calloftheabyss
Member
- Aug 30, 2023
- 13
I reorganized my apartment again. It feels more like mine and less like the home I built with my ex fiancée. I miss her presence, but I can't help but think she never really cared to begin with. She's taken this is stride, though I can tell her motives are purely emotional. I'm getting into magic and crystals and shit. Idk, something about being one with nature resonates with me. It may just be the idea of a dirt nap that I find appealing. I have to learn to live alone though. I suck at stress management, dealing with the silence. It's hard to find new hobbies though, nothing is interesting anymore. I know I'll end my own life someday, especially if I can't learn to be happy with myself. I don't even know how to make friends anymore. I was worse at handling my emotions and depression a few years ago, but I was always the center of the party. Now, I feel like my extroversion has ran out. I don't need to be alone in this, but I don't know how to have the energy to change it. Depression is vicious, it gets worse if your isolated and inactive, but that's all it makes you do. How do you escape that cycle? I've been forcing myself to go to the gym, eat healthy, get sunlight. I'm even trying to get into hobbies and make friends but I just feel so lost. I feel like the last man on a life boat lost at sea. I work, go to the gym, and try to find enjoyment in anything, and that's it. The whole of my life, wrapped in a boring little bow. I can't help but think I'd barely be missed. My funeral would consist of family that never calls, and friends that don't even know me anymore. They'd swear they cared, but where are they now? The only reason I'm still here now is my brother calls me often, and he's really the only one I'm scared of hurting. I can't help but feel my time is running out though. I've written so many letters recently, time and time again to only the same two people.
