wishing that my bf would hurt me

[spiderwbs]

As much as I love my boyfriend, I wish he honestly would hurt me because I deserve it. He's too kind and lovable, and he means the world to me, but I genuinely wish he would do something bad to me or something because I am a bad s/o, and I bring nothing but pain... I'm too depressed.. he's been dealing with my bs for the past 2 years, and I feel bad that he has been putting up with me for a long time. I always repeat the same shit, I always do something wrong or something is my fault and I blame myself for it. Whenever he feels sad or mad, I feel like I should blame no one but myself. He doesn't deserve bad things happening in his life, he's going through a lot. He's in the military, he's working for our future and he works hard 24/7 and is always tired, I feel terrible that he deals with me and I hurt him. I always tell him that I am sorry he puts up with me but he thinks everything is ok and I'm doing "nothing wrong" I ALWAYS do something wrong, I ALWAYS fuck up in some way and he doesn't see it. I make many mistakes, and we sometimes argue and I feel awful for those times too.. anything I do is just my fault and I just want him to be happy, I want him to hurt me or just do something awful so he can finally deserve peace like I wish he would stab me, I honestly "joke" with him about stabbing me and then I'm like "hahaha jk" and he says "I know" but I don't mean that I'm joking...... I just keep those thoughts to myself and not tell him. I would never tell him how I truly feel because I am too scared of what he thinks. He knows I'm mentally ill and has been battling with depression ever since I was 12, but he doesn't know these messed up thoughts that I feel.

idk, I feel fucking stupid and one day he will find out about how I feel and then he will be mad loooooololol. I fucking hate my life let me kill myself for fucks sake frbn fkjfnjnvfb

 

[scottyy]

Sounds like you have an awesome man.
Maybe try not being so hard on yourself. Afterall, you're suffering from depression like you said.
Oftentimes I find that peoples opinions about me are not at all what I thought they were, and I see this trait in others sometimes too.
In reality I only know what I'm thinking and I know I'm not concerning myself with others business that much and so therefore I think most others are doing the same. And if I love someone then I have alot of empathy and understanding for them. Maybe remind yourself of these things when you're having a tough time with these thoughts.

 

[Sleeper System]

Cruel and unfortunate situation. Condolences.
50% of the reason I'm alone is because I don't want to drag anyone into my world of depression. I couldn't live with the idea that someone who loves me romantically didn't know how twisted my thoughts can get. It's all a complex balancing act and it never lasts.

 

[dragonofenvy]

he will find out about how I feel and then he will be mad

he's been dealing with my bs for the past 2 years

If he's been "dealing with your bs for 2 years", he probably already knows how you feel, and is choosing to stick with you regardless.

You say you're constantly fucking up. I'm curious as to what makes you think so. Because if you're doing nothing but fucking up the relationship, then why are you still together after 2 years? You'd think that if you actually were fucking up that the relationship would be over by now. You may immediately come up with an excuse like "because he's such a great person." He is indeed a great person, but great people have limits. Yet, he still stays. So why does he?

Are you truly as bad as you think you are? You may be, it's hard to tell from the post if you actually are fucking everything up. I, however, have my doubts. If you're always doing something wrong would it be okay for you to provide an example of how you're always doing something wrong?