Discussion Would you consider yourself a 'high functioning' suicidalist?

[Forever Sleep]

No judgement here- just curious really...

I guess it's a difficult one to label too. I suppose my take would be- a 'high functioning' suicidist would go about regular life- eg. hold a job, maybe have family and friends- all of which have no idea about how they truly feel.

Maybe people who are somewhat high functioning are just about getting by but the cracks are starting to show. I reckon I'm in this category.

I guess low functioning would be where it's plainly obvious a person is struggling with all elements of life.

I guess I'm asking because I find it curious- especially in relation to pro lifers- that- if you show the signs of being somewhat ok- people tend to assume that you are. What do you think?

By the way- as an aside- I'm not putting this out there to criticize people. I'm fully aware that it's often health issues that compromise our ability to cope with life.

 

[Source Energy]

Yes. Very high functioning. I hide it so well, nobody has a clue. I work full time, I'm all smiles, I stay in shape. The pain inside, the emptiness...nobody knows.

 

[Pluto]

I'm superficially functioning, though I am extremely reserved in social settings. People can tell I have something to hide.

 

[noonipie]

my mental state only impacts my ability to do exceptionally well. i am good with school, friends, and extracurriculars, but i know that i could be exceptionally good at these things if i weren't so suicidal or depressed/anxious.

 

[SleepingLessons]

Maybe people who are somewhat high functioning are just about getting by but the cracks are starting to show. I reckon I'm in this category.

As someone in the same position I'd be interested to know how the cracks are starting to show for you?

I'm pretty high-functioning I would say, but I've been slipping up recently. I had an alcohol/emotions induced meltdown the other week in front of a few friends, and I know they've noticed some of the scars on my arm. This time the suicidal ideation has made me pretty impulsive, so I've been less careful than previously. The last few weeks have felt like fever dreams, but I'm on top of work so that's something.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

I always just get by knowing nothing I could do would bring me the joy or happiness I would expect it to... also could have been a great, but you ask my brother why my genius mind got stuck on defense mode xD

 

[Forever Sleep]

As someone in the same position I'd be interested to know how the cracks are starting to show for you?

I'm pretty high-functioning I would say, but I've been slipping up recently. I had an alcohol/emotions induced meltdown the other week in front of a few friends, and I know they've noticed some of the scars on my arm. This time the suicidal ideation has made me pretty impulsive, so I've been less careful than previously. The last few weeks have felt like fever dreams, but I'm on top of work so that's something.

I think mainly in my own attitudes really to be honest. It hasn't gotten so bad that I'm missing deadlines but my heart has somewhat gone out of my work- it used to mean everything to me. Now, I just feel so lethargic- it's so much harder to motivate myself to do it. I still care about my standards and I hate to let people down- so- I'm hoping like mad it doesn't show. I've just noticed a shift inside I guess.

Also, the few conversations I have with family and friends pretty much always land on very dark subject matter. Personally, I find it kind of odd that people don't notice but maybe they're depressed too!

Plus, I just can't be bothered to take care of myself as much as I used to. It's not REALLY bad or anything- I still wash and eat. I'm just not as healthy as I used to be. (Not that I was ever THAT healthy!) Exercise for one has completely gone out the window.

I'm sorry you have been struggling. Self harm sounds quite hard to hide. Have you been doing that for a while? May I ask? Or, is it a new thing. I fortunately don't have too many desires to do that. The most I'll do is hit myself when I'm frustrated but I'm too squemish for anything else! I hope you can find your way through this and things become easier.

 

[SleepingLessons]

my heart has somewhat gone out of my work- it used to mean everything to me.

That sounds so difficult, losing passion for stuff you love must be one of the worst things with depression. Keeping up a façade and still trying to do your best is so difficult. It sounds strange that none of your family and friends have noticed - do you think you'd want them to?

The self-harm has actually started this week, never done it before. I'd had urges and tried but never managed to push through the pain, but I guess something just clicked. Very strange. Hitting yourself can still be a form of self harm, everything is valid!

I hope things get better for you too, it sounds like you're doing a good job right now keeping going, but man things shouldn't be this hard huh?

