I had this thought when I thought about some newspaper stories which I read. I posted about them. They were about people who have committed suicide. It was in a news magazine I like. One about a transwoman who self-immolated in the capital of my country. And the other one about a doctor who committed suicide because she was harassed online and offline. Both women were mocked after their suicide. Life was very unfair to them also when they were alive. Their life was so cynical and reminded me of my life. They were genuinely good people (this was at least my impression) but life spit into their faces. It was heartbreaking to read but I could relate a lot.
I am not sure whether I would like such a story about my life though. The difference was probably that they got a lot of attention even before this article about them. The transwoman was filmed when she self-immolated and people left disgusting comments about her online when the video was uploaded. The doctor was a semi public figure. But I think she did not want the attention.
So I imagined how I would feel when such a story was published about my suicide. Probably my paranoia contributed to this thought because I sometimes feel like the centre of the universe. I think they probably would not make such a story about me. But it is not impossible. Maybe they would make as a case against this website which I would not like. But I am not sure.
I am uncertain whether I would like it. I am kind of a control freak and I don't like if information of my privacy was spread after my death without any control about it. (This reminds me of Kafka his stories were published postmortem I think without his consent. It is weird when people become public figures postmortem because the people don't know it when they die.)
One could present my story as a case against bullying of obese people and child abuse. And there is probably enough information in all my posts about my nightmarish life to make a coherent story. Though I am not sure. I would not be fully against it. I mean other parents could learn that abusing your child can lead to nightmarish tormenting mental illness and suicide. On the other hand I despise people who leave dismissive comments on such tragic stories. Here on the internet when I am anonymous it is not that awful. But when everyone could see my face and spit literally on it I would hate that. And I there are people who do this. Despicable and pathetic people. And I would not like that my bullies knew that they have won.
I still liked the stories about these two women a lot. People mocked them prior of the articles and these texts gave them in some way their dignity back and showed how cruel life can be. They reconstructed their lives in a very humanistic way. If people would shit on me after my death publicly yeah I would welcome such an article.
Would you like that your voice was heard by such an article? Independent of the way your die. Just telling your cruel story about suffering. Maybe it can show people that they have to be humble about their life quality and be more supportive to people in way worse circumstances? I think the society has to learn to be more supportive to weak and vulnerable people with bad life quality. But maybe I am only thinking like this because I am affected by it.
Maybe you can imagine it like a short summary of your life with the most hurtful events of your painful journey. I think no matter whether I will get such a story or not. (I think I rather would not want it.) In some way I already feel heard. By writing about my cruel and nightmarish life in this forum I feel heard. People read my posts and react to it. In some form this is comforting to know that other people can connect to my consciousness in this way. I don't feel all that alone by posting in this forum.
I am not sure whether I would like such a story about my life though. The difference was probably that they got a lot of attention even before this article about them. The transwoman was filmed when she self-immolated and people left disgusting comments about her online when the video was uploaded. The doctor was a semi public figure. But I think she did not want the attention.
So I imagined how I would feel when such a story was published about my suicide. Probably my paranoia contributed to this thought because I sometimes feel like the centre of the universe. I think they probably would not make such a story about me. But it is not impossible. Maybe they would make as a case against this website which I would not like. But I am not sure.
I am uncertain whether I would like it. I am kind of a control freak and I don't like if information of my privacy was spread after my death without any control about it. (This reminds me of Kafka his stories were published postmortem I think without his consent. It is weird when people become public figures postmortem because the people don't know it when they die.)
One could present my story as a case against bullying of obese people and child abuse. And there is probably enough information in all my posts about my nightmarish life to make a coherent story. Though I am not sure. I would not be fully against it. I mean other parents could learn that abusing your child can lead to nightmarish tormenting mental illness and suicide. On the other hand I despise people who leave dismissive comments on such tragic stories. Here on the internet when I am anonymous it is not that awful. But when everyone could see my face and spit literally on it I would hate that. And I there are people who do this. Despicable and pathetic people. And I would not like that my bullies knew that they have won.
I still liked the stories about these two women a lot. People mocked them prior of the articles and these texts gave them in some way their dignity back and showed how cruel life can be. They reconstructed their lives in a very humanistic way. If people would shit on me after my death publicly yeah I would welcome such an article.
Would you like that your voice was heard by such an article? Independent of the way your die. Just telling your cruel story about suffering. Maybe it can show people that they have to be humble about their life quality and be more supportive to people in way worse circumstances? I think the society has to learn to be more supportive to weak and vulnerable people with bad life quality. But maybe I am only thinking like this because I am affected by it.
Maybe you can imagine it like a short summary of your life with the most hurtful events of your painful journey. I think no matter whether I will get such a story or not. (I think I rather would not want it.) In some way I already feel heard. By writing about my cruel and nightmarish life in this forum I feel heard. People read my posts and react to it. In some form this is comforting to know that other people can connect to my consciousness in this way. I don't feel all that alone by posting in this forum.
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