Wonder if I’ll be beaten

[Wrennie]

Tempted to see if my father will beat me if I refuse my medication. He knows that there’s no longer anything I care enough about for him to use to blackmail me into taking it, so the only thing he can hold over my head is the threat of physical violence if I don’t comply.

DMH said that legally they’d have to file a report if I were to complain of violence perpetrated against me by a guardian, but I honestly don’t know what the consequences of that would be. I don’t want to be condemned to living out the rest of my days in a group home. Due to severe depression stemming from CPTSD and a complete lack of control over the direction of my life, I lack the skills and drive necessary to take care of myself. I feel so trapped and have zero clue what to do in this situation. My parents have rendered it so that I am completely dependent upon them to survive.

The fact remains that these drugs are having a horrible effect on me and I’m petrified of what they’re doing to my body... by some stroke of luck I managed to avoid taking my meds last night, and as a result my excessive sweating and tremors and restlessness went away, so I know that it isn’t healthy to continue ingesting this poison. I’m already a chemical castrato as a symptom of being medicated as a small child... who knows what horrors another decade of this stuff will inflict upon me?

Has anyone here ever been in a similar position? I feel like my back is pinned against the wall and I don’t have much (if any) fight left in me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Can you pretend to take the medicine and then spit it out?

Is it possible that if you went to a group home, it would be a transition to get you to independent living? Wouldn't it be better than being trapped in a home with domestic violence? I haven't been in a group home, but I've experienced parental domestic violence and control.

 

[foxdie]

I'm so sorry you're so trapped I would advise against doing anything that would incite your father to violence. You don't deserve that at all. If there is a implied threat of violence that should count the same as violence imo. Like GPE said, a group home could be the first step to living independently. I don't know how it works tbh but it's worth looking into instead of risking injury. Sending hugs

 

[Meditation guide]

The fact remains that these drugs are having a horrible effect on me and I’m petrified of what they’re doing to my body... by some stroke of luck I managed to avoid taking my meds last night, and as a result my excessive sweating and tremors and restlessness went away, so I know that it isn’t healthy to continue ingesting this poison

Have you told your father why you don't like taking them?

 

[profoundexperience]

I don't know why, but your post hit me hard, @Wrennie... And, I don't know what to say...

Due to severe depression ... and a complete lack of control over the direction of my life, I lack the skills and drive necessary to take care of myself. I feel so trapped ... and I don’t have much (if any) fight left in me.

Well, maybe I do know why it affected me & I don't know what to say: I'm in a very similar place as you & can't answer my problems myself...

So, from one human being to another, please allow me to say... I'm so very sorry for what you're going through and very much hope and wish better things come to you soon.

 

[Wrennie]

Have you told your father why you don't like taking them?

I’ve told him that they make me feel physically ill and he legitimately could not care less. He says because a doctor prescribes them that they are safe so basically how I feel doesn’t matter.

His main concern is that I’m making his life more difficult by refusing.

 

[Meditation guide]

His main concern is that I’m making his life more difficult by refusing.

I see. Then I guess maybe pretend to take them like others have said. I mean if he is physically violent to you you need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

 

[Wrennie]

Can you pretend to take the medicine and then spit it out?

Is it possible that if you went to a group home, it would be a transition to get you to independent living? Wouldn't it be better than being trapped in a home with domestic violence? I haven't been in a group home, but I've experienced parental domestic violence and control.

I cannot do that with my father because he sits there and watches me until I swallow them. He’s a very suspicious person. Unnaturally so.

I did actually consider going to a group home in the past, although I’m not fond of interacting with people so that was my primary qualm with it.

You are definitely right though that it would be far preferable to my current situation. My parents aren’t willing to entertain the idea of a group home though for some reason.

 

[profoundexperience]

and have zero clue what to do in this situation. My parents have rendered it so that I am completely dependent upon them to survive.

The only positive way forward I can think of -- and it is admittedly small -- is to try to get the problematic med switched for something else. Perhaps emphasize (exaggerate?) the side-effects so that they're more noticeable and everyone realizes the med needs to be changed?

You can lookup the side-effects of the med to get ideas... Or, spontaneously fall-down/collapse a few times (don't hurt yourself in the process) and say you're excessively dizzy? I don't think dishonesty is generally a good strategy at all, but unfortunately it's sometimes necessary when others can't accept our truth.