 

[Forever Sleep]

That sounds so difficult, losing passion for stuff you love must be one of the worst things with depression. Keeping up a façade and still trying to do your best is so difficult. It sounds strange that none of your family and friends have noticed - do you think you'd want them to?

The self-harm has actually started this week, never done it before. I'd had urges and tried but never managed to push through the pain, but I guess something just clicked. Very strange. Hitting yourself can still be a form of self harm, everything is valid!

I hope things get better for you too, it sounds like you're doing a good job right now keeping going, but man things shouldn't be this hard huh?

It sounds really tough for you too. Just be careful with it- people have got infections etc in the past on here. I just wouldn't want you to make things worse for yourself but I understand the drive to do it.

Yeah- it is kind of weird. I suppose that's many of us in a way though right? We just feel so lethargic about life. Who knows, maybe some enthusiasm will return. I'm still afraid/ashamed of failure- so that has to be something I guess. That might be enough to motivate me for now.

I think I've always been a bit of a depressive- so- friends and family likely don't notice any difference! I've had ideation for decades but no- I don't want people to know the full extent of it. They'll only worry.

I wish you all the best. True- life is a struggle for so many people. My life isn't even that difficult compared to some others here. Still- I guess we're all struggling in our own way- otherwise we wouldn't be here.

 

[freedompass]

Hmmm, I answered no since I haven't worked for 30 years or ever had a career. I did go back to Uni in my 30's and graduated with a First but life was mostly lurching from one crisis/trauma to another. Couldn't really make a healthy long term relationship. Wasn't stable enough to be a good parent. Wasn't gifted with great long lasting friendships either as I had a tendency to place too much trust in the wrong people.

Totally hear you on the lethargy. I'm honestly glad I don't have to work! I do the best I can from one day to the next and try to rationalise how I feel by adopting philosophical pessimism. Back in my 30's and 40's I bounced back from adversity many times, had certain spiritual beliefs and a few aspirations, tried many lifestyles, explored alternative this and that but around the 50 mark I began to run out of steam. That's when the suicidality started in earnest and while the intensity ebbs and flows it's never fully gone away and I doubt it ever will.

 

[TimeToPackUp]

I would. I'm working, I have a small group of friends, I enjoy things like activity, watching my shows and twitch, food of course. If you met me you probably would never guess I was suicidal. I think there's a misconception that suicidal people are down and out of it 24/7, which isn't true. With that being said, I believe when you can function "normally" like I am but still be ready to ctb at a moments notice, you know what you want and are thinking clearly. Pro lifers will gas light and always try and spin something, just because I'm suicidal doesn't mean I can't get enjoyment out of absolutely anything. The thing is, all of this "normal" life stuff is not substantial enough for me to want to continue living. I have deeper issues about myself that I already have tried to get help for, no I do not want to talk to anyone anymore and I shouldn't be forced too. My wishes to die should be respected, but as I've said before everyone wants to be a hero to make themselves feel better. I'm old enough at this point to know what I truly want. It's actually mind boggling with how shitty this world is, especially today, that people still gaslight us by saying "you're not thinking straight". Or think we're nut cases.

 

[wiltingorchid]

I don't think I am a high-functioning suicidalist, more like kinda-functioning. I try to do my everyday chores, learn for school etc., i try to be a decent person. But sometimes it's just really hard to keep the facade up. It's tiring, yk. And I sometimes end up not going outside for a week or just laying in bed all day, because i can't my existence. I know that, if I wanted to function well, I could, but I just see no point in that as my work won't get recognized anyway.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I'm low-functioning, I want to prepare my method but cannot bring myself to do it sadly.

 

[unplug]

I'd say so, yeah.

 

[hhmmmm]

I think I would consider myself a somewhat suicidalist. I do have a job but I work twice a week and do not currently go to school. At some point I was a full time student student with a job but that isn't anymore. I do have online friends and I do have two IRL friends which I haven't talked in a while to. Even though I only work twice a week it kinda drives me crazy.

At some point in my life I was low functioning where it was very hard for me to get out of bed and sleep all day.

 

[Ultracheese]

Yes and no. I have alienated my whole family, have no friends besides my long-suffering boyfriend, am unable to even get out of bed most days, am incredibly physically and attend a school for people with special needs. On the other hand, I've been accepted to a number of good schools and academic conferences mostly attended by full-time academics, so I feel I don't have the right to complain too much.

