Your thoughts after a failed suicide attempt?

[memento_mori]

I remember going huh when I woke up and found that I was alive. At first I was thinking that god kept me alive for a reason, and a speck of hope reignited, but then I'm back to my day to day activities and it's like this pointless mindless circle.
But then they say hell is like reliving the worst bits of your life over and over again. Who knows maybe I did pass and I'm continuing my mental suffering in this endless loop.

 

[Koal]

I'm still surprised at how it didn't affect me at all.

 

[Apostle]

I haven't attempted at all yet, since I just got a hold of a rope and need to start learning how and where to use it.
But I think I can predict my first thoughts if I do wake up after an attempt: "Shit, it didn't work, fuck, how long was I unconscious, shit, did my family get home, fuck, did they see evidence of my attempt, shit, I have to go put everything away, fuck, I'm in deep shit if they saw anything and I'm still alive."
Assuming I was still at home, undiscovered, and I wouldn't be too woozy or injured from the attempt, I'd scramble to get the rope and the suicide note back into hiding where they'd wait until the next try.

 

[Halo13]

After my attempts, I always thought "I'm such a failure I can't even kill myself right". I was usually in the hospital by then and didn't leave a note. It is embarrassing and disappointing.

 

[memento_mori]

After my attempts, I always thought "I'm such a failure I can't even kill myself right". I was usually in the hospital by then and didn't leave a note. It is embarrassing and disappointing.

how many times have you tried ctb?
that must have been traumatic

 

[Halo13]

how many times have you tried ctb?
that must have been traumatic

Wow, now there's a question. Here goes:

ODed on aspirin as a kid - stomach pumped
Slit wrists as a teen - stitches
Sat in a running car in a closed garage - got sick
3 serious prescription ODs - coma (found dead, resuscitated)
1 OD with exit bag - coma
More wrist slitting - more stitches nerve damage
3-4 impulsive OD attempts when drunk - more stomach pumping and charcoal
Chickened out trying to jump off a 13 story building
Waited for a train to come many times buy they were going too slow
Alcohol poisoning
Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door
I'm probably forgetting some others. I've been in psych wards for 3 years of my life.

 

[Jc40]

Wow, now there's a question. Here goes:

ODed on aspirin as a kid - stomach pumped
Slit wrists as a teen - stitches
Sat in a running car in a closed garage - got sick
3 serious prescription ODs - coma (found dead, resuscitated)
1 OD with exit bag - coma
More wrist slitting - more stitches nerve damage
3-4 impulsive OD attempts when drunk - more stomach pumping and charcoal
Chickened out trying to jump off a 13 story building
Waited for a train to come many times buy they were going too slow
Alcohol poisoning
Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door
I'm probably forgetting some others. I've been in psych wards for 3 years of my life.

Wow. Three years in psych wards must be hell. I've spent time in ones but 3 months was my longest stint.

I have got out of attempt by burning a rope, cutting away at rope around neck and when I get it off I've felt disappointment and why didn't I stick with it.
CO I was frustrated but I did call for help, I really didn't expect to wake up. I should of researched more.
I've felt disappointment and sadness. I've felt numb.
When I took a large amount of pills I regretted it and wanted to be alive. I was so sad about leaving my family.

 

[Halo13]

Wow. Three years in psych wards must be hell. I've spent time in ones but 3 months was my longest stint.

I have got out of attempt by burning a rope, cutting away at rope around neck and when I get it off I've felt disappointment and why didn't I stick with it.
CO I was frustrated but I did call for help, I really didn't expect to wake up. I should of researched more.
I've felt disappointment and sadness. I've felt numb.
When I took a large amount of pills I regretted it and wanted to be alive. I was so sad about leaving my family.

The food on the actual unit is pretty good, usually. Worst part was the mind numbing boredom. Gave me plenty of time to plan another attempt.

