Discussion Words That Kill

[DeadlineDialer]

I've spent a lot of time lurking on multiple CTB boards and I've noticed one single phrase that just won't leave the conversation.

"It gets better"

Across every forum, post after post after post of either people spouting it like caustic bile from a corroded sewage pipe, or people saying they are sick to bastard death of seeing it, myself included. Being the cynical prick I am, I'm starting to even get sick of people complaining about it, lol. Also being the hypocritical prick I am, I want my turn to complain about it. It's got me thinking and I have a question I want to open to discussion.
Despite how fatuous, cliche, and vague the platitude is, it gets thrown around as much as, if not more than, the "get therapy" band aid (which I can at least recognize as more productive than flat out lying). Personally when I hear it I want to introduce my grey matter to oxygen even more, and I've heard enough to know that I'm not alone in the sentiment. I know that suicidal ideation comes from many different people for all different reasons, let's say for (pulling this number out of my ass) 1/8 suicidal people it *might* help. What grates one person may potentially save another's life, I get that, it's a valid argument. However, many toss this over the topic as though it were some end all retardant that will extinguish every feeling and thought of agony.

I'm left wondering now that if all the parrots who slap their "I tried" sticker into the discussion are simply ignorant to how grating it is to hear, or if they flat out don't care. If that is the case, why would they bother? In general, do you think it's better to just say nothing when there's nothing to be said? Do you think the phrase is more destructive than helpful? What are some other phrases that you feel hurt more than they help?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

For many of us here, it can never get better.
I suffer from untreatable, persistent depression, and have done for many years now.
I find the phrase " It gets better " to be deeply offensive.

 

[R_N]

Some things can improve, it is ignorant to think they can't. For example when I was effed by psychiatry I though I will never be able to sleep enough for my brain to work and I will become a plant incapable of thinking. But my condition improved a little over time.

Still, life is pointless in the end. Even if one person doesn't suffer a lot, there are plenty of others that do. Diseases, conflict, death, destruction, poverty...
And no one escapes in the end which is why reproducing is the thing that prolongs this pointless cycle.

But I don't think there is anything wrong to soothe our/others pain while we live. It is better than just adding more to it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I hate it because it assumes that 'getting better' is passive. 'It' just happens. In my experience- it doesn't. Everything in life takes work. (And even then, it doesn't always work.) Then- it assumes and insists that the person must put in that work. Then- if it does happen to improve the situation- they will turn round and say- 'See- I told you things would work their way out.' But I doubt they did just magically work their way out. That person probably tried really hard to pull themselves out. What if they don't have the energy for that? Is a genie going to appear and grant all their wishes? Is that person going to actually give up their time to help them?

Plus, I just think it's a dismissive thing to say. It's a- quit moaning about your problems because they will magically go away soon.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

For many of us here, it can never get better.
I suffer from untreatable, persistent depression, and have done for many years now.
I find the phrase " It gets better " to be deeply offensive.

Crushingly, yet undeniably true, a very harsh fact of life is that nothing is certain. Things have a potential to get better, but they're much more likely to stagnate or get so much worse. Things completely out of your control will drag you deeper into the slog you're already stuck in and drown you in it. No amount of closing your eyes and thinking about a happy future will fix a broken present. People don't want to accept the fact that life can and will beat you down without a shred of mercy, and there's a likely possibility that you will never recover from it, and nothing you could have done to stop it. It's scary, terrifying actually, I suppose I understand why they would choose to ignore it, but it's a hard thought to escape.

Some things can improve, it is ignorant to think they can't. For example when I was effed by psychiatry I though I will never be able to sleep enough for my brain to work and I will become a plant incapable of thinking. But my condition improved a little over time.

Still, life is pointless in the end. Even if one person doesn't suffer a lot, there are plenty of others that do. Diseases, conflict, death, destruction, poverty...
And no one escapes in the end which is why reproducing is the thing that prolongs this pointless cycle.

But I don't think there is anything wrong to soothe our/others pain while we live. It is better than just adding more to it.

Absolutely, as I said, the words may help some, looking forward to a bright goal can help guide many through the darkness in life. For many, however, some like me may have no goals, or others whom have a looming threat ready to kill them regardless of action. To say this to those people is not only a lie but salt in the wound, better off having said nothing. I suppose I'm just a quiet type, I enjoy things in a silent way, if I have nothing to say, I'd rather not say it. I feel as though a lot of people talk when there's no need to. None of this is to say we can't support people, but there's better advice to be given, better words to use, and I believe some people should pick them better and think before they speak.