Of course this doesn't help the "larger issues"... I just really don't know what to recommend... and I really wish I had some ideas. I'm sorry I'm not a better person who had better ideas to help you.

 

[Wrennie]

The only positive way forward I can think of -- and it is admittedly small -- is to try to get the problematic med switched for something else. Perhaps emphasize (exaggerate?) the side-effects so that they're more noticeable and everyone realizes the med needs to be changed?

You can lookup the side-effects of the med to get ideas... Or, spontaneously fall-down/collapse a few times (don't hurt yourself in the process) and say you're excessively dizzy? I don't think dishonesty is generally a good strategy at all, but unfortunately it's sometimes necessary when others can't accept our truth.

Of course this doesn't help the "larger issues"... I just really don't know what to recommend... and I really wish I had some ideas. I'm sorry I'm not a better person who had better ideas to help you.

Thank you, I truly appreciate your advice and support.

I am trying to get my psychiatrist to lower my meds but he wants to do it very gradually, and is also completely assured of their “safety”, so it is hard to convince him. I have a tendency to react very badly to drugs so I’m always worried about adding new ones into the fray... the only reason I’m on the meds I’m on currently is because my parents went behind my back and put me on new prescriptions without my knowledge.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

the only reason I’m on the meds I’m on currently is because my parents went behind my back and put me on new prescriptions without my knowledge.

Sorry, this confused me. How old are you?

 

[sadworld]

I’m on currently is because my parents went behind my back and put me on new prescriptions without my knowledge.

Why can they do that? This makes honestly no sense for me

 

[profoundexperience]

My parents have rendered it so that I am completely dependent upon them to survive.

My parents aren’t willing to entertain the idea of

my father because he sits there and watches me until I swallow them.

my parents went behind my back and put me on new prescriptions without my knowledge.

Two questions:
1. May I ask your age? I'm mainly interested in establishing your adulthood in order to understand what "rights" you might be entitled to.
2. Given your mental illness (would you call it that?) how well do you think you could cope in the "outside world"? You're clearly an intelligent person... what do you think would be the biggest obstacles?

I'm wondering if it's a case of inability (as it is with me... but I also have a great deal of unwillingness) or that might it possibly... at least partly... be a case of your parents "smothering" and/or "eclipsing" you? Are your parents' protections of you completely "justified"...? Or has it evolved into "overprotectiveness"?

If their protection is justified, I can -- at least somewhat -- understand your father's attitude regarding the pills: It's a situation over which he has little control (he can't just snap his fingers and cure you), but for which he's responsible (by bringing you into life)... therefore if the pills have the barest chance of helping... I can see why he's inclined to force them upon you. I don't agree at all, but I can understand why.

I hope I'm not going places that are too hard and cause you additional stress. I care and it's important to know the truth (as best we can).

edit:

despite being in my early twenties

I thought you'd said somewhere... sorry I forgot.

Actually, I'm understanding a lot better: scanning your other posts, you explain a lot.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/members/wrennie.13163/#recent-content

It really sounds like a "Catch-22" or "double-bind" to me. I'd like to hear your feedback on the other stuff I said. But, I'm also wondering what you think would happen if you completely discontinued all the meds? Forget about your parents reactions for the moment... Are you intrinsically/naturally so mentally ill that you'd quickly need institutionalization? There's absolutely no shame in that if that's the way things are. It'd be interesting to know "who you are" sans all medications.

 

[Wrennie]

Two questions:
1. May I ask your age? I'm mainly interested in establishing your adulthood in order to understand what "rights" you might be entitled to.
2. Given your mental illness (would you call it that?) how well do you think you could cope in the "outside world"? You're clearly an intelligent person... what do you think would be the biggest obstacles?

I'm wondering if it's a case of inability (as it is with me... but I also have a great deal of unwillingness) or that might it possibly... at least partly... be a case of your parents "smothering" and/or "eclipsing" you? Are your parents' protections of you completely "justified"...? Or has it evolved into "overprotectiveness"?

If their protection is justified, I can -- at least somewhat -- understand your father's attitude regarding the pills: It's a situation over which he has little control (he can't just snap his fingers and cure you), but for which he's responsible (by bringing you into life)... therefore if the pills have the barest chance of helping... I can see why he's inclined to force them upon you. I don't agree at all, but I can understand why.

