Venting You don't listen, do you?

[BobbyPellitt]

[Warning: long rant ahead]

Do you feel like people around you don't really listen or care about you? I understand that each of us have our own problems, so I'm not talking about some stranger or acquaintance, but people who are close to you, the ones who claimed that they care about your well being, such as family, close friends, significant other, or even your therapist.

I've lost count how many times my parents told me that they love and care about me, yet they never actually listen or pay attention close enough to understand the situation I am now. I don't know if they're lying to themselves about my condition, trying to be optimistic, but its actually starting to get on my nerves how oblivious they are about the actual condition I am currently in.

I hinted them lots of time about how I think about suicide daily, barely having any will to live and how I have severe social phobia. My mind is so fucked up now that I no longer believe in God or any sort of "future" that they want me to have (married, high paying job). How can I function like a normal person if every time I met a stranger, I would be in a near panic attack due to my social anxiety. Get married and get a high paying job? What a joke. I don't even see myself living in the next 2 years, much less doing all the things they expect me to do. It terrifies me even more to think that I would live another 10+ years in my current condition, no will to live or die, or failing my suicide attempt and ended up in a zombie-like state like Jack Nicholson at the end of the movie "One who flew over the cuckoo's nest".

I mean, are my parents really that oblivious, or maybe they don't actually listen? They always give out the same bullshit advice like study, work out, hang out, meet new people, get a girlfriend, get a job, pray to god. Don't they realize that I never form any type of friendship ever since middle school where I got severely bullied by everyone from my closest friends to teachers? Don't they realize that I spend all my free time doing absolutely nothing, either watching random videos on you tube, stare at the ceiling, smoke a cigarette or hangout on a suicide forum? Don't they realize that every time they forces me to attend any social gathering that I got severe anxiety and constantly think about killing myself? Don't they realize that I no longer give two shits about my life, no longer believe in God or any bullshit moral speech that they give me just to get me to do what THEY think is best for me, much less care about my goddamn future. The only future I can envision now is one where I no longer exist.

Yet, hopefully, when I do have the guts to overcome my survival instinct and CTB, they would most likely say the same shit everyone is saying, how they NEVER see it coming. Really? NEVER? Not even all those years when I cried for help telling them I got bullied at school, how I don't have any single friend or acquaintance in the past 6 years, how I spend my time doing nothing but hating my life and hoping I don't wake up tomorrow. Funny thing is, they would most likely shift the blame to violent movies, suicide forum, and even evil spirits since they are religious.

tl;dr People never really listen to you until you're dead, yet the same people who choose to CTB are the ones you probably never bother listening to anyway.

 

[Chalken]

I can relate a lot. I have severe social anxiety as well and it feels like I have no future. How am I supposed to stay motivated when I know that I will eventually kill myself and nothing I do will matter? My father keeps telling me to exercise, think positive, communicate and all the bullshit. He might mean well, so I'm not really trying to blame him. I'm lucky to have a great mom though, she might not understand my struggles, but at least she tries and doesn't push me. My parents keep telling me that I'll get better, too, but I don't believe it. It's probably just to reassure themselves. I don't speak with anyone besides my family so it feels really lonely when even they don't understand.

I've lost faith in religion a long time ago. A god worth worshipping wouldn't allow so much suffering. If he exists, then fuck him.

During the last visit to my psychiatrist I completely opened up about my intrusive suicidal thoughts. She told me something along the lines of "You should look for ways to get better, and not for ways to kill yourself". Easier said than done, when death seems more comforting than reality. She offered to check myself in to the psych ward. I said I'd think about it, but being disconnected from all electronics for weeks and forced to interact with others did not sound great. Though the last time I've been to a psych ward, it was the teenager unit, and now I'd go to the adult unit, so it might be different but I'm not eager to find out. Last time I went to one, I just lied about getting better to get out of there asap.

Sorry for speaking so much about myself. You were probably looking for advice, but I don't really know what else to say, besides the fact that I can relate to you.

 

[Rachel74]

Again someone who can relate.
Me sat in my car crying when my partner turned up trying to find me and bringing the dogs as emotional black mail. I said you can never ever fathom what's going on in my head I wish I could explain but you'll never understand. I honestly won't bother telling him no more and carry on with my painful fake smile that makes me look like the joker.

 

[RedAlert]

I can relate a lot. I have severe social anxiety as well and it feels like I have no future. How am I supposed to stay motivated when I know that I will eventually kill myself and nothing I do will matter? My father keeps telling me to exercise, think positive, communicate and all the bullshit. He might mean well, so I'm not really trying to blame him. I'm lucky to have a great mom though, she might not understand my struggles, but at least she tries and doesn't push me. My parents keep telling me that I'll get better, too, but I don't believe it. It's probably just to reassure themselves. I don't speak with anyone besides my family so it feels really lonely when even they don't understand.

