You all may hate me after reading this, but I have to get this off my chest.

[Cupcake]

My children make me want to CTB. They are sesrious suicide fuel for me. I hate, hate, HATE being a mom, and somsetimes even hate them, particularly my five and a half year old. She's so argumentative, and nothing's ever good enough. I always try to be nice to her, get her little treats, and she always finds fault with whatever I do or something to argue with me about. Supposedly this is normal five year old behavior, but I hate it! I feel that all they do, my children, is scream and cry. Parenting is a thankless task, and I often find myself wishing they would all just go away forever, or that I would get the courage to go away forever. Fortunately, they don't live with me, they live with their dad. When I moved out, I thought it would help me be a better mom because I'd be away from them so much, but it hasn't hhelped. If anything, I'm getting even more impatient with them with time, not less. I also hate how my partner acts like our eldest child's "shit don't stink" sort of thing. He never corrects her when she talks back to him. In fact, she hits him, shouts at him constantly, does mean things she knows she's not supposed to do, all the while saying "I'm ruining it!", referring to his coat or shirt or whatever she's trying to stretch out and rip or mark up with her markers or whatever. And, all the while, he just says in this calm, defeated way "We don't hit," when she hits him, but he doesn't do time-outs or really punish her in any way other than making her take long walks to try and calm down. Which sometimes works, but not really. Whenever I try to impose a consequence, like a time-out, he over-rides me. He also refers to them as "my kids," meaning his kids, whenever he talks about them, and even though I don't really like them, nor did I even want to have them, it still hurts my feelings because they are "our" kids, and didn't I carry their bratty asses in my belly for nine months? Don't I deserve SOME bit of recognition? He knew I never wanted kids, that I had them for him, and yet he acts like I had no roll in any of it. True, he does all the work in terms of caring for them, but I am the one who financially supports all of us on my tiny social security check. Whenever they want to go to the city to play or go out to eat or to Chucky Cheese or whatever, I never say no unless I'm completely out of money and physically can't afford it. I deprive myself of all sorts of things so they can have fun and scrounge what happiness can be found in this life, and still I'm not recognized or appreciated for what I do. Or, at least that's how I feel, and it hurts. I'm so done! I want out! Someone, please just fucking kill me already! How come there are so many shootings these days and I haven't been near or at an event where one took place? I wish that the person who ran me over with their car had been going faster and had just finished me. Then I wouldn't have to CTB, it would have just been a horrible accident, and people would have gotten over it much better than they probably will if I ever stop being such a fucking chicken shit and CTB already. Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm expecting some negative reactions from members, primarily because so many on here have bad parents, so that's fine. Bring on the hate! I just had to let it out, I have no one to talk to about this who will actually understand, and maybe none of you will, either, but oh fucking well. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

 

[riven1431]

I'll talk to you. It's fairly reasonable not to want kids, for the reasons you explained above made me not want to have kids either. Cuz there's something you've gotto understand. Kids are just your past actions coming to hurt either you or the other party(your partner). To be honest rather than ending i think you need to live through this either till it's fixed or you die, so you don't come back to learn the same lesson you could have passed in one shot. Again kids are just karma for either your wrong doings(which everyone has) or the right one. Even though i've lived a pretty "right" life i'm still not confident enough to have kids cuz i've seen this in my family, most kids are terrible to their parents cuz the parents made mistakes in their current or past life. That energy just crosses over and goes on and on and on. Even if you ctb now you'll just end up coming back in a different life just to fix the mistakes of your past life

 

[BlueWidow]

Actually, if I had children of my own, I would probably feel the same way you do. That's why I don't have any. But I can completely understand. Little kids irritate me as well. I hate how loud they are and that they repeat the same word or phrase over and over. I hate how needy they are. I know they're just acting the way little kids act, but it just gets on my last nerve. It also irritates me when people don't control their children, though I suspect it's probably harder to do than I realize, since I've never had to do it myself because I don't have any.
I am sorry for what you're going through.
It's not fair that you aren't recognized or appreciated. As you said, you carried them inside of you for nine months. I'd say that qualifies you for some recognition and appreciation. I'm sure someone else who actually has children can speak about your situation better than I can. I don't think people on the site are going to hate you though. Raising kids is probably one of the toughest things you can do. I have no doubt it's extremely stressful, and if you're already stressed out to begin with. . . I don't know how you would handle it. The reason I don't have any kids is because I have no doubt in my mind that I'd be in prison right now for killing them, if I had any. I have zero patience for dealing with small children.
I'm sending you support & hugs. I wish I could send you the courage or will to ctb, if that's what you want. But since I can't, you'll have to settle for support and hugs instead.

 

[Loner]

I am struggling to deal with my child too. I have just been taking sleeping pills so my vision has started to go funny. I think I am going to sleep now, sorry but I am not much f a help atm.

