Will my mom recover?

[Mustkeyknow]

What should I do or say in my Suicide letter to make her feel better? She's said she died if I die, I tried cutting my wrists a month ago and it took a toll on her. I just want her to be happy but I don't wanna be a part of this world any longer, I don't have the energy and I don't have the mental capacity lately. My career took a slump and it's game over for me. I feel so guilty I don't wanna kill my mother. My SN arrived in the mail today and I got my metos ready. I don't know what else to do. Sorry if my English is bad, it's not my native language.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Yes of course it would destroy her, can you pause your plan and think it through?
If you don't mind me asking what is the reason you're trying to ctb?

 

[HelensNepenthe]

No amount of comforting words can replace a parent's loss of their child.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am sorry you are experiencing such extreme situations and emotions!

This is my perspective that I offer you to do with as you choose:

It sounds very extreme to say that if you kill yourself, you will be actively killing your mother.

When she said she will die if you die, she was using guilt/emotional blackmail to control your decisions and actions. It was an extreme statement intended to go inside of you and make decisions for you. I am not saying she is a bad person, but she said something very extreme to counteract your action that she took inside and felt in an extreme way.

You can only live your life. You cannot live both yours and hers. It is impossible to do so. Guilt is not an emotion but a message. It makes us feel like we have to live the life others want us to and not the one we need to. We end up fighting inside to live one life or the other, and if guilt wins, someone else owns our life, but yet they don't live it for us. Your mother wants you to live, but she cannot live your life any more than you can live yours. (Edit: any more than you can live hers.)

I am not encouraging you to kill yourself! I am encouraging you to be a separate person from your mother -- and from everyone else. When that happens, when you are separate, you may decide to die, or you may realize you are not able to manage your life because it has not been your own, and so you finally own it and ignore what everyone else says and wants. One way is freedom from life, the other is freedom to live your own life.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

Yes of course it would destroy her, can you pause your plan and think it through?
If you don't mind me asking what is the reason you're trying to ctb?

Thank you for replying. Because I'm stuck in a dead end job with no better prospects and my career is going nowhere. All I get offered are shitty call center positions which I'm done with. It's all my fault because I slept through most of my career by being addicted to pot and the internet and did nothing important for most of my twenties. I'm 33 and I'm stuck in life and ctb seems to be the only choice. I already hurt my mother too much, I don't wanna kill her.

 

[enjoy]

hey. first and foremost, i'm sorry that you're going through this. hugs to you.

i don't know where you're from so this probably won't be too helpful, but are there any other job opportunities out there that interest you? when i think about ctb i also worry about how my mom will react (i don't have a good relationship with her, but she'd still be brokenhearted if i died). there's a saying that goes something like "no parent should ever have to bury their child" and a lot of people in our society agree with it.

correct me if i'm wrong, but the reason you want to ctb seems like it could be fixed in due time. are you sure the issues surrounding your job are not temporary? more importantly, are you sure you want to die? most people who are dead-set on ctb don't about care what anyone will think when they end their lives, even family. does your mom know about your mental illness and suicidal thoughts? would she be willing to let you live with her if you were to tell her how you're feeling and that you need a place to stay until you find a new job? please address your options before doing anything rash. it sounds like your mom loves you more than anything and would be at a complete loss if you left her. of course it's ultimately your choice, but this is just what i've interpreted from what you've told us.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Unfortunately, a parent will never ever get over the loss of their child. They can only learn to cope with it.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Thank you for replying. Because I'm stuck in a dead end job with no better prospects and my career is going nowhere. All I get offered are shitty call center positions which I'm done with. It's all my fault because I slept through most of my career by being addicted to pot and the internet and did nothing important for most of my twenties. I'm 33 and I'm stuck in life and ctb seems to be the only choice. I already hurt my mother too much, I don't wanna kill her.

[/QUOTE]

Hey it's okay that you're 33! People change their lives around all the time, I think it's awesome you still have your mom in your life. Can I give you my phone and we could talk over the phone? I struggle with mental health issues so I will not judge

 

[Mustkeyknow]

hey. first and foremost, i'm sorry that you're going through this. hugs to you.

i don't know where you're from so this probably won't be too helpful, but are there any other job opportunities out there that interest you? when i think about ctb i also worry about how my mom will react (i don't have a good relationship with her, but she'd still be brokenhearted if i died). there's a saying that goes something like "no parent should ever have to bury their child" and a lot of people in our society agree with it.

correct me if i'm wrong, but the reason you want to ctb seems like it could be fixed in due time. are you sure the issues surrounding your job are not temporary? more importantly, are you sure you want to die? most people who are dead-set on ctb don't about care what anyone will think when they end their lives, even family. does your mom know about your mental illness and suicidal thoughts? would she be willing to let you live with her if you were to tell her how you're feeling and that you need a place to stay until you find a new job? please address your options before doing anything rash. it sounds like your mom loves you more than anything and would be at a complete loss if you left her. of course it's ultimately your choice, but this is just what i've interpreted from what you've told us.

