Venting worried my buddy might CTB

[self.destractive]

if he goes, i go.

i've had this pal for the past couple of years. he's falling into pieces and im just sat watching. hes hinted towards suicide multiple times. i love him dearly and i worry about this a lot. i know theres nothing i can do
sometimes i feel like its just a ticking time bomb to see who ends up goin first. if i went it would destroy him, and if he went it would destroy me.

god i just want this all to end

 

[Pookie]

Sorry to hear this. Have you spoken to him about it?

 

[self.destractive]

Sorry to hear this. Have you spoken to him about it?

ive asked him if he has wanted to hurt himself and hes told me that he has, but he "wouldnt follow through on it".

i have not told him about my current suicidal thoughts, i always try to put on a brave face for him. the last thing he needs right now is to worry about me.

 

[Pookie]

ive asked him if he has wanted to hurt himself and hes told me that he has, but he "wouldnt follow through on it".

i have not told him about my current suicidal thoughts, i always try to put on a brave face for him. the last thing he needs right now is to worry about me.

Has he told you why he wants to hurt himself and has he gotten help for his problems? He may feel less alone if you told him you feel suicidal at times too, similar to how all we suicidal people come together here on SS because we know others will understand how we feel.

 

[justanotherstar]

maybe talking about your experiences could help each other? We can only ever live for ourselves in the end, people can keep us going so far but it’s our decision in the end. If he’s hinted at his feelings then it’s likely that he may want to talk about it, all you can do is try

 

[Donk]

ive asked him if he has wanted to hurt himself and hes told me that he has, but he "wouldnt follow through on it".

so it sounds like he's not at risk of hurting himself. So really you should only be concern with your own suicidal ideation. Unless you think he'll follow suit. I'm in a similar predicament in that I'm concern with the effect my CTB will have on the well being of my loved ones. Yet I do not want to suffer for the sake of not hurting them. I understand the dilemma you are facing.

 

[self.destractive]

so it sounds like he's not at risk of hurting himself. So really you should only be concern with your own suicidal ideation. Unless you think he'll follow suit. I'm in a similar predicament in that I'm concern with the effect my CTB will have on the well being of my loved ones. Yet I do not want to suffer for the sake of not hurting them. I understand the dilemma you are facing.

i say the same thing to him, so i guess im just projecting when i assume that he's lying to me. i wish i could overcome this worry of hurting others. i just want to get on the damn bus haha

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Reading the OP and post #3, something came to mind that I think may help with perspective.

I figured out long ago that worry is a self-focused emotion. When someone would tell me they worried about me, it was about them, not me, and they were wanting me to take ownership of their feelings and manage them for them. They wanted me to change something or do something so that they would be comfortable and/or soothed. So I generally ignore when someone says they're worried about me, or I gently hand it back. I'm open to hearing if someone is concerned about me, then it's more likely to be about me. Then it's about caring about my well-being, about my state or condition, not about controlling or directing me so that their emotional state improves.

Therefore, are you genuinely concerned about your friend, or are you wanting him to change or do something so that your emotional state will be soothed? And if he worried about you, would it be genuine concern, or would he just be wanting his emotional state soothed? If either or both are the case, then you've got boundary issues between you. Either you're not or neither of you is recognizing each other as autonomous, separate individuals, but instead are enmeshed.

I hope you didn't take this as me shaming you or making you wrong. My intention was to bring some clarity that would ease unnecessary suffering, help to consider what is in your control and what is not, and help to consider what your focus and needs actually are, which will give you more power instead of how disempowered you seem to be feeling.

 

[self.destractive]

Reading the OP and post #3, something came to mind that I think may help with perspective.

I figured out long ago that worry is a self-focused emotion. When someone would tell me they worried about me, it was about them, not me, and they were wanting me to take ownership of their feelings and manage them for them. They wanted me to change something or do something so that they would be comfortable and/or soothed. So I generally ignore when someone says they're worried about me, or I gently hand it back. I'm open to hearing if someone is concerned about me, then it's more likely to be about me. Then it's about caring about my well-being, about my state or condition, not about controlling or directing me so that their emotional state improves.

Therefore, are you genuinely concerned about your friend, or are you wanting him to change or do something so that your emotional state will be soothed? And if he worried about you, would it be genuine concern, or would he just be wanting his emotional state soothed? If either or both are the case, then you've got boundary issues between you. Either you're not or neither of you is recognizing each other as autonomous, separate individuals, but instead are enmeshed.

