Venting “You don’t really wanna die”

[madbananas]

Yes I do. I'm not saying there isn't something that would help me want to live, but it seems like that is too much to ask for. I've wanted to die on and off (on wayyyyyyy more than off) since I was 11.
I hate the bs lines given to me like that because people apparently can't understand the survival instinct and how right now it's the only thing keeping me here. I do not want to live anymore. Wish people would understand that instead of telling themselves that I actually want to live.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

"You don't really want to die" = "I don't really want to die, but I'm just going to assume that my perspective on the world is a universal standard and impose that on you and judge you from it"

 

[madbananas]

"You don't really want to die" = "I don't really want to die, but I'm just going to assume that my perspective on the world is a universal standard and impose that on you and judge you from it"

Exactly. It's the same with people telling me I'm not resilient. Sorry, but I'm still here after what I've been through and just because people can't imagine how painful it is to be ghosted by a person I felt really connected to, doesn't mean it isn't horrific. I mean I have abandonment trauma and people are basically just like "well you haven't been raped or assaulted so you need to be more resilient". Why can't people appreciate that I'm traumatised out my tits when it comes to attachment and that is more unbearable for me than being sexually assaulted (which I actually have been before).
Ugh sorry for the rant lol

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I think that's just how most people operate, assuming that their subjective viewpoint has objective validity, and that everyone else can be understood according that subjectivity of experience. I guess it's too much to ask from many people for them to try to imagine the world from a point of view other then their own.
Sorry to hear that you have been through that.

 

[lucid]

I hate that statement so much. It's like saying "because you're saying you're going to CTB it means you aren't, whether it's for attention or not". You can't say the same thing for every single person.

 

[madbananas]

I think that's just how most people operate, assuming that their subjective viewpoint has objective validity, and that everyone else can be understood according that subjectivity of experience. I guess it's too much to ask a lot of people to try to imagine the world from a point of view other then their own.
Sorry to hear that you have been through that.

Yup. And sadly it's mental health professionals mostly who can't even sympathise with what my life is like.
Thank you. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up again.

I hate that statement so much. It's like saying "because you're saying you're going to CTB it means you aren't, whether it's for attention or not". You can't say the same thing for every single person.

Exactly. And it's actually a huge myth that most people who ctb don't tell anyone. Mental health professionals are aware of this myth and even they still say stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like people are educated at degree level for becoming a mental health professional and then just forget everything they've ever learnt.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

And sadly it's mental health professionals mostly who can't even sympathise with what my life is like

That's because they're just doing a job. They don't really care, deep down. I'm not judging them, I'm just being realistic.
They get paid to be mental health professionals and to say certain things they learned in medical school or college to the people they counsel. It's a day job, but their real concerns lie elsewhere.

I just want to close my eyes and never wake up again.

I know. I can understand that feeling.
It's completely ok to feel like that. It may pass or transform itself into another feeling.
Sometimes it helps to just accept the way you feel at any point in time and try not to fight it.

Sometimes I feel like people are educated at degree level for becoming a mental health professional and then just forget everything they've ever learnt

Or what they learned was wrong in the first place.
Psychology and psychiatry as professions are predicated on the idea that not wanting to live anymore is somehow a monstrous anomaly and should be eradicated from the mind altogether. It's not a legitimate desire, because [insert generic pro-life slogan].

In actual fact, it is sometimes a legitimate and reasonable desire which can be explained in a way that doesn't negate it, if you take the totality of someone's experiences into account. Which is what those disciplines don't do. They fragment and compartmentalize people's minds and experiences and behavioral dispositions into convenient little boxes which they can label and call 'illnesses' or 'disorders' or 'deviations', which have to be 'treated' using varying amounts psychoactive drugs.

 

[madbananas]

That's because they're just doing a job. They don't really care, deep down. I'm not judging them, I'm just being realistic.
They get paid to be mental health professionals and to say certain things they learned in medical school or college to the people they counsel. It's a day job, but their real concerns lie elsewhere.

I know. I can understand that feeling.
It's completely ok to feel like that. It may pass or transform itself into another feeling.
Sometimes it helps to just accept the way you feel at any point in time and try not to fight it.

Or what they learned was wrong in the first place.
Psychology and psychiatry as professions are predicated on the idea that not wanting to live anymore is somehow a monstrous anomaly and should be eradicated from the mind altogether. It's not a legitimate desire, because [insert generic pro-life slogan].

In actual fact, it is sometimes a legitimate and rational desire which can be explained if you take the totality of someone's experiences into account. Which is what those disciplines don't do. They fragment and compartmentalize people's minds and experiences and behavioral dispositions into convenient little boxes which they can label and call 'illnesses' or 'disorders' or 'deviations', which have to be 'treated' using varying amounts psychoactive drugs.

