Workshop Your Suicide Note

[MexicanTravels]

As I write my suicide note, I thought it might be useful to have a sort of "workshopping" thread similar to what occurs in literary circles. Post your suicide note and offer comments on the notes others have posted.

Some resources to help you get started on writing your suicide note:

https://www.afterasuicide.nz/looking-after-yourself-and-others/answering-difficult-questions/

https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html

Try to be kind and offer constructive criticism.

I'll post my own note-in-progress soon.

 

[Johnnythefox]

I was considering doing a video also, mostly detailing my life through photos.
I will probably say a bit about my reasons also.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I'm not bothering to write a note. No point to it in my case.

 

[Misanthrope]

Don't think my note will need any editing. It will literally consist of. "Sorry all, but I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Much love." Beyond that will be practical things. I fear if I wrote more they may well over analyse it. Less said, less to be misinterpreted in ways I wont be around to correct. But that is just my opinion.

 

[stellabelle]

I'm not bothering to write a note. No point to it in my case.

Same. It's futile

 

[MexicanTravels]

Here's my note to my sister. I am going to send her a delayed email.

-------------

If you are reading this, I am dead.

First, I would like to thank you and the rest of the family for caring so much for me. None of you are at fault. I needed to do this for myself. My health was deteriorating and I wanted to meet death on my own terms.

How did I die? I ingested 3 bottles of Nembutal. My death was painless.

Now, some housekeeping is in order.

Regarding my Body:
My body is in the silver Ford Focus I used to drive near the house. Try to find it before it decays too much. I should be in a diaper to prevent fluids from leaking onto the car.
Once you've called the police, call 800-417-3747. This is the number for Science Care. They will take my whole body and sell useful parts of it to scientific organizations. Included in this service is free transportation of the body and cremation. Mamá and Papá won't have to pay a dime.
If Science Care doesn't accept me, try MedCure: 1-866-560-2525.

Regarding my Work:
In my hard drives is all the art that I have made. If you receive requests to print copies of my art, you can find all the pieces on there. Use the highest quality pieces. Please note that you need a MacBook to access the hard drives. I have left my MacBook behind. Go to your local computer dealer and tell him to reformat the computer to have a fresh computer. ***** can keep a copy of her portrait. I should also be receiving copies of my work through the mail. If you must, donate my pieces to the Nasher Museum of Art or the Cameron Art Museum.

Regarding my Stuff:
You or ****** can keep my books. There are very valuable and rare books in my collection so try not to just give them away. You can keep my computer, my iPhone, and the money in my ******* account. I have left some undeveloped photo film on my bed. Develop the photos when you can.

Again, thank you for being my sister. I will forever cherish our time together. See you on the other side when the time is right.

 

[sólstafir]

That's what holding me back right now, not haven't written a note. Ideally I would like my family to understand that living with mind like mine only brings me pain every day. But at the same time I feel how impossible task it is to write a good note that I will be satisfied with. Every family member lives in their own bubble, so it's really hard for them to put themselves into my shoes, because they don't know what it means to be me. I wish my note would bring some sort of understanding to them. So I feel as if it's a bit my responsibility to explain myself to make them feel less confused. I really hate the destruction I will bring to this family, but I'm never in right mindset to write a note. It bothers me so much. To find the right words to ease the pain of others and explain myself at the same time seems impossible with depressed mind right now and it just eats me from inside.

 

[AlePizarnik]

I have nobody so I won't be writing a note

 

[TheCrow]

I'm not bothering to write a note. No point to it in my case.

Me neither! Glad I'm not the only one. Though lately I question if I should write something to like, one person so that people don't make up their own shitty reasons in addition to the obvious ones.

 

[antivita]

I don't have anything written yet but I've thought a lot about how I'll distribute the letters. Right now my plan is to write individual notes to a handful of people and then a general note that I'll attach to each one and leave near my body. The general note would probably just have my requests for cremation/burial, my memorial service (I don't want one), and how to deal with my belongings. I've thought about actually mailing out everything before I CTB so I have motivation to follow through, but I'm worried about what might happen if my method doesn't work.

 

[21Neberg]

Here's my note to my sister. I am going to send her a delayed email.

-------------

If you are reading this, I am dead.

First, I would like to thank you and the rest of the family for caring so much for me. None of you are at fault. I needed to do this for myself. My health was deteriorating and I wanted to meet death on my own terms.

How did I die? I ingested 3 bottles of Nembutal. My death was painless.

Now, some housekeeping is in order.

