Bone
Sad Sack
- Jul 29, 2021
- 168
Hello everyone. Where to begin. This is my story and I'm about at the end of my tether. I'll try to make it as coherent as possible-feel free to ask any questions you like.
35/M/US. I've been a lurker for a few years, ever since my 2nd psychotic break in 2019 and the subsequent heavy anxiety/depression, though I was suicidal for a year after my first psychosis in 2013.
Thought I had things turned around, twice, but while teaching ESL in a foreign country and working freelance video/animation projects, I spiraled out of control back in March-April-May of this year. I had the best life there, loved teaching, had girlfriends and friends, but was living a very dangerous lifestyle with extremely heavy drinking and also overwork, it wasn't sustainable and I was definitely a ticking time bomb-I'd already driven myself mad in 2019, when I received the bipolar I w/psychosis diagnosis, but did not receive adequate outpatient care or support, and I didn't really know just how bad my bipolar really is back then. For some reason my psychiatrist in Asia was OK with taking me off anti-psychotics. Big mistake. Fast forward to March of this year, 2021, I quit the same job again, returned to the US again, and then just was completely out of control, like on a warpath (not violent, just manically self-destructive and out of control).
I was in psych wards twice and arrested twice as well. Delusions were incredibly strong, involving being pursued by the CIA, Trump/Biden flying over my head, having cameras in my eyes from a previous psych hospitalization, working with God/aliens to control the weather, friends/strangers working with FBI to pursue me for some reason, etc. I ended up on the streets multiple times, around guns and knives (just seemed like a movie to me so I thought I was safe the entire time, having never been violent myself-I even met people who admitted ties to the cartel and for some reason I was OK with that.
It was a very long episode, lasting months, spanning multiple cities and even 2 countries/continents if you really trace it back to the beginning of when the mania started, and somehow I kept being released back out into the wild after being incarcerated in various ways. Some good friends tried to intervene but (as is apparently common with psychosis/delusions) it didn't go well in any cases, I butted heads with them or they were added to my delusions as co-conspirators.
I also was under the impression I was being pursued by the city police in multiple cities, and did actually get arrested twice, both in ridiculous situations. The first was for trespassing after apparently failing to leave my room at the Hilton (was convinced I was leaking Navy documents etc during the whole day and the cops were hired to shut my activism down), and instead of realizing I was obviously in a mental health crisis, they just arrested me. I'd been flashing my passport at the hotel to random strangers, being up and working all hours of the night, etc.
So, got a trespassing charge. Ended up being released from jail, homeless, still manic as hell and with the gusto to make it through, survive, and under the idea there were forced out to get me. I went to a different, even *more* dangerous city (formerly murder capital of my state) where I was actually living on the streets and encountered violence, saw guns and knives, and was actually threatened / pursued in some situations (no delusion), which made my psychosis even worse and prolonged, I'm "fortunate" to be alive still. I was making bold pronouncements about doing certain miracles, moving the sun with my eyes, and fighting against historical racism by rejecting my own race (I'm white, and the shit I was saying could easily have provoked a good ol'boy/proud boy/etc to pulvarize/execute me, as I did not give a shit who I offended with anything I was saying.) Somehow I survived all this.
Finally I was able to get rest and food in jail and the delusions eventually subsided, but it took a while. Now, I'm back at home with my parents out in the countryside, and there's two situations that have made this time incredibly, insanely difficult-recovery seems next to impossible.
1. The first is that even though I'm out of the episode mentally speaking, I'm continually replaying it in my mind, especially because I had another arrest in mid-March when I stepped in to try to "save" a Black man being involuntarily forced onto an ambulance during a mental health crisis of his own. This ironically happened while I was in my own crisis…
Because of what happened, I got charged with assault on a police officer, failure to obey, and interfering with a police investigation. Happy to share the video I also took from the first person perspective via PM if anyone wants to see it. I obviously didn't assault the cop intentionally, but Assault on a Police Officer is charged even when you somewhat resist arrest. After some time of me interfering, trying to get the dude's name and address and also being an asshole to the cops, the lead officer got fed up and started shoving me away-I stiffened my body, then he threw me on the ground and was...going for my face...? It was bizarre.