 

[memento_mori]

Wow, now there's a question. Here goes:

ODed on aspirin as a kid - stomach pumped
Slit wrists as a teen - stitches
Sat in a running car in a closed garage - got sick
3 serious prescription ODs - coma (found dead, resuscitated)
1 OD with exit bag - coma
More wrist slitting - more stitches nerve damage
3-4 impulsive OD attempts when drunk - more stomach pumping and charcoal
Chickened out trying to jump off a 13 story building
Waited for a train to come many times buy they were going too slow
Alcohol poisoning
Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door
I'm probably forgetting some others. I've been in psych wards for 3 years of my life.

wow that's some true dedication

 

[Halo13]

I keep trying to die and they won't let me

 

[Letmego. Please]

@Halo13
I think we could come up with a long old list between us, i lost count yrs ago after 20 mostly drunken impulsive suicide attempts, stopped drinking & got a lot more 'planny' but still here, all told probably spent 6yrs of my life sectioned & the food sucked lol

 

[Halo13]

@Halo13
I think we could come up with a long old list between us, i lost count yrs ago after 20 mostly drunken impulsive suicide attempts, stopped drinking & got a lot more 'planny' but still here, all told probably spent 6yrs of my life sectioned & the food sucked lol

I noticed the food got worse in more recent years. Used to be great 10-15 years ago. I remember a patient hiding burgers in his pillow case. He wasn't crazy, just really hungry from Seroquel lol you learn a lot about how to ctb from patients in there. After being locked up in there so long, not much shocks me anymore

Edit: one of the nurses knew me really well. When I was about 23, I asked to see my file. She said she'd just been looking through it and lost count of my admits after 20. Yikes.

 

[Letmego. Please]

The last unit i have had the pleasure of used to have vending machines in the lobby, not surprisingly they did a roaring trade late at night, then the miserable buggers decided we should all be healthy (this despite them sighing a cheap food contract from a company that applied care homes, i.e soft bland sludge) so all the machines were stripped of fizzy drinks, crisps & chocolate & replaced with flipping bags of nuts (no they didn't see the irony) bottles of water & dried fruit. Helpfully though they kept a massive selection of local takeaway menus....

Im not sure of your age but i first bumped into the inpatient world in 1992 & it has changed for the worse in every possible way.

Did you ever get into escaping? I developed a 'Coldiz' approach to being locked up, you catch me, i do a bunk, you want me in there but i don't want to be so why would i stay & be compliant...Got a bit of a bad rep over the yrs.

 

[spanishguy22]

Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door
I'm probably forgetting some others. I've been in psych wards for 3 years of my life.

and then some people say recoil doesnt matter with a shotgun... smh
thansk for that or i would be misinformed when attempting

 

[Halo13]

and then some people say recoil doesnt matter with a shotgun... smh
thansk for that or i would be misinformed when attempting

You're welcome. I was surprised how violently it jerked my hand back. A 357 or shotgun definitely pack a punch.

 

[Roger]

Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door

A handgun usually kicks upwards and to the right when fired, but the bullet should have left the barrel before there is any appreciable movement.

A target shooter would never hit the target otherwise.

If you are feeling weak, shaky or jittery, through fatigue, pain and/or fear you certainly get megawobbles before pulling the trigger. A suicidal headshot can fail to kill because the wrong target area is selected, but it must take quite an effort to completely miss your own head.

 

[Halo13]

A handgun usually kicks upwards and to the right when fired, but the bullet should have left the barrel before there is any appreciable movement.

A target shooter would never hit the target otherwise.

If you are feeling weak, shaky or jittery, through fatigue, pain and/or fear you certainly get megawobbles before pulling the trigger. A suicidal headshot can fail to kill because the wrong target area is selected, but it must take quite an effort to completely miss your own head.

Yes, indeed. I had taken benzos, booze and such prior but had been unable to sleep for a couple days. I was disoriented and shaking like a leaf. Was also sobbing pretty hard, saddened by the very concept of dying in such a messy way. The bullet went exactly as you described - grazed my temple/forehead and went up to the right, through my living room wall. Felt like an idiot immediately and still do retelling it.

 

[Misanthrope]

(This became a bit long but was cathartic for me.)

I remember feeling entirely devastated that I was conscious and the very first experience was awful levels of pain. I wanted to be free of pain not be in more of it. It had taken a lot of self-will and self grief to cross the line and fight down the feeling of wanting to throw up my intestines. I was also really confused with how had it gone wrong? To this day I still don't know how I survived. In my medical notes, it said I was found outside. How on earth did I get there?

I was also extremely angry to be detained. Because prior to my attempt I had rung the crisis team only to essentially be fobbed off. I remember laughing about it like a classic crazy person as depicted on every ridiculous film going that shows a laughing maniac before they attempt to burn the world down. Then crying as I packed up my flat with a certain song on repeat. Then carried it out in a numbed out state after I had shed every emotion going.

