Help Yesterday I made a post about how I was going to CTB once some stuff I ordered came in. Now I don't feel *as* suicidal, just hurt and scared.

[To-Equestria]

It just hurts so much. You know? I wish I wasn't so scared of living or dying to the point where I could choose to live or die, and I guess I'm choosing to live since I'm making a post in here and inviting well wishes rather than making a post in the suicide discussion part of the forum. I just wish this world was as nice as Equestria is, or at least that I could be trans and autistic without feeling like I don't belong anywhere and that I can't fit in to this world.

I kinda got sent into a panic spiral a few days ago when I'd been confronted with the idea that I might fail at my second attempt at starting a career and that fear got amplified so much I felt so much despair that I wanted to die to stop it all.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate. I feel like I need kind words and encouragement more than anything else. I'm just so scared of what'll happen if I fail at this (starting new career) and have to move back in to my parents or something only for them to rub salt in the wound and go back to treating me like before.

I'm scared of calling any helplines or telling any of my family because I don't want to go an in-patient facility, the first time was bad enough and I wasn't even suicidal when I was admitted then. (I did make a gesture to try and elicit some kind of love or concern or something from my mom, but I guess I should've known better since I had to call the cops on her shortly after I did that.) Maybe I'll tell that story a later time, with certain details made vague/changed/left out ofc, to get it off my chest.

I just hope that one day, whenever my time comes, I'll cross the bridge to Equestria. I know what everyone else takes CTB to mean, but I prefer "Cross The Bridge" since it reminds me of loved pets and animals. And it also makes me feel somewhat like Megan Williams from G1 MLP even though she didn't go to Pony Land on a rainbow bridge, but she does carry the rainbow of light.

I should probably find a therapist and a psychiatrist.

 

[andaira2k]

Hey To-Equestria,
you reconsidering your choices is a good sign in my opinion and I am very proud of you for sharing this with us!
I can totally feel you and understand, that once the choice is "in your face", it's even harder to choose which way to go now and that is very normal.
But about your second attempt for your career: I think you should atleast try it, as you can't hit any of the shots you don't take. If you choose the other direction, you would not be able to find out, if it will work out or not. Even if things to south, there will always be a path for you somewhere, I am sure about that.
How about your friends or other people in your area? I am sure that there are other people around you, who will respect you for who you are.
I don't know how your relation to your parents are, but I think you can find a solution for that. And don't be scared of helplines or venting to people you trust. Everybody gets to a point some time, where they want to "stop it all", but don't let anybody ruin your thoughts, if they don't understand you.
I am more than sure, that you will soon cross the bridge to Equestria, maybe even with your new career ;D
Life can be like a roller coaster, it goes up and down and now it's time for yours to go up again :)
And of course you can always feel free to share your thoughts here!
Best of luck :)

 

[UserSeven]

I understand what this is like. I was once in your position also. (Had stuff ordered and sat under my bed etc) but I reached out and put myself out there and was able to make some friends who showed me a better side to life. Everything has its ups and downs but reaching out will be the best thing to help you grow stronger. I'm really sorry you ever had to feel this way in the first place, but considering you haven't taken any action lets us all know you're stronger than you may believe, my friend. And that says a lot <3 keep your head and spirits high

 

[To-Equestria]

I understand what this is like. I was once in your position also. (Had stuff ordered and sat under my bed etc) but I reached out and put myself out there and was able to make some friends who showed me a better side to life. Everything has its ups and downs but reaching out will be the best thing to help you grow stronger. I'm really sorry you ever had to feel this way in the first place, but considering you haven't taken any action lets us all know you're stronger than you may believe, my friend. And that says a lot <3 keep your head and spirits high

Part of it is self preservation instinct coming in clutch, other part of it is a deep fear that "what if i'm wrong about what i think the afterlife is like" or "what if the afterlife hates me because I killed myself to get there." It feels silly that that's my reasons to keep trying and not because of other reasons, but that's what's keeping me going right now

 

[Tobacco]

Hiii pony friend .

You should give starting a new career a try. Sadly it's harder than I thought. It's currently what I'm trying to do. Web development proved to be more complex than what I imagined.

By the way, have you ever been in the FiM anniversary streams?

 

[andaira2k]

Hiii pony friend .

You should give starting a new career a try. Sadly it's harder than I thought. It's currently what I'm trying to do. Web development proved to be more complex than what I imagined.

By the way, have you ever been in the FiM anniversary streams?

Good luck with that!
With high risk comes high reward ;p

 

[To-Equestria]

Hiii pony friend .

You should give starting a new career a try. Sadly it's harder than I thought. It's currently what I'm trying to do. Web development proved to be more complex than what I imagined.

By the way, have you ever been in the FiM anniversary streams?

I haven't. And the thing is, I'm in training and made some big decisions to get the training which involved moving out of my parent's house and my trainer/mentor told me she's not sure if I can do my chosen career safely which sent me into a panic-crisis-thing over the weekend because I have no idea what to do now if not the training.

 

[ShadowSleeper]

Hey you, I saw your post yesterday and was wondering about you this morning. It's okay to change your mind. And I hope you're doing okay as can be today

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I want to make one thing incredibly clear though: you DO have a place in the world, regardless of being trans or autistic or anything you might be into. People that make you feel otherwise are just showing how shallow and hollow their own lives actually are, to need the meager sense of power trying to make you feel small gives them. You think your life isn't enviable, but I say you are better off being who you are then being someone that craves something that pathetic that desperately. I'm glad you're here, the people that are accepting and kind and unique are who actually make the world worth being a part of.

I do think you should share that story you mentioned sometime when you are comfortable doing so. As well as any other negative stories. Talking about them can be a good way to purge the poisoning of our souls keeping them locked inside can accomplish. The act of putting things out there in itself, plus the ability to get support and feedback, can be truly cathartic. You don't have to be alone with the pain those stories caused. It may take vulnerability to share and I know that can be scary as hell, but it will be worth it for the good it can do for you.

I like your bridge metaphor btw. J agree that does sound nicer, has a better visual to it in my mind.

It's hard to offer specific solutions as far as what is going on with your situation, but I will say make it a point to focus on the few things that make you most happy and go all in. Don't care what anyone else thinks, it isn't for them anyway. Can do wonders for finding your center and a sense of inner peace. Remember, only you actually get to define you. Everyone else trying to is just noise; don't validate what they say by caring. You have a worth inside you they didn't make and can never take from you. See that and own it. Believe it, because you deserve to and because it's simply true. You're in my thoughts.