pastyle
All tapped out.
- Aug 19, 2023
- 7
i want to CTB sometime soon. i no longer care about how my family reacts, call me selfish or evil, but the signs have been apparent and yet they are still distant, so their feelings are no longer of my concern.
however, i am worried about how my girlfriend will take it. i love her, she's such an angel. she's there for me sometimes when i need it. above all else, i saw an actual future with her, but i'm afraid that's no longer the case.
our relationship is spiraling downward, everyday i do something that makes her disappointed or very upset with me, like i did tonight. she's talking with her ex, she claims she doesn't have feelings, but i think she does. he cried in her arms a week and half ago about how he missed her, and it made me feel bad… i'm not only keeping her from being happy, but also her ex boyfriend too, and they spend a lot of time together, and fit way better than we do!
my issue is, even if we break up, she's still going to care about me on an emotional level. she says things like "if you die, then i'm going to join you" which has always deterred me from wanting to follow up with things like this. i don't want to add to her long list of trauma from previous exes, let alone be the reason she harms herself. she's a very valuable person not just in my eyes, but many, and i'd be responsible for taking them from her or scarring her for life if she were to catch news of my death.
i figured the only thing i can do is to get her to resent me, enough to the point where she's entirely fed up with me and no longer wants any contact, or does not want anything to do with me. she can finally be with her ex boyfriend again, and she can finally be happy like she deserves, without me being a burden that's holding her back. with this, she wouldn't bother to check on me or see how i'm doing, and she would never catch news of my death either. and by getting her to resent me and get rid of me completely, it makes it easier for me to move on. because part of me wants to stay to make sure she will always be happy like she needs to be. she is someone the world greatly benefits from having, and she does not need trash like me in her life, i need to do everything i can ensure that.
i have no ready methods at the moment unfortunately, i'd like to not use a knife due to the fact there's more hesitation, and my body will try to stop me from harming myself further when i do cut or stab. i want to try poison or drugs, but don't know which ones will be the best for ensuring my death goes swiftly and painlessly, as well as peacefully.
but yeah, that's that, i'll try and make updates if possible. i'd like to ask for help on this situation, as well as get help on more accessible methods
however, i am worried about how my girlfriend will take it. i love her, she's such an angel. she's there for me sometimes when i need it. above all else, i saw an actual future with her, but i'm afraid that's no longer the case.
our relationship is spiraling downward, everyday i do something that makes her disappointed or very upset with me, like i did tonight. she's talking with her ex, she claims she doesn't have feelings, but i think she does. he cried in her arms a week and half ago about how he missed her, and it made me feel bad… i'm not only keeping her from being happy, but also her ex boyfriend too, and they spend a lot of time together, and fit way better than we do!
my issue is, even if we break up, she's still going to care about me on an emotional level. she says things like "if you die, then i'm going to join you" which has always deterred me from wanting to follow up with things like this. i don't want to add to her long list of trauma from previous exes, let alone be the reason she harms herself. she's a very valuable person not just in my eyes, but many, and i'd be responsible for taking them from her or scarring her for life if she were to catch news of my death.
i figured the only thing i can do is to get her to resent me, enough to the point where she's entirely fed up with me and no longer wants any contact, or does not want anything to do with me. she can finally be with her ex boyfriend again, and she can finally be happy like she deserves, without me being a burden that's holding her back. with this, she wouldn't bother to check on me or see how i'm doing, and she would never catch news of my death either. and by getting her to resent me and get rid of me completely, it makes it easier for me to move on. because part of me wants to stay to make sure she will always be happy like she needs to be. she is someone the world greatly benefits from having, and she does not need trash like me in her life, i need to do everything i can ensure that.
i have no ready methods at the moment unfortunately, i'd like to not use a knife due to the fact there's more hesitation, and my body will try to stop me from harming myself further when i do cut or stab. i want to try poison or drugs, but don't know which ones will be the best for ensuring my death goes swiftly and painlessly, as well as peacefully.
but yeah, that's that, i'll try and make updates if possible. i'd like to ask for help on this situation, as well as get help on more accessible methods