It is also intensely painful to be hurt further by the things that are meant to help. So when I woke up to these people wanting to now 'help.' I was past the point of caring. It felt like a smack in the face and an insult so I just raged. I did not really help myself much because I maintained that rage and got heavily medicated for it because I was intensely combative and took a chair to the door that led off the ward. Then spent my time brooding in that particular hospital thinking on how to escape. This past time helped by how truly boring it was in there. My plan came together by moving the dinner trolleys over to the fence. For some reason they left them outside behind the kitchen beneath an overhang. I exploited one of the shift changes when they do hand over and there are very few people out wandering the grounds. This was back in the day when you could smoke with impunity in the garden. I simply stacked the trolleys together and used them as a ladder, that health and safety would not approve of. Climbed onto the lip of the overhang, onto the kitchen roof then up onto the adjacent roof and climbed down the other side. It was pretty thrilling.

Then I caught a bus up to the lake I love. It was winter at that time and the snow was heavy so I swam into the lake hoping to die either from cold or drowning. There really wasn't any hesitation or emotion at that time. On reflection, I don't think I was rational. More felt like suffocating and the only way to breathe again was to die. However bizarre or ironic that sounds... It is actually really hard to force yourself to drown. Not sure how long I attempted it for. Then I was being shouted at by someone so forced myself under again tried breathing in water, that really hurt though and I went into full on panic. I don't think that is desperation you can consciously override. A sort of dizziness hit that felt like icy fingers had grabbed my skull and wanted to crush it.

Then I was grabbed by whoever was shouting before. He must have swum out into that cold and pulled me out. He called an ambulance. I kind of recovered after coughing up my lungs. He was kind and spoke to me a bit as we both froze on the path. He had a dog called Benji with really beautiful brown eyes that reminded me of my former dog before I gave her up due to mental health issues. Found myself talking to him about her. He asked why I was trying to die. I explained how everything felt like one step forward two steps back and that I was fed up with myself. Both of us eventually carted off by the paramedics in the end.

After that failed attempt I was more worried about Daniel and if he was okay as he had been exposed to the cold and wet because of me. I felt super guilty and that guilt ate at me. I also got a lecture about absconding from the unit. How they would now have to move me somewhere more secure. Worded in such a way that I was inconveniencing them. They were about as comforting as rolling around in barbed wire.

This other unit was an absolute shit hole. It does not surprise me it got shut down not too long after, for multiple failures across the board. I felt devastated again while there. The last place was a five-star hotel in comparison. They extended my section so I was there a damn long time. That is a lengthy story in of itself. My experiences there would carve a deep bitterness in me I have never lost. That experience partly laid the foundation for getting into advocacy later, as I never wanted anyone else, infantalised or treated that way.

The feeling of guilt and devastation worsened when my deluded idea that everyone would be better off was proven false. The close brush with death did a lot of damage to my loved ones. They put that across quite strongly. My own father has never really got over it, not even a good 15 or so years later. Still gets worried if I don't answer the phone or do a disappearing act. Not surprising really, my bipolar episodes have heaped a lot of stress on him over the years.

Now that I am suicidal again though, there is no line to cross. Instead, I feel like I am just waiting for the opportune time. Sadly I am going to be realising my father's fears and break my promise that he won't have to bury his only son.

I so wish there was an alternative but there really isn't one.

 

[toolateforme]

@Misanthrope your story makes me very sad. I can't imagine the amount of guilt you feel from how your parents felt after your past attempts, promising them that you would never do it again but eventually realizing you might have to break that very promise. And your treatment from the mental unit, treating you like an escaped prisoner rather than someone who really needed help... just what the fuck? The whole thing is so heartbreaking.

My first "real" attempt was last week. Attempted the night night method but after 2-3ish hours I realized my idiot self didn't even get the right kind of ratchet strap. I'm sure it didn't help that I hadn't practiced before, either. I kept trying different things -- two cornhole bags, then four, then two cornhole bags and two rolled up socks, then two bags and four socks... you get the idea. I could never pull it tight enough. Eventually I gave up after googling the method a few more times and realized from what I'd read that it'd be impossible considering I had the wrong freaking ratchet strap, other than the fact I probably should have ordered some gorilla tape and practiced before hand, too.

