Venting Wishing for a terminal illness

[trynacbt]

I'm healthy and young but mentally in a lot of pain. I've recently been experiencing hair loss and fatigue. Am going to get it checked tomorrow; have spent ages looking up possible causes, hoping for the worst. It feels horribly ungrateful of me, but I can't help it. I know there are a lot of people on here who only wish that they could be physically healthy; I wish I could change places with you.

 

[Rachel74]

Don't wish cancer on yourself as a survivor it's a horrific illness.

 

[Mud.]

Don't wish cancer on yourself as a survivor it's a horrific illness.

Yeah. Cancer is a demon. You don't just die of it. It destroys you first.
Imagine jumping off a cliff but not dying instantly.
Instead, you have to lie in a hospital for two months in agonizing pain first.

 

[Rachel74]

Yeah. Cancer is a demon. You don't just die of it. It destroys you first.
Imagine jumping off a cliff but not dying instantly.
Instead, you have to lie in a hospital for two months in agonizing pain first.

To think I beat it and I'm still here!

 

[Mud.]

To think I beat it and I'm still here!

Honest congrats.
Better to choose your own method than to be eaten alive and stripped of all your dignity.

 

[trynacbt]

Honest congrats.
Better to choose your own method than to be eaten alive and stripped of all your dignity.

Yeah I totally understand that... and I do have a method in mind. I just thought maybe it would be easier on my family and friends if I left that way instead.

 

[Mud.]

Yeah I totally understand that... and I do have a method in mind. I just thought maybe it would be easier on my family and friends if I left that way instead.

Coming from someone whose seen a loved one dying of cancer, believe me, it won't be easier on your family and friends.

 

[trynacbt]

Coming from someone whose seen a loved one dying of cancer, believe me, it won't be easier on your family and friends.

Coming from the other side of things, I know I would've liked to have time to say goodbye to my mother, rather than it have been a very sudden thing, with her ctb.

 

[Chantal]

I'm healthy and young but mentally in a lot of pain. I've recently been experiencing hair loss and fatigue. Am going to get it checked tomorrow; have spent ages looking up possible causes, hoping for the worst. It feels horribly ungrateful of me, but I can't help it. I know there are a lot of people on here who only wish that they could be physically healthy; I wish I could change places with you.

These are symptoms of depression and stress, Tryna. They should pass when you are eventually better.

 

[Mud.]

Coming from the other side of things, I know I would've liked to have time to say goodbye to my mother, rather than it have been a very sudden thing, with her ctb.

My mother died of cancer. We had known for over a year she had it. She could not be operated but she did get radiation therapy, etc. and all seemed reasonable stable. Then from one day to another, she became very ill. She went from being an intelligent, loving, warm and strong woman to a total wreck who didn't even knew who she was or where she was (or who I was) in just two months' time. First her personality changed. She became extremely paranoid. She started to hallucinate. She became scared of everyone and everything (including me, imagine that, your own mother being scared to death by your presence). Then she lost the ability to read and write and finally to speak. She also stopped eating and lost 30 kgs in weeks. She refused every kind of food.

In the mean time, the pain went from bad to worse to excruciating and Morphine only goes so far.

And all I could do is was hold her hand and tell her I loved her over and over. Even when she fought me. I've never felt so powerless, sad and angry in my life and it seemed to last forever. During the last days of her life, when I sat next to her bed, I remember thinking, if I pull up her nightgown right now, 'Help Me' will be engraved in her skin, just like in The Exorcist.

There was no last conversation or goodbye. There was only pain.

My father died from the complications of a Cerebral Haemorrhage.
It was horrible but compared to the suffering of my mother, it was almost peaceful.

 

[trynacbt]

My mother died of cancer. We had known for over a year she had it. She could not be operated but she did get radiation therapy, etc. and all seemed reasonable stable. Then from one day to another, she became very ill. She went from being an intelligent, loving, warm and strong woman to a total wreck who didn't even knew who she was or where she was (or who I was) in just two months' time. First her personality changed. She became extremely paranoid. She started to hallucinate. She became scared of everyone and everything (including me, imagine that, your own mother being scared to death by your presence). Then she lost the ability to read and write and finally to speak. She also stopped eating and lost 30 kgs in weeks. She refused every kind of food.

In the mean time, the pain went from bad to worse to excruciating and Morphine only goes so far.

And all I could do is was hold her hand and tell her I loved her over and over. Even when she fought me. I've never felt so powerless, sad and angry in my life and it seemed to last forever. During the last days of her life, when I sat next to her bed, I remember thinking, if I pull up her nightgown right now, 'Help Me' will be engraved in her skin, just like in The Exorcist.

There was no last conversation or goodbye. There was only pain.

My father died from the complications of a Cerebral Haemorrhage.
It was horrible but compared to the suffering of my mother, it was almost peaceful.

Wow. I am so sorry. <333 I hope they have both found peace.

 

[Done at Fifty]

Same here. I dream of it.

Terminal cancer treatments and illness can be horrible but it would give people a reason why you killed yourself. Make it easier on people to understand and accept your decision to take your life.

When someone says that they have a friend or relative who committed suicide, people feel sorry for them more for than for the person who took their life. They empathized with them for having a mental person in the family.
However, if you hear someone took their life (via assisted suicide through legal means or not) because they were very ill, we sympathize with the deceased. Its just easier to understand and relate to taking your life because of pain and illness, because we've all had that to one degree or anther. Not everyone can relate or empathize with suicide due to emotional distress.

The wonderful thing about having a terminal illness as an excuse is that loved ones won't blame themselves when you take your life. They'll realize that there was nothing that they could have said or done since the death was due to something purely physical.

 

[Mud.]

Wow. I am so sorry. <333 I hope they have both found peace.

Thank you.

I'm not at all saying that it's easy to find peace when a loved one ends his/her life.
I just meant to say, I miss both my parents, but I found some peace with my father's dead.
I will never be able to do the same with my mother's dead.

If you choose to ctb, try to make your ending as painless and quick as possible.
I think that's probably the most you can do for your loved ones.

 

[Sever]

My mom had been fighting with cancer for 13 years. Yeah, it was terrible, it was shitload of pain, nerves, money, efforts. She was diagnosed first when I was 4 and had relapses 3 times.
And ironically I wish I had any terminal disease. I'm drastically different person from what my mom was, I tried to understand her but I just can't. I'd take the terminal disease as an indulgence for going into criminal, prostitution, heavy drugs and the chance to try literally everything wo being criticized by people around you. Moreover I've been watching the consequences of the "treatment" for my whole childhood so I'd never agree to go through this no matter what.
Somehow it affected me I think. Subconsciously I treat myself, treat the whole life as if I have no more than a year to live since early teens. I'll either kill myself or get a terminal disease - doesn't matter. Have never really planned my future, career etc, don't give a fuck to anything however I'm still too coward to break bad and do whatever shit I want. In my case any illness will just remove all the doubts and fear of consequences and probs give me a couple of months full of joy.

 

[metalchic_74]

I lost my mom to rectal cancer. It was horrible. The 1st time she was diagnosed she did chemo/radiation then surgery to remove the tumor. I remember her being in the hospital she was vomiting poop She was so sick from the chemo. She was tall and weighed 165 lbs prior. She lost so much weight looked like a walking skeleton. She had to have a colostomy bag for several weeks. It was gross it kept falling off. Long story short the cancer came back. She opted out of doing chemo since it was now a stage 4. She lasted only 4 months. I'm still traumatized. I was with her when she died. I'll never forget the death rattle sound. I wish assisted suicides is legal in all states. That's what I would choose to go!