TheFool
Member
- Oct 19, 2018
- 83
Some stupid cute girl I was in love with told me I wasn't "self-motivated". And I'm still in love with her.
worldexploder
Visionary
- Sep 19, 2018
- 2,821
Damn. Sounds a lot like me when I read your post. My heart bleeds for you. None of what happened was your fault. There was evidence that my own mother molested me due to what I said after I came back home from Indiana at the age of 3. She kidnapped me for six months. I don't remember being sexually abused in any way shape or form...I only found this shit out when I was 16. My dad called the child abuse hotline. They apparently did an investigation and concluded that I probably walked into some "prom". My grandma told a different story...said in sharp detail that I said "my mama has a bean and boy did it stink then I jumped right on it". Who knows what the fuck really happened.
I’vehadenough
Elementalist
- Sep 15, 2018
- 847
How old are you? If you aged 50 years overnight and your face looked weird, would that put you over the edge?
Into The Wild
Member
- Oct 7, 2018
- 35
My girlfriend of 2-3 years left me after my anxiety & depression got worse. I've struggled with rejection & depression from early age. But I know in my heart that she was & still is the one I should have been with. I cannot be with anyone else. Now she is already with someone else after only 1-2 months since we split. I cannot take knowing that. I cannot sleep knowing what they might be doing at night. None of my friends really talk to me anymore and I'm burdening my parents and family with my depression. I am in a hole so so deep that I can only see one exit. I also do not want to risk even getting better because I could not take another woman I love leaving or more rejection. I am so trying to stand on my own two feet and not need anyone, but in the end I don't know if I am strong enough. I just hope I am strong enough to CTB at some point. Working up courage & strength is going to be such hard work though...
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AceOfSpadesCTB
Member
- Oct 9, 2018
- 34
Burying myself in massive debt because I thought I could buy myself some lasting peace and happiness, then losing my job because I wasn't able to keep my head together. Now, I'm getting out this month because I don't want to fight through this just to live in a life that I resent.
throwaway777
一人、部屋で、独り。
- Oct 3, 2018
- 641
naia_
Student
- Oct 11, 2018
- 132
In short words, not fitting anywhere. Well, I feel people understand here, though. Maybe, the saddest persons really are the kindest, and we can understand each other and don't want the same things to happen to others. But I think you get my point (when I say 'not fitting anywhere').
I don't think life is about being strong or weak, but seems to be the case that nature itself works like this. I'd just like a place where we can all be ourselves... without dealing, or recieving, any sort of damage. A place where we can all be together... a place of love, if you want to call it that way. Everyone with their own places, but with everyone still being one and the same. Some people think that a world where we are all the same would be too 'boring', but 'a world with everyone being the same' isn't exactly what I mean. Just a place where you can be yourself but still believe in the same things as everyone else. A place where you don't fear that someone may live for something else than you do... a place where everyone aims for the same world and where everyone can understand each other. A place where you don't feel alone, because you are not living for your own nightmares or for your own view on life... you are living for others, and others are living for you. And yet everyone has its own place in that world. I've thought a lot about it, and it sounds impossible, but it could actually work, if the nature of the Universe was different... although, the Universe is so complex. that it's hard to know...
It is this reality that prevents me from living. I'm tired of living in a world where everyone is on its own. But since that has more to do with the nature of things... I doubt it'll ever change. And in any case, the people that are here now in this current world, they would disappear, so the new world is created. In the end, it sounds like everything's still a construction of things, where nothing has true meaning. Rather, everything is just created in regards to laws. With things merely depending on 'who' manipulates such laws. Everything that was created before gets lost and as such, doesn't have any true meaning. It starts... and it ends. It disappears.
I'm not sure that was clear, but I know it's pretty confusing and I think about it a lot.
I may be very weak and naive, but I wonder... is it really wrong? Who's wrong really? Really makes me think that the people supposedly 'sane' are the ones sick.
I don't think life is about being strong or weak, but seems to be the case that nature itself works like this. I'd just like a place where we can all be ourselves... without dealing, or recieving, any sort of damage. A place where we can all be together... a place of love, if you want to call it that way. Everyone with their own places, but with everyone still being one and the same. Some people think that a world where we are all the same would be too 'boring', but 'a world with everyone being the same' isn't exactly what I mean. Just a place where you can be yourself but still believe in the same things as everyone else. A place where you don't fear that someone may live for something else than you do... a place where everyone aims for the same world and where everyone can understand each other. A place where you don't feel alone, because you are not living for your own nightmares or for your own view on life... you are living for others, and others are living for you. And yet everyone has its own place in that world. I've thought a lot about it, and it sounds impossible, but it could actually work, if the nature of the Universe was different... although, the Universe is so complex. that it's hard to know...