Personally, I hate it because it assumes that 'getting better' is passive. 'It' just happens. In my experience- it doesn't. Everything in life takes work. (And even then, it doesn't always work.) Then- it assumes and insists that the person must put in that work. Then- if it does happen to improve the situation- they will turn round and say- 'See- I told you things would work their way out.' But I doubt they did just magically work their way out. That person probably tried really hard to pull themselves out. What if they don't have the energy for that? Is a genie going to appear and grant all their wishes? Is that person going to actually give up their time to help them?

Plus, I just think it's a dismissive thing to say. It's a- quit moaning about your problems because they will magically go away soon.

I feel that. It's like, yeah, things could (and that's a big could) get better, but they fucking suck right now. It gets tiring wading through a bog of shitty feelings day by day, night to night with some vague hope of reaching some theoretical oasis that might be out there somewhere. I've tried some, I've had alright days, but things definitely haven't felt better, I don't expect that to change now of all times. Frankly, It's a big fear of mine to crawl around this world, exhausting all my options, trying every solution, testing every water, just to find there really is nothing out there worth sticking around for. Wasted time, unnecessary suffering, broken hearts, all to find out it wasn't going to get better. I understand that you get what you look for, if you want to look at things like they're getting better, then maybe they'll feel better. Life is all subjective, but feelings are a hard subject to disregard. Maybe I'm drawn to negativity, maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm just a miserable schmuck. I feel the way I feel, and it feels like shit, I feel like I don't want to keep going.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Crushingly, yet undeniably true, a very harsh fact of life is that nothing is certain. Things have a potential to get better, but they're much more likely to stagnate or get so much worse. Things completely out of your control will drag you deeper into the slog you're already stuck in and drown you in it. No amount of closing your eyes and thinking about a happy future will fix a broken present. People don't want to accept the fact that life can and will beat you down without a shred of mercy, and there's a likely possibility that you will never recover from it, and nothing you could have done to stop it. It's scary, terrifying actually, I suppose I understand why they would choose to ignore it, but it's a hard thought to escape.


Absolutely, as I said, the words may help some, looking forward to a bright goal can help guide many through the darkness in life. For many, however, some like me may have no goals, or others whom have a looming threat ready to kill them regardless of action. To say this to those people is not only a lie but salt in the wound, better off having said nothing. I suppose I'm just a quiet type, I enjoy things in a silent way, if I have nothing to say, I'd rather not say it. I feel as though a lot of people talk when there's no need to. None of this is to say we can't support people, but there's better advice to be given, better words to use, and I believe some people should pick them better and think before they speak.


I feel that. It's like, yeah, things could (and that's a big could) get better, but they fucking suck right now. It gets tiring wading through a bog of shitty feelings day by day, night to night with some vague hope of reaching some theoretical oasis that might be out there somewhere. I've tried some, I've had alright days, but things definitely haven't felt better, I don't expect that to change now of all times. Frankly, It's a big fear of mine to crawl around this world, exhausting all my options, trying every solution, testing every water, just to find there really is nothing out there worth sticking around for. Wasted time, unnecessary suffering, broken hearts, all to find out it wasn't going to get better. I understand that you get what you look for, if you want to look at things like they're getting better, then maybe they'll feel better. Life is all subjective, but feelings are a hard subject to disregard. Maybe I'm drawn to negativity, maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm just a miserable schmuck. I feel the way I feel, and it feels like shit, I feel like I don't want to keep going.

Beautifully stated, it's as though you are in my head.

 

[carac]

I would probably describe myself as one of the more optimistic people here. I completely recognise how futile and insensitive the words "it gets better" can be. When I was at my worst I needed a real cure or death, any words were meaningless. What I would subscribe to is that "it can be better". It certainly did in my situation, unfortunately, in many situations, the right help isn't out there to get to the root of the problems. And there isn't the support out there for people while they investigate these issues.

 

[Darkover]

life a gift
life is what you make of it
life it gets better
it gods plan

 

[ringo99]

My favorite phrases are "Don't feel that way", "Snap out of it" and "Do something about it". When I hear them I'm SO tempted to turn a suicide into a murder-suicide.

 

[AllAlone]

Our society values optimism over realism. People say things like "it gets better" because they think that is what will help. They are just trying to provide hope even if the chances of someone getting better are slim. If they were honest and said "yeah, things probably won't get better" they would be looked down upon by the rest of society for being negative. They mean well, and are just trying to help. Those of us who are beaten down by life know things don't get better but the people saying otherwise are not malicious, they just don't understand.

