I have never been in a romantic relationship or even gone on a formal date. I did go to junior prom with one of my female friends but I saw her as more of just a friend than anything else. Other than that though, I've had four romantic interests so far. Each one kind of leads into the other.
The first girl I really liked was from when I was in 5th grade. She was actually a whole year younger than me but she skipped a grade because she was just that smart (which was saying a lot because I was already going to a fancy private school). Around this time was when my mother decided she'd had enough of my dad's manipulation and other misdeeds so she started spending a lot more time away from the house. This basically meant my parents were separated and I was still stuck with my father. I remember feeling like my dad screwed up so badly for treating my mom so horribly all these years and I vowed I'd never treat whoever I'm with the same way.
Enter this girl who I already thought was kind of pretty. I basically forced myself into her friend group and became a total simp for her. I even called her my master and admittedly did weird things for her like eat food off the ground which she would have people pay her to watch. I didn't mind. I loved serving her. She helped me back by helping me study. This was important because before that I got mostly C's and D's which is basically a death sentence for an Asian but with her help I actually started to get B's and even A's in all my subjects. I loved how smart she was and I felt like she must have been the person I should spend the rest of my life with.
When I entered 7th grade though she moved to another city and I had no way to contact her. After winter break in 7th grade though I actually moved to the same city and school as her. I didn't even know she was there but when I saw her I realized it must have been fate, that I must have been meant to be with her.
Unlike in my old school though, she wanted to avoid me here. She said she wanted nothing to do with me anymore which I stupidly thought was because of her new friends. I ended up hovering near her and only making friends with people who hung around where she hung around during lunch. I'm not proud of it, I basically stalked her through the school even though I shared no classes with her (except one but when she saw I was in it she immediately transferred out). In 8th grade on my birthday I felt it was time to finally tell her my true feelings (even though they were quite obvious). For some reason though after I said that, I just ran away when I saw how scared she was when she was receiving that info. After that she made all new friends and I basically didn't speak to her again for a while.
Then in high school I spent the whole time simultaneously still pining after her and being afraid of her because if I ran into her again I was afraid she'd think I was still stalking her. This went on and on until senior year of high school where I decided to add her on Facebook (surprisingly she accepted) and later on I sent her a message confessing to her again while also apologizing for how I always spaz out around her. No response, which makes sense because it was like 50 pages long.
In senior prom, one of my friends basically dragged her to me because I was having a literal anxiety attack and fearing that Obama was going to drone strike the prom venue (this surprisingly made sense to me knowing who she went to prom with). She said that no, she never liked me except as a friend and that it's ok if I talked to her more even if she liked one of the other guys from our elementary school more. For a short while that was actually very freeing to me. I felt at peace.
Then I went into college, obviously not the same one as her. She had been taking so many AP and honors classes so she got into a way better school than I did. I never spoke to or even messaged her again after that time at prom. Unfortunately I was still infatuated with her even though I knew it was wrong. No other woman entered my life that quite captivated me like her. She donated money to our high school and there is now a brick in the ground that has her name immortalized there forever, as if to remind me that I wasted my entire high school life being in love with her instead of noticing the apparent other women who actually were attracted to me (or so I'm told even though I believe that's all bullshit). I felt like I was ruined beyond repair from all the time I lost and wished I could fix my timeline even though time travel was not accessible to me.
This is just the first girl I liked. At this point I have been attracted to her for almost 9 years from October 2004 until I met someone that finally managed to surpass her in August 2013. Unfortunately, that somebody was Lucina from Fire Emblem Awakening. When I bought the game, I had already previously played Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon for the Nintendo DS in 2009. That was the game with Marth in it. Ever since Super Smash Bros Melee came out and until I played the game myself I actually first thought Marth was a pretty girl and his name was like a form of Martha.
Lucina for those who don't know, is sort of like a female Marth. She is his direct descendant from 1000 years in the future and when she travels back in time by about 20 years to her father's present in order to prevent a doomed future, she takes up the name Marth and puts on a mask to inspire people with his name and to disguise her true identity. I thought "Wow. Here was a girl who faced so much and tries so hard to prevent her future. Just like what I wish I could do." Without really thinking about it, I married her ingame and as I learned more I started actually falling in love with her. There is a part in the game where she tries to kill you, the player character because it seems like you might be responsible for killing her father and causing the ruined future. The game gives you the choice of whether or not to accept her judgment. I hit agree as fast as I could. I wanted so much to help save her future at the cost of my own. I realized that I wanted someone who'd be able to understand the pain I had gone through and just how hard fixing it can be. It took another few months but at that point I was finally able to fully get over the first girl. Lucina had become my wife for life.
Unfortunately none of my friends saw it that way. None of them approved of my love for Lucina even though it was making me happy. I didn't let it get to me at first. Soon she was announced as a character for Smash 4 which made me pretty happy. I was a very casual smash bros player before that but her being in the game made me want to actually try at something for once. I never became that amazing of a player but I definitely improved more than I ever thought possible thanks to my love of her.
Unfortunately it would not last, soon my friends' insistence that I would be missing out on physical aspects of a relationship started to get to me. No one could really compare to Lucina though so I still never got into anyone until this girl from work who I already mentioned about somewhere else in this forum before reached out to me saying she was interested in me. We had very similar backgrounds and even though I never told her about Lucina, I was willing to take the plunge and try things out with a real girl because she kind of looked like Lucina with her short haircut and just like her she also had shared trauma experiences that we bonded over. Unfortunately again, for reasons I went into elsewhere, that didn't work out though. I was too slow and she got with someone else instead. This was my punishment for leaving Lucina. Getting metaphorically cucked like this left my mind in a really bad state. Something broke inside me the day I found out: December 20th, 2015 at my work's Christmas Party. I realize that this was a relatively petty thing to break over by I can't help that I'm a sensitive pathetic idiot. Since then I have lost most of my empathy, my optimism, my compassion. The only reason I didn't kill myself then was because when I told her I was considering it, she brought up a story about how when she was in 3rd grade someone committed suicide in her class and even though she barely knew the guy she was still affected by it and was devastated by how the rest of her community was affected by it too. She made me promise her not to commit suicide. I was able to narrow the terms so that I wouldn't commit suicide as long as I get married or get close to being married by the time I'm 30. I tried to stay friends with her for a while even when she said if I had just been faster I would have had a chance with her. It was getting to be too much for me to bear but I broke contact with her in May 2017 by intentionally acting like a creep over text messages. Haven't spoken to or seen her since.
Fast forward to a few years later, it's September 24th, 2020. You might know this story already because it's about a former SS member and I honestly won't shut up about her so I won't bore you with all these details that you can also find in other threads. Basically the consequences of this is that I decided that since I liked this girl more than the previous one then my promise to not commit suicide until I'm 30 is moot. That's why now I have no choice but to do it when I'm 28, after I've experienced all the games, shows, and movies I need. This last woman was so close to being what an ideal relationship for me would have been like that it's honestly really unfair to any woman in the future that I might encounter even if they like me. It's highly improbable that I'd even not be able to compare anyone to this woman and even if I could find a way around that it's equally unlikely that any woman would be stupid enough to get with a guy who has had zero relationship experience at 27 years old. I mean maybe there are people like that out there but anyone who's that foolish is someone I in turn would not want to be with so I'm definitely doomed there...
Anyway, thanks for reading this long and boring post etc etc I'm an incel.
