Writing out a final suicide letter detailing everything.

[SMmetalhead36]

I purchased a durable journal and I'll be writing out a lengthy suicide letter that's approximately 30 pages. This time around I do not want any failed attempts, but rather a successful completed suicide. I accepted the fact that I'll never have peace here and when my life flashed before me during my failed attempt was an unimaginable peace that came over me that I know I'll never have here. One of my children is an adult and one is almost there and one is 8 and she will be fine because my husband will care for her and I'll make sure they're squared away before I go (all girls by the way). I have accepted the fact that I cannot overcome the horrible childhood trauma of physical, sexual, mental, and verbal abuse that has forced me to make shitty decisions regarding relationships, causing me further trauma, regret, embarrassment and shame. With all that said, I tried to make the best of life, I managed to work my ass off graduate high school, get through college, earn multiple degrees (one while battling alcohol and drug addiction), all while raising a family. At the end of the day no can say I didn't give life my all. Now, my flame is burned out and I have officially lost my battle to depression and I don't want to do life any longer. I found solace and support in everyone on this site regardless if we agreed to disagree or not. I'll keep everyone posted on my journey each passing day up till my departure.v

 

[Traveller12724]

I purchased a durable journal and I'll be writing out a lengthy suicide letter that's approximately 30 pages. This time around I do not want any failed attempts, but rather a successful completed suicide. I accepted the fact that I'll never have peace here and when my life flashed before me during my failed attempt was an unimaginable peace that came over me that I know I'll never have here. One of my children is an adult and one is almost there and one is 8 and she will be fine because my husband will care for her and I'll make sure they're squared away before I go (all girls by the way). I have accepted the fact that I cannot overcome the horrible childhood trauma of physical, sexual, mental, and verbal abuse that has forced me to make shitty decisions regarding relationships, causing me further trauma, regret, embarrassment and shame. With all that said, I tried to make the best of life, I managed to work my ass off graduate high school, get through college, earn multiple degrees (one while battling alcohol and drug addiction), all while raising a family. At the end of the day no can say I didn't give life my all. Now, my flame is burned out and I have officially lost my battle to depression and I don't want to do life any longer. I found solace and support in everyone on this site regardless if we agreed to disagree or not. I'll keep everyone posted on my journey each passing day up till my departure.v

Are you scared at all ? I mean after your life flashing before you on the last attempt, didn't you develop a fear inside of what if I can never actually go through with this ? That fear was the worst thing that happened after my failed attempt 11 years ago, but I think I was naive back then and didn't truly understand life, now that I do, I feel the same exact way you feel, I gave it my all and lost, not battle defeated but lost the war defeated, my time is getting closer as well in a few months, safe travels to you, find the peace you seek.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Are you scared at all ? I mean after your life flashing before you on the last attempt, didn't you develop a fear inside of what if I can never actually go through with this ? That fear was the worst thing that happened after my failed attempt 11 years ago, but I think I was naive back then and didn't truly understand life, now that I do, I feel the same exact way you feel, I gave it my all and lost, not battle defeated but lost the war defeated, my time is getting closer as well in a few months, safe travels to you, find the peace you seek.

I was a little at first, but now I'm not. I realized that I find no joy in anything any longer, my husband will not love me unconditionally the way I long to be loved ( and I'm ok with this), I've set horrible examples with the types of dating patterns I chosen for my girls and this fucks with me the most because I chose to procreate and marry (the first one) and have 2 of my 3 girls with him ( the teenagers), its so much shit that I cannot type here. I feel like my only escape is death. Thanks so much for reaching out and wishing me the best.

 

[Traveller12724]

If you were to go back to your early years, would you skip on having kids then ? Because it sounds like you feel like you propagated some of the misery of your life to your kids, I guess that's why I have never thought about ever even having kids, I always felt like a good ending to my life would be a privilege and I was right, there was no scenario where I could have a good end, so it's fitting that I will be going out this way. Can I ask why you are ok with your husband not loving you the way you long to be loved ?

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I love them with everything, but I would have chose different men, but seeing the state of the world now, yes I would have skipped on having them altogether. You hit the nail on the head with saying I propagated some of the misery on them. The reason I stated that is because I have tried for years to get him to be the man I once loved 10+ years ago. We were both broken when we met, I came as a package deal with 2 kids and he accepted me like that. He was off and on with work and I accepted him because he was trying. It was short lived. Overtime the affection faded, we stopped communicating, he didn't look for work and everything fell on me. I became burned out. In front of people when I attempted to hug or kiss him he'd push me away and as embarrassing as it was I'd have to laugh it off. This resulted in a split and I fell into the arms of a more volatile man which I winded up leaving. We got back together and he vowed to love me even more. Once again short lived. He continues to do the same thing not looking for work or even to take classes, nothing. Still no affection ( only if he wants sex), he doesn't complement me, he's not very helpful with our 8 year old daughter, everything falls on me and I'm burned out. So now I don't beg him for any affection anymore nor do I try to get his attention. With that said, I get shut up affection now ( let me kiss her and hug her so I can keep her quiet) this has happened before. So now, I told him I know your love comes with boundaries and I know you will never love me like I long to be loved and since I'm so beaten, broke down, worthless, useless, damaged beyond repair no other man will love me either so I'm going to make him a widow. It seems when I was hospitalized I was more respected and when I'm here, I'm nonexistent. I'm just tired.

 

[Traveller12724]

I love them with everything, but I would have chose different men, but seeing the state of the world now, yes I would have skipped on having them altogether. You hit the nail on the head with saying I propagated some of the misery on them. The reason I stated that is because I have tried for years to get him to be the man I once loved 10+ years ago. We were both broken when we met, I came as a package deal with 2 kids and he accepted me like that. He was off and on with work and I accepted him because he was trying. It was short lived. Overtime the affection faded, we stopped communicating, he didn't look for work and everything fell on me. I became burned out. In front of people when I attempted to hug or kiss him he'd push me away and as embarrassing as it was I'd have to laugh it off. This resulted in a split and I fell into the arms of a more volatile man which I winded up leaving. We got back together and he vowed to love me even more. Once again short lived. He continues to do the same thing not looking for work or even to take classes, nothing. Still no affection ( only if he wants sex), he doesn't complement me, he's not very helpful with our 8 year old daughter, everything falls on me and I'm burned out. So now I don't beg him for any affection anymore nor do I try to get his attention. With that said, I get shut up affection now ( let me kiss her and hug her so I can keep her quiet) this has happened before. So now, I told him I know your love comes with boundaries and I know you will never love me like I long to be loved and since I'm so beaten, broke down, worthless, useless, damaged beyond repair no other man will love me either so I'm going to make him a widow. It seems when I was hospitalized I was more respected and when I'm here, I'm nonexistent. I'm just tired.

I can definitely feel your exhaustion, I am really sorry things ended up this way, it's a shame really, you did put up a good fight. I hope everything works out as you wish then, safe travels! I will be around for a little while, feel free to message if you ever need to talk to a friendly stranger on here. Best of luck!

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Thanks so much. I will definitely keep this in mind. This site has provided me with a safe space to vent and chat with like minded people without being judged.