Anyway, I tried to keep him off me with my hands because I had no idea what was going on-he didn't say hands behind your back or anything, just was kind of going for my face-so I tried to keep him away. (My memory is) May have drawn blood on his face a bit, but I *did not* throw a punch, just hands/arms extended to try to keep his ass off me. Doesn't matter-now I have those charges, the APO charge is scary as hell and a court date for arraignment in a week, almost 6 months after the event. All this for trying to intervene and help someone...I shouldn't have interfered with the cops, of course, but I definitely feel the cop escalated it when it wasn't necessary.
Anyway, I'm scared shitless they'll make it a violent felony-the prosecutor has the choice between misdemeanor APO and felony APO. If you get a violent felony as y'all probably know your life changes forever. Might even need to do prison time if they pursue it to its furthest conclusion, though there's a chance of them not pursuing any charges at all (seems unlikely to have a stroke of good fortune right now) or just pursuing the misdemanor version of APO, which seems more likely.
So, with this, my anxiety and worry is already through the *roof* and crippling me once I come back to reality. I lost all my belongings, nice laptop, expensive iPhone, access to my gmail account…which I had since gmail was in beta. Also lost work on the biggest documentary of my design career (have worked on a couple big documentaries that ended up on Netflix) and burned that bridge forever during the mania, as well as burned many bridges with other acquaintances and posted a lot of batshit insane shit on my IG story, embarrassing myself in front of family and friends (though embarrassment is the least of my concerns at this point, I'm just trying to survive).
2. But, to make matters even worse, I've had to return back home to my elderly parents' house, and my mom's alcoholism is finally catching up to her. She has barely been able to walk for years, bad hips on both sides and overweight, but over time her legs swelled to double their original size, started peeling and scabbing, and her mobility was further reduced. All the while, she's still drinking and my dad's still enabling her. Recently she fell down the stairs, 2 black eyes and small bleeding in the brain, and has come back from a weeks long stay in the hospital but can barely even get up to go to the bathroom now-that's 20 feet away from where she spends every hour, of every day.
Also, she's seeing things-hallucinations that are creepy as fuck. "Tell them to GET OUT OF here!!!" And there's no one in the room-sees adults and children at different times, as well as She reeks of urine due to using adult undergarments and failing to change them enough as well as not bathing; my dad is only barely able to keep up with all the normal household tasks, taking care of the land, and taking care of her as much as he can. It's awful. She doesn't wear pants all day and her skin looks frankly disgusting, and she's bloated and heavier than I am due to fluid retention, even though she doesn't eat more than a few bites per day (apparently a common symptom of end-stage alcoholism). There's not a whole lot anyone can do here-she doesn't want to go to a home and refuses to quit drinking, and because my own situation is so fucked and she emotionally abused me like CRAZY for decades, it's next to impossible for me to "step up" and really give it 100% to help take care of her while I'm here-also because mentally my state is so fragile and my anxiety is so high.
Her sentences don't make sense either, and shes drinking all day and on a million meds, including a prescription for a benzo and now even an opiate (mixed with all other meds + still heavy wine drinking). Talk of putting her into a home or finally cutting off the drinking is met with immediate pooh-poohs and excuses by my dad, while she is taking noticable declines day by day and making kinda suicidal gestures (crushing up pills when shes never done a drug in her life, randomly moving scissors around in the bathroom and denying it, etc.) TBH if I was in her shoes with how her body is failing and sleeping and existing day and night only in a Lazy-boy chair or the bathroom, I'd have OD'd on the pills a while ago, so I can't blame her, but her slowing decaying is much worse and postponing the inevitable. She looks, smells, and acts disgusting, and it's wild because though I know bipolar is genetic, it's brought out by trauma, and she is FAR AND AWAY the single biggest cause of my difficulties in life; due to the trauma/gaslighting/constant criticism/growing up as a child of a narcissist alcoholic, brought on my now severe mental illness(es). She has pushed away her ENTIRE side of the family YEARS ago, when she used to be super-close with them, and nobody in my dad's side of the family talks to her anyway, so she's all alone now and this is the darkest shit you can imagine.
