I think money does not guarantee happiness but if you barely have any of it this causes a lot of problems. I think I cannot work and poverty will lead to my suicide. I recently read an article on welfare and it sounds so horrible. I won't survive that.
I am always so disciplined at college many show me respect for that. Though the truth is I have way too severe OCD in order to hold a job. The tiny remaining hope gives me more life quality and it calms my family. I don't know any way out of it I play for time and hope for a miracle or that I die in an accident or something like that.
I am lower middle-class. Compared to other people I am saving more money though welfare is way too low. Recently I rewarded me for my good grades but it feels shallow. I think in the end all my attempts will be in vain. I feel empty and sad when I think about my future.
I can enjoy certain hobbies of mine but without money I barely have access to them. It is so cynical and cruel. When I see how other people do way less than me but they get a job, a partner and a life to enjoy.
Why am I doing all of this? One therapist recommended me just to give up. I think my life quality would be even worse this way. Moreover I try to act in front of my mom as if everything was okay. She had a stroke and since then I have to show a facade. I think my family is fucked beyond repair. Me and my sister cannot work. This family is not used to poverty this will be bone-crushing.
The things I bought myself induced some happiness. Probably because I saved money for it and I had the desire for these things for a long time. I have some good friends. I think seeing them finding partners, being financially independent living happy lives will make me pretty jealous. Poverty is always relative so your peers and the people you compare yourself to matter.
Honestly I am so sick of all of this. I try so fucking hard to find a way to live but the chances are so low. Misery, resentfulness, anger, shame and suicide awaits me. And while fighting against the odds people admire me for these fucking useless grades which I only have because I have OCD related to studying.
My hobbies really give me some life quality. But without money playing video games and reading the magazines I like will become pretty difficult. I am so desperate but I know I cannot change the outcome I can only try my best.
I am always so disciplined at college many show me respect for that. Though the truth is I have way too severe OCD in order to hold a job. The tiny remaining hope gives me more life quality and it calms my family. I don't know any way out of it I play for time and hope for a miracle or that I die in an accident or something like that.
I am lower middle-class. Compared to other people I am saving more money though welfare is way too low. Recently I rewarded me for my good grades but it feels shallow. I think in the end all my attempts will be in vain. I feel empty and sad when I think about my future.
I can enjoy certain hobbies of mine but without money I barely have access to them. It is so cynical and cruel. When I see how other people do way less than me but they get a job, a partner and a life to enjoy.
Why am I doing all of this? One therapist recommended me just to give up. I think my life quality would be even worse this way. Moreover I try to act in front of my mom as if everything was okay. She had a stroke and since then I have to show a facade. I think my family is fucked beyond repair. Me and my sister cannot work. This family is not used to poverty this will be bone-crushing.
The things I bought myself induced some happiness. Probably because I saved money for it and I had the desire for these things for a long time. I have some good friends. I think seeing them finding partners, being financially independent living happy lives will make me pretty jealous. Poverty is always relative so your peers and the people you compare yourself to matter.
Honestly I am so sick of all of this. I try so fucking hard to find a way to live but the chances are so low. Misery, resentfulness, anger, shame and suicide awaits me. And while fighting against the odds people admire me for these fucking useless grades which I only have because I have OCD related to studying.
My hobbies really give me some life quality. But without money playing video games and reading the magazines I like will become pretty difficult. I am so desperate but I know I cannot change the outcome I can only try my best.
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