iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 133
Long rant. 1000+ words, sorry
Got in an argument with my dad a couple days ago. It started because he told me i needed to "get my shit together" since I've been going to sleep late and waking up late and the fact I needed to ask my mom for Lyft money the other day to get to work. Which he's right, I have been willfully taking advantage of them, but that's a point I'm gonna circle back to- This upset me because I am generally agitated around him and didn't want to listen to him give me a 45 minute lecture about how I need to be doing things that "make me feel good" instead of what I usually do (I've had major depression since I was in 5th grade, neither parents have ever once sympathized or helped growing up, so he's referring to habits like my hygiene, as if his lecturing is all I need to get better. My childhood is riddled with memories of him talking at me while I dissociated for hours at a time, forced to stand in place and wait for him to stop talking. When I was 12, I confided in him about social anxiety that left me physically catatonic, he said in aggressively to "get over it, cut it out," when I tried to kill myself at 12, they tried sending me to school the next day. After a week in which I was catatonic because of it, my dad simply said "[suicide] is what cowards do." My mom admitted in therapy that she thinks I did it for attention and that's it. I think that paints a good picture about the way both of them have handled my struggles.
I fire back and tell him I don't want to him to talk to me like I was a child. Side note, be he literally treats me like a child. I'm 20 years old. The other day he told my mom to show me how to cut a piece of fish. It escalates, he says I "don't tell me how I should talk to you because I'll talk to you however I want to. You always end up back where you are because you don't listen to me." When I try getting a point in about how he doesn't give me advice worth listening to, he says "shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut your fucking mouth" and moves like he's going to punch me, which he has done over and over through the years. When he mentions "ending up back where I am" he's referring to the fact that I had ran away when I was 18 through 20 and my attempt didn't work out. I was forced to come home after being homeless for a couple months, he believes it's a personal failing as opposed to the result of multiple factors. One mainly that I literally have brain damage and ptsd. Me running away was literally the most rational thing a person can do.
During that 2 year period, they had called, emailed, texted, sent me dms on instagram and twitter, etc telling me to come back home and that their "hearts break for me" hundreds of times throughout the day. My mother recently went on a text tirade telling me how I was "homeless for nothing, no reason" despite the abuse I was facing during the end of those last days I was home before running off. One of those days, my dad ran upstairs at 3 am and banged on my door nearly breaking it down to scream-lecture me, before pulling his hand back and making the movement like he was going to knock me out, and then saying "I'm sorry, but this is what you drive me to" (I am also queer, this was a random, unprovoked thing that I assume happened because he was up randomly thinking about how I am queer at 3 am in the morning) he has also done this multiple times, slamming doors, tables, hitting me/shoving me/slapping + punching me, when I was in middle school he dragged me across the living room by my neck basically choking me out and forced my head out of the front door and made me point at people passing by and forced me to identify their genders and who they should be allowed to date. He'd force me to walk to playgrounds and have me play/exercise until I vomited, and because I was also just caught abusing a substance, my throwing up was immediately blamed on having taken that substance. I was like 13. When I started having daily panic attacks as a result of HPPD and brain damage, he showed me no sympathy, saying that I was just "doing things I shouldn't have" instead of being even a little bit concerned. When I wanted to change my hairstyle he forced me to walk laps with him around a playground, not saying anything to me, just making me walk. All the other stuff that has completely destroyed my personhood, like forcing me to wear my hair a certain way, my mother looking through my personal belongings and personal things and conversations whenever she gets the chance to and justifying the behavior on just being a concerned parent and being too fucking stupid to realize that behavior is exactly what strains our relationship and leads me to be sneaky around her, and of course sticking by her idiot husband while justifying his behavior because she thinks I owe the both of them. My dad has been cheating on her on and off since literally 2014 and clearly doesn't give a fat fucking shit about her, so I really don't know why she sticks by him so valiantly. I remember him trying to justify the cheating to me in a subtle way once when I was 16.
But anyway, after the fight we had in the car, I've just been thinking about how everything I say is pointless. It all immediately crumbles under the weight of his 250+ pound body. All he needs to do is ball his fists up and be violent and he gets his way. Every argument has ended with him threatening to drag me by my hair, punch me, hurt me in one way or another, it always goes back to violence because he's too fucking stupid to construct a single valid point against me, and he needs to be right and always be the "wisest" in the room and go on 4 hour long tangents trying to explain why the other person is wrong and infodump as if he's trying to prove to himself and everyone else that he isn't the bootlicking cock sucking fucking dunce that he is.
I don't want to be anything like him, but I already feel myself giving into whatever emptiness gets people to be that violent for no reason. He goes on near homicidal rants towards me for not thinking a particular movie or song was good. I want to be the person who breaks the cycle. But with my parents, my humanity leaves me entirely. I steal money and food from them and waste all their resources now that I've moved back in with them and I don't fucking care. I don't care. It's funny because now, even though they still are people who are incapable of regulating emotion and still have massive amounts of power over me, they call me the abuser. My mom literally has said to me, to my face, "enough with the abuse." When I wasn't living with them, my dad dm'd me webmd points on psychopathy over Instagram, calling me a psychopath for doing things that I still firmly believe was rational behavior. I couldn't empathize with my abusers, so I never showed them love. I needed money to escape, so I took it from them.
I don't have shit I care about anymore. They've ruined me eternally. I want to get strong, and beat my dad into complete submission.