In short, it's excruciating to see, and given all the difficulties I've had over the last 6 months anyway with the psychosis, delusions, coming back to reality, etc., I've been back on the suicidal train heavily in a way that I never thought possible. I spend time on r/collapse as well as Googling "suicide" and other related shit as well as lurking the forums here constantly, and even trying to help my dad outside with the yard, my mind is constantly on the negative, dark shit, as I'm sure many of y'all can relate to. There are certainly parts of me that have loved life, and I've definitely had my share of fun and good experiences, etc. My mental illness showed its head later in life, probably because of some combination of suppressed trauma, work stress, and smoking lots of weed, and each psychosis has gotten harder to deal with. Far and away the most difficult part of all of it now is the charges I have, which could be a small thing/nothing but more than likely will not. I have no reason to believe that the US justice system/the judge I see will all of a sudden show understanding in my case that I was going through a severe mental health crisis, and show leniency.
It is a MIRACLE the previous two psychoses that I was not arrested, as the 2nd psychosis I had an international flight from Asia to the US and drew a graffiti in the bathroom and was vaping in the general seating area! Encountered air marshals....anyway, it's obvious that the reason I'm alive through these three situations because I'm white.
Cops/mental health care workers almost killed me multiple times during each of my 3 psychoses, and I'm not a big or scary dude. My alcoholic mom made it even more difficult as shit each episode for me, making my anxiety 100x worse post-psychosis, and now to see her completely nosediving is an emotional time I'm not sure I want to stick around for.
The main person in my life who's been supportive has been my dad, along with a couple other friends, but mainly him. I know he's dealing with a lot with my mom and has also tried his best to understand what's been going on with me, and he's really gone out of his way to do so. This has partially wanted me to step up and face the future just to be there for him, because I do love him and would hate to abandon him during this difficult time.
On the flip side-he is the one who married such an awful person and, as drinking took over her life (starting 20 yrs ago especially), he failed to put his foot down, citing that he already had been divorced once before and didn't want to do it again. I'm losing the energy to just "stick around for him" kinda day by day here, and it was the main thing that was keeping me going.
Online court date in 1 week for APO/etc. arraignment, and mom looking visibly worse each day and I'm in very difficult pain emotionally, main thing is anxiety as I'm worried as FUCK about the future, getting a job or making income, etc. My parents have a reverse mortgage on the house and that does not bode well for any inheritance I'd be receiving, they are not super wealthy, and with a reverse mortgage on the house I'd be receiving even less than the relatively small amount I'd been anticipating.
I do love parts of life y'all. Nature, sunsets, animals, fresh air, hiking, walking, etc. Also love art, music, gaming, cooking, etc. I really, sincerely enjoy those things, and have been fortunate to meet some amazing people and have some amazing experiences. However, things have always been chaotic and quite difficult very often, for my entire life, for reasons I wasn't quite sure of until recently-and now I fear it's too late. I want to stick around and try to keep volunteering and working on media to help people understand mental illness, especially bipolar and psychosis, because most have no clue what it's really like. I've done lots of work to try to help others, have always tried to be a good friend/listener/etc., but bipolar has taken over my life.
I do NOT want to go back to jail, I do NOT want any more charges besides the one trespassing I already have (hard enough to come to grips with that), and I do NOT and WILL NOT ever be homeless again, that shit was awful and the only reason I lasted for the month+ that I did was bc I was manic as fuck and thought everything was part of a huge conspiracy and the govt. would be paying me millions soon. This is the dilemma I'm in.
