i feel this to my core
i cant even express how frustrating it is to see everyone else in my family living way better lives... while i sit here and rot with no way easy way out
both my sisters and my mom are married in 5+ year relationships, none of them have jobs- they literally just have to ask their husbands lol
they all have antidepressants or *some* kind of pill that helps, they either dont need therapy or already 'graduated' from it
they get to be happy
meanwhile the only relationships ive been in were toxic as fuck- from both sides, im no saint- and left me with oodles of unchecked trauma i still havent figure out how to process
including one of my exes literally threatening to kill herself and blame me for her suicide and another literally telling me to kill myself
that alone has terrified me to the point of being unable to trust people anymore
ive also been on at least a dozen antidepressants, none of which actually helped
im starting my 5th year of therapy on my 4th therapist and its made zero difference in my life
not to mention i dont have an income... i only have foodstamps, and that means when im missing an essential i literally just have to live without it
no heater the past few years and its especially bad this year
tried to get a job but im so unstable i cant even get myself to leave the house anymore, let alone maintain a job
plus, no money means no car (dont even know how to drive lol was never taught) and also means my ability to use public transportation is limited, too
so im not even sure how im supposed to *get* to a job if i even manage to find one
my point being
my life is infinitely worse than a majority of my family's... and i still have to sit there and listen to my sister tell me 'oh, well we had the same fucked up childhood, that means we have the same mental illnesses!' 'oh, i think giving up is STUPID, you have so much POTENTIAL' 'oh, well when *I* struggled with something, I JUST DID IT ANYWAY HAHA' while she sits there in her fucking two bedroom apartment with her boyfriend that pays all her bills for her... its frustrating
really frustrating
its part of why i hate holiday seasons so fucking much
i cant relate
everyones there talking about all this good shit happening in their life while the best thing that happened to me in the past year is i decided to just let myself suffer instead of cutting myself again lmao
and if i ever vent those frustrations? im treated like shit for not 'appreciating what i have'
as if i have anything at all
i know what that shit feels like
keeping my fingers crossed either the SN works and you finally get some peace from all this bullshit, or your life turns around and you get to brag to that same cousin how great *your* life is going instead
either way
you deserve some peace from it, you deserve to finally be happy, and if this world was a just place youd have both already
good luck on that bus
