Would you still prefer suicide if...

[InezSerrano]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, I want to ask suicidal people: Would you still be suicidal if you had a normal/healthy life? By that I mean, you could eat and sleep and exercise in a healthy way, you had good social connections. You were in education or employment you enjoyed, maybe you had a good romantic relationship... Are you suicidal because you do not have these things? Would you prefer a life with these things to death?

The reason I haven't killed myself yet is that I want to give myself a bit longer to try to find these things, its funny because in the past I set a deadline of 06 June 2016 for suicide, of course now it has been a very long time, my new dead line is 06 June 2024, or maybe 02 February 2024 or something, some time 2024... I may do it before then, but realistically I should wait at least until July 2023, because I have surgery in June that may make me feel a lot better... Anyway, IDK what I'm writing, I hope someone can maybe answer me, because I am curious. I would post in suicide discussion, but I feel this is a bit too close to recovery/"pro life" maybe? Since I'm not hardcore saying you should kill yourself here.. (Of course I am pro-choice, I just don't want to annoy anyone, but I also worry if I post this here only non-suicidal people will respond... IDK

Anyway, I love you all, and thank you to anyone who responds :D

 

[Life_and_Death]

id still be suicidal. of course, i have bpd and being chronically suicidal comes with that. im literally still thinking about suicide even when im happy.

 

[Angi]

Yes, I would be.

I support your plan to build a life worth living, and I guess it fits into the recovery section. But outside factors are not everything. I hope you drew this equivalence because you are good on this inside. I am not, so I would still want the pain to end.

 

[InezSerrano]

id still be suicidal. of course, i have bpd and being chronically suicidal comes with that. im literally still thinking about suicide even when im happy.

I thought being mentally well was part of my statement? Anyway, schema therapy or DBT can really help with BPD, no? So even if you still had BPD, it is possbile you would not be suicidal? IDK. I sometimes thing I have BPD, but I'm not diagnosed of course, I thought it was more extreme emotions and not suicidal 24/7, like maybe you feel suicidal everyday but not every moment? I really don't know, I'm sorry, just curious really, LOL.

Anyways, you said thinking about suicide when happy? Of course you are thinking about it (or I am), but you are not actively suicidal, right? Or are you? How does that feel?

Yes, I would be.

I support your plan to build a life worth living, and I guess it fits into the recovery section. But outside factors are not everything. I hope you drew this equivalence because you are good on this inside. I am not, so I would still want the pain to end.

Good on the inside? I'm not sure if I'm good on the inside. I think for most of my life I was living in an abusive situation, so I guess it makes sense I was suicidal, and now I am mostly out of that, but I'm pretty mentally unwell, and although I do have basic needs met, I am dependent on other people to meet them, and I don't have stable/healthy relationship... So I really don't know.

I meant in my hypothetical to say mentally well, maybe I didn't I feel like even if you are very messed up, there are ways to deal with it. I know a few people with schizophrenia who can be happy and have normal jobs and relationships...

IDK, sorry, maybe I am not being clear? I'm sorry, I hope I'm not phrasing things poorly. :/

 

[Crazy4u]

If I had a normal healthy life I might be passively suicidal and delay my ctb until 55-65 years old or so. The reasons I want to ctb are a mix of survival issues and basic desires I can't get and won't get.

 

[InezSerrano]

If I had a normal healthy life I might be passively suicidal and delay my ctb until 55-65 years old or so. The reasons I want to ctb are a mix of survival issues and basic desires I can't get and won't get.

Why do you think you would CTB at 55-65? Can't stand being old and ugly? And wdym by survial issues and basic desires, like the sort of things I mentioned in my post ?

 

[Life_and_Death]

I thought being mentally well was part of my statement?

Would you still be suicidal if you had a normal/healthy life? By that I mean, you could eat and sleep and exercise in a healthy way, you had good social connections. You were in education or employment you enjoyed, maybe you had a good romantic relationship... Are you suicidal because you do not have these things?

while it could have been inferred from "eat, sleep and exercise in a healthy way" you didnt really say anything about being mentally well, plus i was born with bpd. i can look back way into my past and recognize moments.

schema therapy or DBT can really help with BPD, no? So even if you still had BPD, it is possbile you would not be suicidal

a good quote for bpd that i like is "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they fel agony at the slightest touch or movement" and its true. here is another quote "I don't know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don't cry, I pour. When I am happy I don't smile, I glow. When I am angry I don't yell, I burn.
The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings but perhaps that isn't such a good thing, because they always tend to leave and you should see me when my heart is broken, I don't grieve, I shatter."
its "helping" doesnt fix anything, just lifelong coping mechanism until you hopefully reprogram your brain to just chill. its really difficult to fix and therapist will even refuse to help people with bpd because we're so "difficult". (to clarify that hasnt happened to me)

maybe you feel suicidal everyday but not every moment?

i very very very rarely dont feel suicidal. even when im happy, i know my death is whats best. and i think this poem i found explains why

and its right, every word. but the line in regards to why its always best "and i sink when i remember that color wont last" it never does. the littlest thing sets me off. right this second im not talking to my SO because he wants me involved in something that i want to be involved in but feel like i dont belong. bpd doesnt make sense half the time i know lol.

you are not actively suicidal, right? Or are you? How does that feel?

yeah, im actively suicidal 98-99% of the time. once every few weeks my friends have had me feeling a little better though. but its not often, and it only lasts for like 30mins. i find bpd to be emotionally and mentally draining.

