Venting wondering if anyone like me happens to be on here

[hopscotch]

i dont come here very often because i feel as if my motivation and reasons to kill myself are not particularly strong. ive been passively wanting to kill myself for... 6+ years? so i don't think i'm going to do it. this is very frustrating but i've basically accepted it by this point. i find all of you who can commit on here so brave; i'm like a jellyfish or something. no commitment, no spine. i just keep going. i don't know why. i dont find any happiness or reasons to keep holding on; i guess i'm just too lazy or too cowardly or too scared of action or something. ive always been like that, never taking definitive action. but i'm not angry or particularly sad or anything; i'm probably depressed, but there's no target. it's sort of just there. the only person to blame is myself. it's all very grey -- wondering if anyone else is here with the same experience of drifting. its a very boring, emotionless life.
honestly i was sort of hoping joining this forum would finally push me one side or the other because sitting on the fence for so long is hurting my metaphorical ass. but its been over a year and here we are

 

[null_blank]

Mid-grade depression seems to fit. It sounds a lot like me; finding good times lacking accompanied with some vague feelings around my suicide.

Sorry you're here and that you feel so. But if you can find solace in not being the only one like this, here you go.

 

[Grumble]

You are not a jellyfish!!!

Your situation sounds very similar to my own. Just "drifting" is a good way to put it. Passively suicidal. Numb. Just existing.

You are definitely not alone here.

 

[esistzeit]

I understand you, I used to be there myself. Then I tried to kill myself, failed and things got worse...

It sounds like there's still hope for you. It seems like you need a honest, sincere, genuine goal. One that you've always wanted but never admited. If you accept it in your heart, it'll give you the courage and motivation to act upon it.

Give it try

 

[AbusedInnocent]

I've backed out of multiple hanging attempts due to survival instinct, hopefully one day I'll find the courage to do it.

But yes, life for me is mostly boredom with the occasional fear, anger or crippling sense of hopelessness.

 

[CatLvr]

Yep. I "float" back and forth. It's definitely frustrating.

 

[27ClubSoon]

i dont come here very often because i feel as if my motivation and reasons to kill myself are not particularly strong. ive been passively wanting to kill myself for... 6+ years? so i don't think i'm going to do it. this is very frustrating but i've basically accepted it by this point. i find all of you who can commit on here so brave; i'm like a jellyfish or something. no commitment, no spine. i just keep going. i don't know why. i dont find any happiness or reasons to keep holding on; i guess i'm just too lazy or too cowardly or too scared of action or something. ive always been like that, never taking definitive action. but i'm not angry or particularly sad or anything; i'm probably depressed, but there's no target. it's sort of just there. the only person to blame is myself. it's all very grey -- wondering if anyone else is here with the same experience of drifting. its a very boring, emotionless life.
honestly i was sort of hoping joining this forum would finally push me one side or the other because sitting on the fence for so long is hurting my metaphorical ass. but its been over a year and here we are

I think the word you're looking for is apathy. Your lack of apathy for life is that great you have the same apathy for doing something about it.

I'm not pro-life or pro-suicide but I'd encourage you to talk to someone about this seemingly base level of apathy you have consistently had. It is something that could change.

 

[hopscotch]

I think the word you're looking for is apathy. Your lack of apathy for life is that great you have the same apathy for doing something about it.

I'm not pro-life or pro-suicide but I'd encourage you to talk to someone about this seemingly base level of apathy you have consistently had. It is something that could change.

i appreciate the concern shown on this thread, genuinely! my issue is that ive thought it through multiple times and really just concluded i don't want to get better. it's childish, but this apathy maybe remains one of my most comforting and familiar traits that i value very deeply. i realize that this is a common mindset taken towards many unhealthy things that generally only harms the person; this being said, i have very little issue with harming myself long term to escape my discomfort short term. i have no plans to talk to anyone about it, and obviously i blame no one but myself for any of the things i have going on. as it is, this thread is just to express my annoyance at the fact that the apathy refuses to escalate any further. seems like im in this for the long haul, at least until i decide to grow up a little, LOL. thanks for the attempt to help, i truly appreciate it.

I understand you, I used to be there myself. Then I tried to kill myself, failed and things got worse...

It sounds like there's still hope for you. It seems like you need a honest, sincere, genuine goal. One that you've always wanted but never admited. If you accept it in your heart, it'll give you the courage and motivation to act upon it.

Give it try

in regards to goals, im afraid that hasnt worked yet, haha. i like to think of myself as a very self aware person. there are very few things i have not admitted to myself. i've probably admitted too much lol it gets inception like sometimes. regardless, unfortunately the whole problem is actually acting on it. it fails to inspire courage or motivation -- one of my most base problems is that im really just a lazy asshole at heart. forcing myself to work is deeply uncomfortable and causes me a lot of grief, no matter what work im performing. given that you will always have to work to live, i find it all very disappointing. (for the record my most sincere goal is to get a princess diamond fire boa constrictor... they're gorgeous and also $3k+ (not counting the space food and time requirements))

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm the same way, I kinda just drift through life. My current goal is to push through the slumps of life and complete my degree. I'm nearly 50% there, I'll be done by the end of 2026.

if I can make it to that, we'll see where I land afterwards. I plan on trying my hardest to at least complete the degree. Then if I see a future for myself or I have a job offer, I'll try that. If that doesn't work out, then I'll probably have the proper motivation to do something. On the plus side, I'll also probably have my own apartment instead of living with my mom which makes buying supplies and actually doing the deed much easier.