I've lost faith in religion a long time ago. A god worth worshipping wouldn't allow so much suffering. If he exists, then fuck him.

During the last visit to my psychiatrist I completely opened up about my intrusive suicidal thoughts. She told me something along the lines of "You should look for ways to get better, and not for ways to kill yourself". Easier said than done, when death seems more comforting than reality. She offered to check myself in to the psych ward. I said I'd think about it, but being disconnected from all electronics for weeks and forced to interact with others did not sound great. Though the last time I've been to a psych ward, it was the teenager unit, and now I'd go to the adult unit, so it might be different but I'm not eager to find out. Last time I went to one, I just lied about getting better to get out of there asap.

Sorry for speaking so much about myself. You were probably looking for advice, but I don't really know what else to say, besides the fact that I can relate to you.

The only way to lower* anxiety is to put down the electronics and go outside and make small talk with family, friends, co-workers and preferably random strangers. Also taking a transit system where there are a lot of people around is a good way to exercise anxiety control and emergency breathing techniques if you feel like your going to have a panic attack. Unfortunately like anything in life, much mental and psychical suffering is required for the individual to lower social/generalised anxiety. Its like exercising at the gym, feeling that burn at first and then reaping the rewards afterwards.

 

[Chalken]

The only way to lower* anxiety is to put down the electronics and go outside and make small talk with family, friends, co-workers and preferably random strangers. Also taking a transit system where there are a lot of people around is a good way to exercise anxiety control and emergency breathing techniques if you feel like your going to have a panic attack. Unfortunately like anything in life, much mental and psychical suffering is required for the individual to lower social/generalised anxiety. Its like exercising at the gym, feeling that burn at first and then reaping the rewards afterwards.

Thanks for the advice. It's hard to put effort into anything when all you think about is suicide, though. I'm trying to communicate more, but it feels like every time I do, it backfires and I come crashing down harder than before. So I stop trying, retreat back into my shell and start wondering, what's even the point? I dunno, maybe I should check myself into the psych ward after all.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I often mutter to myself as I wander around scratching my head "no one listens"

It's true. But it can be so hard for people to listen it's actually not an easy thing. Especially if the mental state of the person you are trying to listen to is regarded as abnormal.

No one listens to me cus I'm acting terrified.

 

[BobbyPellitt]

I can relate a lot. I have severe social anxiety as well and it feels like I have no future. How am I supposed to stay motivated when I know that I will eventually kill myself and nothing I do will matter? My father keeps telling me to exercise, think positive, communicate and all the bullshit. He might mean well, so I'm not really trying to blame him. I'm lucky to have a great mom though, she might not understand my struggles, but at least she tries and doesn't push me. My parents keep telling me that I'll get better, too, but I don't believe it. It's probably just to reassure themselves. I don't speak with anyone besides my family so it feels really lonely when even they don't understand.

I've lost faith in religion a long time ago. A god worth worshipping wouldn't allow so much suffering. If he exists, then fuck him.

During the last visit to my psychiatrist I completely opened up about my intrusive suicidal thoughts. She told me something along the lines of "You should look for ways to get better, and not for ways to kill yourself". Easier said than done, when death seems more comforting than reality. She offered to check myself in to the psych ward. I said I'd think about it, but being disconnected from all electronics for weeks and forced to interact with others did not sound great. Though the last time I've been to a psych ward, it was the teenager unit, and now I'd go to the adult unit, so it might be different but I'm not eager to find out. Last time I went to one, I just lied about getting better to get out of there asap.

Sorry for speaking so much about myself. You were probably looking for advice, but I don't really know what else to say, besides the fact that I can relate to you.

Thanks for sharing. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. No need to apologize, in fact I'd rather have people share their stories too rather than give advice.

 

[woxihuanni]

Thanks for the advice. It's hard to put effort into anything when all you think about is suicide, though. I'm trying to communicate more, but it feels like every time I do, it backfires and I come crashing down harder than before. So I stop trying, retreat back into my shell and start wondering, what's even the point? I dunno, maybe I should check myself into the psych ward after all.

You will feel worse if you force yourself to interact people you don't like. Having a quiet coffee once in a while with someone you can stand would do more to ease yourself into social interaction than frantically seek small talk with people you have nothing to do with. Trust me, even people without social anxiety feel exhausted after nodding at idiots and smiling tight.