 

[SinisterKid]

None of us are born parents. We have to learn to be. Some, sadly, just dont make the grade. They just are not parent material. No one can tell you that or teach it. Its not criticism of you or any parent, just my opinion. I am a step parent, so know a little about it.

I think you are brutally honest about your own short comings and extremely brave to make this post. The anti natalists will love you for it, the parents probably hate you for it. So long as it doesn't develop into a shitstorm, its ok. You are just expressing your feelings and emotions. Its a vent. This place is good to vent. Hopefully people will respect that.

 

[Tearygirl]

I don't hate you at all. It can happen. Especially if you didn't want children.
p.s. But please don't abuse them. It really hurts.

 

[Farmmaa]

Here's the thing - kids are sponges. They absorb everything around them. They become what they learn.
They know you don't like them. They know you didn't want them.
You can't blame them for how they're turning out.

Not everyone wants to be a parent. Not everyone should be a parent... but your kids do not owe you squat. Respect is earned and no child should be thankful or grateful just because you gave birth to them. It's not like they requested it.

You kids can feel your hatred and resentment... honestly, it's probably in their best interest for you to not be involved in their lives at all any more.

Why is your ex not working and supporting the children that he wanted to bring into this world ???

 

[EmptyArms]

Thank God for the dad.

 

[Final Escape]

After reading that I feel greatful I didn't have kids. Lol! Jus kiddin! I'm sure it's not always terrible and hopefully once they're older maybe it will improve.

 

[Mort]

I dont have kids my self but i can sort of relate to that often when i got out shopping they all ways sum kid screaming the hold shope down . Odd thing the mums well sum of them just dont care and do nothing to stop them . When comes to kids acting up all was think a good old smack will stop the little sods . But in this day an age you cant hit kids l remember ones in my local shopping centre i had a kid about 10 to 12 years old came up to me he said move out the way you fat barsted at that pont i felt like knocking his lights out. But if i had i would be in the wrong the worst bit was i think he was they on his own could not see him mother about any way . Kids these days have know respect for us older ones dread the day when they become adults cant control them as kids what they going to be like when they all grown up.

 

[Sensei]

You are honest with your feelings and you need to vent. Fine. Now, you say that you didn't want to have children, but you decided to get children anyway. That's not a revocable decision and now you have to stand by it. Your children are you responsibility and you basically only have two choices: 1) Learn to deal with it. 2) Learn to deal with it.

 

[EmptyArms]

@SinisterKid I'd like to request for this thread to be closed. This is stirring up talk of child abuse.

 

[Cupcake]

Thank God for the dad.

Thanks for the replies! You guys are all so kind on here, I guess I should have known better than to expect hatred on here from any of you. The dad isn't working because he doesn't want to put the kids in day care. He thinks that they are all better off if he takes care of them personally twenty-four-seven. Which isn't a terrible thing to want to do, except it makes our income basically squat because I'm the only one who receives money, so we're all actually below the poverty line. Since they aren't living with me, I rent a room in a house where they all sleep. I know it's not enough, but it's all I can afford. I feel that if he would work, even a little bit and put the kids in day care and if we had even a little bit money so the stress was off me, maybe things would be better, but then, I just don't know. I'm too broken inside to have a family, I think that's the bottom line. And, to the veteran member, you are totally right, they don't owe me anything. They didn't ask to be here, I'm totally aware of that. Sadly, I am becoming less and less involved in their lives. I know it's bad, but it's prob for the best, honestly, as you said. I know they deserve better than I have to give them, and it breaks my heart how I feel, but I just can't help it. I've tried to feel differently, I even went to therapy about it, but I am just too broken and mentally ill to really change. When things are good, they are super good. But, when they are bad, they are really bad. Since I am bipolar, I never know who I'm going to wake up to the next day, speaking about myself. Some days, I don't mind the kids at all, even when they are all whining about one thing or another. But some days, I feel like killing them. Blue Widow, thanks for your reply. And yes, I'm totally with you about being worried about killing them if you ever had them. In fact, that's why I moved. I started having fantasies about killing them, and they were becoming more realistic as time went on and the more depressed I got, so I moved, mostly for my sanity, I must admit, but also really for them. I do worry that they can feel my depression and resentment, especially my eldest. I'm sure she knows how checked out I am. Like, for example, she had her first day of school this year, for kintergarden. I know I should have been feeling excited and crying with bitter sweet tears like so many of the other parents were, but, honestly, I just felt absolutely nothing. Nothing but relief that she was finally going to be gone for six hours a day, but nothing else. And, when she was born, I didn't cry with joy. For me, it was more like, huh, I guess you're here. I didn't feel hatred or resentment when she was born, just an empty, flat nothingness. It was a little better with my second child, as I had her at home and was more relaxed because I wasn't trapped in the stupid hospital, but I wasn't what you would call overjoyed. It was a more neutral feeling, but not utter nothingness. It was the same for my third child.