Thank you for your lovely reply, any advice is helpful. The thing is that realistically speaking I don't think my chances are very good at finding a good job. It'll take a miracle for it to happen, I thought about going back to college but that's another five years at my current job and I just don't have the energy for that anymore. I'm currently living with my parents and they've been so supportive i don't want to hurt them any more, but I just feel like I can't do this capitalist individualist thing any longer. The thought of drinking the SN gives me peace but I don't wanna be selfish with my parents then again who's the selfish one if I have to endure a terrible and intolerable experience just to make them happy and at peace, even when in our current situation they're not. I don't know anymore, maybe quitting and relaxing and going to the gym while something at least different comes around will do, but maybe it's just wishful thinking. Once again thank you for your lovely reply.

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

Thank you for your lovely reply, any advice is helpful. The thing is that realistically speaking I don't think my chances are very good at finding a good job. It'll take a miracle for it to happen, I thought about going back to college but that's another five years at my current job and I just don't have the energy for that anymore. I'm currently living with my parents and they've been so supportive i don't want to hurt them any more, but I just feel like I can't do this capitalist individualist thing any longer. The thought of drinking the SN gives me peace but I don't wanna be selfish with my parents then again who's the selfish one if I have to endure a terrible and intolerable experience just to make them happy and at peace, even when in our current situation they're not. I don't know anymore, maybe quitting and relaxing and going to the gym while something at least different comes around will do, but maybe it's just wishful thinking. Once again thank you for your lovely reply.

I understand that you're ready to give up but it really sounds like you have a mom who loves you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I just re-read the OP, and realized the request was, "What do I say in my suicide letter to make her feel better?"

I'll try to address the question, though whether it will be of benefit to you, I don't know.

Unfortunately, you can't make her feel things that you want her to feel, but you can offer comfort.

I thought of many things you could say, but I think it would be better for you to just write, and keep writing until you feel it is resolved for you.

In my experience, people feel worse if there is no letter because they have unanswered questions. They may not accept the answers if they get them, but at least they have something, and with time they may accept the reasons. It would probably mean a lot to her that your last words to her demonstrated that you love her, maybe tell her the things you like about her and things she did that you value.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Thank you for your lovely reply, any advice is helpful. The thing is that realistically speaking I don't think my chances are very good at finding a good job. It'll take a miracle for it to happen, I thought about going back to college but that's another five years at my current job and I just don't have the energy for that anymore. I'm currently living with my parents and they've been so supportive i don't want to hurt them any more, but I just feel like I can't do this capitalist individualist thing any longer. The thought of drinking the SN gives me peace but I don't wanna be selfish with my parents then again who's the selfish one if I have to endure a terrible and intolerable experience just to make them happy and at peace, even when in our current situation they're not. I don't know anymore, maybe quitting and relaxing and going to the gym while something at least different comes around will do, but maybe it's just wishful thinking. Once again thank you for your lovely reply.

It may sound a little off-topic but have you met other people with your political views ?

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love..u share my sentiments. When i was seriously considering ctb a few wks ago, the thought of my mom n dog is what stopped me..My husband will mourn but he'll get over it n remarry. My friends will move on..But I can tell u from losing my sister in a car accident in '92 that my mom is STILL in mourning n has never been the same. My bestie lost her daughter in '04 to asthma attack, same story. Her death anniversary,bday, holidays, etc, r all difficult. It's EVERY loving mother's worst nightmare. N I specified "loving" cuz we have some moms who r monsters..
*There is no right way or letter that can make ur mom ok with losing u. I don't think ur vocabulary would have the words to pacify that type of pain if she already told u that it would kill her..idk..

As far as employment, I'm in the same boat..I have my MBA and completing my doctorate now, but couldn't find a job for over a yr to pay me a fitting salary for my degrees..smh.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I don't think there is anything you can say that will lessen the blow of losing a child. It's been 20 years since my brother ctb and my parents are still both ruined in a way that can't be fixed.

 

[ComingClose]

As a mother, I don't think it'd make a difference if one of my kids ctb, died in a tragic accident or just died naturally, the loss of one of them would kill me - emotionally. I do, however, know that death gets us all in the end and no matter how or when, it's going to cause pain for someone. I won't feel any less sad if someone were to die today instead of in 20 years.