 

[InezSerrano]

while it could have been inferred from "eat, sleep and exercise in a healthy way" you didnt really say anything about being mentally well, plus i was born with bpd. i can look back way into my past and recognize moments.

a good quote for bpd that i like is "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they fel agony at the slightest touch or movement" and its true. here is another quote "I don't know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don't cry, I pour. When I am happy I don't smile, I glow. When I am angry I don't yell, I burn.
The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings but perhaps that isn't such a good thing, because they always tend to leave and you should see me when my heart is broken, I don't grieve, I shatter."
its "helping" doesnt fix anything, just lifelong coping mechanism until you hopefully reprogram your brain to just chill. its really difficult to fix and therapist will even refuse to help people with bpd because we're so "difficult". (to clarify that hasnt happened to me)

i very very very rarely dont feel suicidal. even when im happy, i know my death is whats best. and i think this poem i found explains why

and its right, every word. but the line in regards to why its always best "and i sink when i remember that color wont last" it never does. the littlest thing sets me off. right this second im not talking to my SO because he wants me involved in something that i want to be involved in but feel like i dont belong. bpd doesnt make sense half the time i know lol.

yeah, im actively suicidal 98-99% of the time. once every few weeks my friends have had me feeling a little better though. but its not often, and it only lasts for like 30mins. i find bpd to be emotionally and mentally draining.

What do you mean by actively suicidal? Like what is that like? Do you like actually attempt suicide often? (And I mean a real attempt, not like doing something with a low risk of killing you like "OD"ing on drugs or something).

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I would still be suicidal no matter what happened, nothing would ever make me want to live. I just want non existence, I do not want any kind of life. Life does not interest me at all.

 

[InezSerrano]

Also have you tried Schema Therapy?

"Dropout from treatment was 33.3% in Year 1, and 5.6% in Year 2, without cohort differences. BPD manifestations reduced significantly, with large effect sizes, and 77% recovery at 30 months. Large improvements were also found on general psychopathological symptoms, schema (mode) measures, quality of life, and happiness. Cohort-2 tended to improve faster, but there were no differences between cohorts in the long term."
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005791613001018

DBT can also help, but it is a bit less effective...

"Analyses based on Jacobson's criteria for clinically relevant change indicated that 42% of those receiving DBT had clinically recovered on a general measure of psychopathology."
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005796703001748

while it could have been inferred from "eat, sleep and exercise in a healthy way" you didnt really say anything about being mentally well, plus i was born with bpd. i can look back way into my past and recognize moments.

a good quote for bpd that i like is "People with BPD are like people with 3rd degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they fel agony at the slightest touch or movement" and its true. here is another quote "I don't know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don't cry, I pour. When I am happy I don't smile, I glow. When I am angry I don't yell, I burn.
The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings but perhaps that isn't such a good thing, because they always tend to leave and you should see me when my heart is broken, I don't grieve, I shatter."
its "helping" doesnt fix anything, just lifelong coping mechanism until you hopefully reprogram your brain to just chill. its really difficult to fix and therapist will even refuse to help people with bpd because we're so "difficult". (to clarify that hasnt happened to me)

i very very very rarely dont feel suicidal. even when im happy, i know my death is whats best. and i think this poem i found explains why

and its right, every word. but the line in regards to why its always best "and i sink when i remember that color wont last" it never does. the littlest thing sets me off. right this second im not talking to my SO because he wants me involved in something that i want to be involved in but feel like i dont belong. bpd doesnt make sense half the time i know lol.

yeah, im actively suicidal 98-99% of the time. once every few weeks my friends have had me feeling a little better though. but its not often, and it only lasts for like 30mins. i find bpd to be emotionally and mentally draining.

 

[Crazy4u]

Why do you think you would CTB at 55-65? Can't stand being old and ugly? And wdym by survial issues and basic desires, like the sort of things I mentioned in my post ?

To feel safe and in control of my own ending. Natural death is gruesome and painful.

Yes, like some of the things you mentioned in your post except romantic relationships. I would prefer casual ones if I was not suicidal

 

[InezSerrano]

In my case, I would still be suicidal no matter what happened, nothing would ever make me want to live. I just want non existence, I do not want any kind of life. Life does not interest me at all.

