Your opinions please

[TryingToUnderstand]

Hi everyone, new here so please bare with me! I may be posting in the wrong area and don't want to cause any offence, rather understanding to a personal situation.

A couple of years ago my grandfather committed suicide by partial hanging, at his family home which he shared with my grandmother. There had been no indication of his intentions to end his life.. always had anxiety but seemed to unfortunately hide this well, however my grandmother asked him to seek help which he refused. He played his anxiety down but was a worrier none the less.
Leading up to his death he seemed his usual quirky self, and even prepared his morning medication and vitamins for the day after.
I've since been told he had a horrendous sleeping pattern where he would sleep for only a couple of hours a night, for many years, which he didn't seek help for.

Goodness, I am sorry for going on.. however my main struggle is how he didn't leave a suicide note, and I have come here to ask if anyone with personal experience could give me some insight into why he didn't choose to leave one? What are your personal thoughts on leaving one? I know its not possible to get answers online from strangers about my grandads situation, and of course i know leaving one wouldn't change the outcome, however I feel it would have helped give me answers rather than spend my life wondering how he felt. I dont mean that to sound selfish, how I feel doesn't amount to my grandads pain.

I have nothing but respect for my grandfather he had a (very well hidden) battle with dark thoughts, I just wish he sought help. As a mother of two sons, and with a father who suffers with anxiety and depression - as do I - i feel my grandfathers death has taught me some valuable lessons.

Sorry for the lengthy post, as I say I'm new here I would just love some opinions regarding suicide notes and no indications of an impending suicide.

Thank you so much
Just to add - my partner has just blown my mind with a 'Theory' that my grandfather may have often partially suspended himself in order to alleviate his insomnia, and it went horribly wrong. Goodness, is this a thing that would be possible, in order to make himself drowsy ? Or is my partner speculating far too much?!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm sorry for your loss. No worries about the lengthy post. I can't speak to why he chose that path without any warning but I can offer my thoughts on why I want to CTB.

I have a lot of anxiety as well. I also try to hide it. I don't really know how well that works. For me I try to do the things I would normally do as well so not to raise any red flags. I think because suicide is so taboo to talk about even though it's 2020 or 2018 is his case is part of the reason he couldn't or wouldn't say he wanted to die. I also sometimes only get a few hours of sleep a night. (Some nights are better)

I also think that if someone really wants to die, they don't want to say anything so they won't be stopped or face being locked away. I would be afraid someone would always be looking over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't going to try to CTB.

I have written and re-written a few suicide notes. Perhaps your grandfather didn't want a note to be found beforehand ? I don't know how much free time he had to himself. Perhaps the pain became to unbearable... there are other methods that I think require more planning. Not that hanging doesn't require some planning. Some other methods require ordering "Supplies" before CTB.

So I guess I did offer a few opinions on why your grandfather chose to end his life. It's honestly difficult to know what people are really thinking.

 

[TryingToUnderstand]

I'm sorry for your loss. No worries about the lengthy post. I can't speak to why he chose that path without any warning but I can offer my thoughts on why I want to CTB.

I have a lot of anxiety as well. I also try to hide it. I don't really know how well that works. For me I try to do the things I would normally do as well so not to raise any red flags. I think because suicide is so taboo to talk about even though it's 2020 or 2018 is his case is part of the reason he couldn't or wouldn't say he wanted to die. I also sometimes only get a few hours of sleep a night. (Some nights are better)

I also think that if someone really wants to die, they don't want to say anything so they won't be stopped or face being locked away. I would be afraid someone would always be looking over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't going to try to CTB.

I have written and re-written a few suicide notes. Perhaps your grandfather didn't want a note to be found beforehand ? I don't know how much free time he had to himself. Perhaps the pain became to unbearable... there are other methods that I think require more planning. Not that hanging doesn't require some planning. Some other methods require ordering "Supplies" before CTB.

So I guess I did offer a few opinions on why your grandfather chose to end his life. It's honestly difficult to know what people are really thinking.

Honestly, thank you so much for your valuable input. I truly appreciate your words, and I'm so sorry about your anxiety battle. I wish I could take all your problems away for you. Please take care.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I have no interest in leaving a note. My life doesn't have an awful lot of substance to it; I'm 18 going through college and am really just killing myself because of a whole bunch of emotional issues I can't control. I don't have an awful lot to say about my death, and I don't think many people would care to hear my reasons. In your grandfather's case, assuming his death wasn't accidental, perhaps he also just didn't have a lot to say. If you reason for dying is your feelings without real world sources it can be hard to articulate that to other people.

