Wish I could talk about it

[a beautiful mess]

Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.

I am considering ctb in about a week. I began seriously contemplating it about a month ago. Yesterday, I received the SN I ordered in mail, so the potential reality is really sinking.

And I wish I could talk about it openly with some of the friends and family who are closest to me. Maybe it's to get some perspective. Maybe I want to feel more honest and less isolated from them right now. Or maybe it's just to say goodbye.

Part of the problem is that I don't want them to have to carry the burden of the idea or the weight that I now feel in keeping this secret. But even more than that, I'm afraid of risking that someone might feel a misguided obligation to report me. And I am terrified of someone taking away what little control I have left right now.

I can talk with them about how shitty I feel, which is halfway there. And I have one friend who knows it's among the things I've been thinking about. And that conversation was a relief. A gift.

I just needed to share that. And since you're the only people I feel like I can safely say any of that this to, here I am.

Thank you.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@a beautiful mess I'm sorry your feeling this way, and completely understand the dilemma and frustration your in. Being able to talk freely about our plans and thoughts is certainly a stress reliever.

I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing.

Wishing you the best, and sending good wishes your way.

 

[uglylonely]

If you tell someone what you're thinking, they will report you. That being said, if you have people you care about, it would probably be nice to get your final thoughts out to them and maybe leave a note expressing your feelings, but overall, just do whatever feels right. You should be comfortable and I hope you do what you truly want, and I wish you good luck.

 

[whatstheporpoise15]

I completely understand that weight you feel. It's painful, scary, and isolating. I often find myself wishing that people would understand why I need to die and then let me do it. I hope these boards can provide some comfort for you.

 

[atonofdespair24]

It's such a shitty dilemma. That's why I love it here, no judgement for the most part. Just people who've been there. Hopefully you're confident in whatever decision you make, and you find peace. You can always message me to talk.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do wish that we lived in a world where suicide is not so stigmatised and we could be open about our plans to die and have others accept and understand our decision. We are already suffering enough without the risk of others interfering with our ctb plans. It's just unfair how it has to be this way, after all there is nothing wrong with suicide as it's a human right and a personal decision. We will all die one day eventually anyway so of course it could never be wrong if someone decides to leave when the time is right for them.

 

[a beautiful mess]

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the lag in replying. I appreciated all the comments and sentiments.