Thank you for taking the time to give such a detailed thoughtful reply.
It's horrible because now that I'm pathologised I'm essentially being gaslit for life because of this.
I go from trying to accept it to getting really agitated And then feeling completely distressed by it. It's like my whole life has been ruined because of my childhood and I just want a dignified way out.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

how can people say that, when they'll never know for sure how another person feels? furthermore, how can they say that without experiencing the person's life and what led them to want to die?

they can't ever imagine willingly commiting suicide because they think that life is some precious gift from the heavens no matter what.

 

[madbananas]

how can people say that, when they'll never know for sure how another person feels? furthermore, how can they say that without experiencing the person's life and what led them to want to die?

they can't ever imagine willingly commiting suicide because they think that life is some precious gift from the heavens no matter what.

It's horrible because part of my main issue is being invalidated and then it just happens further when people coerce me to talk about my suicidal feelings (people outside this forum, people who post online everywhere about importance of talk and suicide prevention, the same people who just leave me when I then actually talk about being suicidal) and tell me it's basically no reason to want to die or I don't really want to die because I'm talking about it. I hate my life

 

[woxihuanni]

I have a somewhat different but related grievance.

There is this pro-lifer who fooled me for a while that they were pro-choice. My situation has been the same for over a year: Want to live, but if/when I lose my partner/home, I will die. Anyways, this person tells me recently that I must have reason to live now, because I've learnt new things (cooking, baking, another hobby). I want to tear them from limb to limb. I had a fuckload to offer and a fuckload of desires before these as well, I didn't want to die even then! I've never said I want to die because there is nothing that connects me to life, I said I will die if all those connections are severed. Try baking bread for just yourself. It rots. Life is never meant to be for one.

That is, in this case, I keep saying I don't want to die but the other party is convinced I am suicidal because of depression/want to die.

 

[Denise2207]

Exactly. It's the same with people telling me I'm not resilient. Sorry, but I'm still here after what I've been through and just because people can't imagine how painful it is to be ghosted by a person I felt really connected to, doesn't mean it isn't horrific. I mean I have abandonment trauma and people are basically just like "well you haven't been raped or assaulted so you need to be more resilient". Why can't people appreciate that I'm traumatised out my tits when it comes to attachment and that is more unbearable for me than being sexually assaulted (which I actually have been before).
Ugh sorry for the rant lol

You could be talking about my life.....sorry you're in the same position

 

[BetterInthanOut]

"You don't want to die, you just want to start living" ugh worst phrase in the world, so invalidating!

 

[overcomingfear]

"Do you live my life or share the breath I breathe?"

 

[BPD Barbie]

Not everyone actually does want to die though. I feel like I might get lynched for this comment but some people, myself included, are just having our hands forced. Some people are just backed into a corner with no other options. I get that it's not the same for everyone but just wanted to add my thoughts.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't really want to, but I feel more like I have to.

The further I go on, the more I ensure no one can deny that.

 

[Wayfaerer]

"you don't really want to die"

yeah well no shit, but what other options do I have? Live the rest of my life like this and be a wageslave til I die? fuck that!

Not everyone actually does want to die though. I feel like I might get lynched for this comment but some people, myself included, are just having our hands forced. Some people are just backed into a corner with no other options. I get that it's not the same for everyone but just wanted to add my thoughts.

That's me.

 

[madbananas]

Not everyone actually does want to die though. I feel like I might get lynched for this comment but some people, myself included, are just having our hands forced. Some people are just backed into a corner with no other options. I get that it's not the same for everyone but just wanted to add my thoughts.

No I absolutely agree. I feel my hands are forced because of the situation I'm in and I feel like I can't live with this situation. I kind of hoped that's what would come across when I was talking about if things could change and that it feels it's too much apparently to ask. Apologies if it sounded like I was saying we all want to die.

 

[BetterInthanOut]

Not everyone actually does want to die though. I feel like I might get lynched for this comment but some people, myself included, are just having our hands forced. Some people are just backed into a corner with no other options. I get that it's not the same for everyone but just wanted to add my thoughts.

Of course, if everyone here had the things that they lack in their lives (love, money, etc) then no one would want to die, but having those things is impossible so dying is the thing they want most

 

[wanttodie]

Yes I do. want to die

 

[MeriDeath]

Big F*** U to everyone who says you dont really wanna die. Ok some people dont really want to die they just wish their lives would look better so they would have a reason to live but for those who nothing can change anything anymore I just think you should answer that: f*** you.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

This can sometimes be true, but from a pro-choice perspective: Of course (some) suicidal people don't want to die they just want to escape from the pain, and unfortunately ending their life is the only way to accomplish this given the circumstances. It is like a person jumping out of a window in a burning building; they know they will probably splatter on the pavement, but it's better than the alternative: burning to death. They don't want to end their life they just want to avoid the heat.

Exactly. It's the same with people telling me I'm not resilient. Sorry, but I'm still here after what I've been through and just because people can't imagine how painful it is to be ghosted by a person I felt really connected to, doesn't mean it isn't horrific.