I hope I'm not going places that are too hard and cause you additional stress. I care and it's important to know the truth (as best we can).

edit:

It really sounds like a "Catch-22" or "double-bind" to me. I'd like to hear your feedback on the other stuff I said. But, I'm also wondering what you think would happen if you completely discontinued all the meds? Forget about your parents reactions for the moment... Are you intrinsically/naturally so mentally ill that you'd quickly need institutionalization? There's absolutely no shame in that if that's the way things are. It'd be interesting to know "who you are" sans all medications.

Thank you very much for your reply, I really value your insight!

My parents have always been relatively controlling and coddled me to an unhealthy degree. They also have a tendency to refuse to hear me out, which has allowed abusive people more leeway to harm me in the past. That, coupled with my depression and childhood trauma, caused me to retreat from the outside world.

I do agree that I need to be on an SSRI at least, and I have stated to them that I was willing to stay on Zoloft since it has helped with my overwhelming feelings of dread. It’s mainly the fact that my parents have zero respect for my bodily autonomy by going behind my back and putting me on brand new drugs that is my primary concern. In the past I have had horrific allergic reactions to drugs... Haldol resulted in the worst pain I have ever endured in my life, as though every nerve in my body had suddenly been lit on fire. It was a million times worse than the pain from when I broke my femur/my back. My parents are aware of this, and yet they still thought it would be justifiable to put something into my body without my consent or knowledge, which in the event of another allergic reaction could’ve proven disastrous, as I’d have no idea of the cause behind it. My parents have also forced me to undergo ECT treatment in the past, and while I was initially compliant, the short-term memory loss/cognitive defects and a newfound inability to draw proved incapacitating to me and outweighed any of the potential benefits (I ultimately didn’t end up responding to treatment at all). Art has always been an irreplaceable part of my life and an effective coping mechanism for me, so the prospect of losing it was devastating. Despite my pleas, my mother still forced me to endure multiple more treatments before eventually relenting.

From the perspective of my parents, who are not mentally ill and have never been on drugs themselves, I can understand why they’d buy into meds being a magic “cure-all” for psychological problems. What I cannot comprehend is why they continuously ignore and belittle the negative impact that drugging me has had on my health and quality of life, and their repeated refusal to acknowledge my perspective. It is namely their lack of regard for my humanity that I find so distressing.

Why can they do that? This makes honestly no sense for me

I recently found out that they filed for a Rodger’s Order over me. I never would’ve consented to guardianship had I known what that was.

 

[profoundexperience]

Thank you very much for your reply, I really value your insight!

Of course you're welcome, @Wrennie... I really feel upset/very sorry for all that you've faced (and continue to face).

But please remember that I'm just "a guy on the Internet": As my signature says, All I say is only my opinion only — and I could be absolutely, completely wrong. It is all up to you.

a tendency to refuse to hear me out, which has allowed abusive people more leeway to harm me in the past.

I don't like the sound of that...

childhood trauma

Nor that

caused me to retreat from the outside world.

I too have nearly entirely retreated from the outside world. I have a myriad of different reasons... some probably similar & some different from you. Fortunately, I am "on my own" (so ~nobody's forcing stuff on me). Unfortunately, it's not sustainable and my time is running out.

Haldol resulted in the worst pain I have ever endured in my life, as though every nerve in my body had suddenly been lit on fire.

Exactly what symptoms do you think they were trying to treat with the Haldol? I have no experience with it, but it seems that it can be used for a number of different conditions... including some quite serious.

It was a million times worse than the pain from when I broke my femur/my back.

Oh gosh.

forced me to undergo ECT treatment in the past

And it just keeps getting better... I'm so sorry...

Art has always been an irreplaceable part of my life and effective coping mechanism for me

What kind of art? With your diction, it's clear that you're well read.

What I cannot comprehend is why they continuously ignore and belittle the negative impact that drugging me has had on my health and quality of life, and their repeated refusal to acknowledge my perspective. It is namely their lack of regard for my humanity that I find so distressing.

Do you think that they "do what they do" for nefarious reasons (any whatsoever)... or, that ultimately they "mean well" (albeit misguidedly)?

Your original question was (paraphrased), "Do you think my father will beat me if I refuse my medication?" I still don't know...

But perhaps a better question is, if this were a ~perfect world (except you couldn't eliminate, or perhaps even alleviate your maladies)... what would that look like?

If it's the case that you're going to have to live with your parents for the rest of your/their lives (THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME IN THAT), is there some kind of "compromise" possible that'd be "workable" (acceptable) for everyone?