Venting Wow, I'm seriously struggling to hold on due to my physical conditions

[Rubypie41]

Not sure how much longer I can endure my physical ear conditions that are torturing me day and night, I've lost everything as a result and my mind can't take it for much longer.

I've submitted my application with Pegasos 3 weeks ago and they said applications are taking around 6-8 weeks currently.

I have all I need for SN method or a slightly modified DDMA method, but both scare the crap out of me. Partly because I'm not sure how peaceful they are, but also because I don't want to fail and become a cabbage along with still having these chronic and torturous ear conditions, that would be catastrophic.

When living in a country where assisted dying is not an option and you're suffering from incurable, debilitating, painful and torturous conditions, you soon realise just how fucking scary this world is to be left trapped that way and nobody will do a damn thing to help put you out of your misery. It's absolutely terrifying, hence why I don't want to fail and also be a cabbage and still have my ear conditions too. Humans and society are cruel as fuck in these situations. The system just doesn't work.

Seriously hope my Pegasos application is approved, but the wait is killing me. Getting through a single day feels like a month and I've still got another 3-5 weeks until I know if I've been approved.

I'm trying not to take Diazepam or Oxycodone as much as possible due to how addictive they are and the problems they can cause, again in fear of just adding more problems to my already troubled existence. But some days I'm thinking fuck it, I'll just get fucked up on Diazepam or Oxycodone because I've had enough.

This is one tough battle.

Almost broke my knuckles today punching a wall repeatedly in anger and frustration.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent as I'm in a bad way.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

Not sure how much longer I can endure my physical ear conditions that are torturing me day and night, I've lost everything as a result and my mind can't take it for much longer.

I've submitted my application with Pegasos 3 weeks ago and they said applications are taking around 6-8 weeks currently.

I have all I need for SN method or a slightly modified DDMA method, but both scare the crap out of me. Partly because I'm not sure how peaceful they are, but also because I don't want to fail and become a cabbage along with still having these chronic and torturous ear conditions, that would be catastrophic.

When living in a country where assisted dying is not an option and you're suffering from incurable, debilitating, painful and torturous conditions, you soon realise just how fucking scary this world is to be left trapped that way and nobody will do a damn thing to help put you out of your misery. It's absolutely terrifying, hence why I don't want to fail and also be a cabbage and still have my ear conditions too. Humans and society are cruel as fuck in these situations. The system just doesn't work.

Seriously hope my Pegasos application is approved, but the wait is killing me. Getting through a single day feels like a month and I've still got another 3-5 weeks until I know if I've been approved.

I'm trying not to take Diazepam or Oxycodone as much as possible due to how addictive they are and the problems they can cause, again in fear of just adding more problems to my already troubled existence. But some days I'm thinking fuck it, I'll just get fucked up on Diazepam or Oxycodone because I've had enough.

This is one tough battle.

Almost broke my knuckles today punching a wall repeatedly in anger and frustration.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent as I'm in a bad way.

You're so lucky you have a recognised medical condition that allows you to apply to Pegasos. I have a problem with my nose due to nasal spray overuse (I think we've exchanged messages before) but I have no diagnosis of a condition hence I can't apply for assisted suicide. It's SN for me unfortunately.

Best of luck with your application! Have you told family and friends that you've applied?

Keep us updated as to the status of your application.

 

[Rubypie41]

You're so lucky you have a recognised medical condition that allows you to apply to Pegasos. I have a problem with my nose due to nasal spray overuse (I think we've exchanged messages before) but I have no diagnosis of a condition hence I can't apply for assisted suicide. It's SN for me unfortunately.

Best of luck with your application! Have you told family and friends that you've applied?

Keep us updated as to the status of your application.

Hi,

Yes we have exchanged messages before and I'm sorry you're in the situation you are in.

I've told my Dad and whilst that's the last thing he wants, he does understand after all I've been through and am still going through.

I will tell the rest of my family if and when my application is approved.

Will keep you posted.

I could do the SN method anytime or modified DDMA method, but any DIY method is scary and carry risks, such as suffering or failing and being left off even worse. That really plays on my mind. But if my Pegasos application is rejected then I'll have no choice.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

Hi,

Yes we have exchanged messages before and I'm sorry you're in the situation you are in.

I've told my Dad and whilst that's the last thing he wants, he does understand after all I've been through and am still going through.

I will tell the rest of my family if and when my application is approved.

Will keep you posted.

I could do the SN method anytime or modified DDMA method, but any DIY method is scary and carry risks, such as suffering or failing and being left off even worse. That really plays on my mind. But if my Pegasos application is rejected then I'll have no choice.

Fingers crossed. Yes, I find the SN method scary too, although the success rates are good (80%+) it's not perfect and I don't look forward to the vomiting.

I've also told my parents. Like your dad that's the last thing they want, but they do understand that I'm really struggling.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best and I hope you application will be approved. Good luck!!

 

[keg-ireland]

What's the issue with your ears? Just asking as my issues are ear related, namely Menieres Disease which causes daily symptoms of severe rotational vertigo, screaming 24/7 tinnitus, nausea, throwing up, head pressure, ear pressure etc.

 

[Rubypie41]

What's the issue with your ears? Just asking as my issues are ear related, namely Menieres Disease which causes daily symptoms of severe rotational vertigo, screaming 24/7 tinnitus, nausea, throwing up, head pressure, ear pressure etc.

That sounds awful and you have my deepest sympathy

Outline of my multiple ear conditions.

