Discussion Your activity on this forum?

[Littlewittlelight]

It's just been like a week or so since I joined and I have been too active I tried not to be in past two days but I keep coming back and when I do I scroll up to look at the names of people who are on. There are some people I see active like me. I was thinking it is getting worse for me or us or you guys. What's your reason for being so active lately if you want to share? I am looking at different threads and relating or finding information then sharing things or connecting with people sometimes. I am thinking it is becoming my new routine now and I don't like it but I only feel a lil peaceful as long as this is open. I have tried music, games and that worked but now I just want to be here. Is it only me or anyone else can relate?

 

[jodes2]

I can relate. I don't really get enjoyment out of TV or gaming or social media which just leaves this place. I'm desperate to fill my time with anything, it's hard to bare

 

[notlongnow]

Since being incarcerated in this bloody mental asylum my activity must have shot through the roof. Desperately seeking sources for the goods that will rid me of this shithouse existence.

 

[Mofreeko]

It's really great being able to talk to people who get it. Here I can discuss methods, bitch about life and how I wish I was dead and no one will try to "save" me. My mind is made up and the people here respect that. It's also nice to comb through threads from years ago and read threads of people who have ctb and what methods they used.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

That's what I happening I played a game today after a whole week like I was a gaming addict who doesn't even do that anymore. I have control on so many of my desires but anger and numbness just get the best of me. I can now be bummed out with any human I won't be with you guys because we are not related. Sorry but I now have a habit of pushing people who love me away to test their limits which is ugly but I too seek anything that just makes me think because my brain is getting slow. Does anyone do something like that push and pull someone ? That's been my habit for years but it has got worse in past two years. Do you know what it is? If I just seek attention this way and I also feel like they are trying to harm me they aren't good for me when someone gets too close to me or I feel they know too much about me it's not safe. I am so weird or I just lose interest. I am trying to open up here it all sucks I can't understand my behaviour. I am lonely but I push people away and then follow them like a puppy when they are gone. I don't want to do it but I have lost control sometimes. I am trying to work on it really. Please can anyone give any tips or tel what's that?

 

[emgrl]

I think it always shows me as "online", I never logout… I just don't even think about it, it's always on in the background. Maybe the same for others?

 

[bed]

Only place i feel understood. I can't do much else that i used to enjoy because of chronic pain and anhedonia. I am on disability so my free time is basically unlimited besides frequent appointments.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

It's really great being able to talk to people who get it. Here I can discuss methods, bitch about life and how I wish I was dead and no one will try to "save" me. My mind is made up and the people here respect that. It's also nice to comb through threads from years ago and read threads of people who have ctb and what methods they used.

Yes that's what I am doing I think atleast these people really don't just fake emotions or anything and I read a lot of old threads too.

 

[Topacio]

I feel like this place is... safe. Totally oblivious to all the crap that's on other networks. No one knows who you are, no one knows you, and yet they listen and help as much as possible.

Maybe it's because of the pain we've been through, that creates a feeling of understanding between everyone.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

Only place i feel understood. I can't do much else that i used to enjoy because of chronic pain and anhedonia.

I feel I got this problem called anhedonia but I didn't know it existed. Do you sometimes feel angry because you can't feel anything not even pleasure? I feel like doing anything just so I could feel something

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I've only been here a few days and just prefer it here to other places online. Before this I was on reddit a lot, and people there are real insufferable cunts. I feel like I can be open here in a way that I can't in other places without people pouring out fake sympathy or just not understanding.

I dont know how long it'll be before I ctb, probably going to be a few weeks to a couple of months, but I plan on sticking around here for a bit and making some friends before I go.

Also: big boomer energy but being on an actual old school forum / not discord or other social media gives me good nostalgia for the older days of the Internet.