I'm also hella behind on my student loan repayment, and have 0 savings, at age 35. I am a good (still potential to be great, even though I'm getting older) designer and have a lot of experience/decent portfolio and a couple connections still, so I *could* be able to make that happen. I've also entertained the idea of becoming a truck driver-no shit-because they don't make bad money and the lifestyle doesn't scare me off much. Though, a violent felony would mean that or any other job would almost certainly be impossible to get, as well as getting a place for rent.
I have SN from 2019 and understand it should still be good, and every day I wake up I think of taking it later that night. So far I'm holding on still because of the potential I guess I could see my way through this...somehow....as well as for my Dad, though I think he kinda dug his own grave for this situation and if I do make an early exit I'm kinda losing my guilt about it. I've become very nihilistic and pessimistic about the future of the world as well as my own life-it seems like I was just dealt a bad had genetically and with an abusive parent, combined with substance abuse issues and now facing the legal system...I can't see much reason to go on, is what I'm getting at. Guess I should be able to get disability having been hospitalized all those times, but that's not much money, only max about $800 US/mo. Part of me is like, ya know what-if I could just get a roof over my head and internet access, I'm fine to keep living some pseudo-NEET lifestyle. But then obviously I know what the fuck is the point of that...? I don't really want to bring kids into this world, but would be happy at this stage being with someone who already has children...I dunno. I feel like this is the biggest crossroads of my life. And many of those roads just point to me taking the SN that's upstairs and never feeling this anxiety or pain again, nor having to experience dangerous delusions or possible/probable life on the street.
Basically wanted to share my story. Anyone who reads this, thank you so much. I've read many of your thoughts and stories on this forum even if I don't respond. I appreciate each and every one of you and this safe space to talk about things instead of keeping them bottled inside. If anyone wants to PM and chat I would love the friendship and would be interested to hear about you as well. Day by day this is a severe struggle. Thanks for your time and may each of us find peacefulness in our own way.
35/M/US. I've been a lurker for a few years, ever since my 2nd psychotic break in 2019 and the subsequent heavy anxiety/depression, though I was suicidal for a year after my first psychosis in 2013.
Thought I had things turned around, twice, but while teaching ESL in a foreign country and working freelance video/animation projects, I spiraled out of control back in March-April-May of this year. I had the best life there, loved teaching, had girlfriends and friends, but was living a very dangerous lifestyle with extremely heavy drinking and also overwork, it wasn't sustainable and I was definitely a ticking time bomb-I'd already driven myself mad in 2019, when I received the bipolar I w/psychosis diagnosis, but did not receive adequate outpatient care or support, and I didn't really know just how bad my bipolar really is back then. For some reason my psychiatrist in Asia was OK with taking me off anti-psychotics. Big mistake. Fast forward to March of this year, 2021, I quit the same job again, returned to the US again, and then just was completely out of control, like on a warpath (not violent, just manically self-destructive and out of control).
I was in psych wards twice and arrested twice as well. Delusions were incredibly strong, involving being pursued by the CIA, Trump/Biden flying over my head, having cameras in my eyes from a previous psych hospitalization, working with God/aliens to control the weather, friends/strangers working with FBI to pursue me for some reason, etc. I ended up on the streets multiple times, around guns and knives (just seemed like a movie to me so I thought I was safe the entire time, having never been violent myself-I even met people who admitted ties to the cartel and for some reason I was OK with that.
It was a very long episode, lasting months, spanning multiple cities and even 2 countries/continents if you really trace it back to the beginning of when the mania started, and somehow I kept being released back out into the wild after being incarcerated in various ways. Some good friends tried to intervene but (as is apparently common with psychosis/delusions) it didn't go well in any cases, I butted heads with them or they were added to my delusions as co-conspirators.
