Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,193
TW: Suicide
You can't love someone who is unstable
You just….can't
No matter how people might want to convince you otherwise
It's just true
I was abused growing up. Horribly
My brain is trauma hard wired. Therapy, medication, all that nonsense can only do but so much you know?
Everyone talks about re wiring but…well, trauma is irreversible
Anyways, imagine being friends with someone who is unpredictable
They nod and act fine when you tell them things work good intent. When attempt to her close to them, or who knows
And then they blow up at you, block you, and take it out on you verbally. They'll gossip to other people about how terrible yuu are in an attempt to make themselves feel better
That's me. That's always been me
Doesn't matter if it's because of my trauma or mental health issues. I claim to want to "take responsibility" but do I change? Not really
I might seem to be changing but I always fall back on those good ol' abusive behaviors
Can't be helped
Anyways, I can tell it's exhausting for people to deal wirh
They're left confused and hurt. And even when they do forgive me, I know they won't forget
If I mess up and be abusive another time, well, I lost my chances
So, if I am always going to make these abusive mistakes, why the hell am i alive?
I'm selfish, that's it
I want people to love me
I want to feel good
And even when I'm an asshole I still crave it
This is a feeling I am going to have time and time again, and it's so painful for me
If I don't die, I'll be forced to have to face this repeatedly in some process of "healing"
But maybe the most "healing" thing I can do is end this misery
And before anyone gets "worried" this isn't a goodbye post
Because impulsive suicide will lead to me surviving in a hospital
And I really really don't want that
So, I'll figure it out
You'll see. I won't be suffering anymore
I won't be hurting anyone anymore
Everything will be fine
You can't love someone who is unstable
You just….can't
No matter how people might want to convince you otherwise
It's just true
I was abused growing up. Horribly
My brain is trauma hard wired. Therapy, medication, all that nonsense can only do but so much you know?
Everyone talks about re wiring but…well, trauma is irreversible
Anyways, imagine being friends with someone who is unpredictable
They nod and act fine when you tell them things work good intent. When attempt to her close to them, or who knows
And then they blow up at you, block you, and take it out on you verbally. They'll gossip to other people about how terrible yuu are in an attempt to make themselves feel better
That's me. That's always been me
Doesn't matter if it's because of my trauma or mental health issues. I claim to want to "take responsibility" but do I change? Not really
I might seem to be changing but I always fall back on those good ol' abusive behaviors
Can't be helped
Anyways, I can tell it's exhausting for people to deal wirh
They're left confused and hurt. And even when they do forgive me, I know they won't forget
If I mess up and be abusive another time, well, I lost my chances
So, if I am always going to make these abusive mistakes, why the hell am i alive?
I'm selfish, that's it
I want people to love me
I want to feel good
And even when I'm an asshole I still crave it
This is a feeling I am going to have time and time again, and it's so painful for me
If I don't die, I'll be forced to have to face this repeatedly in some process of "healing"
But maybe the most "healing" thing I can do is end this misery
And before anyone gets "worried" this isn't a goodbye post
Because impulsive suicide will lead to me surviving in a hospital
And I really really don't want that
So, I'll figure it out
You'll see. I won't be suffering anymore
I won't be hurting anyone anymore
Everything will be fine
