I'm sorry to hear that...I had a bad week last week, but I can only imagine how bad you must be having it.
I never had the honor of knowing Ash, but I know she meant a lot to you. That must be such a terrible emptiness for you.
I feel like I'm not doing much but focusing on sad stuff you're feeling. :/
If there's anything I can do (as limited as we are behind screens...) just let me know. People here really care about you and love you. But no one would shame or blame you for feeling how you feel. We (or at least I) am here if you need it.
I'm hoping you can recover in the way you want. But ultimately I hope you find peace however that looks.
Big hugs.