 

[bed]

I feel I got this problem called anhedonia but I didn't know it existed. Do you sometimes feel angry because you can't feel anything not even pleasure? I feel like doing anything just so I could feel something

Anhedonia is a spectrum. I rarely feel anger though and when I do it's towards myself. I do partake in a lot of escapism stuff just so it feels like I'm not existing in this hellhole of a body and life.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I think it always shows me as "online", I never logout… I just don't even think about it, it's always on in the background. Maybe the same for others?

I see that I get it. Yes probably.

I've only been here a few days and just prefer it here to other places online. Before this I was on reddit a lot, and people there are real insufferable cunts. I feel like I can be open here in a way that I can't in other places without people pouring out fake sympathy or just not understanding.

I dont know how long it'll be before I ctb, probably going to be a few weeks to a couple of months, but I plan on sticking around here for a bit and making some friends before I go.

Sorry I know any other places are really platforms for trolls and sorry that you are on the verge. I am trying to hold on right now. I hope your day's are better and atleast bearable.

 

[whatevs]

Only place i feel understood. I can't do much else that i used to enjoy because of chronic pain and anhedonia. I am on disability so my free time is basically unlimited besides frequent appointments.

I see what you did there. Free time isn't free when you can't do much with it.

 

[AUTIST777]

I've known about this site since 2020 since I have been suicidal for a while. Diagnosed OCD, autism and ptsd.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

Anhedonia is a spectrum. I rarely feel anger though and when I do it's towards myself. I do partake in a lot of escapism stuff just so it feels like I'm not existing in this hellhole of a body and life.

I am mostly angry at myself I don't really do weird things I just swallow it or keep it inside whenever I am annoyed for no reason because I remember others haven't done anything bad to me or atleast not take it out on people who don't even do it so I also am punishing myself from time to time by eating less or berating myself like engaging in negative self talks with myself. I don't know about anhedonia much.

 

[bed]

I am mostly angry at myself I don't really do weird things I just swallow it or keep it inside whenever I am annoyed for no reason because I remember others haven't done anything bad to me or atleast not take it out on people who don't even do it so I also am punishing myself from time to time by eating less or berating myself like engaging in negative self talks with myself. I don't know about anhedonia much.

I mostly just spend my time online watching yt or twitch streams to zone out, I don't actively watch it, it's just background noise. I partake in irregular drug use and used to self-harm as well. it's mostly just spending time online though for me.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I've known about this site since 2020 since I have been suicidal for a while. Diagnosed OCD, autism and ptsd.

Sorry autism is really bad no diseases are even fine it sucks. I hope it has helped you in someway since you have been here for a long time and stayed here.

 

[bed]

I see what you did there. Free time isn't free when you can't do much with it.

haha, glad someone noticed

 

[AUTIST777]

Sorry autism is really bad no diseases are even fine it sucks. I hope it has helped you in someway since you have been here for a long time and stayed here.

It really has helped me, the thought of failing which this site has emphasized actually made me more cautious of what i go through with if i do ctb.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I mostly just spend my time online watching yt or twitch streams to zone out, I don't actively watch it, it's just background noise. I partake in irregular drug use and used to self-harm as well. it's mostly just spending time online though for me.

I feel I have been just trying to distract myself too and I feel bad for us. Other people can do things willingly. It's like we are just trying to do anything until the time runs out for us. I was kinda satisfied but last two weeks have been really bad in this whole year I feel I am done. My brain is telling me things I still am not ready to believe but I am not even doing those you mentioned anymore. I wish something happens miraculously.