 

[strawberryfield]

there's a lot of different reasons why he might've not left a note. maybe he felt embarrassed expressing how he felt on paper? he might've done it impulsively or maybe it never entered his mind that he should leave a note or maybe like cryptic__egg said: he might have not had a lot to say about it.
i'm so sorry this happened to you and i hope you're doing okay <3

 

[nerve]

You're totally okay, don't worry about posting in the wrong place or going on too long

Sleep deprivation can make a person do crazy things. But beyond that, I think with older generations, men especially, there's very often that "stiff upper lip" mentality that stops them from getting help. The last thing I want to do is put words in your grandfather's mouth or anything, but I wonder if that had anything to do with his choice to not leave a note. Not wanting to be seen as a whiner or crybaby or anything.

I don't have much as far as words of comfort, but in as horrible a situation as this, I'm really glad you've been able to learn from it

 

[TryingToUnderstand]

I have no interest in leaving a note. My life doesn't have an awful lot of substance to it; I'm 18 going through college and am really just killing myself because of a whole bunch of emotional issues I can't control. I don't have an awful lot to say about my death, and I don't think many people would care to hear my reasons. In your grandfather's case, assuming his death wasn't accidental, perhaps he also just didn't have a lot to say. If you reason for dying is your feelings without real world sources it can be hard to articulate that to other people.

Thank you for your opinion, you are so young and going through so much pain, I'm so sorry.

there's a lot of different reasons why he might've not left a note. maybe he felt embarrassed expressing how he felt on paper? he might've done it impulsively or maybe it never entered his mind that he should leave a note or maybe like cryptic__egg said: he might have not had a lot to say about it.
i'm so sorry this happened to you and i hope you're doing okay <3

Absolutely yes I didn't think about the embarrassment aspect, what a great response.. and thank you so much I have my ups and downs but I'm getting there. I have two little crazy boys so they keep me very busy! Thanks again

You're totally okay, don't worry about posting in the wrong place or going on too long

Sleep deprivation can make a person do crazy things. But beyond that, I think with older generations, men especially, there's very often that "stiff upper lip" mentality that stops them from getting help. The last thing I want to do is put words in your grandfather's mouth or anything, but I wonder if that had anything to do with his choice to not leave a note. Not wanting to be seen as a whiner or crybaby or anything.

I don't have much as far as words of comfort, but in as horrible a situation as this, I'm really glad you've been able to learn from it

Hi, thank you for such a warm and helpful reply. Absolutely yes the lessons I have learnt are invaluable particularly as I have two little sons. I have to say I completely agree with the stiff upper lip mentality. It's unfortunately something that is very common and as you say in particular with older generations. I'm finding a lot of comfort in the opinions of others, on this site, especially those who share the same struggles. What a wonderful supportive community. Thank you for the compassion you have shown and I wish you nothing but the best

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Many people don't leave notes, and it's difficult for the ones who cared about them to try to make sense of why they made that choice. It's interesting that you try to make sense of why he made the choice to not leave a note.

He could have been planning it for a long time. He may have even attempted in the past without anyone being aware. Personally I think it's a stretch that he was using it for a sleep aid. I'll be frank, I know it was your grandfather, but this has probably already been speculated -- if it were an accident, it was more likely for pleasure. There would have been evidence of that unless whoever discovered him protected his dignity as well as their own.

Some people just give up on writing a note, whether they think they won't be heard, or don't know how to get across what they want to say, or can't even figure out what they want to say.

I'd consider if he was one to keep things private. If he was someone who tended to comfort others or not. If he felt heard and cared about, or if he was often negated.

I had a boyfriend in high school commit suicide seemingly out of the blue. No one expected it. Things were going incredibly well for him in many areas of his life. We'd been dating a couple weeks and were madly in young love. It was discovered that he'd been on a hunting trip with friends months before and had held back a shell (the friend's father was in law enforcement and had access to the evidence, and he worked with my dad who was in homicide, so there wasn't much I didn't know that could be known). He did not leave a note, but something had to have been bad in his life for him to plan it and to follow through. I never deeply wondered before why he didn't leave a note. I can only think that he wouldn't have felt heard, or that he was protective of the motivating reason, such as having been abused. I never understood why he didn't leave a note to me when we wrote each other notes constantly. Maybe escape was so compelling it outweighed all other considerations.

I hope you get some peace with the the not knowing. It's difficult.

 

[Sinai Silence]

Welcome to SS Understand!

