Venting you win lars

[Lilythefenfen]

im just thinking a lot these days, and it makes my head hurt. lately it's anger, other times it's just a heaviness in my chest that wants to upheave and sob and scream but nothing comes out but a burning sensation from tears long gone.
I have no words to explain how much you hurt me Lars. All the world deserves to know your name, what you did to me. you told me it was my fault that you hurt me, that you did those sick fucking things to me. told me who would ever love me except you? and still, you see no fault in your actions. ive been left scarred, terrified, and frankly... im just exhausted. you win, i give up, nothing but someones personal slut is anything ill be anymore. i just want the nightmares to stop, i want to feel something other than agonizing pain, i just cant live knowing that you literally carved your initials into my skin, seeing me nothing more as property that can just as easily be disposed of. there was a point where i did love you, where i did trust you, and now everyone is being pushed away, even those who genuinely care and love me, because im too scared to let anyone too close before lashing out. i hurt everyone. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.



i guess before i go anywhere, i want to say some things to the members of sasu who may be reading.
my name is lilyanne, im a 25 year old trans girl. i was born in wisconsin, and raised around the us. my father is a drug addict and a horrible human, but my adopted father was a great man. i wasnt always the best student, i was mentally harmed due to being exposed to sex at an early age, and because of that i believed very much in the idea of love. it was shattered when i got myself into a living nightmare worse than i could imagine. my hobbies include vinyl collecting, cooking, and video games. DND and Geocaching as well. why am i telling you all this? because i want you to know that, even though i was reduced to a lowly object, i was once human. please dont forget that we were all once human. we all go through hell, we all feel love, we all feel in general. im terrified of being forgotten.


this is the end of my rant for today i guess. As for catching the bus, not there just yet, the time is extremely close, this isn't my goodbye letter, this is just a way to talk for now. get things off my chest. i hope everyone manages to find their own endings. whether that is from finding a way out of this hell hole known as depression, or whether they take their last breath and find peace in eternal slumber. everyone deserves that happiness and that choice. right? With all the love in the world,

-Lily

 

[Linda]

You are still human. Never forget that. What you have been through doesn't define you.

You don't give a lot of details about yourself, which leaves me having to guess to fill in some of the gaps. If I have guessed wrong, I apologise. But it seems to me that you may be in the common situation of having had some difficult experiences in your past, you assumed that someone who loved you would help you deal with that, and as a result you were perhaps too eager to find that someone. It's easy to "find" the wrong person if you are in a hurry. What I think you need to do is take things much more slowly in future. Get to know people quite well before you even consider getting emotionally close to them or getting into a relationship with them. And whatever you do, don't get into a relationship just because you think it will help you deal with your problems. That rarely ends well. The best reason for getting into a relationship is that you feel comfortable with the other person, and you are sure that the other person feels comfortable with you. Sexual attraction is important, as are other things, but you also need the "we feel comfortable with each other" for a lasting relationship.

Ther are lots of men - nice men - who want a trans girl as a partner. All you have to do is find one of them.

So how about doing your hair nicely, putting some nice clothes, jewellery and makeup on, and getting out somewhere there are people? That's the first small step towards lifting yourself out of your depression, and perhaps even the first step towards finding the right man.

Hugs, and good luck.

 

[Lilythefenfen]

You are still human. Never forget that. What you have been through doesn't define you.

You don't give a lot of details about yourself, which leaves me having to guess to fill in some of the gaps. If I have guessed wrong, I apologise. But it seems to me that you may be in the common situation of having had some difficult experiences in your past, you assumed that someone who loved you would help you deal with that, and as a result you were perhaps too eager to find that someone. It's easy to "find" the wrong person if you are in a hurry. What I think you need to do is take things much more slowly in future. Get to know people quite well before you even consider getting emotionally close to them or getting into a relationship with them. And whatever you do, don't get into a relationship just because you think it will help you deal with your problems. That rarely ends well. The best reason for getting into a relationship is that you feel comfortable with the other person, and you are sure that the other person feels comfortable with you. Sexual attraction is important, as are other things, but you also need the "we feel comfortable with each other" for a lasting relationship.

Ther are lots of men - nice men - who want a trans girl as a partner. All you have to do is find one of them.

So how about doing your hair nicely, putting some nice clothes, jewellery and makeup on, and getting out somewhere there are people? That's the first small step towards lifting yourself out of your depression, and perhaps even the first step towards finding the right man.

Hugs, and good luck.

After the horrible sexual abuse and the constant night terrors from the PTSD, the Nerve damage from being cuffed to a prison cot screwed into a floor, and everything else. I desire nothing more than to pass on peacefully.