Regarding my Body:
My body is in the silver Ford Focus I used to drive near the house. Try to find it before it decays too much. I should be in a diaper to prevent fluids from leaking onto the car.
Once you've called the police, call 800-417-3747. This is the number for Science Care. They will take my whole body and sell useful parts of it to scientific organizations. Included in this service is free transportation of the body and cremation. Mamá and Papá won't have to pay a dime.
If Science Care doesn't accept me, try MedCure: 1-866-560-2525.

Regarding my Work:
In my hard drives is all the art that I have made. If you receive requests to print copies of my art, you can find all the pieces on there. Use the highest quality pieces. Please note that you need a MacBook to access the hard drives. I have left my MacBook behind. Go to your local computer dealer and tell him to reformat the computer to have a fresh computer. ***** can keep a copy of her portrait. I should also be receiving copies of my work through the mail. If you must, donate my pieces to the Nasher Museum of Art or the Cameron Art Museum.

Regarding my Stuff:
You or ****** can keep my books. There are very valuable and rare books in my collection so try not to just give them away. You can keep my computer, my iPhone, and the money in my ******* account. I have left some undeveloped photo film on my bed. Develop the photos when you can.

Again, thank you for being my sister. I will forever cherish our time together. See you on the other side when the time is right.

That is a beautiful note! Certainly a lot better than I could ever make one. Do you have a proper method set out yet?

 

[MexicanTravels]

That is a beautiful note! Certainly a lot better than I could ever make one. Do you have a proper method set out yet?

Thanks! And yeah I have my method. I state it in my letter that I ingested 3 bottles of N.

 

[21Neberg]

oh im sorry my bad. I'm not too familiar with N and SN yet.

 

[Smilla]

Here is mine to my brother: a very rough draft

When you read this I will be dead, and while I am indeed sorry it has come to this, I believe this was a rational, well-informed decision to end pain due to life circumstances I found completely intolerable which left me a shell of a human being. As you know, my emotional constitution has always been volatile and I find myself no longer able to deal with the world around me, or, more importantly, myself.

Practical Matters:

X is my executor and should be able to handle closing the estate. I've requested no obituary or mention of my death in the papers beyond what is necessary to close out the estate (ie a legal notice).

Am sorry our relationship was so fraught with difficulty but know that i am finally at peace, and I don't view this as a tragedy per se because I am finally free from years of intolerable suffering.

Love to all and goodbye,
Smilla

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

Mine is a bit lengthy, as ive written specific notes for certain people

I'm sorry, I just can't see the point in living. There seems to be no overarching purpose to being alive, and existing just hurts so much it doesn't seem worth it to me to keep going. Nothing really makes me happy and I feel empty all the time, and no matter what I do nothing changes. I have so many great friends and a beautiful girlfriend and supportive family but it still isn't enough, and I don't think anything can really fill the void in me.
I love you guys, and please don't feel guilty or anything, there's nothing that could've been done. I've thought about this for a long time, and I've made sure this is what I wanted.
B: you've been there for me basically since I moved here and I'm so thankful. You're a great friend and I'm glad I got to know you, keep rockin dad, I fuckin love you man (no homo), I am very glad I met you and if you die I will fight your ghost, don't test me. You still got a lot to offer to this world.
E: You're a ridiculously amazing person and I can't believe you found it in you to love me, thank you for making me so happy and giving me love I don't deserve. Don't let me leaving keep you down, you're absolutely amazing and beautiful and you got a lot of potential to have an amazing life. Seriously, you made me feel wanted for once, and I'm so so glad I met you. I hope you find an amazing guy or girl that makes you happy and treats you right, you deserve the best. Love you so much bae
S and M: thank you for being basically the only good thing to come out of Fayetteville and being there for me through my break up and hanging out with me on Xbox and at church, love you two so much, you're both amazing people. You've given me a lot of fond memories, I'm gonna miss playing r6 and bf1 with you guys.
Mom and dad: please don't feel like you've failed, or should've seen the signs or done more or anything like that. Trust me when I say this would've happened regardless, I know my head will never give me any peace. You two have done a lot for me even when I don't deserve it and I'm thankful
L: You're an absolutely amazing sister and person, I'm glad you're my sister and I love you so much. You mean the absolute world to me, you have so much potential and I want you to go on and fulfill that potential, no matter what anyone else says.
After I'm gone please give B my bass and electric guitar if he wants it, and also make sure he gets Pokemon Pearl back, it's in my ds. You can do whatever with the rest of my stuff. In terms of funeral please don't spend loads of money, just do something super cheap. I mean it, don't go spending lots of money on a funeral for me, do whatever is cheapest please. Also don't say make it seem like I was a Christian or give me a Christian funeral, I don't believe in that anymore and it would be dishonest to say I was. And if you believe that I'm in hell that's truly sad, but I hope that your beliefs comfort you instead. Idk what happens after death but hopefully it's better than what's in my head, and besides, we all die eventually, my time just came a bit sooner.
I know me leaving is going to hurt you, and I feel so bad about that. You're all going to be in so much pain because of me and I wish there was some other way, but I can't keep living like this. I hope writing all this lets you all know that none of this is anyone's fault, no one should stay up late at night wishing they had done more or noticed the signs, and that I'm thankful for everyone of you. Thank you for everything, if there's an afterlife I'll see you on the other side. Today I find peace.

