinely suffer that loss. Our lives are destroyed, finished. Deep grief can only come from deep love. The suffering of a suicidal person who is really loved, only passes that suffering on to those who love them.
I still don't know the answer to my question. But I do know my life is over since such a devastating loss.
Not everyone tries to stop a suicide out of pure selfishness. For many of us it's out of pure love.
Thankfully my parents are long gone. My departure will hurt some people. But they know why I will leave.

 

[rvxwit]

I lost someone close to me to suicide and it's had a massive effect on my life; it effectively ended my career and sent me into a tailspin that I don't really expect to recover from. Suicide absolutely is selfish; my friend put ending his suffering over the suffering of those around him. If you commit suicide and you're leaving people that care about you behind then it's a selfish act, and it's up to you to make peace with that fact. My guess is most of the people here don't think of themselves as 'good people' (certainly this applies to me). Just add 'selfish' to your list of defects.

 

[SoIntoYou]

I lost someone close to me to suicide and it's had a massive effect on my life; it effectively ended my career and sent me into a tailspin that I don't really expect to recover from. Suicide absolutely is selfish; my friend put ending his suffering over the suffering of those around him. If you commit suicide and you're leaving people that care about you behind then it's a selfish act, and it's up to you to make peace with that fact. My guess is most of the people here don't think of themselves as 'good people' (certainly this applies to me). Just add 'selfish' to your list of defects.

Before I come down on you, please tell me how the death of your friend ended your career.

 

[rvxwit]

I'm sorry to have upset you, I didn't mean to.

My friend and I chose similar careers; I went into grad school to follow in his footsteps to some extent. When he died I dropped out, derailing the 7+ years invested.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Everyone is selfish. Even those who force us to stay despite our pain. Just because youre happy about your life, doesnt mean my life is good.

Others dont feel our pain and suffering and they cannot see our perspective. I cant see theirs either, as im not living a good, happy, healthy and or painless life.

Sure, it hurts them when we go. It would hurt me too. But 2 people i loved died to illness and they begged to be allowed to suicide, and denied. They suffered greatly. And it hurts me even more. They still died, but they could have had a better death.

Mental illness is also an illness. Suffering is not any less just because someone doesnt have a visible booboo.

We should respect everyone and their decision. We cant blame those who left for mistakes we did "because of them".

We feel pain and sadness when others die or ctb, but do we ever think about how much worse then us did they feel to decide to do such difficult act? I doubt many think of that.

Making decisions for yourself and your own life is not selfish. Its selfish to ask of others to do this or that so that they feel good and so that they dont fail in their own life.

If i ctb, its not my fault you lost a job, or a spouse. If you thought i could make it without ctb, then why are you blaming me for your mess.

When my dad died of illness was it my dads fault my brother failed in college, or his for not sticking up to his duties? I dont think he, or anyone would be allowed to blame my dad dieing for his failed college.

If my dad did ctb, would we be allowed to blame him for the same college failure? No. Why? Because we live our own lives, we all get sad, but such failures are our own, not someone elses.

Hate me all you want.

 

[rvxwit]

Everyone is selfish. Even those who force us to stay despite our pain. Just because youre happy about your life, doesnt mean my life is good.

Others dont feel our pain and suffering and they cannot see our perspective. I cant see theirs either, as im not living a good, happy, healthy and or painless life.

Sure, it hurts them when we go. It would hurt me too. But 2 people i loved died to illness and they begged to be allowed to suicide, and denied. They suffered greatly. And it hurts me even more. They still died, but they could have had a better death.

Mental illness is also an illness. Suffering is not any less just because someone doesnt have a visible booboo.

We should respect everyone and their decision. We cant blame those who left for mistakes we did "because of them".

We feel pain and sadness when others die or ctb, but do we ever think about how much worse then us did they feel to decide to do such difficult act? I doubt many think of that.

Making decisions for yourself and your own life is not selfish. Its selfish to ask of others to do this or that so that they feel good and so that they dont fail in their own life.

If i ctb, its not my fault you lost a job, or a spouse. If you thought i could make it without ctb, then why are you blaming me for your mess.

When my dad died of illness was it my dads fault my brother failed in college, or his for not sticking up to his duties? I dont think he, or anyone would be allowed to blame my dad dieing for his failed college.

If my dad did ctb, would we be allowed to blame him for the same college failure? No. Why? Because we live our own lives, we all get sad, but such failures are our own, not someone elses.

Hate me all you want.

Not sure if you were responding to me but I think you have some great points. First in your case - denying someone the right to die with dignity because of how it would affect the denier is really horrible and selfish and I'm sorry you had to experience that.

The death of a loved one (or any event, really) will affect different people in different ways, and it's impossible to know for certain what would have happened to an individual had things happened differently than they did. I don't blame my friend for his death - indeed I blame myself much more than I could ever blame him. That said, on average the suicide of a loved one has very real, measurable effects on those that remain. If you decide those effects aren't your responsibility that's your decision, but for my own experience of how horrible it was, I think of myself as quite selfish indeed for thinking about suicide. That doesn't make suicide the wrong choice, but I think it's something to consider before you decide.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Not sure if you were responding to me but I think you have some great points. First in your case - denying someone the right to die with dignity because of how it would affect the denier is really horrible and selfish and I'm sorry you had to experience that.

The death of a loved one (or any event, really) will affect different people in different ways, and it's impossible to know for certain what would have happened to an individual had things happened differently than they did. I don't blame my friend for his death - indeed I blame myself much more than I could ever blame him. That said, on average the suicide of a loved one has very real, measurable effects on those that remain. If you decide those effects aren't your responsibility that's your decision, but for my own experience of how horrible it was, I think of myself as quite selfish indeed for thinking about suicide. That doesn't make suicide the wrong choice, but I think it's something to consider before you decide.

I know. I understand you. I was mostly reffering to people i met, and people who told my dad and husband that suicide is wrong despite pain. No personal attack. Slightly sensitive subject wich made me burst a bit.

Pain can sometimes be too great to handle, wich makes some people ctb, and unfortunately we should learn to accept it.

Again, not a personal attack to you, but there will be people who disagree..

Im sorry that you're here too though.
Best of luck

 

[BridgeJumper]

Its always me being the bad person.
Just because I cant deal with the pain anymore? How dare I think about quitting a life that only causes me pain. Of course I should just keep existing, drinking myself into stupor under the bridge everyday, just because other people say so. Just because theyre precious, delicate jewels that dont want to get uncomfortable when something happens to me. Sweep everything under the rug.
My ex boyfriends suicide destroyed me. I spent a few months in a mental ward, unable to wash myself, unable to eat, crying till my eyes were red and dry. But I got an idea of what living in constant pain feels like, and I would never rob him of making that choice.

 

[Intheo]

Every single thing humans do is inherently selfish. It's a non-argument proposed by people who will do nothing to actually help.