It is this reality that prevents me from living. I'm tired of living in a world where everyone is on its own. But since that has more to do with the nature of things... I doubt it'll ever change. And in any case, the people that are here now in this current world, they would disappear, so the new world is created. In the end, it sounds like everything's still a construction of things, where nothing has true meaning. Rather, everything is just created in regards to laws. With things merely depending on 'who' manipulates such laws. Everything that was created before gets lost and as such, doesn't have any true meaning. It starts... and it ends. It disappears.
I'm not sure that was clear, but I know it's pretty confusing and I think about it a lot.
I may be very weak and naive, but I wonder... is it really wrong? Who's wrong really? Really makes me think that the people supposedly 'sane' are the ones sick.
NumbItAll
expendable
- May 20, 2018
- 1,094
- a decade of severe depression/anxiety
- no real job or prospects
- nothing fulfilling in life
- no friends
- still not over a girl from 10 years ago :(
- so, so, so lonely
- overall disgusted with humanity/life
Ever notice how isolated, lonely, many of us are? I don't think this was always this bad decades ago.
NumbItAll
expendable
- May 20, 2018
- 1,094
It does seem to be an increasing problem and I've seen lots of articles/commentary on it. I've always been a huge loner though.
Can relate to everything but the girl part.
I never had a gf due to my crippling social anxiety.
Yeah but at least we have the internet to connect with eachother, as we are in the same situation.
Right, still leaves us vulnerable because it's not the same as face to face but it does help.
NumbItAll
expendable
- May 20, 2018
- 1,094
I got lucky but even then it was too good to be true and I got jerked around. I haven't been in any other "relationships" since then or even made a friend. Idk how people ever form connections. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like part of my problem is like this guy says in this book he wrote called Tribe. It's by a guy named Sebastian Junger. He brings up that many people depressed because we are not working for our survival everyday and needed by the group. We weren't meant to exist separate from a tribe of 30 or 40 people and being fully dependent on each other being social and involved in stuff that is necessary for daily survival. People in past walked at least 2 hours a day lol!
Made4TV
A hopeless hope junkie
- Sep 17, 2018
- 574
If I had the money to afford the therapy I need i don't think I would ctb right now probably. My doctor and therapist think there is a lot of hope for eventual better functioning and life. Until that point I can't work much though and am slowly sinking deeper into debt and despair. Soon I think there will be no way to turn it all around.
Yea lately I'm thinking again about taking steps to suicide because of similar issues. I don't want to ctb but I don't want to continue the daily treadmill of my meaningless existence.
project77
Member
- Sep 22, 2018
- 20
In large parts an equal analysis of the human psyche. If you dont fit in or dont want to the current tribe, called modern society you
are left with existence, not life. Im sure it will get better with technological progress. I think suffering is a problem that is solvable. But for now its constant emotional pain that hurts but doesnt kill you. Adapt, be brave enough to end it or suffer.
Into The Wild
Member
- Oct 7, 2018
- 35
I really feel that the underlined one will be me if I am doomed to live another 10 years. I just hope it isn't as much as I hope that one day you will wake up and not think about her. No-one deserves that torment. I've done 6 months of it and I can barely take it. I'm sorry friend.
NumbItAll
expendable
- May 20, 2018
- 1,094
Thanks and same to you. I think it would be a lot easier if there were other things to fill the void, but unfortunately everything sucks.
Into The Wild
Member
- Oct 7, 2018
- 35
Yeah I game mostly when not at work as it keeps my mind vaguely occupied. I also write if I can. Drink helps sometimes until the next morning.
DetachedDreamer97
Enlightened
- Mar 17, 2018
- 1,402
Sayo
Not 2B
- Aug 22, 2018
- 520
I'm so sorry your mom betrayed you in that terrible way. And the terribleness of that uncertainty, and just being hit again full force with the after effects right as you were supposed to hit adulthood. I spent a long time once I reached adulthood asking people if the things I remember about my childhood are real, they mostly seem to be but sometimes can't be corroborated and people convinced me I was delusional so I don't always fully trust myself. Unfortunately the people around me are traumatised and don't remember things well either.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
Disgust for my mediocrity.
A lot of people have discussed physical abuse. Honestly, I prefer the early childhood days when mistakes would be punished by my dad beating me. He's had his violent streaks, but I'm not exactly in a position to judge that. It's a thousand times more preferable than my mom constantly berating me and passive-aggressively trying to make me feel shitty about myself because I ruined her chances at a career. Having some academic ability hasn't helped, since she's always comparing me to other people (while denying that she does that) and presenting me like a trophy to family and friends to make herself look better.
But then again, maybe she's justified in doing so. I did ruin her chance at a career, and I haven't exactly been worth the investment. I'm a shitty person after all.
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