i really want to try to minimize guilt as much as i can, and try to help them understand why i chose to ctb. Hopefully its good, I edit it every now and then to try to word things better

 

[TAW122]

@MexicanTravels Really beautiful note, it is concise and to the point as well as of full of passion and comfort.

@Smilla Good note and I like how you tied loose ends with your brother.

@Lil_Intro_Vert Really detailed note and I like how you comforted your family as well as thoroughly explaining your choice and sharing some good memories.

 

[QuickandPainless]

I would write a note in hopes that the people that hurt me would realize the error of their ways and would feel guilt so that they won't treat anyone else the way they treat me but I had a suicide attempt almost 2 years ago and it changed nothing. My words won't mean anything and they will all think I'm selfish no matter what I say. They will all blame me and convince themselves that they did no wrongs to me. I want to write a note so badly but I feel like it will just be a waste of my time. The thought of that just makes me more sad and more willing to ctb.

 

[Roadkill]

I won't be writing any notes.. I have no friends, not even my sister... she has been so mean to me during my depression...even though she knows I want to kill myself... the other day she wrote a ridiculous "tough love" email that was more like a lecture... it made me even more suicidal..

 

[QuickandPainless]

I won't be writing any notes.. I have no friends, not even my sister... she has been so mean to me during my depression...even though she knows I want to kill myself... the other day she wrote a ridiculous "tough love" email that was more like a lecture... it made me even more suicidal..

Those people make me hate humanity even more and make me want to ctb even more.

 

[Roadkill]

Those people make me hate humanity even more and make me want to ctb even more.

me too... humanity sucks for the most part

 

[Smilla]

I would write a note in hopes that the people that hurt me would realize the error of their ways and would feel guilt so that they won't treat anyone else the way they treat me but I had a suicide attempt almost 2 years ago and it changed nothing. My words won't mean anything and they will all think I'm selfish no matter what I say. They will all blame me and convince themselves that they did no wrongs to me. I want to write a note so badly but I feel like it will just be a waste of my time. The thought of that just makes me more sad and more willing to ctb.

The universe is unfair. It's horrible and I know how you feel, as trite those words are.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[GhostedToast]

my last words will likely be in a call there wont be a not or final message.

 

[dumbfarang]

right on man nice note. im gonna be leaving a website kind of like this guy - http://martin-manley.eprci.com/

 

[Kyrok]

If you're reading this, I'm not really dead. This is a replacement double left to make it look like I killed myself. I'll contact you when it's safe.

 

[Lunaemoth]

I'll be working on my note tomorrow... I've been trying and failing a lot. I sometimes think I shouldn't bother, because this will hardly my first attempt and they know most of it already. But I always gain more reasons to ctb between each attempt, and I also feel like they deserve a proper goodbye. So, I'll post in this thread again tomorrow if I can manage a draft.

 

[Lunaemoth]

My rough draft of my note is as follows:

I'm so very, very sorry.

Before I say anything else , pease believe that I did not seek to cause anyone pain... Only to ease my own. I feel great grief and guilt that I must leave you all this way, and many times before my guilt has caused me not to act on my desire to end my life. However, guilt is not enough to live on. I cannot live only to avoid hurting others.

Though I have been planning this attempt for months, and have had the means for weeks, this is something I have desperately wished for for years. When I was young and first stopped caring about my life, first started trying to take it, I was told life would get better. But for the past 15 years, my life has only gotten worse. I am not smart, or clever, or pretty. Not intelligent or interesting or driven. I have no purpose, no passion, nothing to live for. I love (my dog), but I cannot live only for her. I cannot take care of her, when I cannot even care for myself.

In the past eight years especially, I have lost all will and reason to live. I cared not for the consequences of my actions, because I did not care for my life. I cared only about distracting myself from my pain, so I wouldn't have to think or feel. I was raped, when I was 18. I started smoking, drinking, and cutting. I've burned myself with cigarettes. I've made so many terrible mistakes and horrible decisions that I can never forgive myself for or live with. My mental and physical health has deteriorated drastically. My hearing and eyesight are going, my teeth crumble in my mouth, my body is always in pain from migraines, eye aches, nerve pain and more. I struggle with basic comprehension, memory and retention of knowledge. I cannot sleep and I'm always exhausted. I've been trying to hide my anxieties, but I'm always afraid, and the panic attacks are getting more frequent.

