Man I don't even know. I've built up a big stash that'd be a sure way out, but I've still not done it. I'm terrified of further brain damage, that's one thing. But since starting meds for my ADHD, things changed quite dramatically. I seem to be able to better tolerate emotions, not lose myself in my head as frequently when spiralling, actually do some things to distract away from my mental health.
I'm not even sure I like it honestly, it's uncomfortable and foreign. Things I'd expect to be distraught over, that would've normally hurt me immensely, are blunted. It's so unfamiliar, I've never experienced it before, it's like my brain's saying "this is what you should be feeling, why aren't you feeling that way, why aren't you beating yourself up, I'm lost".
I struggle to humanize myself, I don't feel like a human being and can't empathize with myself. But I'll smoke a joint at night, think about myself in third person, the things I've done, the way I've treated myself, and cry. Truly, what did that child, teen, adult, do to deserve it all? It brings me so much pain, I feel like I have so much to offer the world sometimes.
I think of all the things I'd miss out on. Feels like the universe is far too interesting to leave behind sometimes, yknow? So many mechanics I find amazing, interesting, wanting to learn. I think these things in bed and have a panic attack at the thought of finality, the loss of experience here.
But then it all goes away, I come back to reality. I wake up the next day, I experience. I remember my roots. The emotional pain, existing in the past, reliving it, non stop all day relentless emotional torment, nothing and nowhere safe, everything reminds me of something. The physical pain, unbearable, doubled over sweating buckets the entire day, constant discomfort, unable to sit let alone think. The cognitive pain, unable to remember, unable to think, recall. Living with abusive people who take their toll on your wellbeing. And just the rest of it all, everything else.
The reality is, considering the circumstances, despite my best intentions, I have nothing to offer humanity, and thus myself. My last wishes are to create something that people would use, my peers would admire, some kind of superficial legacy. Research, popular software library/tool, protocol of some description, whatever it be. But that's not possible considering my life, what good am I if I cannot work to achieve my goals?
I've been stuck in this back and forth for months now and it's so confusing. I don't know anymore honestly. I think if I had it, I'd end up taking it 'impulsively' when one day were too much to bear. But objectively, my "life" is absolutely eviscerated, so it's not like it'd be impulsive moreso following my wishes. My pragmatic conclusion, wish, is death. In my case, it's for the best.
Sorry for all the dramatic pseud dialect and long ass rant. Got lost in my thoughts and my vocab's been corrupted by academia lmao.
