Venting Word Soup.

[The Ferryman]

Not really sure how to begin this, funny considering so many thoughts swirl around constantly, we had to write something to let it all out but everything is gone. Maybe it's some form of trying to hide? But that makes no sense considering nobody knows who we are, that's how life feels right now. Nobody knows who we are. We have 0 impact on this world, we CTB tonight, nobody would bat an eye. It's weird feeling so, meaningless, it's strange coming to terms with the fact that not a single soul cares enough about you to make you feel like you're worth something. We desperately crave attention from others but can't even go outside normally, it's been months without seeing another person besides our mother, it feels like we'll be cast out and ignored if we were to go outside. It just feels so lonely? We have three friends we talk to consistently enough but even then, they're online friends and we don't even feel like talking to them anymore. We constantly feel like we can't really tell anybody our emotions, and even when we do let the mask slip for a second, it's meaningless. They don't give the "perfect" response or they just don't know what to say. Everything we feel is too complex to really just lay down super easy so it's usually nudges to certain things and we don't even bother doing that anymore because it's not their responsibility and we don't wanna push that onto them. It's like we expect some sort of messiah to just, magically appear out of thin air and make us feel better but even then we still wouldn't be happy. We cannot have a real emotional connection to another person because we could never tell somebody everything, we need to hide, we need to lie, we don't want to be a burden. We feel like an awful person for having these completely bullshit standards but it constantly ruins any form of interaction that isn't perfect. We're incredibly judgemental (in our head, we'd be doubly fucked up if we just told people constantly) to others and it's unfair to the people who are supposed to be our friends that we constantly judge for the most minor reasons. We're sick of this waiting game, we're sick of life being like this constantly, we're sick of blaming everybody but ourself for our shortcomings, it's just a constant cat and mouse of, "Oh, what small game can we distract ourself with today? Ah, night has fallen and now we're remembering why everything sucks again." Rinse and repeat every day, the same thing over and over, and we never get any help, it's been months and we're just slowly going insane with our only reasoning for not CTBing is that "Our mother said that she'd be sad! She recently lost her father, you can't do that to her." It's a constant self guilt trip but at the same time it's a constant loss of happiness just being a static being. No job, no ability to change or buy anything and it's just getting to be too much, we don't want to hurt her, but we'll be damned if we're forced to spend 70-80 years like this. Genuinely, the fact people make it past 20 is baffling, every moment just feels so empty and meaningless, it's just a pitiful distraction of the truth, we mean nothing, we've done nothing, we are nothing. Maybe this is all just some way of saying that we're just too isolated and need people, but even then, who? Who could we make friends with? In every interaction we think the person or people hate us because we misspoke one time or because we said something incorrect in the moment, we're too fucking nervous to let anything nice happen from an interaction, it seems hopeless. Can't imagine having any meaningful conversation irl either, we're a trans dude so we just constantly feel insecure and in the wrong body and that we'll be judged for this rather than what we really are. It's hard to just, fix anything right now and we just want something to numb the pain before CTB, we desperately need sleep meds but our mother is very against medication even thought it's borderline insomnia with how hard it is to sleep... nearly 5 am writing this and we'll probably sleep at 6 am. We just want to compile all our thoughts somewhere and maybe have a chance of having somebody acknowledge us, even then we'll probably have the same thing happen. It's so lonely, we want everything and nothing at the same time and having these conflicting thoughts, it's always really late when this happens, so much stacked on top of each other, how were we ever expected to live long? We desperately want to be diagnosed with, something to just give answers because we just want help with what's wrong, it won't change the outcome, dying is still our only realistic option, but at least some start of knowing what's wrong would help. It's just a random who's who of what's going on and we're completely in the dark, it shouldn't be this uncertain but our thoughts are all over the place making pinpointing anything near impossible for us to try. Asked for a therapist but our mum is really busy so that's probably not going to happen for a while, not that it even matters since we've done so well lying she doesn't think we're depressed or suicidal which is realllly funny and a testament to how gullible she is. Still, we're nothing but a leech currently since it's tough locking down a job when you have 0 experience, we just have an awful hand in life and we want something to change. Nothing ever will though, we'll keep forgetting in the day and suffering at night, we'll keep up this routine until we think she's healed enough, we are absolutely, without a doubt, fucking pathetic, and we'll never change. Don't think we can even if we wanted to. There's a lot more to be said but we'd rather it not be an *entire* dissection of our life, just what's currently leaving us in this everlasting blockade, if anyone even cares. Don't know why we're even posting this here, don't know why we're trying to get attention, we're sorry.