I guess, just as a passing final thought, I just want to know if my animosity towards them is justified. I don't want to be a psychopath. I don't want to be an abuser. I don't want to hurt people. But I literally can't control the anger I feel towards them. It makes me sad
Got in an argument with my dad a couple days ago. It started because he told me i needed to "get my shit together" since I've been going to sleep late and waking up late and the fact I needed to ask my mom for Lyft money the other day to get to work. Which he's right, I have been willfully taking advantage of them, but that's a point I'm gonna circle back to- This upset me because I am generally agitated around him and didn't want to listen to him give me a 45 minute lecture about how I need to be doing things that "make me feel good" instead of what I usually do (I've had major depression since I was in 5th grade, neither parents have ever once sympathized or helped growing up, so he's referring to habits like my hygiene, as if his lecturing is all I need to get better. My childhood is riddled with memories of him talking at me while I dissociated for hours at a time, forced to stand in place and wait for him to stop talking. When I was 12, I confided in him about social anxiety that left me physically catatonic, he said in aggressively to "get over it, cut it out," when I tried to kill myself at 12, they tried sending me to school the next day. After a week in which I was catatonic because of it, my dad simply said "[suicide] is what cowards do." My mom admitted in therapy that she thinks I did it for attention and that's it. I think that paints a good picture about the way both of them have handled my struggles.
I fire back and tell him I don't want to him to talk to me like I was a child. Side note, be he literally treats me like a child. I'm 20 years old. The other day he told my mom to show me how to cut a piece of fish. It escalates, he says I "don't tell me how I should talk to you because I'll talk to you however I want to. You always end up back where you are because you don't listen to me." When I try getting a point in about how he doesn't give me advice worth listening to, he says "shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut your fucking mouth" and moves like he's going to punch me, which he has done over and over through the years. When he mentions "ending up back where I am" he's referring to the fact that I had ran away when I was 18 through 20 and my attempt didn't work out. I was forced to come home after being homeless for a couple months, he believes it's a personal failing as opposed to the result of multiple factors. One mainly that I literally have brain damage and ptsd. Me running away was literally the most rational thing a person can do.
During that 2 year period, they had called, emailed, texted, sent me dms on instagram and twitter, etc telling me to come back home and that their "hearts break for me" hundreds of times throughout the day. My mother recently went on a text tirade telling me how I was "homeless for nothing, no reason" despite the abuse I was facing during the end of those last days I was home before running off. One of those days, my dad ran upstairs at 3 am and banged on my door nearly breaking it down to scream-lecture me, before pulling his hand back and making the movement like he was going to knock me out, and then saying "I'm sorry, but this is what you drive me to" (I am also queer, this was a random, unprovoked thing that I assume happened because he was up randomly thinking about how I am queer at 3 am in the morning) he has also done this multiple times, slamming doors, tables, hitting me/shoving me/slapping + punching me, when I was in middle school he dragged me across the living room by my neck basically choking me out and forced my head out of the front door and made me point at people passing by and forced me to identify their genders and who they should be allowed to date. He'd force me to walk to playgrounds and have me play/exercise until I vomited, and because I was also just caught abusing a substance, my throwing up was immediately blamed on having taken that substance. I was like 13. When I started having daily panic attacks as a result of HPPD and brain damage, he showed me no sympathy, saying that I was just "doing things I shouldn't have" instead of being even a little bit concerned. When I wanted to change my hairstyle he forced me to walk laps with him around a playground, not saying anything to me, just making me walk. All the other stuff that has completely destroyed my personhood, like forcing me to wear my hair a certain way, my mother looking through my personal belongings and personal things and conversations whenever she gets the chance to and justifying the behavior on just being a concerned parent and being too fucking stupid to realize that behavior is exactly what strains our relationship and leads me to be sneaky around her, and of course sticking by her idiot husband while justifying his behavior because she thinks I owe the both of them. My dad has been cheating on her on and off since literally 2014 and clearly doesn't give a fat fucking shit about her, so I really don't know why she sticks by him so valiantly. I remember him trying to justify the cheating to me in a subtle way once when I was 16.
But anyway, after the fight we had in the car, I've just been thinking about how everything I say is pointless. It all immediately crumbles under the weight of his 250+ pound body. All he needs to do is ball his fists up and be violent and he gets his way. Every argument has ended with him threatening to drag me by my hair, punch me, hurt me in one way or another, it always goes back to violence because he's too fucking stupid to construct a single valid point against me, and he needs to be right and always be the "wisest" in the room and go on 4 hour long tangents trying to explain why the other person is wrong and infodump as if he's trying to prove to himself and everyone else that he isn't the bootlicking cock sucking fucking dunce that he is.
I don't want to be anything like him, but I already feel myself giving into whatever emptiness gets people to be that violent for no reason. He goes on near homicidal rants towards me for not thinking a particular movie or song was good. I want to be the person who breaks the cycle. But with my parents, my humanity leaves me entirely. I steal money and food from them and waste all their resources now that I've moved back in with them and I don't fucking care. I don't care. It's funny because now, even though they still are people who are incapable of regulating emotion and still have massive amounts of power over me, they call me the abuser. My mom literally has said to me, to my face, "enough with the abuse." When I wasn't living with them, my dad dm'd me webmd points on psychopathy over Instagram, calling me a psychopath for doing things that I still firmly believe was rational behavior. I couldn't empathize with my abusers, so I never showed them love. I needed money to escape, so I took it from them.
I don't have shit I care about anymore. They've ruined me eternally. I want to get strong, and beat my dad into complete submission.
I guess, just as a passing final thought, I just want to know if my animosity towards them is justified. I don't want to be a psychopath. I don't want to be an abuser. I don't want to hurt people. But I literally can't control the anger I feel towards them. It makes me sad
