KyussEatsTheSun
Member
- Jul 14, 2021
- 12
Another visit to the psychiatrist today. My trintellix started making my depression and anxiety symptoms worse - exactly like all of my previous antidepressant medication. I'm going to try a new medication and see if that helps. Here's the fun part - I really don't give a flying fuck anymore. I'm just putting on airs so nobody suspects what I'm planning to do. I have 100 grams of SN under my bed in a bottle relabeled "guitar pickup cleaner" in case the girlfriend finds it. I have Tagamet to reduce the stomach acid now I'm planning to go to the PCP to get the antiemetic - I wish I didn't have to at all but I'm not sure about this online pharmacy crap. I'm so fucking good at faking being okay. Done it my whole life. I've already fully disclosed to the closest people in my life that I'm highly suicidal. The thing that disturbs me is how tweaked they get when I talk about my issues - the intensity, duration, and frequency is very high. They may not show exactly how concerned they are but my girlfriend especially has expressed how worried she gets and my woes are just another thing to add to her pile. I'm convinced I should be dead. I don't care. Suicide hotlines are useless - I've called enough to know the script. I don't see genuine concern from psyche doctors (here's another pill to try). Therapy illuminates the truly shitty parts of myself that I either have tried to change and failed or simply don't want to change or can't change. Learning about the realities of this world is too much to bear (what the hell does a person like me know about reality anyway?) My interest in finding "real human connection" has gone to the abyss. So - social anxiety is crippling as well . Talking to anyone except my girl frightens me or at the best makes me extremely uncomfortable. By the way, forcing myself to be social more often never makes me feel better. The only time I feel better is when it's over and I'm back home. My mind finds humanity to be an enormous threat to my well-being. Even long established friends are not discriminated against in my mind. Yet, I love to put on that fake ass smile and laugh and pretend to be ok throughout conversation. I am excited to die - nervous - I never asked to be born and have to deal with any of this. I believe I can take control of my life by taking it myself. Yippee kiy yay mother fucker.
