Venting Wording things

[Alpenglow]

When I speak with another person, I think about how they feel, what they're thinking, and then I pick out the right words. Sometimes, to make them not feel bad, I have to keep things to myself because mundane things may cause distress to them if I assume things, if I don't ask, if I don't think.

If I care about someone, and I ask them to do something while making it clear (to anyone with half a brain cell) that I would be sad if it weren't done, they'd probably do it, even if it's not in their best interest, because they care about me. They're willing to make a sacrifice for me. Because someone who cares about a person is willing to put themselves second to help them. So maybe I'm an absolute idiot, maybe I'm missing some fundamental truth about social interaction because somehow that doesn't extend to words.

Why would someone ask me to do something I don't want when they know I'm feeling like shit??? They want to help me, I know they care about me. But why do I have to help them figure out how to help me? I have to spell it out that because I care about them, if they ask me to do something to make them feel better, I'll do it, even if I don't want to. When things are ok for the both of us, I always make the choice that makes them happier even if it inconveniences me, because I had the excess energy to. Now that I don't, now that I actually need someone to look out for me, they can't do the same. Something that I do on a regular basis for them, they cannot do for me when I need it. Thanks for helping. Unfortunately you never succeeded, and you're actually making things worse. Cool.

I know it's not reasonable to expect people to hold back on making their desires know for the sake of another person. It's a choice that shows a person care a lot. But I don't even think they know it is a choice, they're not even aware. It's not their fault. Rationally, I can't be mad at them. I can't change myself and what I want from my relationships so it's not my fault. Rationally, I shouldn't blame myself. It's just the human condition. But can I really be blamed for resenting them for not reciprocating the efforts I make and hating myself for being this way. I mean clearly I'm doing something wrong, there's only one common denominator here and I can only be so stupid. Right? Maybe I'm just stupid because from my point of view, of course I know what I'm feeling. But you do have to wonder, does it even cross their mind? Do they actually think about how they word things?

I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm depressed over nothing anyways and saying that just makes me more pathetic.

 

[pole]

to sum it up, no it is not your fault for feeling this way. it isn't nothing either.

doesn't it feel natural for us who constantly give to have that reciprocated? hoping that a person returns the favour when we need them the most without having to actually spell it out for them when push comes to shove?

the problem is, people are people.

I've been treated like a doormat, used, and discarded throughout my entire life. these are feelings that have stuck with me and will never leave. however, each time it happens, I cannot help shake this feeling of "hope", that the person maybe gives a shit, perhaps they're different and will be there for me.

for the past few years, that expectation I had is dead. Instead, I've grown to guard my gentle heart and give that side of myself to a select few, mainly animals, but most importantly, I expect nothing in return because I know how people and this world are. I'm also tired.

it is hard to muster up the strength and speak about what you're going through inside. I would rather someone fill in the blanks for me. at the same time, sometimes it is necessary to spell it out for someone. communication is key and not everyone is as aware, they aren't mind readers either.

but, if this becomes a constant theme with someone, and even after you've spelled it out for them, they do not reciprocate in the way you'd like, that's a THEM problem and has nothing to do with you. I have grown to walk away in these situations because I realize that this person does not view me with the same love and care that I view them with.

if I were you, I'd say to them, best of luck because I'm confident in knowing they'll need it trying to find all of this elsewhere in another person. this is what gives me a little more comfort. I'm not the most confident and secure person by any means, I have lots of self hatred, but I know where my strengths lie, and the type of person I could be for someone.

when I'm in a position like yours, I encourage them to leave then and shoo away to others, leave me the fuck alone if that's how much you care. you shouldn't have to beg and plead to be seen.

I hope you get to a point in your life where it'll become easier to detach and let go of people like this. we all deserve someone who views us in the same light + more. zero reason to settle and none of this has been your fault, it has never been you. I hope you find the right support system for you.

lastly, do not give so easily.

all the best.

 

[SexyIncél]

But you do have to wonder, does it even cross their mind? Do they actually think about how they word things?

You're right — it's madness. Words are the easiest way to make someone feel better. Minimum effort, maximum impact

Looking at the mods here, it's obvious they fully understand this principle, when they intervene to defuse conflicts

 

[Cosis]

When I speak with another person, I think about how they feel, what they're thinking, and then I pick out the right words. Sometimes, to make them not feel bad, I have to keep things to myself because mundane things may cause distress to them if I assume things, if I don't ask, if I don't think.

If I care about someone, and I ask them to do something while making it clear (to anyone with half a brain cell) that I would be sad if it weren't done, they'd probably do it, even if it's not in their best interest, because they care about me. They're willing to make a sacrifice for me. Because someone who cares about a person is willing to put themselves second to help them. So maybe I'm an absolute idiot, maybe I'm missing some fundamental truth about social interaction because somehow that doesn't extend to words.

Why would someone ask me to do something I don't want when they know I'm feeling like shit??? They want to help me, I know they care about me. But why do I have to help them figure out how to help me? I have to spell it out that because I care about them, if they ask me to do something to make them feel better, I'll do it, even if I don't want to. When things are ok for the both of us, I always make the choice that makes them happier even if it inconveniences me, because I had the excess energy to. Now that I don't, now that I actually need someone to look out for me, they can't do the same. Something that I do on a regular basis for them, they cannot do for me when I need it. Thanks for helping. Unfortunately you never succeeded, and you're actually making things worse. Cool.

I know it's not reasonable to expect people to hold back on making their desires know for the sake of another person. It's a choice that shows a person care a lot. But I don't even think they know it is a choice, they're not even aware. It's not their fault. Rationally, I can't be mad at them. I can't change myself and what I want from my relationships so it's not my fault. Rationally, I shouldn't blame myself. It's just the human condition. But can I really be blamed for resenting them for not reciprocating the efforts I make and hating myself for being this way. I mean clearly I'm doing something wrong, there's only one common denominator here and I can only be so stupid. Right? Maybe I'm just stupid because from my point of view, of course I know what I'm feeling. But you do have to wonder, does it even cross their mind? Do they actually think about how they word things?

I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm depressed over nothing anyways and saying that just makes me more pathetic.

Because they're too stupid and narcissistic to say "I don't know how to help". So they turn it back on YOU as the reason THEY are not able to do anything. "Well, you're not giving me any ideas". Bitch, if I knew how to help myself why the fuck would be I talking to you? You thinking I like being this miserable? That I wouldn't have helped myself be happy and normal years ago? How retarded are you?

But that's the culture we live in.....Mental Health is the fault of the sufferer and if they don't pull themselves up by their bootstraps then they are the problem.