Don't worry too much about posting to the wrong place there's the rules & info tab, there's also the tickets tab if you want to ask the admins anything about the relevant fields :)

As for your question its a difficult one to answer, everyone will feel differently about leaving notes when they ctb. For me personally I have written several notes and never felt they were substantial to answer every question that will be asked. I don't think writing a novel would suffice either. I would never know how to satisfy a person with the right answers. The harsh reality is that to be in his shoes you'd have to walk a thousand miles in them. You're not selfish for feeling the way you do, its just hard to put thoughts and feelings into words.

Nearly three years ago now my childhood friend and neighbor hung himself. I would go round to their house most days to get away from my parents or if they weren't home, it was my safe space as a child. He was always full of energy and seemed happy; no one was the wiser to what he was feeling. He didn't leave any notes for anyone. But his family grew from the experience and found some of the answers for themselves. His little brother has especially grown and he lives everyday in his memory.

Although there is nothing to replace his absence I'm glad to hear you have at least grown as a person from the event and don't hold resentment with the pain, other people couldn't do the same. You sound like a very kind soul and must have learnt a lot from him in life too. I hope you tell those little boys of yours what a great person he was. Sending hugs your way

 

[TryingToUnderstand]

z

Many people don't leave notes, and it's difficult for the ones who cared about them to try to make sense of why they made that choice. It's interesting that you try to make sense of why he made the choice to not leave a note.

He could have been planning it for a long time. He may have even attempted in the past without anyone being aware. Personally I think it's a stretch that he was using it for a sleep aid. I'll be frank, I know it was your grandfather, but this has probably already been speculated -- if it were an accident, it was more likely for pleasure. There would have been evidence of that unless whoever discovered him protected his dignity as well as their own.

Some people just give up on writing a note, whether they think they won't be heard, or don't know how to get across what they want to say, or can't even figure out what they want to say.

I'd consider if he was one to keep things private. If he was someone who tended to comfort others or not. If he felt heard and cared about, or if he was often negated.

I had a boyfriend in high school commit suicide seemingly out of the blue. No one expected it. Things were going incredibly well for him in many areas of his life. We'd been dating a couple weeks and were madly in young love. It was discovered that he'd been on a hunting trip with friends months before and had held back a shell (the friend's father was in law enforcement and had access to the evidence, and he worked with my dad who was in homicide, so there wasn't much I didn't know that could be known). He did not leave a note, but something had to have been bad in his life for him to plan it and to follow through. I never deeply wondered before why he didn't leave a note. I can only think that he wouldn't have felt heard, or that he was protective of the motivating reason, such as having been abused. I never understood why he didn't leave a note to me when we wrote each other notes constantly. Maybe escape was so compelling it outweighed all other considerations.

I hope you get some peace with the the not knowing. It's difficult.

Thank you for your powerful response, First off thank you for sharing the story of your high school sweetheart. That is utterly saddening and a prime example of how you can never really know a persons intentions. I'm so sorry.
With my grandfather you're right we did speculate whether it was a pleasure thing, and I have to admit I'd have found that easier to live with knowing he was doing something for pleasure rather than because of pain if that makes sense.
It's as you say the not knowing that's the tricky one. Do take care and thanks again

Welcome to SS Understand!

Don't worry too much about posting to the wrong place there's the rules & info tab, there's also the tickets tab if you want to ask the admins anything about the relevant fields :)

As for your question its a difficult one to answer, everyone will feel differently about leaving notes when they ctb. For me personally I have written several notes and never felt they were substantial to answer every question that will be asked. I don't think writing a novel would suffice either. I would never know how to satisfy a person with the right answers. The harsh reality is that to be in his shoes you'd have to walk a thousand miles in them. You're not selfish for feeling the way you do, its just hard to put thoughts and feelings into words.

Nearly three years ago now my childhood friend and neighbor hung himself. I would go round to their house most days to get away from my parents or if they weren't home, it was my safe space as a child. He was always full of energy and seemed happy; no one was the wiser to what he was feeling. He didn't leave any notes for anyone. But his family grew from the experience and found some of the answers for themselves. His little brother has especially grown and he lives everyday in his memory.

Although there is nothing to replace his absence I'm glad to hear you have at least grown as a person from the event and don't hold resentment with the pain, other people couldn't do the same. You sound like a very kind soul and must have learnt a lot from him in life too. I hope you tell those little boys of yours what a great person he was. Sending hugs your way

Thank you so very much, honestly. What an eye opening thread this has turned out to be for me, made easier by warm people such as yourself. I'm incredibly sorry to hear that about your friend, he sounds like he was such a staple throughout your childhood, and his little brother sounds amazing too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me see things differently and for your lovely kind words, I'm sure your friend would be so proud of the impact your compassion is having on others. Please take care and thanks again