MillieXIO
Member
- Jul 31, 2023
- 13
Recently, my sibling came home for the holidays as their job has agreed to transfer them to Japan, and they have a loooong off period (about 3 weeks) and have been spending it at my parents house. I'm a college student, so I'm also home for the holidays. At uni, I had my first taste of freedom, friends to hang out with and the ability to go places and do things without fear of curfew or pissing off my parents. As soon as I came back, I felt the freedom instantly drain from me and have been in a less than perfect mood. I've spent most of my tuition refund money on buying expensive things, as retail therapy has always unfortunately been my go to, landing me in about 3k of debt besides my student loans.
My sibling has been sleeping in my room, as it had been theirs before they moved out, so we've been sharing. We pretty much have spent 13 out of the 24 hours a day with each other. Today, my sister came in and wanted to talk to my sibling about something, telling me I should put on headphones as it's spoilers about a game I really enjoy. I was in the middle of a league game, that admittedly I was losing badly and it was making me angry, so I snapped and repeatedly argued that she should text my sibling instead of coming into my room and insisting that I put on headphones. Eventually, my sibling snaps and states that they should 'leave this rude binch.' At first, I thought they were joking, but on the way out the door, they turned to say that they don't mean this isolated incident, that I really am unbelievably rude. Perhaps they were being dramatic, but they laid in the hallway after and refused to come into my room even for their chargers, laptop, tablet, water bottle etc, which made me feel so much worse.
I was on mic with friends, so I tried not to react, but my gameplay got worse and I really couldn't hide that I was fucked up by that statement. I went down a bit of a rough thought process, eventually started thinking about childhood family trauma, realizing why they never wanted me around when I was a kid, thinking how I'm an accident child and everyone would have been better off without me here etc, etc.
Eventually I quit the self loathing bullshit, SH'd a little as it usually clears my mind and allows me to see rationally, and asked around a little bit. It's new years, so everyone I know is awake. The general consensus is, yes, I am a rude person. In my mind, I can't think of an instance where I was rude, so it really fucks me up to know that most people have a negative experience around me. Which is really only solidifying my thought process; They would like it better if I wasn't here, I would prefer not to be here, and since I wasn't intended to be here anyway. I don't enjoy being alive, most of my experiences are negative, and I am so so so afraid of being even more of a disappointment than I already am.
I know a lot of people would be sad if I am gone, but I am past the point of caring, because in the long run they are better off without me.
At the moment, I have about 500 or so mg of codone, 400 diazepam, and some other small doses of assorted opiods. Most of them are expired, but that just means I need more right? I'm a 5'9, 140lbs female.
My sibling has been sleeping in my room, as it had been theirs before they moved out, so we've been sharing. We pretty much have spent 13 out of the 24 hours a day with each other. Today, my sister came in and wanted to talk to my sibling about something, telling me I should put on headphones as it's spoilers about a game I really enjoy. I was in the middle of a league game, that admittedly I was losing badly and it was making me angry, so I snapped and repeatedly argued that she should text my sibling instead of coming into my room and insisting that I put on headphones. Eventually, my sibling snaps and states that they should 'leave this rude binch.' At first, I thought they were joking, but on the way out the door, they turned to say that they don't mean this isolated incident, that I really am unbelievably rude. Perhaps they were being dramatic, but they laid in the hallway after and refused to come into my room even for their chargers, laptop, tablet, water bottle etc, which made me feel so much worse.
I was on mic with friends, so I tried not to react, but my gameplay got worse and I really couldn't hide that I was fucked up by that statement. I went down a bit of a rough thought process, eventually started thinking about childhood family trauma, realizing why they never wanted me around when I was a kid, thinking how I'm an accident child and everyone would have been better off without me here etc, etc.
Eventually I quit the self loathing bullshit, SH'd a little as it usually clears my mind and allows me to see rationally, and asked around a little bit. It's new years, so everyone I know is awake. The general consensus is, yes, I am a rude person. In my mind, I can't think of an instance where I was rude, so it really fucks me up to know that most people have a negative experience around me. Which is really only solidifying my thought process; They would like it better if I wasn't here, I would prefer not to be here, and since I wasn't intended to be here anyway. I don't enjoy being alive, most of my experiences are negative, and I am so so so afraid of being even more of a disappointment than I already am.
I know a lot of people would be sad if I am gone, but I am past the point of caring, because in the long run they are better off without me.
At the moment, I have about 500 or so mg of codone, 400 diazepam, and some other small doses of assorted opiods. Most of them are expired, but that just means I need more right? I'm a 5'9, 140lbs female.