 

[R_N]

Crushingly, yet undeniably true, a very harsh fact of life is that nothing is certain. Things have a potential to get better, but they're much more likely to stagnate or get so much worse. Things completely out of your control will drag you deeper into the slog you're already stuck in and drown you in it. No amount of closing your eyes and thinking about a happy future will fix a broken present. People don't want to accept the fact that life can and will beat you down without a shred of mercy, and there's a likely possibility that you will never recover from it, and nothing you could have done to stop it. It's scary, terrifying actually, I suppose I understand why they would choose to ignore it, but it's a hard thought to escape.


Absolutely, as I said, the words may help some, looking forward to a bright goal can help guide many through the darkness in life. For many, however, some like me may have no goals, or others whom have a looming threat ready to kill them regardless of action. To say this to those people is not only a lie but salt in the wound, better off having said nothing. I suppose I'm just a quiet type, I enjoy things in a silent way, if I have nothing to say, I'd rather not say it. I feel as though a lot of people talk when there's no need to. None of this is to say we can't support people, but there's better advice to be given, better words to use, and I believe some people should pick them better and think before they speak.


I feel that. It's like, yeah, things could (and that's a big could) get better, but they fucking suck right now. It gets tiring wading through a bog of shitty feelings day by day, night to night with some vague hope of reaching some theoretical oasis that might be out there somewhere. I've tried some, I've had alright days, but things definitely haven't felt better, I don't expect that to change now of all times. Frankly, It's a big fear of mine to crawl around this world, exhausting all my options, trying every solution, testing every water, just to find there really is nothing out there worth sticking around for. Wasted time, unnecessary suffering, broken hearts, all to find out it wasn't going to get better. I understand that you get what you look for, if you want to look at things like they're getting better, then maybe they'll feel better. Life is all subjective, but feelings are a hard subject to disregard. Maybe I'm drawn to negativity, maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm just a miserable schmuck. I feel the way I feel, and it feels like shit, I feel like I don't want to keep going.

I was speaking from my own experience. Like if someone has an issue that I am familiar with why shouldn't I try to give them advice? It is just an advice, there is nothing harmful about it and no one is forced to accept it.

Also a lot of us can't just die this instant and it is better to live in less pain than more. This is common sense to me.

Life is hard as it is, I don't mind advice myself regardless if I disagree with it.

 

[puella]

In general, do you think it's better to just say nothing when there's nothing to be said?

I like to tell people anything I think will comfort them. I think this is better than doing nothing, even if I can't actually say anything useful.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

I would probably describe myself as one of the more optimistic people here. I completely recognise how futile and insensitive the words "it gets better" can be. When I was at my worst I needed a real cure or death, any words were meaningless. What I would subscribe to is that "it can be better". It certainly did in my situation, unfortunately, in many situations, the right help isn't out there to get to the root of the problems. And there isn't the support out there for people while they investigate these issues.

To me personally, hearing "it can be better" gets me going "yeah, things could be a lot better, huh" lol. I feel that phrase still doesn't properly address the uncertainty of ones situation. That's not to put it down though, I get where you're coming from. That thought process of "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is far more help than an empty promise or just telling someone to give up altogether. If I had to talk a suicidal person down I'd much rather use that than lie to them and cross my fingers they don't realize the truth later down the line.

life a gift
life is what you make of it
life it gets better
it gods plan

Life is a gift... Yeah, an old sweater covered in moth-eaten holes passed down by my aunt cause she forgot she had it in her closet for longer than I've been alive.

As for "life is what you make of it" I can at least see where they're coming from, doesn't make it any less stupid though. For some problems in life, they are circumstances in which you have to take things into your hands. If someone doesn't think life is worth living, they probably won't care all too much about doing anything to keep on living it. It's a no brainer that they won't find solutions because they're not looking for them. Looking at things as though they can be fixed and attempting to do so is obviously more likely to actually solve them. People like to focus on that because you can change little issues with a mindset like that, people will cling to what little control they have. But on a fundamental level, life sucks, and a number of it's issues flat out can't be solved. I often even get the people that make the remarks in the first place agreeing on that. If life is so flawed even in their eyes, then the only agreed upon solution is to look past, just forget about it and live in ignorance. For many like me, if you can't live that lie, you're just fucked, so we're going to make of it that life is a great steaming fetid pile of dogshit.