I also was under the impression I was being pursued by the city police in multiple cities, and did actually get arrested twice, both in ridiculous situations. The first was for trespassing after apparently failing to leave my room at the Hilton (was convinced I was leaking Navy documents etc during the whole day and the cops were hired to shut my activism down), and instead of realizing I was obviously in a mental health crisis, they just arrested me. I'd been flashing my passport at the hotel to random strangers, being up and working all hours of the night, etc.
So, got a trespassing charge. Ended up being released from jail, homeless, still manic as hell and with the gusto to make it through, survive, and under the idea there were forced out to get me. I went to a different, even *more* dangerous city (formerly murder capital of my state) where I was actually living on the streets and encountered violence, saw guns and knives, and was actually threatened / pursued in some situations (no delusion), which made my psychosis even worse and prolonged, I'm "fortunate" to be alive still. I was making bold pronouncements about doing certain miracles, moving the sun with my eyes, and fighting against historical racism by rejecting my own race (I'm white, and the shit I was saying could easily have provoked a good ol'boy/proud boy/etc to pulvarize/execute me, as I did not give a shit who I offended with anything I was saying.) Somehow I survived all this.
Finally I was able to get rest and food in jail and the delusions eventually subsided, but it took a while. Now, I'm back at home with my parents out in the countryside, and there's two situations that have made this time incredibly, insanely difficult-recovery seems next to impossible.
1. The first is that even though I'm out of the episode mentally speaking, I'm continually replaying it in my mind, especially because I had another arrest in mid-March when I stepped in to try to "save" a Black man being involuntarily forced onto an ambulance during a mental health crisis of his own. This ironically happened while I was in my own crisis…
Because of what happened, I got charged with assault on a police officer, failure to obey, and interfering with a police investigation. Happy to share the video I also took from the first person perspective via PM if anyone wants to see it. I obviously didn't assault the cop intentionally, but Assault on a Police Officer is charged even when you somewhat resist arrest. After some time of me interfering, trying to get the dude's name and address and also being an asshole to the cops, the lead officer got fed up and started shoving me away-I stiffened my body, then he threw me on the ground and was...going for my face...? It was bizarre.
Anyway, I tried to keep him off me with my hands because I had no idea what was going on-he didn't say hands behind your back or anything, just was kind of going for my face-so I tried to keep him away. (My memory is) May have drawn blood on his face a bit, but I *did not* throw a punch, just hands/arms extended to try to keep his ass off me. Doesn't matter-now I have those charges, the APO charge is scary as hell and a court date for arraignment in a week, almost 6 months after the event. All this for trying to intervene and help someone...I shouldn't have interfered with the cops, of course, but I definitely feel the cop escalated it when it wasn't necessary.
Anyway, I'm scared shitless they'll make it a violent felony-the prosecutor has the choice between misdemeanor APO and felony APO. If you get a violent felony as y'all probably know your life changes forever. Might even need to do prison time if they pursue it to its furthest conclusion, though there's a chance of them not pursuing any charges at all (seems unlikely to have a stroke of good fortune right now) or just pursuing the misdemanor version of APO, which seems more likely.
So, with this, my anxiety and worry is already through the *roof* and crippling me once I come back to reality. I lost all my belongings, nice laptop, expensive iPhone, access to my gmail account…which I had since gmail was in beta. Also lost work on the biggest documentary of my design career (have worked on a couple big documentaries that ended up on Netflix) and burned that bridge forever during the mania, as well as burned many bridges with other acquaintances and posted a lot of batshit insane shit on my IG story, embarrassing myself in front of family and friends (though embarrassment is the least of my concerns at this point, I'm just trying to survive).
