This whole thread is already totally narcissistic and self-aborbed. Lol. My threads also don't get a lot of views recently. But this is not that important to me. I like when members tell me they are surprised how many ideas I have, how I am actually able to write that much every single day. And when I see that some members read my threads since a long time this makes me somewhat proud. I think there is something falsely wired in my brain. Maybe it is a manic part of my personality. Or I sublimate my pain into creative writing. I think I obessively ruminate every single day. And I also think that my posting in this forum is somewhat pathological but it helps to cope with my pain. I feel less lonely and I have less needs to spam my friends who are sometimes overburdened with my need to express myself.
Here I try to give some scenarios how my posting could develop.
I have a lot of new ideas and I am not sure whether I will run out of ideas some day. I think it gets harder to find attractive topics but not impossible. The thing is the time period since I am in this forum is the best mood period for me since a some years. (rather unrelated to this forum) If we do not count the manic episode the years 2016 till the end of 2020 were hellish and I plan to commit suicide when this shit comes back. I think I am only able to post so much because I am not totally at rock bottom. And well my life quality in general is very very low.
There were time periods I felt too bad to post threads. Recently during my exams I was extremely exhausted on a level I still cannot fully comprehend. Not even a lot of benzos could fix me. I never thought this could happen and I am scared this repeats the next semester. It already screwed my GPA. I am scared the mental decline could keep on. If I relapse there will happen a lot of shit. It will become pretty difficult to post under these circumstances. When I am at rock bottom I am very nihilistic and I am pro-suicide but only concerning my own death. I don't want to drag people down with my threads but I think when I am at rock bottom I don't know...I am not sure what exactly will happen. The thing is very complex I have to hide it in front of some people to commit suicide though I am not sure whether I will be able to do that. The pain will be insanely extreme. In case my mom dies if would be less difficult to kill myself. Though I have to do it in a pretty short time window I am scared to lose my apartment. But this becomes off-topic. I want to say when I am feeling too nightmarish it could be difficult. After my last breakdowns I was 24/7 suicidal for almost half a year. So my threads would become sort of monotonous. I am not sure how much time I will spend on planning my suicide and how much time to vent. If my family notices my mood they will force me to go to a clinic. I think they would force me to this certain clinic where I was the last time. I have made a lot of bad experiences (not all of them were bad though) with the psychiatry concerning suicidality. So I will probably be in need of this forum.
I think I won't post a goodbye threads when I kill myself. As I elaborated on it I don't feel very comfortable with goodbye posts and personally I find the moments when I die too private to share it with strangers.
In case I found a girlfriend I could also imagine to quit posting regularly. I am not even sure whether this would be completely healthy for my mind because posting here is a huge valve for the daily pressure I experience. If I share too much of all that pain with my friends it can be overwhelming for them. I doubt whether it would be good to burden one individual with my daily self-loathing. However to calm you all down. I will never find a gf because all my attempts to get one backfire spectacularly very early one. Basically after the first interaction. Lol.
I am not sure which is the main reason why I will stop posting. I think me committing suicide is one big possibility. Though I try to postpone that as long as my life quality is somewhat bearable. At this point I could start speculating who will die first me or this forum. I could start to speculate about the future of this forum and its possible end. But maybe I am not in the position to do that. I am not enough into the legal matters. Though it seems for me not likely that this forum gets taken down very soon. They plan bills to take this forum down. At the same time globally speaking more and more countries are in favor of assisted suicide. There are way worse places online since a long time. And from what I have read (online) suicide is in many (but not all) instances a grey area.
If I had to bet whether me or the forum will be still alive in 10 years I would bet on the forum. Though I am very uncertain. The question I ask myself will there always be people are willing to be administrator of such a website. I could never take the heat and all attacks/attention. With my shaky nerves I could never cope with all the media reports etc.
Here I try to give some scenarios how my posting could develop.
I have a lot of new ideas and I am not sure whether I will run out of ideas some day. I think it gets harder to find attractive topics but not impossible. The thing is the time period since I am in this forum is the best mood period for me since a some years. (rather unrelated to this forum) If we do not count the manic episode the years 2016 till the end of 2020 were hellish and I plan to commit suicide when this shit comes back. I think I am only able to post so much because I am not totally at rock bottom. And well my life quality in general is very very low.
There were time periods I felt too bad to post threads. Recently during my exams I was extremely exhausted on a level I still cannot fully comprehend. Not even a lot of benzos could fix me. I never thought this could happen and I am scared this repeats the next semester. It already screwed my GPA. I am scared the mental decline could keep on. If I relapse there will happen a lot of shit. It will become pretty difficult to post under these circumstances. When I am at rock bottom I am very nihilistic and I am pro-suicide but only concerning my own death. I don't want to drag people down with my threads but I think when I am at rock bottom I don't know...I am not sure what exactly will happen. The thing is very complex I have to hide it in front of some people to commit suicide though I am not sure whether I will be able to do that. The pain will be insanely extreme. In case my mom dies if would be less difficult to kill myself. Though I have to do it in a pretty short time window I am scared to lose my apartment. But this becomes off-topic. I want to say when I am feeling too nightmarish it could be difficult. After my last breakdowns I was 24/7 suicidal for almost half a year. So my threads would become sort of monotonous. I am not sure how much time I will spend on planning my suicide and how much time to vent. If my family notices my mood they will force me to go to a clinic. I think they would force me to this certain clinic where I was the last time. I have made a lot of bad experiences (not all of them were bad though) with the psychiatry concerning suicidality. So I will probably be in need of this forum.
I think I won't post a goodbye threads when I kill myself. As I elaborated on it I don't feel very comfortable with goodbye posts and personally I find the moments when I die too private to share it with strangers.
In case I found a girlfriend I could also imagine to quit posting regularly. I am not even sure whether this would be completely healthy for my mind because posting here is a huge valve for the daily pressure I experience. If I share too much of all that pain with my friends it can be overwhelming for them. I doubt whether it would be good to burden one individual with my daily self-loathing. However to calm you all down. I will never find a gf because all my attempts to get one backfire spectacularly very early one. Basically after the first interaction. Lol.
I am not sure which is the main reason why I will stop posting. I think me committing suicide is one big possibility. Though I try to postpone that as long as my life quality is somewhat bearable. At this point I could start speculating who will die first me or this forum. I could start to speculate about the future of this forum and its possible end. But maybe I am not in the position to do that. I am not enough into the legal matters. Though it seems for me not likely that this forum gets taken down very soon. They plan bills to take this forum down. At the same time globally speaking more and more countries are in favor of assisted suicide. There are way worse places online since a long time. And from what I have read (online) suicide is in many (but not all) instances a grey area.
If I had to bet whether me or the forum will be still alive in 10 years I would bet on the forum. Though I am very uncertain. The question I ask myself will there always be people are willing to be administrator of such a website. I could never take the heat and all attacks/attention. With my shaky nerves I could never cope with all the media reports etc.
For me though, its just that most conflict makes me incredibly uncomfortable, so yeah.. I don't guess I have what it takes. 