I'm not religious, but I have read the bible and I see the good in it as a concept to hold onto hope for. But I have to say, that particular delusion makes my blood boil to no end. You think a god who loves you planned to put you through unbearable hardship and misery just as a fun little game? They planned for that? They consciously thought to put you through that as some test? To make sure you're worthy enough to get into his exclusive club at the end by creating a situation that doesn't need to be? What, are we gonna be offered the opportunity to sin in heaven, so he has to make sure we don't take anyone up on it once we're there? What exactly is he planning for?

Our society values optimism over realism. People say things like "it gets better" because they think that is what will help. They are just trying to provide hope even if the chances of someone getting better are slim. If they were honest and said "yeah, things probably won't get better" they would be looked down upon by the rest of society for being negative. They mean well, and are just trying to help. Those of us who are beaten down by life know things don't get better but the people saying otherwise are not malicious, they just don't understand.

That's fair, no point in repeating things suck if we already know that, it doesn't do anyone any good. But I say it's just as useless to say it gets better when they and even we know it won't. If someone is really so naive as to think that just because things have been good for them, then it will be for everyone else, I believe they have no place to speak in such a matter. In the end, we all know society loves to hear itself talk, and we'll never hear the end of these phrases, but it would be nice for people to actually address the issues of the world than perpetuate the cycle. Wishful thinking, I know, but can't we all dream?

My favorite phrases are "Don't feel that way", "Snap out of it" and "Do something about it". When I hear them I'm SO tempted to turn a suicide into a murder-suicide.

So incredible when people say this, no tact, no thoughts rattling around in that little tin can of theirs. So stupid of them... to have not told me this earlier! I was sitting over here feeling like shit when I could've just not! Thank god there are people out there like this who can save as many lives and fix as many issues as they have. True top minds, they are.

I was speaking from my own experience. Like if someone has an issue that I am familiar with why shouldn't I try to give them advice? It is just an advice, there is nothing harmful about it and no one is forced to accept it.

Also a lot of us can't just die this instant and it is better to live in less pain than more. This is common sense to me.

Life is hard as it is, I don't mind advice myself regardless if I disagree with it.

I like to tell people anything I think will comfort them. I think this is better than doing nothing, even if I can't actually say anything useful.

That's fair and you're valid, maybe I've grown so numb and contentious that I've lost touch with how much words actually mean to people. Maybe I'm putting others down because, in my selfishness, I can't see through my own darkened lens of indifference. What means nothing and serves as an insult to someone like me could mean the world to another, I suppose. No way to escape your own mind, and it's frightening.

 

[R_N]

I like to tell people anything I think will comfort them. I think this is better than doing nothing, even if I can't actually say anything useful.

Yeah, same. And I am not being rude and insensitive when I give people advice like some of the examples people mentioned in this thread. I also agree that is kinda ignorant thing to do. People can't just "snap out of it".

My views on life are not positive at all, but if life is hell, the only thing we can try is to comfort each other somehow until we are gone. What else is there to do really?

 

[wait.what]

If I remember right, "It gets better"™ entered the suicide prevention lexicon in a very specific context. There had been some much-reported-on suicides of LGBTQ+ teenagers, casualties of cyber bullying and unsupportive families. Somewhere in there one of the Gay Men's Choruses did a YouTube video of them singing the words "it gets better" in a round, to the tune of Frere Jacques.

There are a whole lot of reasons why that phrase, particularly attached to a nursery school song, might not be appropriate for the subject, even if you make allowances for the fact that many of the singers must have felt that they were reassuring their younger selves that life would one day feel worth living. In the choristers' defense, though, I doubt any of them imagined that either the video or the cheery little phrase they used would prove to be so stubbornly viral.

For the life of me, I can't fathom how "it gets better" made the jump from "gay adult men encouraging gay teen boys and/or their own 'inner children'" to RandomScreenName653 offering a baseless prognostication to a total stranger on the internet. Okay, yes, I can fathom it, I'd just rather pretend ignorance because the truth is depressing. Most people's ability to empathize is more limited than they would like to admit, and severe depression isn't something most people have experienced anyway. Also, people like short and easy slogans, and often don't think very hard about what comes out of their mouths.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just absurd insensitive pro-life drivel, I cannot take the pro-lifers who repeat it seriously and I see it as best ignored. In general I just cannot stand pro-lifers who push their harmful delusions onto other people, they repulse me, I also despise anything like "life is beautiful, just get help, you need help, permanent solution to temporary problem".

All these pro-life comments automatically imply that existence is something very valuable and worth enduring in the first place, but to me existence could never be desirable and wanting to die is all that feels rational to me. I will always prefer the sound of non-existence to suffering in this meaningless and pointless existence that just causes harm.