 

[ohyouknow]

By society's standards, yes. I hold a good job. I maintain a steady marriage and family. I take my meds. I don't get hospitalized.

 

[Hirokami]

According to the US government, working and paying taxes makes me "high functioning", so sure. To be fair, I also go to grad school and have a (rocky) relationship. I'm functioning enough, but I'm not like most adults still. Can't drive due to nerves. I have only one friend that I barely talk to. I rarely leave the house. And speaking of the house, I still live with my mom ....... I'm the uncanny valley of adults. And the only reason I'm not a NEET is because I'm put in a situation where I have to make money and do better.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm probably at the very bottom end of functionality among the members here. As such I don't feel I have as much flexibility as the average user here when it comes to choosing yo live, which is a fact which admittedly make me feel even worse. But yes it's not a novel observation that some people function very well (in conventional terms) up until the day they end their lives. I'm somewhat fortunate in a sense I suppose in not being forced to function by practical concerns. That's tough for me to imagine.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

Absolutely not, i mean i worked jobs, learning a new one currently. It's always the same, it goes well for some time and then i just completely give up on everything. Absolutely frustrating cause, you know, i can work really well, just not for a long time without burning out.

 

[cherrysquick]

my previous psychiatrist told me im the most high functioning depressed person he has ever met LOL i somehow manage to get work done and study but my social life is almost non-existent and i struggle with the most basic everyday tasks. im fine when someone needs my help or i have to study for an exam but i can go weeks without brushing my hair properly.. and dont get me started on my depression room. good thing i dont have many friends honestly because this shit is a mess

 

[squirley]

Yes. Very high functioning. I hide it so well, nobody has a clue. I work full time, I'm all smiles, I stay in shape. The pain inside, the emptiness...nobody knows.

I once could say the same about myself.
"Very high functioning"
But within the past year it's been a complete 180 towards "low functioning"
Good luck.

 

[jonghyun]

I suppose high functioning to people who don't live with me. I think seeing me day to day its easy to pick up but I don't think anyone else has a clue

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Only in the sense that I can hide my fatigue and cognitive impairment relatively well. They haven't really manifested in a way that's terribly obvious if you interact with me in a day to day setting. But I spend 99% of my time at home and don't undertake anything taxing, whether mentally or physically. I exist in a kind of glass jar that I do my best to obfuscate to those who don't know me.

 

[unnormal9]

I'm just suicidal.

 

[PuppyinPain]

Yes I am a confident public speaker and magnet for all types of people. I know lots of people in my real life (probably over 60 that would refer to me as a friend) and am extremely good at socializing no matter the person. I make ties at work, classes, and just randomly out in public. But I rarely talk to all of these people I know unless prompted because of my depression, most people have no idea that I feel/think the way I do and I like it that way.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Yes, I would. There have been times where I slip into "barely functioning", but it hasn't happened in a while. These days I'm functioning pretty well, keeping up with work, enrolled in school again, doing home improvement tasks here and there, I even got some plants for the terrace to spruce up the place. Went out with a couple of friends this past weekend, met some new people and ended up joking around and having a good time with them. If you met me in real life, you probably would think I'm fairly well-adjusted.

 

[HyperdimensionLoser]

I guess the somewhat category fits for me now. Used to be high functioning but this school semester's been seriously rough on me and the start of finals week is causing me to fall apart at the seams and bringing my suicidality back to the forefront.

 

[StolenLife]

Somewhat, considering that I'm in tough academy field. But once you take that away, I'm just too depressed to even get out of bed most days.

 

[Whistea]

I wouldn't say so, no. Obviously, I don't just go around and bring up my mental state to random people and I somewhat make sure that I don't look like a total bum. I prefer to suffer in silence, so it is not immediately obvious that something's up. But during my apprenticeship and at my workplace afterwards I was told multiple times by classmates/co-workers as well as several professors/bosses that I was very quiet and reserved and was criticized for not building any interpersonal relationships with anyone. Nothing that rings any alarm bells, but it was peculiar enough for a variety of people to bring it up over the years. And my mental health surely had a part in me eventually leaving my job, so I would certainly not call myself high-functioning.