 

[4hrs50min]

I'm here pretty much all awake hours. I'm not to sure it's helping recovery which is something I want but haven't been able to work for past 6 months. Made the account like 3 weeks ago, read some here before that... I'm not sure it's getting worse it's been pretty much this bad rather long, at least in not in a psych ward anymore

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

That's what I happening I played a game today after a whole week like I was a gaming addict who doesn't even do that anymore. I have control on so many of my desires but anger and numbness just get the best of me. I can now be bummed out with any human I won't be with you guys because we are not related. Sorry but I now have a habit of pushing people who love me away to test their limits which is ugly but I too seek anything that just makes me think because my brain is getting slow. Does anyone do something like that push and pull someone ? That's been my habit for years but it has got worse in past two years. Do you know what it is? If I just seek attention this way and I also feel like they are trying to harm me they aren't good for me when someone gets too close to me or I feel they know too much about me it's not safe. I am so weird or I just lose interest. I am trying to open up here it all sucks I can't understand my behaviour. I am lonely but I push people away and then follow them like a puppy when they are gone. I don't want to do it but I have lost control sometimes. I am trying to work on it really. Please can anyone give any tips or tel what's that?

We want love and attention but actually interacting with other people in real life is shameful and painful… Hence the push pull …

 

[Littlewittlelight]

It really has helped me, the thought of failing which this site has emphasized actually made me more cautious of what i go through with if i do ctb.

Yes I would have done something bad if I didn't find this site or maybe the feeling had passed away sorry to say this but I don't know what I am doing next two weeks since past two just passed now waiting for next two hoping something happens for better. I hope you all find peace too in some form.

 

[emgrl]

We want love and attention but actually interacting with other people in real life is shameful and painful… Hence the push pull …

This!

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I'm here pretty much all awake hours. I'm not to sure it's helping recovery which is something I want but haven't been able to work for past 6 months. Made the account like 3 weeks ago, read some here before that... I'm not sure it's getting worse it's been pretty much this bad rather long, at least in not in a psych ward anymore

Sorry that you couldn't work. It sucks that we must work. I can relate why this place is better and I am glad you aren't in trouble. I haven't been to a psych ward before and I don't know what they look like but I have heard here and from older posts it clearly is hell.

We want love and attention but actually interacting with other people in real life is shameful and painful… Hence the push pull …

I am confused or feeling bad thinking why am I this way? Is it my self esteem or something it is I know but there are more reasons or something I can't understand it's beyond my capacity. I just keep doing it and feel good for a short time then regret so I noticed this pattern and now I even try not to get close to anyone in first place because I know I am running back after a couple months and that would leave them in pain I am just use to it.
Thanks for sharing and sorry if I missed anyone's reply. I found a similarity between us all that's is we are just finding distraction people like me or some of are awaiting either for it to end or for ourselves to end.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being on this forum is just a way to pass the time. There's no benefit to it, no point and it doesn't make me feel better. I've been on here for too long and I envy those who have left this world. I'm so tired of everything.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Sorry that you couldn't work. It sucks that we must work. I can relate why this place is better and I am glad you aren't in trouble. I haven't been to a psych ward before and I don't know what they look like but I have heard here and from older posts it clearly is hell.

I am confused or feeling bad thinking why am I this way? Is it my self esteem or something it is I know but there are more reasons or something I can't understand it's beyond my capacity. I just keep doing it and feel good for a short time then regret so I noticed this pattern and now I even try not to get close to anyone in first place because I know I am running back after a couple months and that would leave them in pain I am just use to it.
Thanks for sharing and sorry if I missed anyone's reply. I found a similarity between us all that's is we are just finding distraction people like me or some of are awaiting either for it to end or for ourselves to end.

Treading water

 

[Euthanza]

My surroundings irl is really fucked up, I got my brain an asylum here

 

[brokensea]

It's the only place I can say how I really feel and someone listens to me instead of forcing me to get better by some miracle or whatever they think. My feelings are never accepted by anyone except here. The only one person I ever talked to would always put me down about, what am I trying to do to get better? Other people have it worse than you. You can't give advice to anyone cause you're depressed so that makes you a hypocrite. You can get better if you want to. It's all I've heard from this person and it's made my depression even worse. So here among like minded people at least I don't get that crap here. I wish I could help everyone feel better and I guess be the only depressed person if that makes any sense. I feel so sad for everyone and hate how much we all suffer.