Even if you could have infinite happiness you would prefer death? Why? Why haven't you CTB yet?

 

[ultrafuntimes]

It's hard to say. I can't imagine life without feeling suicidal. It's possible that I would want to live, but there is no guarantee.
It is difficult to motivate myself to work towards an outcome I can't comprehend. Anhedonia also gets in the way.

The reason I haven't killed myself yet is that I want to give myself a bit longer to try to find these things

Regardless of how I feel, I wish you luck on recovery. I think if you want to get better, there is at least hope things can change.

 

[InezSerrano]

It's hard to say. I can't imagine life without feeling suicidal. It's possible that I would want to live, but there is no guarantee.
It is difficult to motivate myself to work towards an outcome I can't comprehend. Anhedonia also gets in the way.


Regardless of how I feel, I wish you luck on recovery. I think if you want to get better, there is at least hope things can change.

:/ thank you, I hope there is some way out for me... maybe for you too. (LOL)

 

[Life_and_Death]

maybe try reading about it. i relate to this a bit

Psychiatry Online

ps.psychiatryonline.org

 

[FuneralCry]

Even if you could have infinite happiness you would prefer death? Why? Why haven't you CTB yet?

I just prefer the sound of non existence. I simply do not want to experience life, the thought of eternal sleep sounds so peaceful and to me personally that is better than any sort of happiness. I have not ctb, as leaving this world is very difficult. There is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. If it was easier to exit, I would already be gone.

 

[InezSerrano]

I just prefer the sound of non existence. I simply do not want to experience life, the thought of eternal sleep sounds so peaceful and to me personally that is better than any sort of happiness. I have not ctb, as leaving this world is very difficult. There is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. If it was easier to exit, I would already be gone.

MMMM
I wish I didn't have anxiety so I could just CTB without worrying about the chance of a happy life
but a happy life fades anyway, I should just CTB, but if feel so real! it feel so real! Live is one hell of a drug, I think I'm addicted :/

 

[Foresight]

No, not at all. I don't want to die now, it's just a very real quality of life issue for me. It's physical and now my mental health is really bad. I am a very tormented person now. I don't live like a normal person. If I did then I would live to the fullest. I think I push against my shit odds because I do have a lot of life left inside me.

I definitely do timelines too. Like if my mental health and quality of life is not better by x time I have to go.

 

[Pluto]

I think very few people who tick all the normal boxes (health, relationship, family, friends, community, careers, hobbies, travels, etc.) would want to CTB.

However, the flip side is that they would be constantly distracted and 'comfortably numb'. It is still a far cry from truly living in the esoteric, self-actualized sense of the word. Conversely, start taking away those luxuries and the underlying issues will surface.

Perhaps many of us romanticise normality because our living standards often fall far short of it, when it is merely a veneer of superficial contentment layered atop the same dullness and misery.

 

[Frog]

No. I'd love my life to the fullest and pursue every hobby and dream I have without shame, paranoia, or self-loathing. If I could be free from my ailments and my phobias and unbearable learned helplessness, I would be fucking out there. I would be me again. But at some point, the struggle got too heavy. The self-doubt crushed me. I realized a codependent relationship was robbing me of my ability to even choose between condiments. My mind stopped caring. My body stopped feeling any hunger at all. My hair started falling out. The boils started growing.

I used to hold on to the hope that one day I'd be happy again and able to entertain my friends. A few weeks ago, they cut me out of the friend group for something I did two years ago while battling alcoholism.

No future. No past. Only an eternal present.

If I could throw off my problems, I wouldn't want to die. If only I could grow a spine.

 

[inthewoods]

If I had all of that, I wouldn't be suicidal. Really, it's the having a partner that's the hardest and losing so many people over the years because of my mental health. It makes me realize I won't have that and so being happy and loved seems like it's not in the cards for me at all.

I have bpd and would still have lows where I think about killing my self just so I can have a moment of control, but that's so different than how I feel now

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I would still be depressed, dissociative and numb. I know it's an internal issue that I cannot solve my nervous system and brain need completely rewired and I need to detox my system

 

[KimKevorkian]

Hmmm...So much boils down to economic insecurity and my fears of the near future. I thought N wd be the most peaceful thing ever, but the N one buys from D is not the same formulation as what one sees in those Swiss clinics. The choking down of caustic poison meant to be injected? Doesn't sound so peaceful to me. The QUALITY of one's death, not just death itself, matters hugely to me.
In the meanwhile, I try to escape my body and brain, and this fucked up world, via attempts at lucid dreaming. I take 2.5 mg of melatonin and get pretty trippy dreams. Nice distraction at least. But then waking up sucks (sigh). But there's always another nap ahead! Attaching some books on lucid dreaming.

 

[tinted]

If i am truly happy,i will live my life to the fullest and ctb when i am too old to take care of myself.