2. But, to make matters even worse, I've had to return back home to my elderly parents' house, and my mom's alcoholism is finally catching up to her. She has barely been able to walk for years, bad hips on both sides and overweight, but over time her legs swelled to double their original size, started peeling and scabbing, and her mobility was further reduced. All the while, she's still drinking and my dad's still enabling her. Recently she fell down the stairs, 2 black eyes and small bleeding in the brain, and has come back from a weeks long stay in the hospital but can barely even get up to go to the bathroom now-that's 20 feet away from where she spends every hour, of every day.
Also, she's seeing things-hallucinations that are creepy as fuck. "Tell them to GET OUT OF here!!!" And there's no one in the room-sees adults and children at different times, as well as She reeks of urine due to using adult undergarments and failing to change them enough as well as not bathing; my dad is only barely able to keep up with all the normal household tasks, taking care of the land, and taking care of her as much as he can. It's awful. She doesn't wear pants all day and her skin looks frankly disgusting, and she's bloated and heavier than I am due to fluid retention, even though she doesn't eat more than a few bites per day (apparently a common symptom of end-stage alcoholism). There's not a whole lot anyone can do here-she doesn't want to go to a home and refuses to quit drinking, and because my own situation is so fucked and she emotionally abused me like CRAZY for decades, it's next to impossible for me to "step up" and really give it 100% to help take care of her while I'm here-also because mentally my state is so fragile and my anxiety is so high.
Her sentences don't make sense either, and shes drinking all day and on a million meds, including a prescription for a benzo and now even an opiate (mixed with all other meds + still heavy wine drinking). Talk of putting her into a home or finally cutting off the drinking is met with immediate pooh-poohs and excuses by my dad, while she is taking noticable declines day by day and making kinda suicidal gestures (crushing up pills when shes never done a drug in her life, randomly moving scissors around in the bathroom and denying it, etc.) TBH if I was in her shoes with how her body is failing and sleeping and existing day and night only in a Lazy-boy chair or the bathroom, I'd have OD'd on the pills a while ago, so I can't blame her, but her slowing decaying is much worse and postponing the inevitable. She looks, smells, and acts disgusting, and it's wild because though I know bipolar is genetic, it's brought out by trauma, and she is FAR AND AWAY the single biggest cause of my difficulties in life; due to the trauma/gaslighting/constant criticism/growing up as a child of a narcissist alcoholic, brought on my now severe mental illness(es). She has pushed away her ENTIRE side of the family YEARS ago, when she used to be super-close with them, and nobody in my dad's side of the family talks to her anyway, so she's all alone now and this is the darkest shit you can imagine.
In short, it's excruciating to see, and given all the difficulties I've had over the last 6 months anyway with the psychosis, delusions, coming back to reality, etc., I've been back on the suicidal train heavily in a way that I never thought possible. I spend time on r/collapse as well as Googling "suicide" and other related shit as well as lurking the forums here constantly, and even trying to help my dad outside with the yard, my mind is constantly on the negative, dark shit, as I'm sure many of y'all can relate to. There are certainly parts of me that have loved life, and I've definitely had my share of fun and good experiences, etc. My mental illness showed its head later in life, probably because of some combination of suppressed trauma, work stress, and smoking lots of weed, and each psychosis has gotten harder to deal with. Far and away the most difficult part of all of it now is the charges I have, which could be a small thing/nothing but more than likely will not. I have no reason to believe that the US justice system/the judge I see will all of a sudden show understanding in my case that I was going through a severe mental health crisis, and show leniency.
It is a MIRACLE the previous two psychoses that I was not arrested, as the 2nd psychosis I had an international flight from Asia to the US and drew a graffiti in the bathroom and was vaping in the general seating area! Encountered air marshals....anyway, it's obvious that the reason I'm alive through these three situations because I'm white.
Cops/mental health care workers almost killed me multiple times during each of my 3 psychoses, and I'm not a big or scary dude. My alcoholic mom made it even more difficult as shit each episode for me, making my anxiety 100x worse post-psychosis, and now to see her completely nosediving is an emotional time I'm not sure I want to stick around for.
