Yep, I failed in getting better

[September5th]

Don't know if you remember me, but I made a post a couple of months ago saying that I was going to try to get better and stuff.
Well, I failed. Miserably. I'm not over my ex (I just did the favor of checking her social media and seeing someone who is probably one of the guys she's been dating), I fucked up my college year, my relationship with my mom is shit (it got to the point where I punched a window), I'm broke and depressed. The only difference from that time is that I'm not dating or kissing anyone anymore, since I don't have the energy for it anymore.
I'm beyond fixing. There's literally nothing that can change my chaotic situation right now.
I'm really sorry for my friends and my family, but there's nothing I can do. Medicine sucks, by the way.
I'm not as miserable as I used to be a couple of months ago, but that's because I'm no longer caring. I'm just accepting the situation. Happiness is just not for everyone.

I'm not planning any kind of death right now. But it will happen and that's fine. I just want that sweet peace and I won't be getting it here.
How you've been doing? If you want more details, I can share with you :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry your efforts to improve your life didn't pan out. It really sucks when they don't pay a return as happened with me as well. But if I may be so bold to as advise something: I understand that you're feeling apathetic, but do be careful about self-sabotage if you're not truly certain about suicide. From experience you don't want to find yourself having to repair damage you allowed to be done to your life.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

The same happen to me. Now I am sure that I want to die. I just dont know how

 

[FuneralCry]

I do see life as being very disappointing and I understand just wanting peace. To me there doesn't seem to be any peace in this life, as long as we exist there is always the chance of things getting worse and causing us to suffer more. I could never want to live in a world like this no matter what, the thing that I have a problem with is life itself.

 

[makethepainstop]

Share, because on this forum, we are all hurting. Each and everyone of us. I hope peace and comfort come your way.
For some life is like Disneyland, for some of us like is an unending torture session. I hope you can one day find peace.

 

[thebunny]

pretty much on the same boat as you. can't get over their ex and failed miserably on trying to be better. tried going to therapy and got some happy pills, but they all didn't work. i've accepted that i'm a lost cause already and though it still hurts, i'm okay with it. i hope we all find our peace soon somehow because everyday is getting a tad bit harder to bear.

 

[September5th]

Thank you all for the nice words. The point is, we can all keep trying and trying to get better, but nothing will change, because the foundations of our lives suck. It's the sad reality.
My problem has always been that I kept trying to improve. I had some kind of hope. But life proved me wrong again and again. I had a lot of fun last year, but what was my life like before that? Sucked balls. I'm in this loop where my life is absolute shit, something good happens, my hope rises and then I'm fucked up again. It's been that way for so many years... What happened this time is that I finally got tired of it.
There will be no happy ending because we live in the real world and this reality owes us nothing. Last year I got a taste of what it's like to have a more active social life, a girlfriend, a job... I can't just go back to who I was, because it's too mediocre. But despite my best efforts, I can't get out of this hole I've gotten myself into. So I accepted mediocrity again? I think so. I just haven't killed myself yet out of pure ego. I don't want them to see me as weak. But soon that won't matter to me either (thanks for the advice LaVieEnRose, btw).
I am mentally a wreck. My parents are good people, but they were terrible parents. This guides my intrapersonal relationships to this day. I feel disposable, because I really am. My ex approached in July and I thought we could be friends again, until she disappeared in August. I understand that she did it for her own good and I'm even glad she got over me, but it was a dick move. She was my best friend and still betrayed my feelings, when she could have left me alone from the start. Seeing her happy and possibly with other people drains some of my energy. But the point is, I'm disposable to everyone. Even my mother kicked me out of the house. All I have is this shitty college course, which I hate. Still life never tires of hitting me. To give you an idea, about a month ago I was robbed. They took what little money I had.

So I frankly give up. I hope to be dead by September of next year and I'm at peace with that, unlike back then.