To add to what you have said: nobody should have to be resilient. A lot of harshness that is encountered in human life is caused by people unnecessarily mistreating each other. You would not need to "toughen up" if we did not bully and hurt each other in the first place. The only time resilience should be required is in extreme circumstances where there is actually a good reason for having strong fortitude, and were it cannot be avoided.

 

[Leshen]

I don't, actually. I simply wish I've never been born.

 

[262653]

If the majority has voted for Trump but I didn't vote for him, would that mean that I voted for Trump? Sure, he became the US President, but does that mean that I wanted him to become the US President? That it was my choice?

If what is meant by "you" is the "country" (the assemblage of all voters), the body, the brain, whatever, then just because it (the whole) chose to stay alive doesn't necessarily mean that that choice reflects the stances of all individual voters. Or to put it simply: define "you". I hope that makes at least some sense...

I'm not identifying myself with my survival instinct, so I'm not identifying myself with the whole. Some people have it the other way, they don't identify themselves with "the side that wants to die", and treat it as an adversary. The common expressions for such cases would be "I'm battling with depression", "I want to live but I'm struggling with my voices/inner demons/suicidal urges". You could see that they treat the suicidal side as the enemy, the opposing force, just like some people here (including myself) treat their survival side in the same way.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I hate that statement so much. It's like saying "because you're saying you're going to CTB it means you aren't, whether it's for attention or not". You can't say the same thing for every single person.

I have used that to my advantage. Cry wolf often enough and authorities ignore you. Best way to put a plan in action, no threats of incarceration, time to do and get all you need. History is important if you have made up your mind to go. If you are still fighting the need to die then I imagine it would be very hard.

If the majority has voted for Trump but I didn't vote for him, would that mean that I voted for Trump? Sure, he became the US President, but does that mean that I wanted him to become the US President? That it was my choice?

If what is meant by "you" is the "country" (the assemblage of all voters), the body, the brain, whatever, then just because it (the whole) chose to stay alive doesn't necessarily mean that that choice reflects the stances of all individual voters. Or to put it simply: define "you". I hope that makes at least some sense...

I'm not identifying myself with my survival instinct, so I'm not identifying myself with the whole. Some people have it the other way, they don't identify themselves with "the side that wants to die", and treat it as an adversary. The common expressions for such cases would be "I'm battling with depression", "I want to live but I'm struggling with my voices/inner demons/suicidal urges". You could see that they treat the suicidal side as the enemy, the opposing force, just like some people here (including myself) treat their survival side in the same way.

Very, very well put.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

"John has never talked about suicide"
-- That's because he wants to live

"John keeps talking about suicide"
-- That's because he's looking for attention. In fact, he wants to live

Bit of a catch-22, really.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

"John has never talked about suicide"
-- That's because he wants to live

"John keeps talking about suicide"
-- That's because he's looking for attention. In fact, he wants to live

Bit of a catch-22, really.

Definitely! Works for me though. You would be amazed at what I can get away with...smile. Even knowing that I almost succeeded once before I am left alone. I would not even be nervous ordering N via mail. Anything I buy comes through easily. Not one issue. But it does take time to create said history. Still, for me at least, decidedly worth it.

 

[CyoherKnight]

Good points.

I will say that I have no intention on informing anyone close to me. Well, my bf knows and he supports my decision. That is the only person who needs to know and frankly, the rest aren't worth wrestling words over.

My decision is already what it is. It's gonna be a day of celebration of a conclusion of life on my own terms.

 

[tidalwxves]

I don't really want to, but I feel more like I have to.

The further I go on, the more I ensure no one can deny that.

If its not what you want then you don't have to. Please be gentle with yourself and try to pour yourself into things that bring you joy. What are your hobbies? Who is good at making you laugh? Focus your energy there

 

[Deleted member 1768]

That's because they're just doing a job. They don't really care, deep down. I'm not judging them, I'm just being realistic.
They get paid to be mental health professionals and to say certain things they learned in medical school or college to the people they counsel. It's a day job, but their real concerns lie elsewhere.

I know. I can understand that feeling.
It's completely ok to feel like that. It may pass or transform itself into another feeling.
Sometimes it helps to just accept the way you feel at any point in time and try not to fight it.

Or what they learned was wrong in the first place.
Psychology and psychiatry as professions are predicated on the idea that not wanting to live anymore is somehow a monstrous anomaly and should be eradicated from the mind altogether. It's not a legitimate desire, because [insert generic pro-life slogan].

In actual fact, it is sometimes a legitimate and reasonable desire which can be explained in a way that doesn't negate it, if you take the totality of someone's experiences into account. Which is what those disciplines don't do. They fragment and compartmentalize people's minds and experiences and behavioral dispositions into convenient little boxes which they can label and call 'illnesses' or 'disorders' or 'deviations', which have to be 'treated' using varying amounts psychoactive drugs.

They are not taught to listen, have rarely been through anything akin to what many of us have been through, and are stuck on a never-ending loop, which is constantly reinforced by their coworkers. Drugs are therefore necessary to prescribe. If one does not possess an open mind, sees all patients under the same banner then drugs and highly detrimental care is what you get.