The main person in my life who's been supportive has been my dad, along with a couple other friends, but mainly him. I know he's dealing with a lot with my mom and has also tried his best to understand what's been going on with me, and he's really gone out of his way to do so. This has partially wanted me to step up and face the future just to be there for him, because I do love him and would hate to abandon him during this difficult time.
On the flip side-he is the one who married such an awful person and, as drinking took over her life (starting 20 yrs ago especially), he failed to put his foot down, citing that he already had been divorced once before and didn't want to do it again. I'm losing the energy to just "stick around for him" kinda day by day here, and it was the main thing that was keeping me going.
Online court date in 1 week for APO/etc. arraignment, and mom looking visibly worse each day and I'm in very difficult pain emotionally, main thing is anxiety as I'm worried as FUCK about the future, getting a job or making income, etc. My parents have a reverse mortgage on the house and that does not bode well for any inheritance I'd be receiving, they are not super wealthy, and with a reverse mortgage on the house I'd be receiving even less than the relatively small amount I'd been anticipating.
I do love parts of life y'all. Nature, sunsets, animals, fresh air, hiking, walking, etc. Also love art, music, gaming, cooking, etc. I really, sincerely enjoy those things, and have been fortunate to meet some amazing people and have some amazing experiences. However, things have always been chaotic and quite difficult very often, for my entire life, for reasons I wasn't quite sure of until recently-and now I fear it's too late. I want to stick around and try to keep volunteering and working on media to help people understand mental illness, especially bipolar and psychosis, because most have no clue what it's really like. I've done lots of work to try to help others, have always tried to be a good friend/listener/etc., but bipolar has taken over my life.
I do NOT want to go back to jail, I do NOT want any more charges besides the one trespassing I already have (hard enough to come to grips with that), and I do NOT and WILL NOT ever be homeless again, that shit was awful and the only reason I lasted for the month+ that I did was bc I was manic as fuck and thought everything was part of a huge conspiracy and the govt. would be paying me millions soon. This is the dilemma I'm in.
I'm also hella behind on my student loan repayment, and have 0 savings, at age 35. I am a good (still potential to be great, even though I'm getting older) designer and have a lot of experience/decent portfolio and a couple connections still, so I *could* be able to make that happen. I've also entertained the idea of becoming a truck driver-no shit-because they don't make bad money and the lifestyle doesn't scare me off much. Though, a violent felony would mean that or any other job would almost certainly be impossible to get, as well as getting a place for rent.
I have SN from 2019 and understand it should still be good, and every day I wake up I think of taking it later that night. So far I'm holding on still because of the potential I guess I could see my way through this...somehow....as well as for my Dad, though I think he kinda dug his own grave for this situation and if I do make an early exit I'm kinda losing my guilt about it. I've become very nihilistic and pessimistic about the future of the world as well as my own life-it seems like I was just dealt a bad had genetically and with an abusive parent, combined with substance abuse issues and now facing the legal system...I can't see much reason to go on, is what I'm getting at. Guess I should be able to get disability having been hospitalized all those times, but that's not much money, only max about $800 US/mo. Part of me is like, ya know what-if I could just get a roof over my head and internet access, I'm fine to keep living some pseudo-NEET lifestyle. But then obviously I know what the fuck is the point of that...? I don't really want to bring kids into this world, but would be happy at this stage being with someone who already has children...I dunno. I feel like this is the biggest crossroads of my life. And many of those roads just point to me taking the SN that's upstairs and never feeling this anxiety or pain again, nor having to experience dangerous delusions or possible/probable life on the street.
Basically wanted to share my story. Anyone who reads this, thank you so much. I've read many of your thoughts and stories on this forum even if I don't respond. I appreciate each and every one of you and this safe space to talk about things instead of keeping them bottled inside. If anyone wants to PM and chat I would love the friendship and would be interested to hear about you as well. Day by day this is a severe struggle. Thanks for your time and may each of us find peacefulness in our own way.