I hope you didn't take this as me shaming you or making you wrong. My intention was to bring some clarity that would ease unnecessary suffering, help to consider what is in your control and what is not, and help to consider what your focus and needs actually are, which will give you more power instead of how disempowered you seem to be feeling.

never thought of it that way, thank you

i guess i am more worried about him than concerned. id blame myself if he went. i understand that its selfish and that in the end its his choice, but emotionally i just. cant let go. i dont know how to

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

id blame myself if he went. i

Is he an adult?

 

[Øystein]

Reading the OP and post #3, something came to mind that I think may help with perspective.

I figured out long ago that worry is a self-focused emotion. When someone would tell me they worried about me, it was about them, not me, and they were wanting me to take ownership of their feelings and manage them for them. They wanted me to change something or do something so that they would be comfortable and/or soothed. So I generally ignore when someone says they're worried about me, or I gently hand it back. I'm open to hearing if someone is concerned about me, then it's more likely to be about me. Then it's about caring about my well-being, about my state or condition, not about controlling or directing me so that their emotional state improves.

Therefore, are you genuinely concerned about your friend, or are you wanting him to change or do something so that your emotional state will be soothed? And if he worried about you, would it be genuine concern, or would he just be wanting his emotional state soothed? If either or both are the case, then you've got boundary issues between you. Either you're not or neither of you is recognizing each other as autonomous, separate individuals, but instead are enmeshed.

I hope you didn't take this as me shaming you or making you wrong. My intention was to bring some clarity that would ease unnecessary suffering, help to consider what is in your control and what is not, and help to consider what your focus and needs actually are, which will give you more power instead of how disempowered you seem to be feeling.

Curious, how do you interpret not wanting someone to worry about you then? Whenever you hear someone say that, do you think they too understand worry as self centred act?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Curious, how do you interpret not wanting someone to worry about you then? Whenever you hear someone say that, do you think they too understand worry as self centred act?

Sorry, I'm not clear about what you're asking. I'm happy to respond, I just don't understand. Would you be willing to clarify?

 

[Øystein]

Sorry, I'm not clear about what you're asking. I'm happy to respond, I just don't understand. Would you be willing to clarify?

Sorry, I'm known for my inability to speak coherently sometimes. My english teachers would always put question marks all over my assignments instead of actually marking them, for example.

Apologies, maybe my question wasn't too clear because it's not related too much to this discussion. You said that when someone claims they are worried about you, you ignore it, because you feel like they are actually only thinking about their own emotional comfort. Therefore I am curious if you ever hear someone say to anyone "I don't want you to worry about me", or even if you used to say that yourself, how do understand the emotions that motivated one to avoid causing worry? Would you say that one who says "don't worry about me" are also motivated by self centred emotions, because they are trying to set themselves free from the ownership of other people's feelings? Or would you say that this unconsciously motivated by not letting others make the case about themselves?

In other words, if you show concern about someone, and they tell you that they don't want you to worry about them, how do you interpret their motives behind saying that?

I'm sorry if this comes out as a word salad and you are unable to answer this. Also, sorry OP for hijacking the thread for a moment.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

In other words, if you show concern about someone, and they tell you that they don't want you to worry about them, how do you interpret their motives behind saying that?

I interpret that as them setting a boundary with me and that their motivation is wanting me to back off. They don't want to let me in, and/or they are rejecting taking on anything they don't want to.

 

[self.destractive]

Is he an adult?

hes either 17 or 18, i dont remember

Also, sorry OP for hijacking the thread for a moment.

nah bro youre fine!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

hes either 17 or 18, i dont remember

How old are you?

 

[self.destractive]

How old are you?

turned 18 last august, im a little older than him

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

turned 18 last august, im a little older than him

Okay, just curious. I don't know what you can do for him except for just listen and care. If he's a minor and in an abusive situation that's causing him to want to end his life, then maybe he needs access to resources, someone who will intervene with his family or get him to safety. It can be dangerous to step in, and he also has to want the help or he might resent being interfered with. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to just accept them and to listen, and trust that they'll work things out in their own way in their own time. And if you choose to ctb, then it's up to him how he manages it. Neither of you can stop each other from doing anything, but you can care about each other.

It's really challenging with you both being so young. I wish there were better resources and supports for both of you. If you want them, though, you've got to reach out, ask questions, do what you need to do for yourself. And he needs to do the same.

Those are just my thoughts. I wish I could offer more. Take what serves and toss what doesn't.

Sending you both lots of compassion.