Venting Suicidality Trumps Every Aspect of my Life

[homesoon.]

I feel like no matter what; no matter the emotions; the experiences: the time that passes; the poetry; the literature; the days; the music; the people; the moments that words can't describe, good or bad; family; loved ones; nothing ever seems to trump suicide. It's a me problem. I've accepted that. Whether it's genetic, historic, emotional, mental, neurological, physical, social; it always makes full circle. I would rather end the cycle here and now by cbting than spending the next the next 40-60 years in fucking misery because no matter how "good" things get, it is never enough. I am trying so hard to remind myself that nothing will matter when I'm dead; the depression, anxiety, guilt, survival instinct, overthinking, NOTHING. There will be nothingness. The very thing I CRAVE.

I plan to take tomorrow to rewrite my goodbye letters, think over my SN plan. I want to go through with it. I'm scared, of course. But, I want it so fucking bad. After 10-15years, I want it so fucking bad. At this point, I want to do the most outlandish shit and do whatever the fuck I want until I cbt. At the least, it will help push me closer to the edge. Fuck it if people don't like me and I burn bridges because of it. Best case scenario, less people to hurt over my death (like I fucked up and failed to do to begin with) & worst case scenario, I fail & try again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. I just think life in general is harder with suicidal thoughts. Or rather- making a go of life. It's such a dodgy foundation to build on- that in all cases, we'd prefer to be dead! How are we supposed to find motivation to do anything when we don't even want to be alive to do it?

I hope you at least enjoy whatever you've got planned.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd also certainly prefer to not exist than to suffer for more decades, I find it terrifying how a human can potentially exist for so long, I'd never wish to reach old age. But anyway I wish you the best, I just wish for eternal nothingness as well.