Discussion (With vent)you think your life is written and can't choose what will happen next?

[debzzzz]

(Sorry for bad English, I speak Spanish)

I been having this thought because of experience from these past years, when I try to do something, choose something, it feels like it's not really my choice.
Mostly i been thinking this way in my life because of experience. (You can skip this if you want)
I had always had deja-vu from little, so many that I had found were they come from (for me, I guess)
It happens 1 millisecond you are about to wake up, all the things you are about to do that day flashes really fast in just a millisecond and then when you wake up you don't remember it bc is really fast, then when you go about your day you suddenly remember something from that flashback, you get a deja Vu you already experienced.
Or maybe I'm just crazy lmao
Anyways what I'm trying to implied is that I'm scared if I tried to make this choice of killing myself with a good method after trying so many times these past few years, I'm afraid I will fail.
(This time I'm using the SN method and trying my best of luck, getting the right medication and etc)
Because I'm not supposed to die yet, I already have a path and some things have to be done before I die. Something like that, I don't know how to explain it..

I really want to, but I feel like it's so out of reach.

What if I fail again? But this time will be different, my family will know and I fucking hate it, they never respected mental health, and I know that they will have so much potty and try to "help me"

(I have a long family and most of them had mental health problems in the past, drugs problems, suicide, alcohol problems etc etc) and I swear after all of that my family is so fucking stupid, they say that they care, that they understand.

But no, they just swipe it up the rug


So yeah is kinda difficult knowing that if I fail I'm fucked and maybe it will be hard if I try it again, I will be scared and disgusted if I fail and my family will be involved with this.

I live where hypocrisy reeks in my family.

I been to therapy, I tried so many times communicating with my family.
My therapist tried to tell them.
I have diagnosed depression.
Hell, my mother had depression post partum or smth like that, I don't remember
HELL, I WAS A MISTAKE and I'm the walking evidence of all the shitty past my dad had to suffer

Sorry I got out of the way from what I was trying to say, it's just really hard.

 

[itsalittlecold]

(Sorry for bad English, I speak Spanish)

I been having this thought because of experience from these past years, when I try to do something, choose something, it feels like it's not really my choice.
Mostly i been thinking this way in my life because of experience. (You can skip this if you want)
I had always had deja-vu from little, so many that I had found were they come from (for me, I guess)
It happens 1 millisecond you are about to wake up, all the things you are about to do that day flashes really fast in just a millisecond and then when you wake up you don't remember it bc is really fast, then when you go about your day you suddenly remember something from that flashback, you get a deja Vu you already experienced.
Or maybe I'm just crazy lmao
Anyways what I'm trying to implied is that I'm scared if I tried to make this choice of killing myself with a good method after trying so many times these past few years, I'm afraid I will fail.
(This time I'm using the SN method and trying my best of luck, getting the right medication and etc)
Because I'm not supposed to die yet, I already have a path and some things have to be done before I die. Something like that, I don't know how to explain it..

I really want to, but I feel like it's so out of reach.

What if I fail again? But this time will be different, my family will know and I fucking hate it, they never respected mental health, and I know that they will have so much potty and try to "help me"

(I have a long family and most of them had mental health problems in the past, drugs problems, suicide, alcohol problems etc etc) and I swear after all of that my family is so fucking stupid, they say that they care, that they understand.

But no, they just swipe it up the rug


So yeah is kinda difficult knowing that if I fail I'm fucked and maybe it will be hard if I try it again, I will be scared and disgusted if I fail and my family will be involved with this.

I live where hypocrisy reeks in my family.

I been to therapy, I tried so many times communicating with my family.
My therapist tried to tell them.
I have diagnosed depression.
Hell, my mother had depression post partum or smth like that, I don't remember
HELL, I WAS A MISTAKE and I'm the walking evidence of all the shitty past my dad had to suffer

Sorry I got out of the way from what I was trying to say, it's just really hard.

It's nice to see you freely express yourself, I think this forum is great for this exact purpose. It's unfortunate you've ended up here though.

It's really sad you haven't got anyone understanding around you. You're welcome to chat to me anytime- even if you just want to vent.

This is where I feel so lucky with my family because they know everything I'm going through and feeling, my plan and the methods I have. They even know I've got sn in my room, they treat me like they don't even know it could happen at any moment. They rather really don't love me or I just feel they actually understand the pain I feel inside.


I think the fear of failure instills a lot of us, when I consider possible failures all I focus on is how easy could it be to fail like that & can I prevent it, is there a way of rectifying said failure if it did occur & try have my strategy like that.
With SN there's already many detailed posts that have focused on all these things, I hope you find as much peace and comfort as possible whilst you are still around :)