Venting Yeah i made my choice, im going to ctb next year

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I just got back with a psychiatrist and I literally told them everything that I've been struggling with, with BPD, depression, anxiety, everything. I was worried I was misdiagnosed or that I think I have something else, but they dismissed it first appointment. I am actually done with going to a doctor and going to therapy. The worst part is that I saw this coming. 10 fucking years of hospital visits, only to be shot down again with my problems. I was really hoping to get something out of this, but it failed. The only thing I got were medications. I will take them to see if it makes my last moments a bit bearable. I never tried wellbutrin before.

I hate that I have to do all of this for myself. Every single time I get more and more tired. I'm tired of being the only person doing all of this for myself. I hate that I'm an adult. I hate growing up. I wish I died when I was a child. I REGRET not dying as a child. Now I'm too aware of everything and every single day it's like it's hell on fucking earth. I have no future that I'm working for anymore, I'm just a pure consumer of shit. When I run out of things to do, I'm just going to do it.

I'm going to ctb next year because now that I am CONFIDENT I'm going to do it now. Also the plan for next month doesn't seem right for me. I want to at least get all the movies I wanted to watch and the books I wanted to read out of the way, the foods that I wanna try for the first and last time, places I wanna go to, it's gonna be how I want it. I think I might live thru my last birthday, which I'll be turning 23. I refuse to age past 25 cuz that's when it's actual hell being depressed.

I'm probably not going to make a suicide note cuz who the fuck reads those anymore, I'm probably gonna give my things to my family, tho I think that's gonna hurt a lot. No one can say I haven't tried tho. At least when I'm laid to rest it's forever.

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

Hello, I decided I could help you get prepared with 4 methods so that you are prepared for the day and don't do something which has a low survival rate like cutting your neck.
Firearms - Self explanatory, shoot yourself in the head once or twice, has the highest death rate.
Hanging - One of the most famous and common methods, make a specific knot (for example Noose or Slipknot,) and put yourself through the knot, and within 5 seconds you've passed out. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/how-to-hang-yourself.1183/
Sodium Nitrite - A chemical which can kill you in around 30 minutes, a specific dose being LD 50, and careful storing. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-megathread.1156/
Night-night method - A method where you choke yourself with cornhole bags on two parts of the lungs, you pass out within 20 seconds. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/the-night-night-method-mega-thread.6834/

 

[bedhead_baby]

I understand. Spending the money and time to try to get better as an adult is ridiculous and exhausting. Childhood is supposed to prepare you for this, but rarely does, so we're stuck trying to teach ourselves everything from square one.

While I hope you find something to live for, maybe it's a blessing in disguise to have such confidence and comfort in a plan to die. I also have books I want to read before I die, and it's the only thing that brings me any semblance of joy. But a lot of people live saying "maybe later," or assuming they have more time, so doing all the things you want right now might make for a somewhat fun time, at least for now.

I also don't plan to live past 25, but I hope we can both keep finding things to look forward to. My dad has told me a lot of stories of stuff he just......did. Like just driving states over for the hell of it, or doing wild dangerous shit in his car. I wouldn't go that far, but I've definitely stopped to think "why not? why can't I just do that?" Usually in reference to going to a store or park alone since I have no friends. But why not? I want to get ice cream at midnight and dance to music in my place, why not? I want to go to a bookstore 20 miles away by myself, why not? I typically don't enjoy things even if I was excited to go, but the decision itself to just go do something can be fun. I know my examples were goofy, but I'm not a very interesting person.

Tldr; I think it's good to get out and just do the things you want to do, and not picturing a future can help the present seem less depressing or scary. Things suck right now, but maybe there's a sliver of good in it all. I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

I understand. Spending the money and time to try to get better as an adult is ridiculous and exhausting. Childhood is supposed to prepare you for this, but rarely does, so we're stuck trying to teach ourselves everything from square one.

While I hope you find something to live for, maybe it's a blessing in disguise to have such confidence and comfort in a plan to die. I also have books I want to read before I die, and it's the only thing that brings me any semblance of joy. But a lot of people live saying "maybe later," or assuming they have more time, so doing all the things you want right now might make for a somewhat fun time, at least for now.

I also don't plan to live past 25, but I hope we can both keep finding things to look forward to. My dad has told me a lot of stories of stuff he just......did. Like just driving states over for the hell of it, or doing wild dangerous shit in his car. I wouldn't go that far, but I've definitely stopped to think "why not? why can't I just do that?" Usually in reference to going to a store or park alone since I have no friends. But why not? I want to get ice cream at midnight and dance to music in my place, why not? I want to go to a bookstore 20 miles away by myself, why not? I typically don't enjoy things even if I was excited to go, but the decision itself to just go do something can be fun. I know my examples were goofy, but I'm not a very interesting person.

Tldr; I think it's good to get out and just do the things you want to do, and not picturing a future can help the present seem less depressing or scary. Things suck right now, but maybe there's a sliver of good in it all. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Thank you but I've already made my decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so tiring what you've had to endure, to me it's certainly understandable wishing to finally be free from all the suffering, I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[theboy]

I am happy for you. You are brave because you keep fighting in spite of all the bullshit you have

 

[bedhead_baby]

Thank you but I've already made my decision.

I understand. I hope you find peace

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's always good to have plan and being confident with it. There's still enough time to evaluate the situation. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace!!