Thanks for the replies! You guys are all so kind on here, I guess I should have known better than to expect hatred on here from any of you. The dad isn't working because he doesn't want to put the kids in day care. He thinks that they are all better off if he takes care of them personally twenty-four-seven. Which isn't a terrible thing to want to do, except it makes our income basically squat because I'm the only one who receives money, so we're all actually below the poverty line. Since they aren't living with me, I rent a room in a house where they all sleep. I know it's not enough, but it's all I can afford. I feel that if he would work, even a little bit and put the kids in day care and if we had even a little bit money so the stress was off me, maybe things would be better, but then, I just don't know. I'm too broken inside to have a family, I think that's the bottom line. And, to the veteran member, you are totally right, they don't owe me anything. They didn't ask to be here, I'm totally aware of that. Sadly, I am becoming less and less involved in their lives. I know it's bad, but it's prob for the best, honestly, as you said. I know they deserve better than I have to give them, and it breaks my heart how I feel, but I just can't help it. I've tried to feel differently, I even went to therapy about it, but I am just too broken and mentally ill to really change. When things are good, they are super good. But, when they are bad, they are really bad. Since I am bipolar, I never know who I'm going to wake up to the next day, speaking about myself. Some days, I don't mind the kids at all, even when they are all whining about one thing or another. But some days, I feel like killing them. Blue Widow, thanks for your reply. And yes, I'm totally with you about being worried about killing them if you ever had them. In fact, that's why I moved. I started having fantasies about killing them, and they were becoming more realistic as time went on and the more depressed I got, so I moved, mostly for my sanity, I must admit, but also really for them. I do worry that they can feel my depression and resentment, especially my eldest. I'm sure she knows how checked out I am. Like, for example, she had her first day of school this year, for kintergarden. I know I should have been feeling excited and crying with bitter sweet tears like so many of the other parents were, but, honestly, I just felt absolutely nothing. Nothing but relief that she was finally going to be gone for six hours a day, but nothing else. And, when she was born, I didn't cry with joy. For me, it was more like, huh, I guess you're here. I didn't feel hatred or resentment when she was born, just an empty, flat nothingness. It was a little better with my second child, as I had her at home and was more relaxed because I wasn't trapped in the stupid hospital, but I wasn't what you would call overjoyed. It was a more neutral feeling, but not utter nothingness. It was the same for my third child.

Oh, I saw some other replies on here, and I want to apologize for stirring up bad/triggering feelings of child abuse. I didn't mean to do that at all, I just needed to vent since I have nowhere else to talk about my true feelings and be totally honest. If this thread gets closed, I guess it's meant to be. But I truly am sorry for causing any distress and triggers. FYI, the kids are not being abused. They live with their dad, and I do not abuse them. When I know my days are really bad, I just stay away from them. I don't emotionally abuse them, either. I know they probably know I'm checked out and depressed because I just kind of ignore them when they are around because they are so needy and annoying and I don't have the mental energy for them, but I never abuse them. I moved away to avoid doing that very thing because my mom physically and emotionally abused me, and I know how rotten that feels and how damaging it is. It's part of why I want to CTB also, having been abused and even abandoned for an entire year as a child. Again, I do apologize for offending and triggering some on here. I guess I shouldn't have made this post. It's just been such a rotten day.

 

[Farmmaa]

@SinisterKid I'd like to request for this thread to be closed. This is stirring up talk of child abuse.

I'm sorry that it is bring up bad memories for you, but everyone is entitled to post about their issues.

The good thing about the internet is that you can simply choose not to read things that bother you.

 

[Sensei]

Since I am bipolar, I never know who I'm going to wake up to the next day, speaking about myself.

Ah, there we have it. I'm bipolar too, more precisely bipolar II. Do you get proper medication? Without it, you can't live anything resembling a normal life. If you're not already aware of it, we are much more sensitive to stress than the general population and that's probably the reason you're having problems coping with your children. Also, your bipolarity is at least a contributing factor to why you're here. The suicide frequency for us is around 20 % so we have built-in suicidal tendencies, so to speak. I know, f**'k do I know, how difficult it is, but you must try to conquer your illness. Before you solve that problem it will be very difficult for you to solve your other problems.

 

[EmptyArms]

I'm sorry that it is bring up bad memories for you, but everyone is entitled to post about their issues.

The good thing about the internet is that you can simply choose not to read things that bother you.

Massive assumption there. I dont think people talking about verbally, physically and emotionally abusing children is just a benign topic of conversation, especially if there is a tone of it being acceptable and understandable. It's not ok to abuse children. A fact which no doubt many who come here can attest.

