nozomu
Global Mod // will i wiN my recovery arc
- Nov 28, 2022
- 1,082
Someone I deeply care for is likely in an abusive situation and finds safety in me. It makes me feel bad about needing to CTB. They don't know that I know but I found out on accident. (Boy, am I fucking tired of accidentally being burdened with other people's heavy stuff)
I can't tolerate living much longer. I'm just waiting for my obligations to others to be less, then I will CTB. Even if I don't have my preferred method by that point.
But I've been in abusive situations too, so the empathy in me knows this pain too well. I feel selfish for wanting to CTB still even though I know this person finds refuge from their situation in me, because having been there I'd be devastated if I lost the people who filled this role for me.
And I can't even directly confront them about it and be like lol hey, lemme help you out of this. Because I am not supposed to know.
Why do I keep getting tied down to this world by my caring and compassion for others? Why do I bear so much pain just to see other people smile?
When is it my turn to smile in earnest? to smile freely, without the weight of the world on my shoulders... No one is ever going to come save me. But I am forced to continue being a refuge for others.
I can't tolerate living much longer. I'm just waiting for my obligations to others to be less, then I will CTB. Even if I don't have my preferred method by that point.
But I've been in abusive situations too, so the empathy in me knows this pain too well. I feel selfish for wanting to CTB still even though I know this person finds refuge from their situation in me, because having been there I'd be devastated if I lost the people who filled this role for me.
And I can't even directly confront them about it and be like lol hey, lemme help you out of this. Because I am not supposed to know.
Why do I keep getting tied down to this world by my caring and compassion for others? Why do I bear so much pain just to see other people smile?
When is it my turn to smile in earnest? to smile freely, without the weight of the world on my shoulders... No one is ever going to come save me. But I am forced to continue being a refuge for others.