The truth is, I hate myself so very, very much. I have for a very long time. Even if suddenly everything went right in my life (I won the lottery, found the love of my life, got therapy and medications to ease my hurts, whatever), I would still hate myself, and I would not be able to cope with my past and who I've become. This was no spur of the moment attempt, no desperate plea for attention or manic act. I genuinely do not want to live on this Earth any longer, and if I somehow survive this (which I pray I do not), I will still have no fight left, no will to continue living. I will not bother to lie my way out of the hospital again. For all I care, I can rot there.

My main point is - do not blame yourselves for this. My reasons for ending my life have nothing to do with anyone but myself. You have kept me alive this long, and that is a miracle in and of itself. I love you all, and I'm sorry I had to hurt you this way. Im glad I got to have one last Christmas with everyone, and I tried very hard to make it a Merry one, and to say goodbye, in the only way I could. I hope that you will not dwell on me - that you will love your lives and be happy. Maybe one day you can accept my choice, and believe that I am at peace now. Goodbye.

... And that's pretty much it.... I will be also leave instructions for my body (cheap cremation), my dog (going to my mom) and my bird (going to a friend). I have nothing else I'm leaving behind, so it won't be a bother.

 

[Smilla]

My rough draft of my note is as follows:

I'm so very, very sorry.

Before I say anything else , pease believe that I did not seek to cause anyone pain... Only to ease my own. I feel great grief and guilt that I must leave you all this way, and many times before my guilt has caused me not to act on my desire to end my life. However, guilt is not enough to live on. I cannot live only to avoid hurting others.

Though I have been planning this attempt for months, and have had the means for weeks, this is something I have desperately wished for for years. When I was young and first stopped caring about my life, first started trying to take it, I was told life would get better. But for the past 15 years, my life has only gotten worse. I am not smart, or clever, or pretty. Not intelligent or interesting or driven. I have no purpose, no passion, nothing to live for. I love (my dog), but I cannot live only for her. I cannot take care of her, when I cannot even care for myself.

In the past eight years especially, I have lost all will and reason to live. I cared not for the consequences of my actions, because I did not care for my life. I cared only about distracting myself from my pain, so I wouldn't have to think or feel. I was raped, when I was 18. I started smoking, drinking, and cutting. I've burned myself with cigarettes. I've made so many terrible mistakes and horrible decisions that I can never forgive myself for or live with. My mental and physical health has deteriorated drastically. My hearing and eyesight are going, my teeth crumble in my mouth, my body is always in pain from migraines, eye aches, nerve pain and more. I struggle with basic comprehension, memory and retention of knowledge. I cannot sleep and I'm always exhausted. I've been trying to hide my anxieties, but I'm always afraid, and the panic attacks are getting more frequent.

The truth is, I hate myself so very, very much. I have for a very long time. Even if suddenly everything went right in my life (I won the lottery, found the love of my life, got therapy and medications to ease my hurts, whatever), I would still hate myself, and I would not be able to cope with my past and who I've become. This was no spur of the moment attempt, no desperate plea for attention or manic act. I genuinely do not want to live on this Earth any longer, and if I somehow survive this (which I pray I do not), I will still have no fight left, no will to continue living. I will not bother to lie my way out of the hospital again. For all I care, I can rot there.

My main point is - do not blame yourselves for this. My reasons for ending my life have nothing to do with anyone but myself. You have kept me alive this long, and that is a miracle in and of itself. I love you all, and I'm sorry I had to hurt you this way. Im glad I got to have one last Christmas with everyone, and I tried very hard to make it a Merry one, and to say goodbye, in the only way I could. I hope that you will not dwell on me - that you will love your lives and be happy. Maybe one day you can accept my choice, and believe that I am at peace now. Goodbye.

... And that's pretty much it.... I will be also leave instructions for my body (cheap cremation), my dog (going to my mom) and my bird (going to a friend). I have nothing else I'm leaving behind, so it won't be a bother.

Beautiful note. Well done.

 

[Xerxes]

On my body: Problem fixed. Forget me. Be happy.

I do have a longer note prepared that'll be stored on my literature account if anyone ever cared or want to read the entire thing. I doubt it, though.

 

[cu1len]

I'd like to send an email, but I'm not sure how to send a delayed email (never had to use that before) could I have some help?

 

[MexicanTravels]

I'd like to send an email, but I'm not sure how to send a delayed email (never had to use that before) could I have some help?

Yeah! What service do you use? If you use Live mail (formerly Hotmail) or Gmail, you can send a delayed email through Boomerang. It's an add-on you can download.