Then the moment after fully realizing I couldn't do it... during my entire attempt I had no emotions, I wasn't crying or anything, because I knew it was something I needed to do. If anything I just kept getting more frustrated the harder I'd attempt. But then after that all passed and I finally gave up and accepted it wouldn't be possible at the time, a crazy amount of helplessness, confusion, and sadness went over me. All my life I've been a failure and yet I can't even succeed at fucking killing myself? How can I be so stupid that it actually keeps me alive in this hellhole? Now I was crying, now I was freaking out. I was calling my friend and frantically repeating myself - "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do". I had already been scanning my environment and thinking about what else I had in my house to try and kill myself then, but there was literally NOTHING. Nothing strong enough to hold up my stupid body if I tried partial or full suspension. Don't know where my dad's gun was. I had pills I could OD on, but with the amount of time it would take for me to die, someone would have already found and rescued me. No buildings or cliff by me that are high enough to jump from. I was truly trapped.

I don't know if there's anybody in this world I would wish that on. At least now, since that attempt, I've learned how to do NN successfully. My next time should be my last, thankfully.

 

[color_me_gone]

All my life I've been a failure and yet I can't even succeed at fucking killing myself?

You are not being fair to yourself!
Contrary to popular belief, ctb is NOT easy.
We see that all the time with the numerous failures documented on this site.

 

[toolateforme]

You are not being fair to yourself!
Contrary to popular belief, ctb is NOT easy.
We see that all the time with the numerous failures documented on this site.

Honestly you're right. I really underestimated how hard it is to kill yourself. Although when it comes down to it we could do literally anything to try and do it, like attempting to drown ourselves or making ourselves jump into traffic, but a large part of us want to minimize the cost to others and/or keep the body intact.

 

[Halo13]

Honestly you're right. I really underestimated how hard it is to kill yourself.

It actually is. Think of it this way: you are committing murder...to yourself. I've failed many times.

 

[toolateforme]

It actually is. Think of it this way: you are committing murder...to yourself. I've failed many times.

Yeah that's literally what it is. Weird, I've thought of that before, but never really taken into account that I've been trying to murder someone and minimize their suffering in the process.

 

[color_me_gone]

I really underestimated how hard it is to kill yourself.

It actually is.

Dying is made to look so easy on TV and in the movies.
But that stuff is never IRL, so we misinterpret how easy it is to die.

Makes me chuckle when newbie comes on with a post:
Ok, I wanna die, tell me what to do, and BTW, it needs to be 100% effective, painless, low cost and quick.

 

[toolateforme]

Dying is made to look so easy on TV and in the movies.
But that stuff is never IRL, so we misinterpret how easy it is to die.

Makes me chuckle when newbie comes on with a post:
Ok, I wanna die, tell me what to do, and BTW, it needs to be 100% effective, painless, low cost and quick.

Hahaha yeah, usually I help them out but sometimes it annoys me a bit because it shows they haven't bothered to read any threads or search for anything. Although considering they're in this place they're probably also very desperate and impulsively made a thread thinking they don't have time to read through any methods or something. I don't know.

 

[memento_mori]

Wow, now there's a question. Here goes:

ODed on aspirin as a kid - stomach pumped
Slit wrists as a teen - stitches
Sat in a running car in a closed garage - got sick
3 serious prescription ODs - coma (found dead, resuscitated)
1 OD with exit bag - coma
More wrist slitting - more stitches nerve damage
3-4 impulsive OD attempts when drunk - more stomach pumping and charcoal
Chickened out trying to jump off a 13 story building
Waited for a train to come many times buy they were going too slow
Alcohol poisoning
Held a gun to my head but it jerked my wrist from the kick back (.357 revolver) and the bullet went through a wall - police broke down my door
I'm probably forgetting some others. I've been in psych wards for 3 years of my life.

you know I always thought CO in a car or burning charcoal was one of those sure proof ways to die

 

[Halo13]

you know I always thought CO in a car or burning charcoal was one of those sure proof ways to die

It was in an older model car and I was in an enclosed garage. It was actually really peaceful and felt nice, like being high. I remember thinking how comfortable I was and sleepy then my head hitting the steering wheel. Woke up to one of my family members slapping me. I said I didn't know, was just listening to the radio. I'd definitely rate it up there with peaceful and calm ctb.

 

[JadedGray]

I was confused and wasn't even sure I was alive, since all I could make out were the sounds of all the medical equipment in the hospital room I was in and the whole room was white and had florescent lighting, so I thought I had crossed over into some sort of afterlife. Once I fully regained consciousness, I was disappointed/angry that I was still here and embarrassed/sad that I failed.