In March 2019 I developed an extremely rare ear condition called patulous eustachian tube dysfunction. The tube that connects from the back of your nose to your middle ear space which is responsible for regulating ear pressure became dysfunctional. A normal functioning eustachian tube remains closed at rest and only opens very briefly upon swallowing or yawning. My left eustachian tube became open (patulous), meaning I could hear my own voice and breathing extremely loud. This made communication almost impossible which in turn had a huge impact on my work, social life, relationships and mental well-being.

I've had numerous operations to try and correct the issue but unfortunately this has only made things worse. I've had ear tubes, bioplastique filler injected, shims stitched inside my head etc. all of which have not cured the problem but also introduced further debilitating issues. Due to the permanent filler injected inside the tissues of my eustachian tube (which cannot be taken out) I now get severe ear pain, tinnitus, ear pressure and relentless clicking/popping sounds which mean I cannot think clearly or sleep properly at night.

To add further insult to injury, my right right eustachian tube has also become completely dysfunctional and unable to regulate ear pressure. I get chronic stabbing pains, loud crackling, clicking, strange sensations from within the eustachian tube and on the inside of my face. I'm unable to speak without being in chronic discomfort.

I've had numerous operations, seen every specialist possible, tried counselling, CBT therapy, medications etc, all to no avail. I've literally exhausted all avenues over the last 5 years, but unfortunately there is no cure for these conditions and things have and are getting progressively worse.

I'm at the point now where I have lost everything in my life due to these conditions which are completely outside of my control. I've lost all my friends, zero social life, cannot look after myself, cannot work and recently had to move back home with my elderly parents who are currently looking after me.

There is no cure, no hope and no future for me. I've battled for 5 years but as things have become so severe I've had enough and simply cannot take anymore. These ear conditions are like mental torture on a daily and nightly basis and I want this unbearable suffering to end.

To summarise the issues:

1. Hearing my own voice and breathing (PET) extremely loud in my left ear. This is often unbearable and makes talking/breathing exhaustingly difficult, uncomfortable and painful.

2. Relentless ear clicking/popping that means I cannot concentrate during the day or sleep at night. I literally cannot escape the clicking sounds inside my ears. The clicking is sometimes so loud that other people can hear it externally, so you can only imagine how loud the sounds are to me. When I do eventually get to sleep, I'm then woken up multiple times throughout the night due to the pulsatile tinnitus, tinnitus and relentless ear clicking. This leaves me frantically pacing around the house in the early hours in a complete state of distress as I am unable to sleep or do anything to get these sounds to stop. The lack of sleep leaves me exhausted both physically and mentally.

3. Pressure/pain inside the head where the permanent and non-reversible filler has been injected into the tissues of the eustachian tube.

4. Permanent filler inside the tissues of my eustachian tube meaning it no longer regulates ear pressure correctly.

5. Pulsatile tinnitus in the left ear.

6. Tinnitus in the right ear.

7. Sharp stabbing pains from within the inner ear space, especially when breathing or talking.

8. Unable to communicate without being in severe discomfort/pain.

9. Ear tubes in both eardrums which will maintaining for life and replacing when they fall out, otherwise causing further issues.

10. Unable to work due to the conditions causing lack of sleep, unable to concentrate or communicate without being in pain and distress.

11. Unable to socialise or doing anything physical as this makes the ear symptoms even worse. I've always been a very physically active and sociable person, taking pride in being independent and looking after myself by eating well, going to the gym and exercising, but now none of this is possible.

12. No quality of life and no cure for the conditions I have, despite seeing multiple specialists over the years and trying both therapeutic and surgical procedures.

13. Burden to my elderly parents who are now having to look after me.

14. No future prospects due to the unbearable ear conditions.

15. Having to avoid people wherever I go as it causes too much pain and discomfort trying to engage in conversations.

16. No inner peace due to the relentless clicking, popping, pain, hearing my own voice/breathing crippling loud, stabbing sensations etc.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds so horrific and torturous what you've been through, I find it so hellish how people suffer so unbearably in this existence all through no fault of their own. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[helloleaf]

Not sure how much longer I can endure my physical ear conditions that are torturing me day and night, I've lost everything as a result and my mind can't take it for much longer.

I've submitted my application with Pegasos 3 weeks ago and they said applications are taking around 6-8 weeks currently.

I have all I need for SN method or a slightly modified DDMA method, but both scare the crap out of me. Partly because I'm not sure how peaceful they are, but also because I don't want to fail and become a cabbage along with still having these chronic and torturous ear conditions, that would be catastrophic.

When living in a country where assisted dying is not an option and you're suffering from incurable, debilitating, painful and torturous conditions, you soon realise just how fucking scary this world is to be left trapped that way and nobody will do a damn thing to help put you out of your misery. It's absolutely terrifying, hence why I don't want to fail and also be a cabbage and still have my ear conditions too. Humans and society are cruel as fuck in these situations. The system just doesn't work.

Seriously hope my Pegasos application is approved, but the wait is killing me. Getting through a single day feels like a month and I've still got another 3-5 weeks until I know if I've been approved.

I'm trying not to take Diazepam or Oxycodone as much as possible due to how addictive they are and the problems they can cause, again in fear of just adding more problems to my already troubled existence. But some days I'm thinking fuck it, I'll just get fucked up on Diazepam or Oxycodone because I've had enough.

This is one tough battle.

Almost broke my knuckles today punching a wall repeatedly in anger and frustration.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent as I'm in a bad way.

Hey ruby. Thanks for sharing your journey. I was wondering, were your medical records extensive? Did they detail everything? Also is there a way I can message you?

 

[Leiden]

This is so heartbreaking and I can't express enough how sorry I am that you are suffering so much. It's so unfair and no one deserves this torment. I know this doesn't mean much but my heart truly goes out to you and I hope somehow something can get better for you even if just to get you through the waiting of your application. I wish you the very best of luck.