 

[Cupcake]

Ah, there we have it. I'm bipolar too, more precisely bipolar II. Do you get proper medication? Without it, you can't live anything resembling a normal life. If you're not already aware of it, we are much more sensitive to stress than the general population and that's probably the reason you're having problems coping with your children. Also, your bipolarity is at least a contributing factor to why you're here. The suicide frequency for us is around 20 % so we have built-in suicidal tendencies, so to speak. I know, f**'k do I know, how difficult it is, but you must try to conquer your illness. Before you solve that problem it will be very difficult for you to solve your other problems.

Hello dear Sensei, thank you for your kind replies. I love the quote at the end of your posts about your life revolving around not dying. That's exactly how I feel on a daily basis. I have bipolar type 1, which is worse than type 2. And, though I've tried medications, they all make me very sick, agitated, lethargic, but never actually help with my symptoms. So, no, currently I am not in treatment for it. I gave up the ghost after two hospitalizations, a shit ton of therapy sessions, and meds that made me wish I was dead because of how physically nasty sick I felt. One of them almost made me faint, it was respiridone. So, I'm far from conquering my illness, and, because of that, I am making no headway with my kids, except when I'm manic and everything and everyone is wonderful. But I am depressed way more than manic, so usually my life sucks. It is primarily the reason I want to CTB now, though severe poverty andp ast traumas also play a roll in it, too. Empty Arms, I'm deeply sorry you got triggered by this post. As I've said, my kids are not being abused in any way. I am checked out and I'm sure they can tell I'm severely depressed and not with it half the time, but I just stay away from them and everyone, in general, on my worst days. I can't offer you any other comforting words, I'm sorry. I guess I should have put a trigger warning before I posted this, lesson learned. I know what it's like to be triggered, as I've been abused myself, and there's nothing that can be done when a trigger is already started. I'm truly sorry! I hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs if ok. Veteran member, thank you for what you said about people being allowed to share feelings on here. I truly appreciate that. Sorry this is all on one line. I'm blind, use a screen reader, and it's very hard to write on here. My threads disappear if I have parragraphs, so this is why this post is one, big wall. My blindness plays a roll in my stress and inability to really deal with my kids, too, I think, but the bipolar's much worse than my blindness, for sure!

 

[Sensei]

Hello dear Sensei, thank you for your kind replies. I love the quote at the end of your posts about your life revolving around not dying. That's exactly how I feel on a daily basis. I have bipolar type 1, which is worse than type 2. And, though I've tried medications, they all make me very sick, agitated, lethargic, but never actually help with my symptoms. So, no, currently I am not in treatment for it. I gave up the ghost after two hospitalizations, a shit ton of therapy sessions, and meds that made me wish I was dead because of how physically nasty sick I felt. One of them almost made me faint, it was respiridone. So, I'm far from conquering my illness, and, because of that, I am making no headway with my kids, except when I'm manic and everything and everyone is wonderful. But I am depressed way more than manic, so usually my life sucks. It is primarily the reason I want to CTB now, though severe poverty andp ast traumas also play a roll in it, too.

I think you already know that medication has to be taylored to every individual, that problems with medicines are common, and that it usually takes many attempts to find the right ones. I can understand that you're tired of trying out medicines, but you can't give up. There's basically total consensus that the only really effective treatment is medication and that you can't live a funtional life without it. For your sake and for your children's sake, you must give treatment a second chance.

For the record, the suicide rate is higher for bipolar disorder II than for bipolar disorder I, so it's not "bipolar disorder light" by any means.

Empty Arms, I'm deeply sorry you got triggered by this post. As I've said, my kids are not being abused in any way. I am checked out and I'm sure they can tell I'm severely depressed and not with it half the time, but I just stay away from them and everyone, in general, on my worst days. I can't offer you any other comforting words, I'm sorry. I guess I should have put a trigger warning before I posted this, lesson learned. I know what it's like to be triggered, as I've been abused myself, and there's nothing that can be done when a trigger is already started. I'm truly sorry! I hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs if ok. Veteran member, thank you for what you said about people being allowed to share feelings on here. I truly appreciate that. Sorry this is all on one line. I'm blind, use a screen reader, and it's very hard to write on here. My threads disappear if I have parragraphs, so this is why this post is one, big wall. My blindness plays a roll in my stress and inability to really deal with my kids, too, I think, but the bipolar's much worse than my blindness, for sure!

Wow! You're a real fighter! I actually have a relative in the US who is blind and nevertheless has an important state office. (I don't want to disclose what kind of office, because I think it's healthy with some paranoia online.) She uses a screen reader just like you and she types faster than me, and I'm really fast.