Venting Wikileaks And The Miserable Bastards

[GideonVandaleur]

Yea though I walk through the valley of flaccid consumers, I will fear no army of listless layabouts.

It's cruel, but these days when I encounter someone who tells me, "Wiki-leaks will achieve nothing or anything!" I will check their profile to see if I'm dealing with a person who at any time in their life has been defeated by a couch! We all know the type, a guy relaxing on a couch recovering from couch related back injuries in an ironic cycle of despair and defeat and shame and self loathing and self hatred!

I must admit, when a man with poor hygiene whose fashion sense would trick a garbage truck into thinking it's here to make a pickup, tells me I'm naïve. I'm inconsolable! Maybe I'm being too hard on people who've Googled social anxiety and find it fits like a glove! The world has changed. Not that long ago, before the internet know-it-alls who were too exhausted to lift a finger stayed inside and were justifiably lonely. I mean of course it makes sense, in a world of almost endless comfort, misery becomes a luxury item that is conspicuously consumed. You're a set of man-boobs looking for a man, you're not a foreign policy expert! Dude, you're not a military spending analyst, you're a pizza crumb collector; Get it right!

Do you suffer from couch stress? Symptoms include skipping the morning shower all the better to get straight into predicting terrible futures for everybody!

 

[GentleJerk]

When the Oprah Winfrey's and Dr Phil's rule from the couch, over the couch, with an iron fist full of dollars and celebrity diet cookbooks...

When the leading foreign policy experts and military spending analysts decide to grow man-boobs and start collecting pizza crumbs...

When the last ancient tree in the woods has fallen, but nobody was there to hear it because they were too busy making fun of the Chinese and their proverbs...

...The Uber Eats guy finally arrives with your stupidly overpriced piece of shit meal, cooked by the great unwashed and pimple-faced minimum wage horde- saving you the hassle of having to grasp basic life skills such as cooking, and precious time that could be better utilised smoking crack and fucking people over, just to enjoy the dwindling moments of your selfish existence before you cash your checks in and pay the debts of having sold your soul. Or nothing. Whichever idea people feel more comfortable with.

The high flyers eat the fruits from the canopy tops, and throw the waste down to the ground for the bottom dwellers, were the seeds regrow. There's a scruffy looking gentleman snorting ketamine, to try and cope with losses that he himself is entirely responsible for. His home is nowhere as his heart was ripped out of his chest long ago, and left broken and cold.

Demons pass the time by heating the gentleman's head up to a white hot bubble in order to inflate it, until it can ring nicely like a bell when it is hit with red hot hammers, the brain is boggled and the eyes roll around, for a tremendous length of time, somewhere out there in the universe.

Women and children cry. Cops look the other way and shake the wrong hands. Private healthcare practitioners claim to know what they are doing, when in fact they do not.

It's magic!