Wish I lived alone

[permanently tired]

I was browsing sasu and I came across some threads venting abt their abusive family and it reminded me of the time I stayed at a shelter. The security guards were assholes, but the rest of the staff were generally rlly kind and while this is just wishful thinking I wonder if I could've done smth with my life if I had continued there. Part of me thinks so, but this is theoretical and I'm reminded how I dropped out. Maybe I'm not as competent as I'd like to believe. I live with my family now, but I'm just wasting away. I'm so tired, I can't do anything. I don't have the energy to get away from these people. I want to sleep every hour.

If only my family could leave me alone cuz I hate all of them and they're preventing me from ctb. If they were out of the picture I'd hang myself on a pull-up bar. There is a place I think could work as an anchor but I prefer to stay inside cuz it's cold at night and after freezing repeatedly at night at the tops of bridges I have a bit of fear. Ik it sounds stupid, but the cold is fearsome to me. Funny how I go from posting in the recovery section to this. I should give up trying atp. I have tried to hang myself in two hotel rooms, but the closet bars were too short and partial never worked other than giving me neck pain and a headache. That's why I want to do full suspension so I can't back out from pain.

It's been an exhausting life. I'm drowsy typing this.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Same!! If I was alone, I would have easily killed myself by now so that I don't ever have to participate in this shitty life. My parents being strict is my main reason for being alive as I can't do anything with them around. Everyday I'm wishing that my parents disown me so that I can finally ctb

 

[sevennn]

oh yeah i feel you. i have just the perfect points in my home to hang from but i live with other people suicide is so much easier when you live alone

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

If I lived alone I probably wouldn't even want to ctb in the first place. My living situation has always contributed to my stress. It's just hell. I need a lot of space, privacy and quietness, and I get none.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I feel that, I would have a lot less trouble planning my escape if I didn't live in a dorm. I could do it here, but I'd rather not potentially traumatize my neighbors or cause issues for the school. It really would be so much easier to just hang myself, barricade the door, and leave a note saying what happened and to call for emergency services if I lived alone in an apartment.

Hopefully you can get away from your family sometime soon, since they seem to be an issue. And I really feel you on the constant exhaustion; I'm in the same boat, it's truly horrible, a big motive in my own CTB. I wish you'll find peace and rest somehow, however you choose. Ideally in this life, since you may be more on the fence (just since you mentioned posting recently in recovery).