Discussion Would you consider yourself a 'high functioning' suicidalist?

[noname223]

I wish I was. But I am truely not. Some people consider me as extremely hard working which I am. But the impression is distorted. They don't know the details of my life. It is all pretty pathetic. I am very ill and I am giving my best. I am way too neurotic to be high functioning. Furthermore is my resilience a complete joke.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I'm not high functioning but I'm often perceived as such. I rarely leave the house, I cannot work or study, cannot manage independently or take care of myself. I rely on others to just about get by.

However, I conceal my physical and emotional pain very effectively in public and in the presence of other people. I don't leave the house much but when I do, the vast majority wouldn't know that something is wrong (unless I'm in too much pain to move). Even when I'm in agony, I don't complain, I don't cry, I hardly even grimace. The same goes for emotional pain. Previous psychologists and therapists have commented on this - even they couldn't pick up on the underlying anguish because it's that hidden.

I acknowledge the advantages of being able to mask my struggles so well. However, there are definitely drawbacks to this too, such as not being believed, not being taken seriously if I communicate my struggles, not being listened to or supported and everyone assuming I'm fine, even if I'm explicitly telling them otherwise. These difficulties aren't exclusive to people in my position, of course, but it makes me easier to ignore and brush off. Especially for health and support services.

The capacity to remain unwavering and unmoving in duress is an ability I learned due to long-term abuse starting as a young child. Being openly vulnerable has proven to be unsafe over and over again, so I had to wear a convincing façade to protect myself. Despite this awareness, I can't discard it even when I want to, when it directly works against me. Even if I'm internally screaming, I am outwardly smiling.

 

[g56f32Z4n8#uExEuU*@]

Definitely high functioning. When the cracks show, I look at risk of burnout because of work. I don't want my friends to even have a whiff of what I'm going through and perhaps feel responsible. I show my suffering, but never making explicit how ready I am to CTB. Besides, even in my state of mind, I can enjoy sharing a hug, a coffee, a place in the sun. I just don't need another day.

 

[deathLiberation]

Yes. Very high functioning. I hide it so well, nobody has a clue. I work full time, I'm all smiles, I stay in shape. The pain inside, the emptiness...nobody knows.

Pretty much me.
I can have an ok normal life and yet i still wish to die. But i want to die in order to escape this realm that i believe is a prison. I usually say stuff like "At least one day this will all be over" I just want to escape and nothing anymore is really important to keep me attached.

When it comes to other people, most dont, but i know some people can see the depression in me, they just choose not to interfere, and that´s ok.

 

[Housefly]

I voted high because I know I can make well but if anyone asks me how I am I can't stop the suicide joke from popping out. And normies don't get it and I get the concern laugh.... Fun times

 

[gottablast888]

I wish. I think its a great way to go out. better than feeling pathetic right before the departure

 

[minx]

My ability to function and 'mask' it deeply depends on whether i am in a depressive/manic episode. The more severe it is, the easier my life falls apart, usually followed by attempts and hospitalisation. In my best moments, i'd say people would think i am struggling but are capable enough to get by. But it's hard to think that once they experience me at my worst.

 

[Stripe19]

Absolutely. I purposefully do whatever i can to make the concept of me being in a bad spot seem absurd. I say small things like they're big so people think that it's the weight of my chest, and i purposefully use unconventional things to SH so nobody suspects it. I have all kinds of "bites" and "scrapes" that are not really either and dont look like it but look close enough nobody is able to tell before i cover it.
I mean alot to many people, and they mean alot to me. In terms purely social, my life couldnt be better. The issue is that im fucked over every single other way that it's the only thing i hold onto or care about anymore because everything is so far gone but i put up such a good act of otherwise. I think part of it is because, when im with them, even I believe my own lies while they're around and trick myself into imagining this wonderful version of me ive told them, and it only ends when they're gone and i remember how it ACTUALLY is.

 

[simplymiserable]

i can barely function lol

 

[loyalskateboard]

Nope. I'm not high functioning at all lmao. My friends and family know the state of my mental health so nobody will be surprised if/when I ctb.

 

[loopdaloop]

Maybe somewhat functioning. Mentally checked out of life , capable only of brain-dead activities. It's been like that for a while.

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

I'm high functioning which makes the dissonance louder and more annoying. Like I eat well, work out, maintain hobbies, and relationships, and it doesn't make it better. But my friends that are close know that I wanna CTB, I'm just not sure what they think, other than hoping I get better or whatever